24 years ago I meet my wife. I was a poor young man with no skills. My wife was separated from her first husband for a year. She said that they had separated because she thought that he had been cheating on her. However she confessed to me that she had had two affairs on him. I accepted her explaination. She has one daughter by this marraige, who was six when I Came on the scene. We lived together and loved each other very much. 17 years ago we were married and have had two great kids of our own. When the first child came. My wife asked to be a stay at home mom. I loved the idea. So I went on to build a very successful business providing all the conforts that anyone could want. when my step daughter was 17 she was caught by me doing porography photos with a local photographer. I told her to stop or leave my home. She ran away. My wife was very upset but never said much as she is a very quiet sweet person. Little did I know that a time bomb was ticking. She says know that she harbored anger about her daughter leaving for the last 12 years. 7 years ago my wife became pregnent for a third time. We both are against abortion, about three months into the pregancy. I recieved a call from the hospital. Come and pick up your wife her abortion is done. Well you can imagine my shock my anger. When I begged her for an explaination its was that she felt she was to old (40) and that she did not want to have any more children. She did not tell me that she had also meet a man who 7 years latter she admitted to having an affair with. Was rthis my child I still do not know. My wife swears that she never had an affair untill recently Read on. <BR>This incident caused me to turn to a female business associate and we became close freinds. Then on day she suggeted more, with a hug and kiss. I knew I was was in trouble. So I left and that was the last time I saw this woman. When I arrived home that night my wife smelt perfume on me and said. If you have been with another woman than I will divorce you. Out of fear of loss of my family and business. I came up with an excuse that I had gone to a mans club with a client and that is how the smell got there. Shortly after this I acn in contact with another woman who I had a PA with. I have for years wanted to tell my wife and for several years things got difficult in our marraige. It never seemed like I had a chance to tell her.<BR>Over the last 12 years My wife befriended people of low character and lossing attitudes. I often told her that these were a poor choice of friends. Her best friend is an adultress many times over with several fathers to her four children.<BR>Over the last few years things seemed to get better. My step daughter seemed to rejoin the family married a very nice man. I paid for a very lavish wedding for her. My wife and I enjoyed many activiities together. Of course she was a stay at home mom which made it nessacary for me to work hard. As she does for the kids. Making time a premium item. My wife and kids have the best of everything which my wife has asked for. <BR>All seemed well untill this fall. When she seemed to become rather testy.She Kept finding reasons not to go on a business trip with me. I suspected something was up. Then on dec 13th while my family was visiting for christmas ( Twelve people in all for two weeks)She suddenly asked to go away for a week. I knew then. After three days of intense questions from me she admitted that she had had an affair but swore it was over. I dont need to tell anyone here how I felt my world collapsed around me. After her admission I immediately got us into counciling. Where I found out that this so called innocent affair was anything but. She had hooked up with a man 17 years her junior. A drunk, over the road truck driver bum. Had sex with him in horrifing places, garages,trucks As well as my home. had practical moved him in to my house while I was away on a business trip for a week. Left the kids unattended Introduced him to my step child.This from the best mom and wife one could ever ask for<BR>Three weeks after her admission I found out she was still calling him. Then she ran away from mome for two days her friends and my step daughter lined up against me saying they were going to take everything I have. Another whammy. She says that she did not go to the OM at that time.<BR>Now my wife has come home, she wants to work it out. She has told all of her friends and even her step daughter to stay away. WE went away this week end and read surviving an afffair together. She has taken on a new positive attitude towards life and us. Sounds great, but I am scared to death. Is it another trick. Setting me up for the emotional kill. The financial kill. The other man is young hansome and broke. I can't eat sleep and have not worked for three months. My business is dying and so am I. My mood swings between anger at her for the years of lying about her true feeling after our stepdaughter left.(She says she has been angry at me for 12 years)as well as the affair to sorrow for all the pain she must have felt for the affair of the heart I had. As well as to how she has debased self and givin up all of her virtues which were many.<BR>Can an old dog learn new tricks. Is the good lord givig us another chance. Can anyone offer some advice or stories to help me see the light of day Please. <BR>Is my love for her blinding me to great danger or my anger threatening to separate me from the only woman I have ever loved. <BR> <P>[This message has been edited by Torpedoed (edited March 09, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Torpedoed (edited March 29, 2001).]

What a horrifying story you have written. The very first thing to do is to have her and you check for sexually transmitted diseases. Second, found an attorney as quickly as your can and protect your assets and save yourself. How much more are you willing to take? She has put your life at risk with her behavior. What would make you think it would ever get better? Good luck because you will need it my friend.

