For my friends, especially Just Learning - I want you to know that I have kept my word and stopped using snooping to discover the facts surrounding my partner's betrayal. I feel so much better, it's not funny, even though I have elected to work on the truth verbally with him when he has resumed work - he is very low right now. To anyone else who has found themselves becoming obsessed with looking for "clues", you may wish to consider that the only real route to the truth lies in communicating with your partner - be patient. Wishing everyone strength this week<BR>Robyn

Robyn,<P>I think you have made a series of wise choices. I believe that your trust in BF and the year of engagement should reveal to you all you need to know. I sincerly hope that it is revealed to you that your BF is the man you think he is and the man you need.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

You are right in many ways. I too searched and asked questions of both my husband and the OW until I had the answers I wanted. My husband says I learned too much, that it would make healing much harder. It's not his choice on how I heal, I know that the unknown would have tormented me just as much as what really happened. <BR> I went from having absolute, total trust to having none. Why, because I learned that I could have put a stop to the four month relationship long before if I had just trusted my instincts and followed through with them. Don't ever let your guard down. In a perfect world our spouse will be totally honest and answer our questions with truth. In reality humans are programed to protect both themselves and the ones they love. I hope I am not being cynical, I learned the hard way that a man is very capable of telling you what they think you want to hear.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by k9love:<BR><B> You are right in many ways. I too searched and asked questions of both my husband and the OW until I had the answers I wanted. My husband says I learned too much, that it would make healing much harder. It's not his choice on how I heal, I know that the unknown would have tormented me just as much as what really happened. <BR> I went from having absolute, total trust to having none. Why, because I learned that I could have put a stop to the four month relationship long before if I had just trusted my instincts and followed through with them. Don't ever let your guard down. In a perfect world our spouse will be totally honest and answer our questions with truth. In reality humans are programed to protect both themselves and the ones they love. I hope I am not being cynical, I learned the hard way that a man is very capable of telling you what they think you want to hear. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are so right! Men ARE capable of telling us what we want to hear. I made sure to mention that to my H. I told him specifically that I want the truth even if it hurts me. All the time. That way I can know exactly what I'm dealing with. <P>It hurts much more if you know they lied to you and you find out months or years down the road.<P>All you gals & guys who have been cheated upon - keep your heads up and if you think your marriage is worth it, continue to fight. <P><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Thank you all once again for taking time for me.<BR>JL - my choice to refrain from snooping has been rooted in the idea that I need to get a grip and do what is best for my emotional health. Also rooted in the fact that I have found no indication that the betrayal has continued.<BR>Others have cautioned me that my backing off is not so wise - that I should remain alert to clues that will point me toward the truth.<BR>The stories I have read here cover the entire spectrum - affairs that were impossible to hide, and ones that were (and still are) alomst impossible to detect.<BR>Does an affair, like something rotting in the fridge, eventually smell so bad that you both have no choice but to acknowledge it?<BR>I'm not sure whether I am naive to back off searching, or smart to curb internal paranoia, brought on by the actions, last fall of another woman with poor judgement.<BR>Everyone is also saying to one another that a marriage cannot thrive without trust. Yet, there seem to be hundreds of thousands of people who have faced betrayals in their marriages. Is trust finite, like back or white, or is it more like a living thing, which can be in good health, poor health, die and be born?<BR>Am I "wrong" to marry a man unless I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt that I trust him until death? Can anyone really say that?<P>Just thoughts.<P>Robyn<P>

RC,<P>I personally think that trust is a "living thing". It can be built up and it can be destroyed. But most important in your case, I think you need to realize that if you ever trust your BF enough to believe that he will never "do that" or for that matter trust yourself enough to say that you would "never do that." Then you are foolish.<P>My suggestion to do your best to never take your BF for granted. But realize that you do not control him. If you love him, treat him with respect, and are aware and respectful of your marriage, the odds are high your trust/and marriage will be very good.<P>It seems to me that you do have some issues that you must address with the jealousy. However, the real message that I want to relay to you, is that action speaks louder than words. Your BF's actions have been perfect since your engagement. I think they will continue to be, but if he did have an affair you would notice significant changes in him. Maybe not at first but they will occur. <P>It is my opinion in many cases where the spouse says they were blindsided, it is because they had ceased to really pay attention to their spouse. Which might also explain why the affair occured in the first place.<P>So enjoy your engagement. Learn more about your H to be. Learn more about yourself. I think you will do well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I feel trust is a decision. It is a leap of faith. We can trust facts because they never change, but people are not as stalwart. People have a change of heart almost constantly. <BR>The only WARNING I have for you is: do not have children for a long time. If you risk your own happiness, that is your business. Children are innocent and we take the risk's for them. I cry for my children. They do not know about my W's cheating and God willing they never will. Nonetheless it will effect them.<P>I and my wife made the choices that brought that about.<P>God bless

JL:<P>JL: Bless you for your wisdom and your observations. Yes, I am someone who is very interested in what my BF thinks, feels, says and values. I am glad he is excited to share things with me. So your point is well taken that, had this been a full-blown affair, I probably would have noticed pronounced changes in him. <BR>Invictus, you and your family have my prayers and best wishes. I sense you have the view that I am headed for a future which is unhappy and unstable, where the relationship's positive aspects and history hold no weight against my feelings of sadness and confusion at the present time. Why does my situation strike you this way?<BR>I agree that it is cruel to willingly bring a child into an unstable relationship. But, as you know, we don't always get to decide what happens next. I am glad that your children have a father that feels so very deeply for them, that cries for them. I know that not a day will go by without you thinking about their happiness. I truly believe that, because of that love, they will always have a feeling of safety and hope.<P>God bless,<P>Robyn

Saw the OW last night. Very difficult. She is VERY ingrained in our social culture. To leave that culture would be to sacrifice 30 friendships just to distance ourselves from her. Is that how it usually happens? Last night I felt shaky and angry, but today, not too bad. It is easy for me to control who comes into our home, or to plan events that only take in a portion of this circle. But I fear that at the larger events, she will always be present. Should we give up major annual events, which we have greatly enjoyed, because she is there? I would much rather be aware, alert, and learn how to deal with her presence. I know this is exactly the opposite of what Dr. Harley recommends. But why should we be forced to give up key parts of our culture here? I think I've given up enough already. I would welcome reactions to this comment - is there anyone who strongly agrees or disagrees with it? I am anticipating that most people will say: - "What matters to you more, this circle of friends or your relationship? Because you can't have both."<BR>JL....you there?<P>Robyn<P>