I found out 3 weeks ago about my H's affair. Since that time little communication - What little there is, is initiated by me. I start counseling this week-hopefully that will help. He is going to the first one but will not committ to going to any others. He says he wants to come to an agreement about this whole thing - he isn't sure if he really wants to try to make this work. I am getting very exhausted trying to hold this together, I am trying everything I know to get him interested in making this work - he says he wants to but I'm not sure. I am feeling very defeated and when the doubts creep in I find myself wanting to let him to leave - despite the fact I desperately don't want this. Is this normal, How long should I wait, be patient. I feel as though every day may be the last and I am beside myself waiting for the axe to fall - is it today, tomorrow, next week, next month? How long does recovery take? Talk about being impatient. I am trying so hard to be pateint, but the longer time goes by and the longer nothing happens - good or bad, I am feeling more defeated. He is the one calling the shots - making decisions for himself (what HE wants) that affect me and at this time there is nothing I can do about it. If he stays its his terms, if he goes I am left stranded! This whole thing stinks!! If I could I would shake him, tell him to snap out of it, and knock it off - but I know its not that easy. My only other alternative is to let him leave - which I don't want and which would betray my own feelings. Where do I go from here? They say time heals all wounds- but time is not healing , its just keeping me in limbo.

<BR>I'm sorry for what your going through-I'm in week 5 after finding out about my wife(emotional affair). We too, do not communicate about it. She would rather just ignore the whole thing. We have not spoken about it at all since D-Day. I know what you mean when you say you are waiting for the axe to fall. I never know where I stand anymore. When those doubts start creeping into my mind I stop what I am doing and pray for 5 to 10 minutes and ask God for guidance and direction. <P>I have tried to turn this over to God and it really does give me comfort. I ask Him to guide me and help me defeat the demons in my head. I believe this is Satan trying to keep this alive and keep my wife and I apart. I can't know whether or not she is being faithful, but I have to believe that God's will will be done, and I believe it is His will that my marriage survive. <P>I hope in time we can talk about some of this, but right now we don't and to be really honest, I think I'm very afraid of what some of the answers might be. Some days are good and some are bad, but I don't feel as devastated as I did those first few days. <P>Good Luck and I hope you find happiness.<BR>

Rather than looking for the end of the journey to healing, try looking just at the next step along the way. I can't lie to you....healing is going to take a while. The conventional word is that it takes 2-3 years to fully heal. Now, don't freak out at that.....the progress is continuous and the pain gets better and better every day.<P>Your body and mind are in shock, what you are experiencing is very normal. The inability to concentrate, the anxiety attacks, lack of appetite, sleeplessness, nightmares, terror, all of these are very normal physiological reactions to the news of an affair. The book After the Affair by Janis Spring lists them all....you might want to check it out.<P>I know it seems that your husband is calling the shots for you, but I believe the best thing you can do is simply to stand firm for your marriage. Don't make decisions in haste or anger. Beginning counseling is a great step....go alone if he won't go with you.<P>As a Christian, I also encourage you to seek God in this crisis. He is the One who brought my husband and I through and helped us heal. We celebrated 3 years a few weeks ago and are very happy and content. It wasn't easy and we did a lot of talking and a lot of dealing with the affair and things that were wrong in our relationship. I had to process through it and deal with my own anger and pain as well. I found great comfort and guidance in the Bible and the devotion book Experiencing God Day by Day by Hentry Blackaby. I also found great help in the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder....I highly recommend them to you.<P>Again, don't frustrate yourself by trying to see the end of the road right now, there are too many twists and turns....just keep your eyes on the road ahead of you and take it one step at a time.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by husky:<BR><B>I found out 3 weeks ago about my H's affair. They say time heals all wounds- but time is not healing , its just keeping me in limbo.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Read my posting in the EMOTIONAL NEEDS FORUM titled, "Is She Having An Emotional Affair?"<P>While my wife might have had just an Emotional Affair with no sex or other physical contact, her going to her "friend's" office, having him drive her home occasionally, going to lunch with him and her endless telephone conversations, were cause for concern.<P>It's been three years and I still haven't 'healed'.<P>Sometimes, I'd be good for a few months and then I'd 'blow' suddenly.<P>Read my posting in the Emotional Affairs Forum.<P>Clyde<P>