The std test are done and thank god they are negitve. My wife has also agreed to giving up all rights to assets legally and my attorney is working on that. She says that she wishes to prove her dovotion to me. Thsi only adds to my confusion. Thank you for your response. I thought I was going crazy with my fears

Wow I am at a loss of what to say. I would be certainly as confused as you. She has really gone the extra mile by willingly giving up all assets to prove her devotion. It sounds like either she is truly serious about starting over or she plans to get her boyfriend to knock you off and collect the inheritance. I think that I am only kidding.<BR>It is interesting why she would do this complete turnaround.<BR>I guess I am a cynical person. I believe in that old saying:<BR>hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I would have checks on the computer, phone taps and hire a private investigator if something sounds fishy. You and she were extremely lucky that you did not catch anything.<P>The next question is whether you have it in your heart to forgive her for what she has done. Only you know what you feel in your heart and what you are willing to endure. I would be extremely suspicious about everything but I truly wish everything turns out the way you wish.

Torpedoed,<P>You asked <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Can an old dog learn new tricks. Is the good lord givig us another chance. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would say from what you have said the answer is yes. The good Lord is giving you another chance. I hope that your W takes it. You have read surviving an affair so you have a good idea of how long this will take to heal, but it can.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Can anyone offer some advice or stories to help me see the light of day Please.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would recommend that you read SKM's 1 year anniversary post. I believe it is in the Recovery section and done in the last week or so. She paints a very complete picture of recovery from a WS side of things.<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Is my love for her blinding me to great danger or my anger threatening to separate me from the only woman I have ever loved. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, it is to some degree, but that may be a good thing. You are in great danger and so is she, but you do love her and so you take the risk to try and rebuild. <P>If she does truely love you she will honor her statement to renounce any financial claims, she will do her best to never contact OM again. She will do her best to get over her guilt (YOU MUST HELP HER IN THIS POINT). You must realize she will never understand your pain. So you must heal pretty much on your own, but hopefully as she comes out of the fog, she can help.<P>Torpedoed, has she sent the OM a no contact letter? Does she know why you kicked the step daughter out of the house? Are you two able to talk with each other? Has she admitted the other affairs? <P>I am going to point out something that is probably obvious to you, but I will just so that we are on the same page. <P>She had two affairs on her first husband, "because she thought he was cheating on her."<P>It seems that she may have cheated on you before this latest situation. Has she confessed to this?<P>She cheated on you for a situation that took place 12 years ago. <P>She harbored ill feelings for you and apparently so did step daughter, but they had no problem taking all you offered to them.<P>Do you see a trend here? I think I do. Her first affairs were "justified" by something she never verified. In fact in all of her affairs, she has had an "excuse", but would never address the stated problem that "lead her to her affairs".<P>It seems to me she has some very deep seated problems and having affairs does something for her. It really needs to be addressed in counseling. THere is a problem that you cannot fix.<P>If you want to see a similar situation please read the posts of Davidb and PlainJane. They are husband and wife. PJ just got out of institutional care for doing somewhat you W did. Read their posts.<P>I am not trying to scare you, just a heads up. If your W is serious about making the marriage work, then perhaps some counseling is really needed. Read those posts and you will see what I am worried about.<P>By the way do you know how to search on this forum? If you find a post of a person, click on the sunglasses and new page will come up. On the upper left side, there is a red sentence asking if you want to search for other posts by this person, click on that and wait.<P>Also you use the search function, although sometimes it doesn't work as well. It is on the top right of the general page.<P>I do think there is hope, from what you have said about your W's latest actions. It will be a tough road, but hang in there. One last question, now that step daughter knows about W's affairs, is she more civil to you? Hope so.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Just learning thank you for the reply to answer your questions. and to up date.<BR>My wife has sent the Om a don't contact letter which I demanded. She called him when she first told me and then broke the promise. So the letter clearly stated this. I don't believe the other man will honor it as he is lossing his meal ticket. Therefore I must be very alert.<BR>Perhap some advice is needed her. I know very little about the OM. I have tried to hire a PI to help so that I can establish his patterns, to help me be on guard, but PI's seem recluctant to help. I believe that they think I may take some offense action. Which is not my intent. How do I approach them. Any advice.<BR>She now listens to my reasons for laying down the law with my step daughter so many years ago and has come to accept them at least outwardly. I would stress that I did not kick my sd out but simply told her to stop or leave.she choose to leave.<BR>My wife and I talk a great deal now. She has finally admitted to me the depth of this current affair. After months of stories and lies. She said that she wanted to spare me the pain. I think there is still much more. She for instance continues to deny any emotion towards the OM. This from a woman who loves most everyone. She absolutely insists that there were no other affairs before this one. She however has told me of two attemped rapes by aquaintances within the last five years. Funny thing she never told me and she never called the police. Even though she says that they both involved men coming to and entering the house uninvited. Sounds pretty fantastic to me. In addition while she was lieing to me about the current affair, and if I pressed her for information she would fly into rages hitting and screaming at me. That has stopped with regards to the current affair, but continues with any mention of prior affairs. I think it is obvious that this is not the first. I pray it is the last. <BR>Yes I see and have seen the trend. I have i9nsisted that my wife get into counciling. Which she has but it seems as if she is making little to no progress on getting her arms around her behaviour.<BR>As far as my step daughter. She knew about the affair all along in fact my wife and OM went out and partied with my SD. My step daughter wants nothing to do with me. She has stated out right she only wanted my money and that my W should take me for all I am worth. Destroy the marraige and she would take her half sisiters from us. In fact she called child welfare to stir up trouble for her mother and me. She wants nothing to do with her mother either, the same goes for all of my wifes freinds, because she would not go after me and my assets. It was as if they all plotted to us my wife to get all that they needed and wanted.<BR>Could it be that my wife was an innocent victim to giant plot. Well not so innocent perhaps.<BR>Thanks for your response and I will try to get the posts read. It helps a great deal to chat with others who know this hell I am living in thanks

