It's been 8 weeks today since I found out about my husbands affair, and yesterday I turned into Sybil.<P>For the last few days I'd been feeling angry, but wasn't alarmed - my therapist warned me it was coming. <P>For some reason yesterday I snapped.<BR>My husband and I were trying to talk about why I had been pushing him away the last few days, as well as a few little issues that had popped up.<BR>I was describing my feelings, but didn't do it in a constructive way and he reacted defensively. I pounced and threw the affair in his face.<BR>He walked away, and I followed in a rage.<BR>It just escalated from there.<P>I'm ashamed to admit that the fight became physical.<BR>Someone had told my husband that when he see's me in such a wound up state to just hug me until I calmed down.<BR>He tried, and I was so angry that he would even attempt to touch me just then that I fought him.<P>I have never felt so much rage in my life, and have never EVER reacted to anger in such a physical way.<BR>I'm sick at the realization that I have it in me to do such a thing...and I'm afraid.<BR>What if this isn't the end of this...is there more to come?<BR>Will I be able to control it next time?<BR>How do I even begin to repair the damage between my husband and I, or for that matter...the damage I've done to myself?<P>I don't know what to say to him now. So much happened last night...so much was said...so many tears. The wall just kept getting bigger and bigger.<P>Has anyone else ever gone through this?<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoDuped:<BR><B>Has anyone else ever gone through this?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I have been on the receiving end. <P>Been slapped and punched and had things thrown at me. That kind of thing. WooHoo!<P><BR>

Yes, I believe that is normal. I didn't react quite as violently as you describe but close. Why would you not feel those emotions? You have been violated. It is almost like someone taking your heart and ripping it out of your chest and squeezing the blood out....<BR>The way you described your emotions building up also happens to me. I feel angry yet numb. It builds up and the walls I erect get higher. <BR>I think the explosion is necessary to tear down the wall. Hopefully it will get better instead of worse but I'm sure you will feel those emotions again.<BR>The build up of anger is better than the build up of numbness. This might be one of the reasons it is better to attempt to save the marriage if both parties are willing. Otherwise I believe the numbness takes over and goes right into the next relationship.<P>God's Blessings...

Dogbert...<BR>Thanks for responding on this thread too...I was hoping you would.<BR>What was it like for you to be on the receiving end?<BR>Did it change the way you think or feel about your wife?<BR>How did you begin to resolve the anger?<P>BrokenDreams,<BR>Thanks for sharing the fact that you've felt the same way...I was starting to question myself as to weather it was any kind of normal reaction.<BR>I'm afraid I don't know much about your story...how long has it been for you?<BR>Do you still feel that kind of anger?<BR>What sort of things helped you to deal with it?<P>Sorry for playing 20 questions quys...I'm just at such a loss with this one.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoDuped:<BR><B>Dogbert...<BR>Thanks for responding on this thread too...I was hoping you would.<BR>What was it like for you to be on the receiving end?<BR>Did it change the way you think or feel about your wife?<BR>How did you begin to resolve the anger?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>It's terrible! The last time she hit me was Christmas 1999. She said later she thought I was going to hit her. But, I was just raising my arms to receive the brunt. But somehow she punched me below my left jaw and near the throat. The pain shot up into my head and I bent over in the floor. Ugh!<P>It always either involves PMS, company coming over (Christmas 1999 - her family), or time constraints involving trying to get somewhere and little time to get there. Oh, and when I am in the kitchen trying to help her cook and she is instructing me and I don't understand what she means and the emotion level rises and before you know we are shouting and she is coming at me.<P>Let's see (this could be cathardic) she has come at me with several objects. Slapped me once which she immediately cried and asked for my forgiveness.<P>Time got me through it. The reason she even started counseling 4 weeks ago was because she got mad at me one night and threw a spatula. The anger that time was not at me originally. She was mad at our neighbor and took it out on me. She has always taken it out on me. This time a few weeks ago I told her "Get help!"<P>I don't think I am mad at that anymore. I realize she has been dealing with tons more issues than how I am treating her. I did tell her during the spatula incident she was like trying to get close to a porcupine. She agreed. So, it is a process.<P>Does that help? <P>

One more thing. When she gets like that (which is not as often) I do feel hate. I call her names under my breath. So, THEN I am really irate but I have never "unleashed" my anger on her like that because I know it would mean war.<P>Oh, and she is ashamed of her anger just like you are.<P>James 1:20 "for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God."<p>[This message has been edited by Dogbert (edited March 23, 2001).]

