This is my first time using this forum. I have been married for 22 years. My H is a very charming, friendly man, especially with women. Over the years I have learned to accept these friendships for what they were. Although it never was really comfortable, I put my own feelings of insecurity aside. <BR> A year ago my husband and I went through a rough period of time. He was not meeting 6 of my emotional needs and his personality had changed. He was constantly going to motorcycle rallies with his friends and leaving me behind. We worked our problems out to a degree and I conceeded as I usually did to that's the way things are.<BR> Eight weeks ago I had major surgery. Two days after coming home I called my husband's cell phone. He was unaware that I knew his passcode. A woman had left a message telling him hi babe, love you, I didn't reach you, it's 12:00 AM love you. I called him asking what this was about. He didn't come in for another two hours, he's self employed and has his own hours. When he did come home he at first denied having a message. When I told him I had listened to it 6 times, He did have a message he told me we needed to talk. Incidently, he erased her message, I tried calling and listening to it again about 20 minutes after I had first heard it. Apparantly when he heard it he called her and said ** was fixing to hit the fan. Awfully considerate of him to prewarn her. Incidently she lives 180 miles away from our home.<BR> To make a long story short, he said he had met someone whom he could talk to, our conversation was not exciting anymore. Can you imagine that, after 22 years you do have a tendancy to have talked and I guess new conversation is not there. <BR> He told me he had met her the month before and that he had only been intimate 4 times. I cried, screamed and thought my world had fallen apart. He swore he loved only me When I asked him what he was going to do about her he said that he would let her know it was over, that she'd have to go on with her life. I had asked him if he ever told her he loved her. He said no, big Lie. I immediately dug out cell phone bills and found where he had contact with her four months previous. <BR> He was calling her each day saying that he and I were getting a divorce and that I was moving away with the kids. I had not said anything to that sort. It all blew finally when one evening I told him I wanted to confront her on the phone because he had said all along that he had lied to the both of us. Apparantly, he had told her we were separated and he loved but was not in love with me. When I informed her that we had never been separated she was furious with him.<BR> He had a CD of hers that she had lent him and told me that he needed to get it back to her. I didn't say anything, I assumed he would mail it, after all he had mailed her $400.00 to help her pay her phone bill. They spoke to each other daily for four months. Well, he didn;t mail it he made a 360 mile trip to return a CD. Yeah, right. I did find out that he went to her looking like a whipped pup and when she said you need to go home to your wife and family he told her he didn't have a wife or family and that when he got his life straightened out maybe they could work it out. She was outraged over his lies (and I must say the lies he told her were NOTHING compared to the ones I got)and she told him goodbye. He tried calling her again from his cell phone on the way home and she wouldn't take his calls.<BR> I gave him a list of conditions, things I wanted changed in my marriage if it was to ever work again. To begin, he could no longer take off to find himself. He would leave at least 3 weekends a month, supposedly to ski. I trusted him, I wasn't crazy about it, but stupid me I believed in him so much. <BR> Anyway, one of the conditions was to not go back there. He retaliated saying he had it in his heart to ski one more time this season and as long as he went with his buddies it would be ok. I didn't agree. Well he had to make a trip that would bring him back through this area. When he left I discovered that condoms (given to him by the health office, I made him test for STD) were missing. When he returned I found a bottle of flavored KY in his night bag. He insists that he accidently grabbed the condoms when he grabbed his cigs and put them in his pocket.<BR> He didn't stop to ski because his friend never made it to the slopes. He came back with the same number of condoms but I know deep inside what his intentions were. This is after he tells me he wants it to work between us etc.