Based on your last message all I can say is get out and save yourself before it is too late.

Bryanp That is a strong reply can you please expand on it. What are your thoughts

I too have been abused for 9 years. My wife has suffered great sexual abuse as a child. She continued that through her own promiscuity. We are a little more than a month past my discovery. My wife is an incredibly strong and selfish individual. I have met women like your wife. I have seen how they twist and pervert their own children. You need to protect your children. It is an incredible step for your wife to give up all the assets. This is an olive branch on her part. What is money? It doesn't seem to motivate you or your wife. This must be a testiment to your generousity. I wish I had the assets to discover the whole truth. I suspect many things. Your wife has a conscience and a beast inside of her. I would like to supply a poem to you that I just wrote:<P>the beast<P>The beast lies within the mind,<BR>cloistered in the folds of flesh.<BR>A sweet kiss reveals him, safe and warm,<BR>but venom is his hissing breath.<P>He clings to regret, it keeps him alive.<BR>"THE PAST! THE PAST!" He cries.<P>I know, I know he will never die.<P>For years he slept there silently,<BR>the flesh pursed tightly around him.<BR>The flesh is weak,<BR>and the sounds of hate have found him.<P>Beast go away! Lord help him leave.<BR>I know I invited him in.<BR>He has destroyed my home,<BR>my kitchen wrenched clean,<BR>I have no more to spare.<P>My children starve, but the beast does not.<BR>The beast, lives on, the pain.<BR>These days, there is pain, and rain.<P>I must let go of regretful thoughts.<BR>I cannot indulge the beast.<P>I will starve him and let him sleep again.<P>Sleep fowl creature,<BR>until the day my Lord comes,<BR>then this place of wrath and tears,<BR>will be turned over to the fears,<BR>we will not care for the years,<BR>the pain will cease, replaced by peace.<P>I cannot thank you. I have not a thing.<BR>Let me Grace you, and I hope you cling,<BR>to the promise of the Lord.<BR>In spite of me,<BR>He,<BR>will keep his will and word.<P>This is a copyrighted work.<P>This was a poem about my beast. We all have one we cannot control. I suspect that you have some blame. You worked too much, you were mildly abusive to a very disturbed person, you were looking out for yourself. My wifes friends hated me too. Except one. They all knew how to control her best. They would control her for her own good. They would never admit this of course. Your wife, I suspect is in the same position. No respect of her own privacy. You may want to check if she was prostituting herself as well. This is sometimes common in severely abused women. They can control a john better than a lover. No emotion, but money gives power etc. etc. She has been greatly damaged. You are not enough to "save" her.<P>You should demonstrate your great generousity to your children. If your children continue to be raised by your wife, they will become perverted like you SD. This saddens me to no end. Your wife must give up everything. I feel she never will. She has been at it too long. This was Gods choice for you. Don't curse him. You must be strong to carry a cross such as this. After the children are secured where they can be stable and feel secure in the appropriate truth. "Mommy chose to hurt us, so we can't see her any more." Whatever you have left over is for your wife. My wife brought men into our house. The "kids were asleep." I know that she still hurt my babies. It is my judgement that she is now changing, not cheating, counseling etc...<P>It is my judgement that your wife believes she can still control you and "have her cake and eat it too." My wife did. She needs your security and the freedom of infidelity. She MUST integrate those two dynamic needs. I feel she has lost every chance to do that as your wife. She should willingly seek institutional help after giving up the assets and divorcing you. Each step should be presented to her as a requirement after the previous has been completed. First the assets. Then divorce/custody. Then the best institution you can find. This is a caring act to her and the kids. Revamp your whole life. New house cars furniture, everything. Move out of state. Continue to see her if the Doctors say it is healthy. Consider total separation and eventual coming back together. How strong are you??? God, has given you the right to walk away now and rebuild your life. Your choice.<P>Read your bible. New invitational version put out by Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod (WELS). <A HREF="http://www.wels.net/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.wels.net/</A> <P>Read Dr. Chalmers books. All of them. Just remember if you do what you do in love you cannot fail.<P>Gods Grace to you. As a servant of God, pray for the Will of God and accept His Will whatever it may be.

That bible was the New International Version. Sorry for the typo.