Hi - I have been lurking for a while now here and this is my first post here. I thought I was in recovery for the last 7 weeks and have posted on that board but this morning I was pushed way back to feeling like I have heard it the first time. My story- married for 11 years, 4 beautiful children and a H who had 2 PA and several EAs some of them online. That is of course if he is telling me the truth now. Back in Jan 01, he admitted to affairs but no actual sex, 'there is alot you can do with out actual sex' is the line I got. On Tues he admitted to oral sex and this morning actual sexual intercourse. I thought back in Jan that I could forgive and go on and we had a wonderful time these past 5 weeks. Now I am not sure I can or want to go on. He lied to me again and I dont want to be used as a door mat again. I have 4 children who would really be better off with 2 parents but I am not at all sure I can put it behind me and move forward. I have no fight left in me - I spent the last 7 weeks fighting for my marriage and look what he did - continued to be dishonest. I feel sooooooooooooooo stupid. Any suggestions or wise advice? I could really use some now. Berne

My H took about 4 weeks to reveal the complete truth. Every week or so as I asked questions he would tell me something new. He would tell me -this is it after I tell you this there is nothing else and yet a week later something else would come out. It was sooo awful. From my research, that is a common occurrence. For some reason they think that telling a little bit of the truth resolved them of all the rest. We have been married 12 years and my husband has had 14 one night stands, two before we married and 5 of them were women that I knew. I have complete understanding for the way you are suffering. We eventually came to the realization that truth is the building blocks for trust. I still don't know if I'll stay in the marriage, but I'm giving it all I have right now which isn't much. He accepts that and knows that it is much more than he deserves. One thing I would ask you to think about is why you settled. In my case, I realize now that I wasn't getting much in return from my husband even though I though I was. Why did I accept that? From there you should start processing your life.... Work on you as much as you are able to as you deal with this and try to let your husband figure himself out. I've learned that I can't tell him what to do anymore ... He needs to learn how to make good decisions on his own without always having my opinion. In other words I no longer wish to be an extension of his mother. I want to be a wife of a man who is passionately, deeply, meaningfully in love with me. Unfortunatly it will be quite some time before I feel 'in love' with him again, I can hardly look into his eyes now.... Let him take care of the kids and take long walks, start working out if you don't already (that is a wonderful stress reliever) and try to eat healthy.

I can identify with the first post. I never moved to recovery but I was beginning to think I could resume normal....things like sex and talking. I now after 8 to 10 weeks have moved out of the bedroom. I feel alot more comfortable. Like the brokenhearted post, I think I am taking care of myself. I don't want to be vunerable. The truth coming out in dribs and drabs in very emotionally draining to say the least. It is maddening because the whole thing here is the length of dishonesty, betrayal, lack of intimacy and oh yeah in my case...an STD. <P>It is too much. Some good advice there though. It sounds like you went to counseling, brokenhearted. Is that the case?

May,<BR>It is indeed a hurtful thing when they don’t tell all. Unfortunately, I do think Broken is right. Somehow they think by giving you little bits of information it will make it easier on you. It is an unfair assumption. <P>I had this problem in the beginning also. In my case, I sat down with W in tears after yet another awful discovery and posed it to her this way. I said that each time I’m given new potentially hurtful information I am kicked back to the beginning. I told her that I needed all the information so that I could make a decision on what I needed to do. I told her that I would accept the information with out reacting like a wild man. <P>I explained that she was making assumptions about what I could handle, she had made the assumption that I would not understand what she was going through when she started the A with out coming to me first. She made the assumption that I could not handle knowing all by feeding it to me a little at a time, or worse yet letting me figure it out and confront her.<P>I basically explained that it was unfair for her to expect me to make a decision on whether I should stay and work on the marriage when I did not have all the information needed to make this call.<P>Luckily she responded with all the information. I learned some pretty awful thing that morning including it wasn’t truly over until just day before.<P>I kept my promise, stayed calm and thanked her for her honesty and took some time to evaluate my position.<P>Like you I thought I had no fight left in me. I chose to stay anyway, today 6 months later I’m still fighting at times but it was the best decision I have made.<P>Before throwing in the towel, remember you are still in shock after only 7 weeks. Each new piece of information just adds to the shock. Try not to make any life altering decisions for a while. If you leave you’ll be faced with that lose as well as trying to deal with the betrayal.<P>From my standpoint if things didn’t work out between my W and I at this point, I would know that I did my best and would not regret staying to try. Thankfully that isn’t the case and I now know my marriage is going to get through this thing.<P>Hang in there, <P>oswald<BR>