<BR> A week after finding out about his A, he left town to go get his STD tests, I later learned that he stayed with a female friend, nothing happened, so they say. I had no idea he and she were this close. <BR> I had surgery in a city two hours away. I later learned that my husband and the OW had made plans for her to stay with him in the Motel at night while I was in the hospital. He swears it was her idea and he told her no. This sounds really bad doesn't it. He is really trying to make things work. There is a lot of financial security along with homes and business at risk here. I do not know what to think of him. I have a friend who says stay and one who says divorce. My counselor says it looks bad, because my husband is not real hip on change. Of course, he had it made why want change. Any suggestions, am I just sickenly weak. This is according to him, the first and only affair. As I said though, he's always had female friends. Now, a new one has popped up and she's E mailing him. Help

Hi, K9love,<BR>Wow...your letter could have been written by me, if we just change a few of the details around. First of all, I am so, so sorry for your pain. I just found out, too, about 4 months ago that my H's attentions were elsewhere. I know what you are feeling like at this time because I'm there, too. We never knew such pain existed, huh? My whole world came crashing down around me when I found alove letter from the OW to him back in November, two days before Thanksgiving. Now, believe it or not...he DENIED ever having seen this letter and denied any conncetion with this woman whatsoever! Worse, we had Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house and the OW was there, too, with her H (we are a group of friends). I couldn't eat a bite, and watched both of their behaviors very, very closely. They carried it off expertly, cleverly avoiding each other the entire time. However, the dead give-away was when we first entered the dining room and "she" was there, already seated. Like a jackrabbit, she jumped up and left the room, looking back over her shoulder. I know now that she had a moment of intense fear, wondering if I were going to blow the whole thing wide open. Of course, I didn't and now I am kicking myself for not doing it. I was being considerate of our host and hostess' feelings. (what would you have done? just curious)<P>Anyway, like you, I, too, had to have surgery. I thought my darling H was behind me 100%; what I didn't realize was that he was behind me quietly sneaking around via phone, email and even traveling down the 180 miles to the city where our friends live (and her, too). All this was very legal, very within our scope of things and believe it or not, we have even moved to this city! Now I am asking myself, "did we really move for the better-paying job he found, or did we move here to be near his _____"(sorry...can't put the word here on the board. Catholic upbringing and all that). <P>K9, just hang in there. I am not an expert in this by any means, but am walking the same walk as you: long time married, trusting in mate 10000%, been deceived and STILL being deceived and so on. The first two or three months were the worst, even affecting my physical health. I had no way to get to a counselor, but if I did, I would have gone. I started to research the Internet and finally happened upon this wonderful site and did a TON of reading. It has helped to save my sanity, let me tell you! What I've done is start making a life for myself MYself. That means, opening up my own bank account, joining a real life support group, and next week I am going to see my new lawyer (female, I hear they are the best for a woman) just to find out my rights. Like you, we have amassed several property holdings and just plain have a history together spanning many years. I need to take care of ME right now, and you should do the same. One thing I read in Dr Harley's writings here is that when a mate cheats, he/she does not have his spouse's best interest in mind. That was the BEST piece of advice I've read. <P>Here's an odd post script: my H sees that I am not crumbling like a discarded piece of tin foil. He sees a new woman who is becoming more independant by the day and it is starting to make him think. I think he's getting more than slightly rattled and is beginning to 'rethink' his situation. Once I stopped snivling and seeming to be the emotionally destroyed femme, he started to talk to me. I am going to find out all that I can find out to make sure I will be secure, and then if and when he admits to his indescretion, I'll make the choice if I want our marriage to continue or not. <P>Be strong, K9. It will take some time for those wounded feelings to subside a bit, and when that happens, you'll find you're better able to think and plan. Cry if you must, it's good for you, but don't cry too long. Life is too short to be wasted! Good luck and let's keep in touch via this board.<BR>Many hugs and a sympathetic shoulder,<BR>Windancer