There is a good little book called Getting the Best of Your Anger by Les Carter...I recommend it. Anger in and of itself is neither good or bad. It is a reaction to the actions of another person towards us or a circumstance we find ourselves in. Anger takes on the properties of good or bad depending on how we process and express it. While it is within the range of normal to react to the revelation of an affair by hitting or slapping the unfaithful spouse, it isn't acceptable if it continues. To always express anger in a physical way would show that there is definitely something that needs work. Anger expressed in a constructive way is processed and dealt with...it doesn't do damage.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

<BR>SoDuped,<BR>I'm afraid I don't know much about your story...how long has it been for you?<BR>8 months.<P>Do you still feel that kind of anger?<BR>I feel the build up but I'm no longer exploding. I express it in letters since it is difficult for me to verbally express my feelings to him and sometimes through talking.<BR>I was physcially violent twice. Once it was directed at him and once a baseball bat and some furniture connected.<P>What sort of things helped you to deal with it?<BR>In my situation my H made a horrible situation worse by taking a month to tell me about 14 one night stands. For us it was very important that he answer all my questions. Every time I came up with a list of questions he would take a few days to deal with my questions and finally admit that he had committed a few more acts of adultery than he had previously told me. So I would feel the pain all over again. My friend described it as though he kept tearing the scab off and making me bleed all over again.<P>We are doing very well in recovery. There is just no getting around that this is a scary place to be though!<P>

Dogbert,<P>Reading your post really talked to me. I use to treat my husband the same way. He did hit back though. I am not sure who hit first. I just remember all the anger I had at him and the world. My heart goes out to you because God has shown me just how much I hurt my husband by excepting things from him that he just wasn't created to do. It truly hurt me to read your post. My heart also goes out to your wife. I know she feels bad about the way she reacts. I also know she doesn't want to be this way and she doesn't know what to do about this rage she gets. I almost let it kill me.I waited to things got really bad before I turned to God to help me. It has been a long hard road but God is getting <BR>past all the rage. I am sure your wife is like me in that all this rage has nothing to do with you. It goes way back for her. She can't enjoy Holidays because she has became a human doing not a human being. She measures her self worth<BR>by trying to please others or trying to get everything perfect. This is a terrible place to be and I found that no one could rescue me but God. I found a bookthat really helped me called "The Perfect Woman's Flaw".The following minsitry also helped me to see what was going on with me. <BR>It would be a good place for both of you to go to heal your marriage. <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> <P>SoDuped,<BR> <BR>As I mentioned above, I know your rage. Mine came out for different reasons but the feelings are the same. I still have some trouble with anger but nothing like before.I was fourty years old before I was willling to turn to God and let Him heal me. I found out that God is the only way and it takes faith and time. I will be praying for you.<P>gentle

gentle - <P>Yes, I realize (after many years) her anger has nothing to do with me. But for years I would shake in my boots (so to speak) thinking I was a big failure in my marriage. One thing it did do was cause me to become a better husband I think because I have become quite skilled at meeting her needs. And now I think that if I fall short she possibly could be expecting too much.<BR>

Dogbert, <P>Maybe that is why my husband feels he has to run from our marraige now. God has really changed me and it broke my heart when I read what you wrote about how scared you were. <BR>I saw me and my husband. Maybe he still believes he was a failure for not meeting my needs, no matter if they were my expectations or not. Maybe he is afraid to try again when he didn't really fail. At least he didn't fail like he thinks he has. I know he does have low self esteem.We are getting along good now and he spends a lot of time here with me and our daughters. He even takes us to church every Wed night. We are getting along better that ever.Sometimes it doesn't make sense but I have to believe God has a plan that I do not understand. Thanks for listening.<BR>gentle <BR>

Thanks everyone for responding on this thread, and Thank you Dogbert for offering what it's like to be on the receiving end.<P>I'm still having trouble understanding myself where this rage is concerned - especially since it caught me so off guard - but I am making some progress...<P>First, I've realized that it's ok to feel the rage - the thing that matters is what I do about it now.<BR>Also I see that the rage is directly related to the affair itself, and not to any other aspects of life.<BR>It's been a week since 'I lost it', and I'm just now able to have a coherent conversation on the subject...My husband and I have planned to talk it out this evening...Say a prayer and wish us luck ok?<BR>I'll post and let you all know how we're doing.<P>Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, experiences, and advice - you have all been a great comfort.<BR>-Anna

Thanks SoDuped for posting this topic. I two have hit my H twice when I have become angry about the A. The first time was when I found him at her house. The second time was when I discovered an on going email between him and her at our work. Neither time was a pretty site. After the 2nd time I have promised myself that I will never hit him again. I must use my self control and rise above my anger. I have 3 little girls that if he resumes the A that I want sole custody of. So I will keep them on my mind in the case of discovery again. I appreciate knowing that I am not alone in this misdeed.