Maybe I think differently but in my opinion it is not him but you who should be calling the shots. It's your choice, do you want him? <BR> Would leaving him cause you a financial hardship? Why would you want to be with someone who violates the sanctity of marriage then appears not to have remorse for it? <BR> I hate to have such a negative attitude. I found out about my H affair 8 weeks ago after a major surgery. I made him move out and I am the one calling the shots. You nor I had any say in our men having their affair but we certainly have a say in how we will let them continue to treat us. <BR> Be strong, for yourself, not for him but for yourself.

It's been 3 YEARS for me. I don't figure I will ever 'heal'in the sense that the pain will be gone, the best I can do is learn to live with this hurt that infidelity has brought me. Learn to live with this ugly gly secret and act like nothing has happened, act like I have forgotten all about it. Good luck I hope u do better.

Husky,<P>I'm 16 months into recovery. Everything that is delineated here on this website has happened to us. At first, my h was unresponsive. He thought he could set the ground rules. I was in denial for a long time, sometimes it feels like I still am. I'm still having difficulty forgiving him.<P>At this point, he is FINALLY starting to change, but only after I have given up. I'm still stuck in the anger stage too. I'm seeing that time heals wounds only when we take action to help those wounds heal. Sure, my h's changes are good, but if I hang on to the anger and bitterness, all his new found good qualities are for nothing.<P>My h is starting to hug me and kiss me again. He's starting to hold my hand. Sometimes I still cringe at his touch. We don't make love right now. I don't trust him with my heart yet. I have serious reservations about having sex with someone I don't love. I still don't understand how he could.<P>More time needed for us to heal, same as for you. Listen to HGB. God whispers to her heart. She's helped me lots! (xxxooo to HGB!!) <P>Recovery is like climbing out of a deep pit, very slow, very messy, exhausting. Rest, take care of yourself, learn how to calm yourself. Your h still has lots of the wrong things to say inside him, as do you. Still so much work to do.<P>I think it's too soon to decide to leave, unless he is hurting you physically. In that case, GO! Otherwise, give it several more months. He's still thinking about OP, I'm sorry to say. You can't make him do anything. You can only decide for yourself if you should stay or go, and it's too soon after the affair to look at your marriage objectively and decide if it was a good emotional investment on your part yet.<P>What gives me comfort sometimes is taking action for myself. It makes me feel like I'm moving forward and not waiting around for my h to decide what to do. I made sure my finances were in order, in case we did fall apart. I cleaned and organized my house, in case I had to leave. I took care of my health with doctor visits, teeth cleaning, adequate sleep (that took some time to get right), and good nutrition. Currently I'm taking classes to further my career. This experience changed me, and I will never again completely rely on my h for my security or my well-being. I was naiive and lazy before. Not any more!<P>I'm struggling with trust issues right now. I wonder if forgiveness is a prerequisite for trust, or trust the prerequisite for forgiveness. I think I'll post that on "In Recovery" and see what I get back.<P>I wish you peace,<BR>JP<P>