I too could have written your story to a certain degree, the difference in my case is that my H of 11 years has had 2 PAs, several EAs and several online affairs, he is also addiicted to porn.<BR>My H started to tell me the truth 7 weeks ago, we started counseling and he swore he told me all the truth. I forgave, we had a wonderful 5 weeks and started to rebuild what we had. The future looked bright - we even decided to buy a house. A couple days ago all that changes, he tells me after alot of prying that there was more and he had lied to me. Now I am not sure I can rebuild my marriage.<P>In my experience - all people are different - my H continued to lie - he only told me what he did because I kept asking questions, I am still not sure I know it all. Some people say they never tell all the truth. In the past I settled for him the way he was not anymore - he will change or I will leave. I have friends who tell me I should leave - Ihave friends who say I won't find anyone better if I leave. They all can have their opinion BUT in the end it is I who has to decide what I will do. <BR>No one can tell you what is best for you, only you know that. Follow your heart and listen to your instincts. Thats what I plan to do for myself - I'm not settling anymore. Berne

Winddancer and May90<P> Thank you for your replies. I can't express in words how comforting it is to have someone who has also shared in the pain of infidelity to talk to. I was finding myself wanting to speak to people I knew about whether they had ever suffered the devastating hurt of an affair. But then again that would have alerted others to my problem. My husband is very adamant that we say as little to others as we can about this. This makes sense in many ways but at the same time we NEED to express ourselves, ask questions of others and learn that we are not alone on a raft in the middle of ***.<BR> I don't know what hurts worse, the thought of my husband in the arms of his lover or the knowledge that he cared and loved her enough to destroy my life and my marriage. He knew what he was doing each time he went to her. Yet, when he returned to me he acted so normal, loving and attentive. He keeps saying the A had nothing to do with me, that something inside of him snapped and he didn't want to be him anymore.<BR> There is of course a very strong desire on my part to keep my marriage intact, but I always thought it was so strong, so indestructible. My husband has always had difficulty dealing with the everyday stresses of life. What now, is he going to go off the deep end when things bog him down? <BR> I guess in many ways over the years I have been a jealous and insecure person, my god this revelation exceeds anything I could have possibly imagined. It used to bother me if he thought another woman was attractive, that's peanuts in the barrel now. It's not that I am unattractive, I can hold my own, I have a college education, I can support myself and very likely find someone to share my life with. I am so confused, sometimes I feel like I was his second choice, that really hurts.<BR> Winddancer, I would have probably done the same thing you did at that dinner, nothing. Why, because I think we all have a desire to know, but the terror of truth pushes us back. Also, you are smart enough to realize that neither one of them would have admitted anything and you would look like a woman who had just jumped off the deep end with no emotional support from anyone. I too look back and think, Why didn't I do this or that? <BR> I am starting slowly but surely to heal. I was off work for many weeks with this surgery. By the way think of what it would be like to deal with this issue and loose your ovaries at the same time. My emotional well being was definitely in the toilet for many weeks. I know my husband did not plan for me to discover this A two days after returning from the hospital, but still it does not make things easier. As I said he has moved next door and he is wanting to make things work. I feel he needs to be away from me in order for me to sort through and find who I am. Yes, I immediately went for counseling, As I said though. my counselor doesn't seem to have much hope for things working out, but then again he also told me that he advised clients not to disclose affairs in the past. I do not agree with him. I have come to the realization in life that nothing, absolutely nothing can hurt worse than an affair but lies and deceit run a close second.