ZZZ,<BR>You aren't alone - there seem to be many here who have felt similar feelings.<BR>For me it does help to know that others have been in our shoes and survived - I hope it really does offer you some comfort as well.<BR>Is your husband someone you can talk to right now?<BR>I sat with mine and tried to explain the anger to him...I don't think he truly understands, but he is trying, and that fact alone takes the intensity down a notch or two.<BR>At least I know that he accepts how I feel and is willing to work it through with me - I don't feel so totally alone anymore.<BR>Stay strong, and be there for your girls.<P>Good thoughts and prayers to you.<BR>

Dear SoDuped and others<BR>I find this fascinating. We aren't battling an affair. She is the one who hits me, throws fruit, and has broken a chair and a radio (both by smashing them on the floor). <BR>Yet, I find that the talk about anger is mostly overstated. Like depression is over-diagnosed, over-stated, and perhaps, over-prescribed. In a normal distribution, aren't there many cases of feeling upset, annoyed, perturbed, irritated, before we go all the way and describe anything that is not pleasant as anger. When we say someone is angry, aren't we trying to say that that person is at fault? Couldn't we ask kindly, "tell me what is concerning you?" and then work together. Just a thought.<BR>What has really hurt me is that our former so-called therapist--I kissed him good bye nearly 18 mos ago--and that allowed things to heal from his tragic, pathetic, and useless "efforts"--did not seem to find my Ws striking and destruction as significant. Yet, he spoke of my domination<BR>Well, I didn't get then and I still don't. My bias is that many therapists find it very easy to "blame the man" since, in fact, much significant physical abuse is done be men. <BR>I certainly have been helped by solutions focused people like Harley, Gottman, and Wiener-Davis who don't spend much time evaluating who is hurting and why, and move boldly in the first session to specific actions of support and love for each other, and don't bother to do that pointless and painful work of dissection of past hurts. <BR>I am just staying at it, slowly, lovingly, and with admittedly less intensity than in the past. She hasn't hit me for over a year, and probably won't.<BR>Still waiting on her to state and show some affection, though. (and not pushing it by asking for more than she can give) But, I guess I will wait some more--after all she did move back in, though the [censored] therapist discouraged it. Sometimes, I think he is very lucky that I didn't get violent with HIM!<BR>Carry on<BR>R

My h was the one who had the affair. I was the one who got beaten up over it. I had him arrested. He told me that I did that to get back him for having the affair. NO, I stoped payment on your bills that was getting back at you. I had you arrested for what you done to me.

SoDuped:<P>My D-Day was March6th...my H had an affair with a co-worker. It hurt like hell when he told me and I was VERY ANGRY. I would literally beat on his chest and cry and ask him HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US!!?????<P>It is normal to have anger....and my husband has had no contact with OW because he has decided to try to reconcile. You notice I use the word TRY....because I don't know what the next few months or days hold for us.<P>Every now and then my husband will see I'm having a bad day and he will just say GET IT OUT...you're angry about what I did. Beat on me if you want....sometimes I just take my fists and gently pound on his chest and ask him...HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???<P>Hang in there and get the anger out. This site really helps me deal with how I'm feeling. I have found that I need to walk for at least 30-45 m inutes a day...because I can think with noone bothering me and the little exercise helps the stress part of it. Try doing little things for yourself.. I never use to give myself my own time but I'm being selfish NOW...after all ....he was very SELFISH to have an affair on me...so give yourself the TIME YOU WANT!!!!<P>I've been married for 17 years and have two daughters...a 14 year old and a first grader. It's hard to hide my emotions from them...they don't know what's going on... I think they think their mother has gone off the deep end. WE're trying to shelter them from the hurt..... I'm not sure if it's right or wrong.<P>Get your anger out.......but be SAFE!!! <BR>Do you have any kids???? I find my patience level with<BR>my kids is almost non-existent these days...anyone else<BR>feel that way????<P><BR>Shocker17

Shocker...<P>Wow!, you really got to me with your story. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to walk up to him and just pound on his chest. I often fight the urge to just scream WHY at the top of my lungs...HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US???<P>I always stop myself, and just tell him I need him to back off for a while - I guess I'm afraid if I start, I won't be able to stop. <BR>CERTAINLY don't need a repeat performance of last time.<P>Yes, we do have kids...two boys...1 & 3.<BR>I've also had a terribly hard time keeping my patience with them. I catch myself being way too hard on our oldest...expecting too much, and making issues where there don't need to be any.<BR>I used to be so good at 'negociating' with him, but lately it seems I lose everytime.<BR>My husband has had to step in and take over a fair bit lately...the kids deserve better than Sybil for a mother.<P>I try to spend a little quality time with them everyday...I'm just careful it isn't when something else is supposed to be happening...that way I don't set myself up for getting angry. The last hour before bedtime is usually good - only thing going on is snacks...not much to fight about there.<P>Take care of yourself...and thanks for sharing your story. It's a relief to know I'm not the only one struggling with this.

-<p>[This message has been edited by Dichotomy (edited April 18, 2001).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by SoDuped (edited April 18, 2001).]