This is my first time writing, and I feel very anxious about<BR>responses that may come in after I post. Late last year, my fiance of 4+ yrs broke off our relationship for the second (and so he said) final time. His reasons were that he needed to find himself and that being with me did not enable him to do that. additionally, he had told me that he had been unhappy for the past 2 yrs. Of course, I couldn't do anything but accept his decision. Although I was extremely sad, since we had "almost" broken up about 5 times in the last year, I was ultimately relieved that there was resolution, no matter what it was. We were unable to get out of our lease for another 1.5 months, so after the initial discussion of who gets what, I told him that I may start dating, before I move out, for companionship and also to just start moving on. He agreed and seemed not too bothered by it. <P>So I did it (about 1.5 wks later), and he freaked out. However, we talked about it and he stated that he was shocked that I could do that so fast (in his opinion) and shouldn't I still be in "mourning" over our breakup? I explained to him that I had been crying over this for the past year, and that although I was unhappy that we weren't able to work it out, I was relieved that I had resolution finally. <P>I continued to date the other guy, and we had sex on a few occasions. A few weeks later, my ex wanted to talk to me and told me that he had been thinking very hard about our situation, and didn't want to lose me. He also further stated that his true intention of breaking up had always been to be on his own to "find himself," but THEN to return back to me so that when we got married he would feel like his own person. All of this came as a shock to me since he had been so adamant about breaking up just a few weeks previous. However, I thought about it very long and hard and came to the conclusion that I truly loved him, and I wanted to work things out. Needless to say, when we mutually agreed to start dating, but we also agreed (on my suggestion) that anything that we had done while apart was "our own business" and didn't have to be revealed to the other. <P>I stopped dating the other man, although I felt somewhat attached to him as a friend, so that I could concentrate on working things out w/my ex. We still moved into our own places, but we saw one another at least 4 times/week. There were many times that, while having deep discussions, I would want to give up, but he persisted and stated that he would "always be willing to work things out" and that "he'd never give up on us." I believed him.<P>About 6 days ago, during a discussion about sex, I revealed to him that I had slept w/the man I dated during the time after our breakup and before we talked about working things out. To say he took it bad is an understatement. He has since asked for his ring back (which i gave him), told me to leave him alone, and has blocked my emails. He says he feels betrayed because he trusted me, and that I'm "tarnished" and he feels "lower than cheap" (direct quotes). He also went on to say that I put a knife in his heart, and that this was the worst thing I could've done. He also told me that he feels his depression coming back, and that his obsessive/compulsive nature has him thinking about the act of sex between me and the other all the time.<BR>Despite the fact that I didn't know about his intention of getting back together later, he feels that I should've told him right from the start of our dating (depsite our agreement).<P>What I would like to know from those who have been on his side is: what can I do to try to get through this and possibly work things out with him? is there any hope that he'll ever forgive? Logically, perhaps this doesn't count as an affair, but emotionally it does. Although I know that life goes on, I am still hopeful that his anger and jealousy will fade and our love for one another will remain standing. <P>Thanks for any responses.

Pondering Life,<P>Many years ago before I married, I dated many women and was engaged to one girl. She was the love of my life but somehow things never seemed to work out. She played around and that ended our engagement. We never got back together.<P>I tell you this so that you have some idea where I am coming from. From where I sit, if you have been engaged for 4+ years and couldn't figure out how to get married. If you felt like breaking up over and over again. THEN you should not ever resume your relationship with him.<P>Apart from lectures about sleeping with a man you only casually know, there is nothing to chide you about. You owed him nothing, you ability to tell the future is about normal , and you weren't engaged, dating or any way encumbered by a relationship with him. <P>In short, you did nothing wrong. However, I do think that you would be absolutely NUTS to marry this guy or even consider it. There are better, more committed men out there and you need to find one. This man is not worth you time, and a good amount of the time he feels you are not worth his time. <P>So sit down and review your relationship, all of the on and off's, all of the concerns and doubts, and realize that someone is trying to give you a message. This is not the right guy for you.<P>Smile, say a prayer of thanks, and tell him no thanks the next time you see him.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: You might want to do some serious reading while you are here. Go to NSR's post in "Just Found Out" he has a general greeting. It has within it many bookmarks to interesting articles. Also read His Needs Her Needs, you will find it informative.<P>

JL, Thanks for the response. I just wanted to clarify some things though. We weren't engaged for 4 yrs, just within the past year. Also, HE was the one wanting to break up the 5 times in 2000. His reasons were always that he needed his own time, but I was stupidly optimistic that somehow we could work that out. All of that culminated into the breakup in late 2000.<P>I do hear what you are saying about finding someone more committed, but I still love him. I know, I know, I'm probably just a fool, but I'll try to take your advice to heart and really evaluate what was lacking in our relationship (definitely communication) and what was good and try to see where the scales tip more towards. However, I suppose it's all a moot point since he's not talking to me anymore.<P>