k9 I found out in december about my wife of twenty four years having an three month affair with a man. I was the business person. So it is interesting and I am very sorry for your pain. As I am still living with the same. I understand. A few comments. My wife is a very sweet person outwardly. This thing crushed and broke me. In tears she swore to me that it was over. The same day she told me she called the OM. This went on for a while. for 3 weeks after here disclosure we talked 24/7. There seemed to be light at the end of the tunnel. Then one day pow. She left for two days Her friends rallied around her and attacked me financial and emotionally. I called it jeckl and hyde. Then suddenly another reversal. During the first 3 weeks she told me the A only lasted 2 weeks and 2 encounters. On pressing it turned to three weeks and three encounters. Then the phone records show 3 Months of contact. Now the Affair turned into 7 to 8 times. The depth of her lies were incrediable and she swore that they were always the truth. <BR> This from a person who is know by all in the community to be honest above all else. How is this possiable. I begin to think that the cheating spouse can't face their own actions and are lying as much for self preservation as much as to cover from you. I personally felt that it was critical to get the detail and truth on the table. After all if they can't be honest about the past how can you trust them for the future. Here it is four months latter and I still ask probing questions. If I find any more lies it will tell me that the future is bleak. Give him time to let the fog lift. Then decide do I press. I explained my reasons to my wife. Ultimately after many attemps she got it.<BR>Only you can decide what is best for you. Give it time don't rush. I consult with people on financial matters and often the best advice in crisis situations is do nothing for a year. I applied this to my situation. It may help you.<BR>Also be on guard.<BR>Hang in there. <p>[This message has been edited by Torpedoed (edited March 29, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Torpedoed:<BR><B>k9 I found out in december about my wife of twenty four years having an extented affair with a man. I was the business person. So it is interesting and I am very sorry for your pain. As I am still living with the same. I understand. A few comments. My wife is a very sweet person outwardly. This thing crushed and broke me. In tears she swore to me that it was over. The smae day she told me she called the OM. This went on for a while. for 3 weeks after here disclosure we talked 24/7. There seemed to be light at the end of the tunnel. Then one day pow. She left for two days Her friends rallied around her and attacked me financial and emotionally. I called it jeckl and hyde. Then suddenly another reversal. During the first 3 weeks she told me the A only lasted 2 weeks and 2 encounters. On pressing it turned to three weeks and three encounters. Then the phone records show 4 Months of contact. Now the Affair turned into 8 to 10 times. Then twenty. The depth of her lies were incrediable and she swore that they were always the truth. <BR> This from a person who is know by all in the community to be honest above all else. How is thisa possiable. I begin to think that the cheating spouse can't face their own actions and are lying as much for self preservation as much as to cover from you. I personally felt that it was critical to get the detail and truth on the table. After all if they can't be honest about the past how can you trust them for the future. Here it is four months latter and I still ask probing questions. If I find any more lies it will tell me that the future is bleak. Give him time to let the fog lift. Then decide do I press. I explained my reasons to my wife. Ultimately after many attemps she got it.<BR>Only you can decide what is best for you. Give it time don't rush. I consult with people on financial matters and often the best advice in crisis situations is do nothing for a year. I applied this to my situation. It may help you.<BR>Also be on guard.<BR>Hang in there. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Torpedoed:<P> Very sound advice. When I first learned of the affair there was such a feeling of fixing everything immediately. Whether fixing meant staying or divorcing. I don't know why that is so but it sure was my thought. It was as if something is terribly wrong and it necesitates immediate action. Fortunately, for me I was basically bedridden for the two weeks following disclosure. I had always been a healthy individual who bounced back from surgeries and injuries pretty quickly. The emotional stress took a toll on me and made recovery twice as long as it should have been. This is difficult because the people around me could not understand why I was having such a hard time. Well, Duh, I couldn't tell anyone what had happened except for two very close friends. It makes it very difficult. I can say that today, eight weeks after surgery and 7 weeks after disclosure I am starting to feel like I can live again. I can go back to work and focus on something besides self pity. Did your spouse's affair change you? I mean in the way you view yourself, your marriage and your life? It did to me. I can't even really explain what the change was but it is almost as if I have felt the absolute worse pain that can be felt and you can't ever hurt me like that again. I don't know, it's almost as if I'll never love like I did before I knew of the A. I built my life around another's needs and wants and now my life is for me. Hopefully that doesn't sound too selfish and hopefully there's enough inside to want to reach out and give again. I know it will never be as it was. He tells me this often, that it breaks his heart that I'll never love him like I used to. I don't disagree with him, he's very right. Thanks for your input. Does it seem even more devastating because of the amount of time you have invested in your marriage? It sure does to me.<BR>