Thank you for those words of encouragement. I am at a great loss here. We started couseling 2 weeks ago, and I think despite that, my fear is that it isn't working. The counselor asked us to spend this week doing a few things he suggested. On the way home I asked him where do we go now - whats next. I meant this week, his reply " I think we both know where this will go, what will happen in the end" talk about bowl me over. I'm thinking today, he's obviously thinking forever. He also is still thinking about moving out. He says it isn't getting any better and the best thing for him to do is leave. He's the one who said this takes time and now he's bailing? He says married life, kids, etc is too hard and he doesn't want to do it any more WHAT?!! I told him its kind of late to be thinking about that now. I told him he will always be a father, no matter what, and leaving won't change that responsibility. (Secretly I am afraid he will skip town and that will be all) We talked about getting separete finances, he said it was too premature for that, he hasn't even decided if he is leaving or not - He says he isn't leaving but his actions suggest otherwise. He has his own account, keeps thinking about moving into an apartment, says he doesn't want this life, but yet he is reassuring me he's not going anyhwere, I still am his best friend (huh?), and that he wants to work this out - What the h*** do I do - so now I play a waiting game. I am doing everything the therapist suggested, I am backing off, I am not asking him to talk all the time, forget intimacy, not even hugging, I am doing everything I can and he is doing nothing to help this situation except reassure me he's going nowhere (while thinking of leaving!! I can't take the head games. He is calling the shots despite me trying to make some decisions. It is so unfair that he is making decisions while only thinking of himself yet they affect my life and I can't change things. I told him its not fair to make me wonder day to day if I am still going to be married tomorow. I know I will survive if he leaves - I believe I am a strong person, I will have finances in order, kids will get fed, I will still go to work- BUT what do I do at night. HOw do I deal with not having him by my side the rest of my life. HOw do I deal with wanting to hold someone who isn't there. I still love him with all my heart- how do I stop!? I have to stop loving him to brace myself for what I think is the inevitable, but to do so means I am giving up on us and trying to make this work. Where do I go from here? I am so sad!!!

You husband's reaction, unfortunately, is normal. My husband kept asking for us to separate and even went to a psychiatrist who recommended that we divorce. He didn't want to give up our daughter though. Well, he kept acting like an ******* until I left him and took our daughter. Then the "reality" of what might be coming down shook him up enough to start making a committment to the marriage. He was still in a fog at that time and still did and said some pretty awful things but the A had ended and he had accepted that we were going to work on our marriage no matter how difficult the process. We finally went to a marriage counselor who told him that he had gotten us into the mess he was experiencing and that he was just going to have to be a "man" for a while and take whatever I dished out because of my hurt and anger. I'll give my husband credit that he did do that. What he did wrong was run away from telling me the truth and I caught him lying about the affairs for up to three years. We recently finally got to the very last thing and it's all out in the open now. I can think of it and it hurts still, but it is almost like "he" did it to me and (looking him in the eyes while talking to him ) "you" didn't do that to me..."you" would never hurt me that way. That transition has really helped with the intensity of the pain. I went from thinking of it every single minute of every single day to thinking of it, maybe once a day now or even some days, not at all. Occassionally, there will still be triggers and I may think of it more than normal. But, the pain is a dull ache rather than a breath taking searing pain in the heart!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cheatedonin98:<BR><B>You husband's reaction, unfortunately, is normal. My husband kept asking for us to separate and even went to a psychiatrist who recommended that we divorce. He didn't want to give up our daughter though. Well, he kept acting like an ******* until I left him and took our daughter. Then the "reality" of what might be coming down shook him up enough to start making a committment to the marriage. He was still in a fog at that time and still did and said some pretty awful things but the A had ended and he had accepted that we were going to work on our marriage no matter how difficult the process. We finally went to a marriage counselor who told him that he had gotten us into the mess he was experiencing and that he was just going to have to be a "man" for a while and take whatever I dished out because of my hurt and anger. I'll give my husband credit that he did do that. What he did wrong was run away from telling me the truth and I caught him lying about the affairs for up to three years. We recently finally got to the very last thing and it's all out in the open now. I can think of it and it hurts still, but it is almost like "he" did it to me and (looking him in the eyes while talking to him ) "you" didn't do that to me..."you" would never hurt me that way. That transition has really helped with the intensity of the pain. I went from thinking of it every single minute of every single day to thinking of it, maybe once a day now or even some days, not at all. Occassionally, there will still be triggers and I may think of it more than normal. But, the pain is a dull ache rather than a breath taking searing pain in the heart!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I liked your philosophy about transition. As it is now I look at him and feel the hurt sear through me. How long ago did this happen, you seem to be healing. <P>I discovered my husband's affair Feb. 6 of this year and I am a Long way from not thinking about it every waking moment (except for today, I went back to work and it really helped) . I go from love to intense hate to indifference, and all of this within 20 minutes of time.<P>I fear my husband won't live up to promises of change and the marriage will not survive. I feel I am doing what I can, I'm still here. I haven't moved ten thousand miles away, (a thought I've had).<P>I too have read many new books on infidelity, many different opinions, attitudes and solutions. The main thing to remember is there is no right answer.

