Hi,it's me...SoDuped's husband.<P>I've been reading your posts to my wife from you...some very disturbing and eye opening information and opinions.<BR>I know what I've done is inexcusable and unforgivable.<BR>I'm past the paper thin skin level, and realize that if I want this to work I have to be open to some not necessarily pleasant critisism.<BR>I'm still print all the more recent posts and at the moment can't think of anything to ask or say.<BR>When I do I will give you a post.<P>Thanks,<BR>Wanting it to work.

What did you find to be 'disturbing?'<p>[This message has been edited by Dogbert (edited March 20, 2001).]

Dogbert; The part I found disturbing is the way you felt compared to the way I feel. All the emotions that I am feeling scare the hell out of me, and I'm not sure how to express them to my wife. I went to the therapist today and told him about all the crap that has been going on,and that I'm the cause of it all. Then he explained a couple of situations with examples to me and I began to see my wifes point and why it upset her to the extent it did almost as bad as having another affair.<BR> The part that I was having trouble with the reaction she had was that she didn't see what it meant to me by not responding to the porn books. The therapist explained it to me that it wasn't the outcome as it was the thought process that got me to the point that I was at when I opened the books.<BR> I see where I went wrong and I have to think the whole scenario through including the outcome, and the impact it would have on us BEFORE I do anything. <BR> I have a lot of questions for advice on how to deal with situations when they arise. The main one the I have found to be working today is for me not to react to the situation when my wife is upset or mad. The best way to handle it is to let her vent, then ask if she NEEDS anything,ask her if she wants to talk about it, if she says no then wait for her to come to me ready to talk. That is what I am having the most problem with, that and my feelings being turned on and off like a light switch. I am finding that very frustrating and some days very defeated,lost and wondering if there is any hope of us working through this and still being a loving, caring, sharing couple at the other end. I want this to work more then anything else in my life and wiil do anything to make it happen.I DO NOT want anything to do with the OW and if I ever see her again it will be tooooo soon. Ihope that I have made soom sense with all this and I look forward to any advice that you or anyone reading this might have.thanks............

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wanting it to work:<BR><B>All the emotions that I am feeling scare the hell out of me, and I'm not sure how to express them to my wife. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>What kind of emotions?<BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>The part that I was having trouble with the reaction she had was that she didn't see what it meant to me by not responding to the porn books. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I am not sure I understand that. I do believe she feels threatened not by the pictures per se, but that your mindset is such that you would turn to porn. It is complicated isn't it? You feel turned on and you wonder what to do with the feelings you have and your wife may not be ready for a million different reasons to have sex. Very frustrating and isolating experience.<BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>The main one the I have found to be working today is for me not to react to the situation when my wife is upset or mad. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes. For years I thought it was my job to fix my wife when she vented her frustrations. Now I realize many times she just wants me to listen. Then she throws me a curve and wonders "Why don't you have an opinion?"<BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I am finding that very frustrating and some days very defeated,lost and wondering if there is any hope of us working through this and still being a loving, caring, sharing couple at the other end. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>What kind of vision do you have for your marriage? What does the ideal marriage look like to you?<P>

Dogbert; I was having trouble understannding why my wife was having the trouble until my sessoin with the therepast and he explained to me.<BR>To answer your question about the feelings, they are the hate, anger, and self lothing that I feel towards myself. The sorrow, remorse, empathy, and guilt that I have caused sooooo much pain for my wife. Also the feer I feel about the possiblity that she may still decide it's over. There is all the unknown that we are deeling with with so much unknown it makes it hard to function on a day to day basis.I know that I am soposed to take it 1 day at a time and let go and let GOD and easy doses it, know all this stuff, it,s just today it is really hard to accept and descourging when we seem to go along for a couple of days taking baby steps in the direction of working through everything then everything goes to pot when we have a fight that esclates to the point where she wants me to leave and me playing the macho jerk that I,m rite and no way that I,m going anywhere so she decides to leave. Then I block her way and then I spend the next couple of hours apologizing and trying to express my feelings in a way that it won't offend her. Then there is the issue still looming over our heads today taking away from the positive experince we had today involving our kids.<BR>I want only to take her in my arms and tell her and show her how much I love her. She has apolgized to me and I have forgiven her but I feel it's not enough on my part I feel I need to more but I don't know what to do, any sudgestions.<P>THANKS................