************My husband is very adamant that we say as little to others as we can about this. This makes sense in many ways but at the same time we NEED to express ourselves, ask questions of others and learn that we are not alone on a raft in the middle of ***.<P><BR>Hi Again - my H is also very adamant about not telling people - I think it is because he doesn't want others to think anything less of him. To others he is a wonderful outstanding person - Only I know the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I chose to tell only those who can help me, if I chose to stay in the end I don't want everyone looking at me and wondering how in the world I could stay with him.<P>Just my thoughts for the day!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by may90:<BR><B>************My husband is very adamant that we say as little to others as we can about this. This makes sense in many ways but at the same time we NEED to express ourselves, ask questions of others and learn that we are not alone on a raft in the middle of ***.<P><BR>Hi Again - my H is also very adamant about not telling people - I think it is because he doesn't want others to think anything less of him. To others he is a wonderful outstanding person - Only I know the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I chose to tell only those who can help me, if I chose to stay in the end I don't want everyone looking at me and wondering how in the world I could stay with him.<P>Just my thoughts for the day! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>God is that not the truth, my husband first said he was going to leave town if it got out. Now that is one ## of a strong individual isn't it. Leave me all the responsibilities and everything else so HE doesn't have to loose face. Yes I agree with you, I don't want others thinking the same of me, I may want a pity party but I certainly don't want others throwing it for me. <BR> I have a question for you. As I stated my husband is very charming and has female friends. One of these friends was privy to the fact that he was having an affair. He told her about it 5 days before I found out. I was not even aware that he had this type of a friendship with her. As far as I knew he would run into her in town once in a while and they'd talk. Yeah, right. My problem: I don't think female friends are good for our relationship at this point. Two weeks ago another female has started calling and E mailing my H about a business venture he's involved in. She's been on the net and lets him know what she's learned. I informed my husband that I was sick and tired of these types of friendships, that I wanted total honesty, He said it wasn't his fault she contacts him, well I know he Emails her back so he's not doing anything to stop it. Today he had 9 new messages on E Mail, amazing he only deleted the one from her. I told him no more hiding things, he had to be straight up with me. Does it sound like it to you? Incidently, he didn't tell me he'd received mail from her, I found it and was waiting for him to talk to me. The A was bad enough, what is wrong with this man. He says he can't be rude when she calls because it's not his nature.

>> Did your spouse's affair change you? I mean in the way you view yourself, your marriage and your life? It did to me. I can't even really explain what the change was but it is almost as if I have felt the absolute worse pain that can be felt and you can't ever hurt me like that again.>><P>>> I don't know, it's almost as if I'll never love like I did before I knew of the A. I built my life around another's needs and wants and now my life is for me. Hopefully that doesn't sound too selfish and hopefully there's enough inside to want to reach out and give again. I know it will never be as it was. He tells me this often, that it breaks his heart that I'll never love him like I used to.>><P>HI, K:<BR>Yes, this EA or PA or whatever it is that he will not yet admit to has most certainly changed me in many ways. I used to be so trusting, so naive, really. He was my prince charming, my knight in shining armor, the reason I survived a deadly illness 6 years ago. I had complete and total faith in him and had no question whatsoever in my mind of his love and devotion to me. Then, I took a crash course in Reality 101, which began the day I found the abominable love letter from the OW to him. His sudden--and new--change in attitude towards me from the few preceding weeks became as clear as a bell. I am now DIStrustful, disenchanted and feel displaced. No longer "number one' in his life, I don't know quite where I do fit in, but I still am married to him in the eyes of God and the law. I feel as if my heart is a hard, cold stone right now. Devoid of warm feelings, it beats inside me with a new rhythm: don't be fooled again...don't be naive anymore....