Artsy,<BR>Yes, I'm in counseling although the counselor spends most of his time with my H. I've done a massive amount of reading. Fortunately, somehow in this crazy world, I turned out to be a strong, loyal, compassionate person. Lucky for my H!

Broken, <BR>I think we have similar situations or maybe H's. Your approach sounds like I could have written it myself. After 30 years of marriage I have awaken to the truth that my H doesn't do any of the feeling around here. He has a need...sex and when that is taken care of we can talk etc. He isn't a monster or abusive...he just wants sex. I have felt that there is this oppressive thing always hanging over me. Since finding out about his infidelities I've moved out of the bedroom and it is very freeing. He can now think his own thoughts and have his own feelings. If one of them is anger...well so be it. <P>The counselor (couple marriage counseling) today told us we need to go back to beginning a friendship. No sex. Just learn to live on the friendship level. This is something we've never had. We started having sex right away. I was sexually abused and I just thought it was the thing to do.<P>We married at 20, 23 for him and I've been doing the best I can until this. But I always felt and he made me feel it was never enough, often enough. I also have read tons of books. I go into a manic reading thing when I'm hurting and so I have devoured books. One that was good at the moment was...When your lover is a liar....Susan Forward. Probably not on the Christian book to read list. But if you need to feel validated for being mad because you've been betrayed...it's the book. It is a feminist's book on Boundaries. I loved it at the time. Now I am working through my anger. I don't even want to go into the abuse with this male counselor with H there but that will come up sooner than later. I've been through it at $130 a week so that should be enough. <P>

I also really found the book - when your lover is a liar very helpful.

may90<BR>You situation sounds much like mine. My wife origanial revealed her affair on Dec 15th. Or should I say I squeezed it out of her. First it was only two times. We spent 3 week side by side. Talking I was in deep agony she swore that she had told me the whole truth. As i thought about it it almost seemed impossiable so I pressed. After much arguing she wrote for me the tale of three time over a months period. I was satified for a while. after a month of pledges of absolute truth I found phone bills that showed that she was calling him over a three month period. Even when I was home. Finally after another blow up she admitted to over seven physical contacts At least twenty dates.Also that she had talked to him after her admission and introduced him to one of my kids. In addition she admitts to knowing him for years.Each time it is like a new affair is revealed crushing once again. Is there ever truth. I doubt that we will ever know the full story. I guess I am getting to the point which I think is where we all need to go. Does it matter. Care for yourself. Decide if you love your spouse or move on. I moved out of the bedroom after the first month. She begs me to come back all the time tempting me with sex. I give in and I feel like a heal. I need time that is what you sound like. Time to decide. With all do respect to the literature on this subject. Everyone seems to miss the point we need time. Let it go. Just watch the future I will work on the same.<BR>Hang in there.<p>[This message has been edited by Torpedoed (edited March 29, 2001).]

