I discovered my wife of 20 years had been communicating with one of her childhood sweathearts, she claims a hand full of e-mails, one night on a messenger service, it all started when they both signed on to a chat site. She tells me this all took place over a 10 day period.<P>She lied about it all the way, offering only what she had to, 3 weeks after confronting her the first time I came accross one of her e-mails in the sent items of our computer. Nothing ugly, but she did offer up a little more, prior to me finding the e-mail she had told me she was talking with alot of her old buddies on the chat site, she didn't mention it because I would be mad! True. When I asked if she exchanged e-mails she looked me in the eyes and said "no way". She had of course. She tells me she was looking for information on the death of an old friend<BR>when the @#$ of $%^&* suggested he mail her the info. He followed it with 4 or 5 more mails and his phone number.<P>My wife tells me that's when she realized things were snowballing out of controll and that she soon would have ended what ever it was going on.<P>Anyway, my million dollar question is, did my wife have an affair?<BR>

Dear Robert Mac,<BR>My husband and I are experiencing the same type of difficulty as you and your wife at this time. However, I am writing you as the guilty party. I am the one who has been emotionally and mentally unfaithful with a mutual friend via chat rooms and email. I couldn't lie to my husband when he asked me if I had feelings for this mutual friend of ours. I believe that I did have an affair, even though it never became physical, and I told my husband that I wouldn't blame him if he left me. He asked me if I wanted him to leave me, and I said no. We are trying to work through this, and I know it must be harder on him than it is on me, but he loves me so much that he is trying really hard. My question to you is, do you want to save your marriage? Not that I'm trying to blame you for your wife's emotional infidelity, but are there things that you could do to fill her up so that she has no need of any outside attention. I take full blame for the way I've behaved, but there were lots of things my husband and I could've done to prevent this from happening. We could have prayed together EVERY day, try to please each other in every way (not just sexually, but emotionally, spiritually, etc.). We could have done simple things that we did in the beginning of our marriage....held hands frequently, kissed every day, hugged each other the minute we saw each other after a day apart after work, looked into each other's eyes and really listened to each other...........etc.<BR>I want to repeat myself...that I take full blame...I was led away by my own desires, and no one pushed me into it. But if you want to save your marriage, try to look at what made you fall in love in the beginning of your marriage...and focus on those qualities in each other. And both of you should try to reattain the qualities that made you fall in love (or grow in love--whatever the case may have been). My husband has started opening the car door for me again....I know that may sound silly, but it's the little things that you do for each other that can make a HUGE difference in your marriage. And if your wife has asked you to forgive her, please forgive her...for hers and for your sake. 20 years is a lot of hard work and love to just throw away. May God bless your marriage. <BR>Wantsuccess <P>

Personally, I think I'd call it a near-miss, versus an EA. The line is a bit fuzzy, and the truth is that it does not matter really what you call it.<P>The question is, why was she vulnerable to something like this? Chances are the online relationship met some need for her that ideally would have been met in the marriage... can the two of you strengthen your marriage & meet each others needs better, & make your marriage stronger? That is the important question...<P>Kathi

Dear Wantsuccess<BR>Thank you, it's clear your a very intellengent person,(like my wife) and if I could have your ear and advice one more time I would appreciated it. I haven't completely ignored my wife over the years, yes I could have been a better husband, (I realized that a few months back and began doing things about it) my problem is she tells me she isn't lacking anything, she loves me as much today as she ever has, she says she is absolutely content. It's hard for me to understand why, we have both spent hours on this web site, she tells me she was simply talking with an old friend, that there were no special feelings. Isn't talking with an old friend a one night thing, and maybe she is lacking something from me? I do want to work through this, I bet I feel like your husband, we love our wifes, we find it very hard to forgive the people we love the most, that's because no one else could ever disapoint us like you gals have. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wantsuccess:<BR><B>Dear Robert Mac,<BR>My husband and I are experiencing the same type of difficulty as you and your wife at this time. However, I am writing you as the guilty party. I am the one who has been emotionally and mentally unfaithful with a mutual friend via chat rooms and email. I couldn't lie to my husband when he asked me if I had feelings for this mutual friend of ours. I believe that I did have an affair, even though it never became physical, and I told my husband that I wouldn't blame him if he left me. He asked me if I wanted him to leave me, and I said no. We are trying to work through this, and I know it must be harder on him than it is on me, but he loves me so much that he is trying really hard. My question to you is, do you want to save your marriage? Not that I'm trying to blame you for your wife's emotional infidelity, but are there things that you could do to fill her up so that she has no need of any outside attention. I take full blame for the way I've behaved, but there were lots of things my husband and I could've done to prevent this from happening. We could have prayed together EVERY day, try to please each other in every way (not just sexually, but emotionally, spiritually, etc.). We could have done simple things that we did in the beginning of our marriage....held hands frequently, kissed every day, hugged each other the minute we saw each other after a day apart after work, looked into each other's eyes and really listened to each other...........etc.<BR>I want to repeat myself...that I take full blame...I was led away by my own desires, and no one pushed me into it. But if you want to save your marriage, try to look at what made you fall in love in the beginning of your marriage...and focus on those qualities in each other. And both of you should try to reattain the qualities that made you fall in love (or grow in love--whatever the case may have been). My husband has started opening the car door for me again....I know that may sound silly, but it's the little things that you do for each other that can make a HUGE difference in your marriage. And if your wife has asked you to forgive her, please forgive her...for hers and for your sake. 20 years is a lot of hard work and love to just throw away. May God bless your marriage. <BR>Wantsuccess <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thank you, I find it easier to live with a near-miss. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>Personally, I think I'd call it a near-miss, versus an EA. The line is a bit fuzzy, and the truth is that it does not matter really what you call it.<P>The question is, why was she vulnerable to something like this? Chances are the online relationship met some need for her that ideally would have been met in the marriage... can the two of you strengthen your marriage & meet each others needs better, & make your marriage stronger? That is the important question...<P>Kathi</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>