<P>Like you, I, too, built my life around my H. Many of the things I wanted to do or would liked to have done fell by the wayside as I catered to his wishes, desires and needs. All that time, I patted myself on the back thinking, "Good wife! Such a good and caring wife! No one will take care of him as good as I." But inside, I died a little more each day. Somewhere along the way, I lost the real 'me.' I became this creature who lived to pamper him, cater to him, coddle him and just plain live for him. Then, I committed the unpardonable sin: I got ill. Very ill, nearly losing my life to a very deadly bacteria. I haven't been well since, although I have done wonders, I think, and have not sat back on my haunches and watched the world go by. Always the "soldier", I came thru my illness and although crippled today, I can hold my own. The pressures of my illness finally caught up with him, I believe, and he just snapped. I'm not excusing him, but this seems to be the reason. Perhaps you see something familiar here, K? For your sake, I hope not. I am so sorry for your pain and worry, and truly do hope that you and he can work things out. As for me, I am taking things one day at a time (and sometimes, one moment at a time), and more or less just being quiet and observing. This seems to do more to rattle him than if I confront him, but I can't really do much more until he admits his EA or whatever. Good luck and please, keep on posting here!<BR>Hugs and love,<BR>Windancer<P>

k9 Did my wifes A change me. Day and night. I think that I still love her but I am not in love with her. How could I be after what she has done the endless lies. The attemps to hurt and damage me and her children. She may say that she had no intent to hurt, but I believe deep within there was malice. I can never look at her or anyone quiet the same again. I have processed a legal separtaion to protect my assets. She has signed it. That shows me something as to her future intent, but always I am reading between the lines. It like a chess game. I would end it and move on except I must say to myself. It wpould only be the same with anyone else. I am 47 I have been married to my wife 24yrs. More than half of my life and almost all of my adult life.and I did not know this person. Howe can that be> do you feel like a flaming fool . I do. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. No I WILL NEVER TRUST THE SAME WAY AGAIN. Also I have givin this marraige all that I could give. Now I am being asked by advice from councilors give it more. Try harder. I want to but there is little left of me to share. I find much of the advice including the harleys to say we the betrayed spouse must make the effort to satify the betrayer. Does this strike you odd?<BR>Yes I have changed night and day. The strong positive do anything for my family is gone. I am just sitting here watching the world go by. Ther is an old saying that there are three types of people in the world. Those that make thing happen, those that watch things happen and those that dont know what the hell is happening. I used to make things happen. I am now more in catagory two or three.<BR>

Torpedoed - I agree with you concerning the effort required on the betrayed spouses part. I told my H that I spend 7 weeks working harder and harder not only in trying to meet his needs but also in dealing with all the triggers and emotions that I expereinced as a result of his affairs while he sat back and enjoyed the extra attention and continued to lie to me. Well after the recent revelations I have decided I did my fair share and if he wants to save this marriage then he will do the work to fix it. I have no fight left in me. He is working desperately to prove to me that he loves me and that he can change. i know that he does not want to lose me or the kids but I am not convinced that he will carry through with all the promises he is making in order to make it back into the house. He has moved out as per my request and is reading desperately on this site to find out what he should do, but I am so certain that as soon as I let him back it will be all over and he will be the same old person.<P>Torpedoed - I am so sorry for all your pain, keep posting and together with all the other people here we will get through it together!!!!!!!!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by may90:<BR><B>Torpedoed - I agree with you concerning the effort required on the betrayed spouses part. I told my H that I spend 7 weeks working harder and harder not only in trying to meet his needs but also in dealing with all the triggers and emotions that I expereinced as a result of his affairs while he sat back and enjoyed the extra attention and continued to lie to me. Well after the recent revelations I have decided I did my fair share and if he wants to save this marriage then he will do the work to fix it. I have no fight left in me. He is working desperately to prove to me that he loves me and that he can change. i know that he does not want to lose me or the kids but I am not convinced that he will carry through with all the promises he is making in order to make it back into the house. He has moved out as per my request and is reading desperately on this site to find out what he should do, but I am so certain that as soon as I let him back it will be all over and he will be the same old person.<P>Torpedoed - I am so sorry for all your pain, keep posting and together with all the other people here we will get through it together!!!!!!!!