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wanting it to work:<BR><B>To answer your question about the feelings, they are the hate, anger, and self lothing that I feel towards myself. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>This is a normal feeling don't you think? I mean, I would feel the same way if I had an affair. Heck, I feel that way even with my pornography. Did your wife print out the story about Jesus cooking breakfast for Peter? To me that is such a picture of how Jesus looks at us. He (Jesus) doesn't ask us "Are you going to do it again? And are you 'really' sorry for what you have done?" He just asks us to get up, dust off and keep going. And everytime you and she have one of those bad days or fights, you both must not let it keep you there.<BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Also the feer I feel about the possiblity that she may still decide it's over. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You know. I carried this fear with me for many years with my wife and I didn't commit an affair. It was just a fear that after my being a jerk and us having a fight that she was going to decide it wasn't worth it and leave. I understand completely this fear.<BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>when we seem to go along for a couple of days taking baby steps in the direction of working through everything then everything goes to pot when we have a fight that esclates to the point where she wants me to leave and me playing the macho jerk that I,m rite and no way that I,m going anywhere so she decides to leave. Then I block her way and then I spend the next couple of hours apologizing and trying to express my feelings in a way that it won't offend her. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>My wife and I have repeated this scene several times. She and I would have a hellacious fight and she would be ready to leave. But I would stand in her way and spend tons of time apologizing and crying to get her to stay. Wierd feelings aren't they? And it is during all the crying that you ask yourself, "Was I that bad? And if so, what the heck for?"<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I want only to take her in my arms and tell her and show her how much I love her. She has apolgized to me and I have forgiven her </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>That is positive because she has apologized. Just carry on now and remember it will happen again. But remember that you guys are taking several steps forward and a few steps back and eventually the incidences where you take the steps backward will be less and less.<P>Hang in there. Just love her and don't play macho! It never works.<P>

<B> [QUOTE<BR>Did your wife print out the story about Jesus cooking breakfast for Peter? <BR></B>[/QUOTE] <BR>Yes, I read the story and it's interesting you re-quote it because that's the way I feel about things. Yes, we're going to have set backs and we can't dwell on them, we have to move on, and having this type of place to go makes it easier to do that. <BR>We came to an agreement tonight about the porn books...and a new understanding on my part in terms of how they make her feel, and we've decided to throw them out. I'm OK with it and hope my wife is more at ease with the whole episode and everything involving the books, now hopefully we can move on from this and keep mending fences.<BR>We've made plans to talk about my wife's anger issues and she's accepted the possibility that we can use one of the tools and steps that I use in my 12 step recovery program.<BR>Specificly the step dealing with resentment - "Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". This step is a huge hurdle and usually THE deciding factor if the person doing it is going to stay sober or not. I found out on Friday night that I still have to do a few steps and eventually I will do this step and the next - "Admit to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of out wrongs." -with my wife as being the other human being. Hopefully this will be a positive step in our recovery.<BR>Something else I also realized is that my motivation today is to get over this and work through this with my wife and come out the other end a better husband and partner, if by chance it doesn't work I still want to carry on doing whats necessary for me because of the way this will make me a better person and a healthier person in my day to day existance. <BR>I've promised my wife that I won't touch any books again until she feel ok about it, and that feels really good. I'm quite at ease that this subject isn't going to be an issue or THE issue in our future that it has been in our past.<P>We've been wanting to talk all day and it's getting late so I have to say good-bye, and again Thank You for all the support.<BR>

Have you considered these books? <BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0830817913/ref=pd_gw_qpt_4/107-3786753-5623719" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0830817913/ref=pd_gw_qpt_4/107-3786753-5623719</A> <P>or<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0830723358/qid=985641365/sr=1-1/ref=sc_b_2/107-3786753-5623719" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0830723358/qid=985641365/sr=1-1/ref=sc_b_2/107-3786753-5623719</A> <P>You may think you don't have a sexual addiction, but after reading them you may be surprised.