Is his affair over? Is he moving out to be with her? Is she truly out of his life? These are important questions before you decide what you really want, I think.<BR>D Day was Aug 20,00-We were separated during the 3 week long PA, I thought it was an EA but I didn't even know about that until about a week before he came home. <BR>On D day, I wrote him a letter...that I was moving on with my own life..that I was taking control and that he was a cowardThat after 27 years of marriage, I wasn't going to wait to be "chosen". That I was taking off my wedding ring and begin dating,that I had been asked out(I WAS!!) and that while it wasn't what I wanted, HE WAS so I was,too.That he was right when he had said, during a fight, that "Neither of us would remain celibate". He came home to get some clothes,read the letter, left very sad and called 30 minutes later and came clean. The PA ended that day but the EA continued without my knowledge for another 3 months.The first 3 months he said he was really home, he wasn't, he was in withdrawal. Once he really SAW her, is when true recovery began. I don't think it can happen unless the other relationship is really over. <BR>The progress we have since that day has been remarkable. Took me a while to get over that continued contact but I guess, NOW, I'm sort of glad because I don't hink he would ever have seen this woman for what she is if he hadn't talked to her more,with his head back in our marriage. Anything he said during that 3 month time frame was based on lies. <BR>Maybe your H needs a reality check. I know you don't want your M to end, neither did I. But I was sick of being controlled by events in which I had no place. This was MY life. How dare he!!<BR>Protect yourself, emotionally,if you can and financially,for sure. Saving your marriage will be the hardest thing you will ever do. It's painful,for both of you. IT should be painful for your WS,too. Take care of each other in your own mutual pain and be the best person, for yourself, that you can. Sounds to me like your H is still in the fog and withdrawal stage...they all waffle in that stage. If you do what I did, not saying you Should,be prepared for the darkness before the dawn. Even knowing the dawn may be you finding the strength to go on without him. My H knew I meant what I said in that letter. I HATED my situation, not sleeping,not eating, throwing up all the time. It was horrible butI was sick of feeling bad about myself for a thing he did to me.BUt I was really going to file for a legal separation the next day (Dday was on a Sunday). He came home because he realized what he truly wanted,to me married to me. Just took him a while to let go of the OW. She certainly didn't help,calling him and IMing him all the time. But she had been "comfort" to him during his "unhappy" period. Him not realizing that SHE was what made him unhappy. It was mcuh easier for him to blame me.<P>Hope this helps a little. We are better now, not great, godd days and bad days but most important, he is remorseful, and will do anything for me to help me get over this. Forgive him> Maybe some day, right now, I need to concentrate on acceptance Good Luck to you both. It IS WORTH IT>

Wounded 2673<P>Words of wisdom, thank you. I have been fighting the feeling of being his 2nd choice. Maybe because I always thought I was his only choice. Letting another in on the sacredness of my marriage destroyed that belief. I can't understand How he could have done it. Once you learned of your H affair did you doubt any and all female friends etc. he'd ever had over the years. I certainly did. Honestly, at this point I don't know that I can ever handle another one.<P>I read about Emotional Affairs, the type without physical contact and I really have to laugh, my husband was involved in many of these over the years and truly led me to believe that it was the norm. After all, they weren't doing anything. Going to their homes to visit, talking on the phone etc. I have a lot of damage to heal within my marriage. <P>The biggest hurdle is in making him understand that the so called "norm" is not what I want out of life. I only pray that he loves me enough to be honest and let me go if he can't change. I don't want any more of the "what the wife doesn't know won't hurt her attitude". I can't live like that anymore. <P>Do you think we become stronger after such a horrible thing happens in our lives? Something is changing deep within me and I can't put a face to it. I feel both at the weakest point in my life and yet also at the strongest. I survived it. It didn't kill me, I always thought it would. Yeah, I've thought about him possibly doing this over the years what with his "I'm just friends with these women attitude" but I never dreamed he would ever want to see me hurt like this. I thought he loved me.