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>May90 and Torpedoed:<BR> <BR>You share my sentiments exactly! I too had my husband move out of the house. I just could not see life going on as usual when in my eyes everything died. I too am scared to death of letting him move back in. He too has said he would try to change, not direct promises, mind you but "try". I was marrited for 22 years, I am now 40 years old and torpedoed I feel that what is out there isn't going to be any better. But yet, look at us, we weren't unfaithful so maybe there is hope to find another of our species, a very special one if I may say so myself. Yes, Torpedoed, I agree with you, I love my husband too, but yet I do not think I am "In Love" with him. Ironic these are the words he told his lover. In many ways he is now living all of his lies. If I do nothing I will make an honest man out of him. He told his lover we were separated, Bingo, now he is. He told his lover he loved but wasn't in love Bingo now I am. He bought me something for Xmas that was so special, it was made by a renowned artist, two medicine bags, beautiful, I fell in love with the woman's work years ago. He also bought one for his Lover and told her that the other two, (she'd seen all three of them) were for his mother. Bingo, I have sent them on their merry little way, Hope his mom enjoys them. Tsk, can you tell that dishonesty is something abhor, I think that's how it's spelled. Anyway, May 90 and Torpedoed thank you both for sharing your stories and thank you for listening to mine. This forum has done me more good than anything else I've done such as reading every book I can on infidelity, counseling, and talking to friends who've never experienced the hell of an affair. YOU have been there, YOU know how it feels, yes torpedoed I agree I feel like I am on this planet without any idea of what the ### I'm doing. I too was a strong, secure go getter. I will get that back as you will too. You know if we really think about it, the best way to let our spouses know that life goes on with or without them is to show them that WE are strong, WE like ourselves and WE will do what it takes to become happy productive people.

I too found out just a few weeks ago. Mine is a very different tale. I won't get into detail. I have chosen to stay. At first for the kids, then out of faith in God, but now for me. The truth is that you find the answer in your heart. I have chosen to act out of love. My wife is a lot like Torpedoed's wife, but I feel she has been more open after the affair. It's strange but a cheating spouse is a mixture of a guilty person and an injured person. Christian counseling is our only hope. We are learning about each other. My wife has never known me and she is not the person I thought I knew. I look forward to knowing her if she will let me. I am now trying to give up resentment.<P>God bless

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Invictus:<BR><B>I too found out just a few weeks ago. Mine is a very different tale. I won't get into detail. I have chosen to stay. At first for the kids, then out of faith in God, but now for me. The truth is that you find the answer in your heart. I have chosen to act out of love. My wife is a lot like Torpedoed's wife, but I feel she has been more open after the affair. It's strange but a cheating spouse is a mixture of a guilty person and an injured person. Christian counseling is our only hope. We are learning about each other. My wife has never known me and she is not the person I thought I knew. I look forward to knowing her if she will let me. I am now trying to give up resentment.<P>God bless</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Invictus,<BR>Your letter has really touched my heart. It echoes in part what I feel, too, as I am learning things about my H that I never knew, also. I want our marriage to succeed because I love him so deeply and know that he is a good and worthy person. Sure, if he transgressed, perhaps it's because he is only human and not the 'superman' I always held him to be. Perhaps I should have been gentler in considering his feelings sometimes, but whatever the reason, I know that I love him enough to try and get to know him all over again. <P>God bless you and your W. He is a loving and merciful God and really does hear our prayers. Not a day goes by that I don't thank Him for my blessings, and this is something new I learned, too.<P>Hugs to you both...<BR>Winny<BR>

It is constant from my wife why can't we just forget the past and what has happened, then why not go back to the way things were. Is there a pardox here? My wife started crying one night just before she told me or should I say I squeezed out of her. We had a chinese dinner with the family and she opened her fortune cookie it read" Burnt Bridges are difficult to cross" Tell me some one did'nt place that one in there. My wife burnt the bridge and now she wants it back the way it was but in order to do that I have to rebuild it. That is the most difficult thing for me. You destroyed it now I Have to fix it. The questions are obvious. Is it worth it? Am I fool to try? can it last? and on and on. imagine building a bridge and having someone follow behind you and dismantle what you built. That in large part is how my life feels. Then the person who has been tearing everything down. Asks why did you stop building. You anwser because you tore it down. They say I will change. Does anyone else feel like a donkey here.<BR>You build it if you want they bridge. Is how I feel. Trust is so hard to recover. There is a big world out there why bother is the overriding question. Often I feel like an alcholic. I know the bottle is bad but one more drink will make me feel better. That was the crux of my question"Can someone change after so long" Am I addicted or what?<p>[This message has been edited by Torpedoed (edited March 29, 2001).]

