If you read my story can someone change after so long. You will see that some years ago I had a incident much like you are discribing for you fiance. I choose to bury it in the fear that it would have for my marriage. I thought it innocent enough. How wrong I was. It came back to destroy my marriage of 24 years. The pain that we have experienced is beyond discription. The damage to my family and friends is devastating.<BR>My wife now tells me that her affair of recent was a result of the building of doubt and anger over what happened to me many years ago that I never discussed it with her. It is much like a small wound. If not dealt with it can fester and ultimately kill you. <BR>I would encourage anyone who has doubts or who may be hiding a secret to bring it out and deal with it. If you fail to do so it will come back and haunt you at some latter date, and at a level that is far worse than resolving it today.<BR>Sit him down, share my story with him, tell him how you feel and ask him for the truth no matter how painful. If you love him, You may be able to forgive. My wife threatened me with divorce so many years ago so I never spoke up. Be gentle with him encourage the truth so that you both can marry with peace in your hearts. Lingering doubts will kill. <BR>The alternatives is to move on. Don't let that wound fester clean it out today.<BR>The best to you

Terrific answer, Torpedoed<P>I can't even begin to imagine what you went through after all those years of marriage.<P>Basically that is my theory in life - take care of it before it ruins you. When I suspected my husband of having an affair, I openly asked him about it. If he chooses to lie about it, then I know that I will be the one who suffers the most in the end. I opened the way for him several times, and even mentioned that if it turns up 15 years later and it was a lie, I wouldn't know if I would divorce him for long-term lying (that's what I call it).<P>It's much better to get it out in the open first, and deal with it now, than to lie to save face now and have a disaster later.<P>Keep your chin up!! God Bless!!<P>------------------<BR>CPL

Caribgirl and Torpedoed:<P>Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking an interest in my situation. I loved receiving you insights, made more valuable because I'm hearing from both sexes. I have read both your stories and wish you all the best in your respective situations.<P>I agree that this must be dealt with before we marry, which is in about a year. It has been confusing to me that someone who has exhibited many fine qualities to me has lied about this. Because we were buddies for so many years, I heard ALL the dirt from my guy...and he never mistreated or cheated on any girlfriend prior to me.<BR> Things between us are very good, except for my obsession, pretty cleverly hidden. (by the way, I don't use the word obsession loosely -I think my human snoop-a-thon is ridiculous. I'm stuck with only gut feelings and half-heard conversations. I WANT to stop because it's a waste of my energy, but I'm afraid of missing that ONE piece of evidence I need to table the issue, confront it, and hopefully move on.) <BR>We have been very lucky in that we do most things together. The Harleys articles have been able to confirm my gut feeling that this is the right thing to do. We play volleyball, baseball, participate in charity tournaments, shop, eat, sleep and even bathe together. I have seen a flourishing in him in the two years we have been together. <P>There is one thing I am waiting for before tackling this. He lost his job in Nov. due to downsizing. I think he is close to two offers now, but still unemployed and feeling bored, frustrated helpless and angry. During this time, we have remained very close and he has verbalized these feelings to me. When he feels pride and relief to be working again, I will raise this issue.<P>I know how wrong it is to go through another person's things. Believe me, it makes me ashamed. I've looked in the odd pocket before, but never like this. I know he doesn't suspect me. He asks about even the most subtle changes in my moods. I want to stop, but I want to find something to support my suspicions equally. <P>Anyway, way too rambly, sorry. <BR>Many thanks, this already has helped so much<P> Robyn (Snoopy).<BR>