I have to tell you that usually I am pretty conservative and I was the one that was betrayed. Nevertheless I must say that I thought you did absolutely nothing wrong. Your former or present boyfriend sounds very immature and extremely self centered. I really think that you would have nothing but problems with this fellow. You were broken up by his request and you further informed him that you planned to date and he accepted that because he wished for the breakup. I think that you should think of marrying a man and not a boy. It sounds like it is his lost. Don't let him attempt to manipulate guilt on you by his childish behavior. Good luck to you.

pondering,<P>I find myself in pretty close agreement with the first two responses here. The advice from Just Learning to read more here is worth taking. I particularly recommend clicking on the gray "Concepts" link to read Dr. Harley's basic concepts if you have not yet.<P>Most of us here are married and committed to staying that way if possible, sometimes despite long odds. You are not married and do not have the same moral imperative and length of shared history that causes most here to try so hard to save our relationships. I too think that without dramatic changes by him marriage to him would likely be a big mistake.<P>I'm not certain but your posting is the second one I've seen recently that reminds me of something written <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/print/mbi5035p_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>here</A> by Dr. Harley. See his answer to the second letter regarding approach-avoidance conflicts. If this reminds you of your relationship with your ex-fiance it seems to me to be another warning flag. If it does and you do elect to continue seeing him, I think you should educate yourself more about this issue and consider mutual counseling to address it before deciding to marry this guy.<P>Best wishes,<P>Steve

I have recently been betrayed by my wife of twenty four years. While the marraige was generally good looking back at our pre marriage. There were many times we almost broke up. It is hard to say after all that time if I should have ended in the beginnig, but if there are such strong doubts now on his behalf and yours( shown by your quick acceptance of another man) Walk while the walking is good. You never want to be where many of us here have been on either side of an affair. <BR>Truth is alway the right thing. Telling him was correct. Apologizing would be correct. If you have doubts then move on.<BR>Best of luck

Thanks for the replies. It is funny how when i write down the situation, my logic agrees with you all that I was free to do what I wanted at the time, and that I didn't do anything wrong. However, I suppose that my ex's perception of the situation is just as important to me as my own, and that's why I say I betrayed him. From what I've read on this website, that seems to be the general feeling. I have apologized to him, despite the timeframe of the incident.<P>No, we were not married and so morally I have more freedom. But our relationship was committed, and therefore, through thick and thin, we would try to work things out. In that sense, I feel that ours was more like a "common law marriage" more than just being his girlfriend. Perhaps that is why I don't find it so easy to walk away, even in the face of his shutting me out.<P>I did read the response that "StillHers" suggested, and some of the ones from JL ->thanks, they were helpful in getting my mind to think somewhat differently about this situation. I agree that he has growing up to do, and I will not allow myself to be guilted into anything, or to be treated poorly by him. Should he want to try to work this out, I will want to do it in counseling (definitely together, perhaps on my own as well). At the very least, I suppose that what I pray can be salvaged is the mutual love and friendship, even if that means that we aren't together.<BR>

Pondering Life,<P>You said something that I think you should reflect on, because this point seems to get a lot of people into trouble or at least marriages they shouldn't have started. You said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>No, we were not married and so morally I have more freedom. But our relationship was committed, and therefore, through thick and thin, we would try to work things out. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No PL you are wrong about this and feeling it was a "common law marriage". If you are married you don't break up. You don't just leave give each other the rings back like you were going steady. Marriage is much deeper and committed that you seem to preceive. <P>This is represented by the fact that your BF was/is very afraid of commitment to you. You were not in a committed relationship. You two are "playing" house, but you don't seem to understand about marriage.<P>The advice people are giving to you would be very different if you asked: "Should I date him again? Should I have a relationship with him again?" In most cases we would answer in the affirmative. BUT, you are talking about marrying this man. THAT IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING. <P>We see children (always a strain on a marriage), financial difficulties (happens freq. in marriages), fatigue, age, all of these things happen in a committed marriage and are overcome in successful ones. You two cannot even agree to get married or when you are truely broken up. He broke up with you, but he didn't even understand that simple concept.<P>PL, you need to, as Bryanp says, find a man. He is still a boy. I dated a lot of women before I married, and believe me there is a difference between men and boys when it comes to relationships. Do yourself a favor, move on. You will be doing him one as well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: Being "in love" is nice, but it doesn't make a marriage. Yes you need love, but you need much more, but mostly you need commitment; on your part and your partner.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited March 14, 2001).]