How do you feel about her husband sending you that letter? I have 2 husbands whom don't know that their wives had sex with my H. I hate it. I feel like I am betraying them again. How do you think you would feel if you had never been informed?<P>I need help with this issue!

Broken,<BR>Purplemag posted that in Feb of 2000 and may not be around much any more.<BR>There was just a thread about this over in the Recovery group you may want to look for. <BR>Everyone has his or her own opinion on the subject. Personally I’m on the fence. Yes it’s true the truth should come out and these men have a right to know, but why you? Your main concern should be your own marriage. Have you discussed informing them with your H? Does he agree? If not I would hold off, follow the policy of Joint Agreement. Again, your real concern is your marriage, an that does not make you a bad person!!<P>Also consider carefully the ramifications, What would the outcome be? Would one of the OW’s marriage end leaving her available to try and rekindle things with your H. How would these men act? Any chances of violence towards your H? It would be hard to recover if your H is in the ground. <P>Much to consider don’t act on this one with out thoroughly thinking it threw.<P>oswald<BR>

In my case my husband was a sex addict so there are not issues of my needing to improve on my side of the marriage. Of course there is always room for improvement, but I have to admit I know that I am a wonderful wife. I have been completely supportive of him throughout our marriage and he tells me now that I am his guardian angel. He lived a double life in that I never had an idea that this was going on. He is military and travels alot. Anyone looking at us from the outside would have thought that we had the perfect marriage. My mother even commented to me after I found out about his adultery but before she knew that she has never seen a couple communicate better than we do. Boy I thought I'd choke when she said that!<BR>My concern is that my H is not facing this horrible side of himself until he faces these men. He works with one of them and I just don't see how he can even speak to him.... I want a man who has learned that there is no grey area between right and wrong. He is concerned about his career and his life where these guys are concerned and so am I. But do you sacrifice your own moral, ethical code at the expense of another human being?? I am willing to face whatever concequences may come because I know that it will be God's Plan. I guess I would feel better if he saw these guys the same way he sees me now. I mean here he was screwing these other woman and coming home to me and screwing me. But now he sees me..... He realizes that I am a person whom he didn't love well and who now is in a great deal of pain due to his selfish actions. I am also a person who has lived a good life and I've never done anything to hurt someone else. Yet here I am in this position where I have terrible information that I am keeping secret that impacts their lives even though they don't know it... We've been camping with one couple, he works with the other, we run into them often. We've been in a store and see them coming and I start shaking and my husband stands in the aisle with tears running down. That makes me so angry though because what was going through their minds before I knew the truth??? I've contacted woman my H has had sex with as far as 14 years ago... Now I may live my life waiting for them to contact my H years down the road when their wives have the courage to do the right thing by their life mate.<BR>Another thing, if any of these ladies want my H, they can come try and get him, if he goes then he goes. I know he won't go but I'm saying that I have so much to offer a H that if he wants someone else let him go, I'll plan their wedding.... I know I'm blessed in that I don't have to deal with the knowledge that my H actually fell in love with someone else, but I do have to deal with an addiction. Somedays I wouldn't mind at all if another woman rekindled things with him, I'd set him free in a heart beat!<BR>I love him very much and I want my children to have him in their life every day but I love myself more.<BR>I just want everything fixed.... I want these men to have the chance at a 'real' marriage just like I have that chance.....

One of the most dangerous outcomes of living with a man with a sexual addiction is the risk of STD's. Have you insisted that your husband be tested? Also, if he is not receiving help for his problem, not that it would necessarily cure it, aren't you worried that there may be that one time he sleeps with the wrong person? You don't have control over your husband's actions but you do have control over protecting yourself. God bless you.

Oh yes we have both been tested several times. As far as HIV goes though there is actually a 5 year window so although we have tested negative so far one never knows. I fully believe that God spared my life by allowing me to find evidence about his behaviour. We are in counseling and that is going extremely well. My WS has totally turned his life around. The scarey thing for me is that he can go for years at a time without acting out. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to let my guard down. In reality it is no different than a WS without a sex addiction. It only takes one time to get a deadly disease and once they stray once I believe it is easier for them to do so again....<P>God's Blessings

Hello BrokenDreams!<P>Sorry about that. Oswald is right - I don't really post that much anymore. I've been hanging out more on the Emotional Needs thread as of late. To answer your question...<P>I actually found out after I posted that it was the OW's H that sent me the letter, that it was actually HER pretending to be her H. Her H didn't even know about it at that point. My H tried to break the relationship off with the OW because she was getting "freaky" and "psycho" (his words). Her retaliation to that was to basically tell me about it. However, I think it was the most cowardly thing to do. She didn't sign it, AND she made it look like it came from her H. Bad move.<P>As to if I was never informed...my H at that time was deeply ingrossed into his beer - he was already making moves that I thought to be weird to begin with and was questioning his staying out late and the whole nine yards even before I found out. I would have eventually. I'm a snooper. And, we probably would be divorced today anyway. As, I was in total withdrawal with the relationship because of his alcoholism and EVERYTHING coming before me. Volleyball, Golf, Work, Beer. EVERYTHING.<P>I am in a similar situation now with one of my dearest and closest friends. She was having problems in her marriage, and was very vulnerable, and ended up in an affair. After it ended, she felt so guilty about the OM's W. It really was eating her up inside. There were several occassions where contact resumed, but only because he owed her money. During those times, she told him she wanted his wife to know. He refused to tell her. At this point my friend's H knew she had an EA, but didn't know it went PA. He eventually found that out, and my friend made contact with the OM to let him know this information. And, basically, that it was time for him to tell his W or she would. <P>Get this - it came down to the fact that this OM made his W call HER to get the information! The guy was such a coward that he wouldn't even tell his wife, that he made her call the "OW" to find out. Talk about a coward and a weak person. I'm glad this happened, as it really showed his true colors for my friend. <P>Anyway, my friend ended up telling the OM's W everything she wanted to know. She even offered to show her the journal she was keeping. The W, obviously upset, was glad to know the truth. I think she was angrier with her H for not telling her, and not having the guts to tell her than with the whole affair.<P>My humble opinion is, I think (as a betrayed spouse especially), the betrayed spouse has a right to know. I'm not sure it's your place to tell them, but they do have a right to know. I have no suggestions as to how they are to be told, but they do have a right to know.<P>I ditto Oswald's questions to you - really think about the ramifications and why you want to tell these people. Is it for revenge, pity, because they have the right to know? Remember, that everyone hears a story very differently, and things get taken out of context and will be offensive.<P>I didn't get a chance to read your other posts as I'm really busy right now, and was only perusing through when I saw my name! I hope this helps you out a little bit. I'll try and come back a little later today to read the rest of the posts and give you more information if you need it.<P>Good luck with everything!<P>--purplemag