Torpedoed:<P>There is indeed a paradox. My situation is so similar. I told my husband that I was visiting this forum. He tried to tell me that it was making things worse for us, that others didn't have what we had. My god, what did we have. What do we have? A relationship void of trust and honesty. He too wants it to be the way it was. Why? The way it was allowed this to happen. The way it was stunk. I wasn't happy, he was. In fact his life was going just pretty darn good. His, let's forget and put this behind us cannot work for me. I know eventually it has to be put behind me in order for me to heal. I was going over the phone bill late last night and the anger, hatred and bitterness all resurfaced. He did me so wrong. On Christmas day he barely spoke to me, we had company, his kids, from out of town. The bill showed where he spoke to her twice on Christmas day. Both times were for over an hour. This hurts. On the day of my surgery, when I was in the operating room he called her and spoke for 20 minutes. This hurts deeper than I can explain. To him it was a mistake, a big one. To me it was more, are these little details important? In my heart they show his character, to me it shows no regard for me. No, he is right, our situation is different from ohers, I wonder if it's not worse as far as the overall picture.

k9 I read your last response and the hair on the back on neck stands up. My wife confessed on dec. 15. I had for the first time in 30 years my entire family from around the world with me 12 in all. Everyone was devastated. Thankgiving day the phone bill shows that between cooking the bird she was calling him from the kithen to make sure he was not to lonely. I was home. She said I never took her on my business trip. I had one schuduled for nov in florida and I invited her in oct. Little did I know, she found continued reasons to avoid the trip. I know know thAT SHE SPENT her time, left my kids home alone to be with him. Brought him into the house. It makes my skin crawl. Yes we must get by it, I explode when I think about it. The other night my wife said that every time she was with him she reallly wanted to be with me. Can you stand it. I guess it just takes time. More and more I am about to call it quits, I am just afaid that I may make a big mistake. Then again if this could happen after all of this time and history most of it very good between us is it a mistake to give it another chance. There is the paradox.<BR>hang in there<p>[This message has been edited by Torpedoed (edited March 29, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by k9love:<BR>[B]Torpedoed:<P>Hi, K and Torpeoded:<BR>Wow...count me in this "Not so happy holidays" bunch. This past Christmas, our first in our new home, I was left alone from 5:00 PM until 11:00 pm while H went to our friends' house for "just an hour or two." Of course, the OW was also there, with her H and I can only imagine what a jolly time it really wasn't for all of them. Good, because I was at home crying my eyes out. Why didn't I go? Because I knew she was going to be there and I just couldn't do another holiday pretending to be OK when I knew things were anything but ok. <P>Since then, I have made my feelings known to my H and whether or not he likes it, at least he knows how I feel and how much his actions hurt me. <P>By the way...things are taking a turn around here in my home. Why this is, I'm not exactly sure, and maybe it's too soon to hope, but at least I am enjoying some calm. Perhaps I have been wrong in assuming he had an A? Only time will tell and for the meantime I am quietly observing.<P>Torpedoed, your letter was so sad and I feel so bad for you. I know pretty much how you must feel and just want to say that sometimes love can win out in the end. If she still loves you and it's obvious you still love her, then I think it is more than possible to forgive and move on. Hey..it's worth a try, don't you think? I mean, divorce is so ugly and so final. If something might be saved, then I think it's worth a shot to try and save it. Good luck..keep us posted!<P>Hugs..<BR>Winny