I want to thank you all for replying to my post. I appreciate all the support and just knowing that I am not alone. Since I made this orginal post many things have happened, my H moved out(as requested by me) and my kids are devasted. After a very emotional nite with my 9 yo who is sure we are getting a divorce and he will never see his daddy again, I have decided that my H can move in for the kids, it was not an easy call to make but the kids really miss him. I cannot continue hurting the kids. I still am not sure what I will do, there are still revelations coming - last nite I learned that she had been in our house and they use to 'kiss and hug' in OUR bedroom while our 4 kids and her 2 kids were in the back yard. I know I am in shock because the new revelations just fly over my head, I do not know what to think. My H says that he will make this work and that he will change my mind about the future but I don't see how he can ever make up for what he did. I still do not see a bright future for us, I just don't think I can ever let myself be that vunderable again.<P>Torpedoed- I'm not sure I would have moved out of the bedroom - she was the one who made the choice why shouldn't she move?? My H will be on the couch for some time to come, It was his choice to screw around, he can have the couch!!!!!!!!!!! You are right when you say time is what I need, I am praying I will not always feel so much resentment when I look at my H, I guess only time will tell.<P> Broken - you asked - One thing I would ask you to think about is why you settled?<P>I have to say that I have been unhappy for a couple of years now and all the complaining did not make a difference. I always got a comment that devalued who I was and made me think I should not think I deserve more, I also did not think going out on my own was how I wanted to raise my children - they are only 4,7,9,13 now and were younger then. I always wanted to raise them as a stay at home mom. That is one of the biggest reason I willl stay for a couple of years regardless of how my H changes or doesn't change. I would have to work full-time if I chose divorce now and with 4 kids, one of whom is autistic I don't think that is a good choice right now.<P>So now I wait and pray that God will take care of me and show me what he wants for our future. Thanks again for all who posted to this post

Here's my two cents. My husband continued lying and letting it out in pieces that I had to "prove" he had lied and finally he would come clean...on one incident...and that literally stretched out for nearly three years for us. And, yes...each time I found him lying...it was betrayal all over again. Actually, time made the affairs themselves (3 of them) not nearly as important as the lying issue. I stayed because except for the A's...he really straightened up all his other nasty ways of lying about any and everything. He basically conquered that...except for the A's. For many reasons: protecting his [censored], protecting me, shame at what he had done once he started loving me again...it took him until three weeks ago to finally tell me the last, and perhaps the biggest thing. It would have really helped me though because it was about driving to her city and then turning around after going two thirds of the way and coming home without seeing her. That would have made me feel great, but, as he said, I probably would not have believed him. So, in our case, it worked out. Now, don't think I actually did believe him with his horrible track record. But, we called the motel that he always stayed in and had the two months of his last affair and the month after he suposesdly ended it checked to verify whether he had stayed there or not. To our delight..the records prove that he did indeed turn around. Once they lie for a long time, they actually forget the truth and believe their lies. That was the case with my husband. It has been a long, hard road to rebuild my trust. But, the good news is this: We still made progress. He did quit seeing her ( The EA/PA woman of six weeks )and really tried to be a better husband to me. Not perfect...even had some pretty awful times because he fell out of love with me and stayed with me at first simply because of our daughter. But, by our committing to the marriage..even for the wrong reason (our child) we did rekindle all of our love for each other. We did alot of individual soul searching and both discovered many things that made our marriage far from happy. We, as individuals addressed those things, and now, we have a much happier, healthier, and stronger marriage...and, this has led once again to passion that is better than in the courtship days because there is a spiritual connection between us based on all of our shared history. We had been married 14 years when he had his first A and almost 15 by the time of his third. I played the victem for almost six to eight months...but, then I started taking responsibility for why he felt like I didn't love him or care about him or his feelings anymore. He took a drastic measure to get my attention. I've learned that we can't assume that they will love us no matter how we treat them. Somehow, he wasn't making me happy, but, I was a career woman and threw myself into my career for the fulfillment that my marriage wasn't providing. He had nothing, so he went outside the marriage for fulfillment. Now, we both try to provide that for the other and if we feel the other is falling down on the job, well, we tell each other in a non threatening way. There is hope and healing in time. Hang in there everyone. Just call me a three year veteran into recovery. We just recently had a crises but we handled it so beautifully together because we can feel safe being honest with each other.