=<p>[This message has been edited by GraceLeigh (edited June 01, 2001).]

Sorry for your pain. I too found out about my H's A from looking up stuff on the computer. He had a secret email account that I managed to break into. It's great that you are going to counselling. One of the things that I did was set some ground rules for continuing the M. I'm still not totally committed to it, I'm giving it a year to see if we can change and make a better M. Some days it seems possible, others, like today, I think it's hopeless. Anyways, the ground rules include being on the computer a lot less. He actually offered this one without my asking. We are looking into getting an internet blocking service. I think it might also lock us out of newsgroups, so since I come to MB, I haven't enforced that one yet. I know the pain that you are going through and it's the worst thing that I have ever been through (and I'm previously divorced). I'm finding it much harder to stay in the M than it would have been to D like I did last time (although there wasn't an A in my last marriage).<P>Take care of yourself, don't make any major decisions until you get your emotions under control.<P>I wish the internet had never been invented.

Thank you for the kind words, I am amazed at how painful this has been. Such a surprise, that it can be THIS devastating. I was a lot worse a couple of weeks ago, don't let my upbeat tone fool you - still have my bad moments (last one was 15 minutes ago).<P>Today our therapist steered us/him toward exploring the possibility or degree that his immersion in his character in the internet role playing game may have influenced him. Very interesting thing to think about, I think he is mulling that. Pretty insidious, too. After thinking of it that way, we both may come to the conclusion that the game must not continue, even without her. This is a very big time, energy, etc. investment for him over a period of at least a year - so a tough thing to let go of - he has essentially built a character to a certain "level". But we are both having to go through changes and a lot of soul searching. As of now the game is suspended until we both can agree on something and he is very supportive of that.<P>And another good reason to get professional counseling, neither of us had thought of that at all and it may turn out to be a real important issue.<P>The latest *bleah* on this thing - I am connecting the dots in my mind and remembering that he changed his character's last name awhile back. I am not into this, but I did notice it was different on his sign-in screen one day (I did try to make pleasant conversation and take a little passing interest). Well anyway, the change was due to the "marriage", this just hit me tonight - they mutually decided on a new last name to share. Mentioned that to him too (he confirmed) but what can he say, this was back in January. Before the meeting, just as things were really getting going, probably really contributed to the whole thing. I'm pretty sure SHE asked HIM - as the way I knew about it was she was trumpeting it all over the bulletin boards, inviting everyone to attend online (ugh). But is this not the most offensive thing? I think somewhere deep inside I've kept a scoresheet between her and I - she had him for 2 months, I had and still have him for 12 years; she got sex twice, I got it a lot more, had babies, etc.; and I had the MARRIAGE. Ick, ick - even them doing it "for pretend" is so gross.<P>I'll post back if I get crazy again or if anything new happens. Comments, encouragement welcome.<P>GraceLeigh<P>P.S. If anyone is interested, this game is called Everquest, also referred to as "Evercrack" because of its notoriously addictive quality. Seriously, beware of it. It has all the ingredients to get people into this kind of trouble if they are in to fantasy role playing games. I've been around the message boards quite a bit and just feel a lot of sympathy that many of these people have so little in their lives - I don't mean contempt, I really feel sorry for some of them because they are just not living real lives.

It does seem like you are doing pretty good for a Feb 26 D day. Mine was mid Jan. I don't know the exact date and based on how people dread the 1 year anniversary, I'm not going to bother looking it up. I do know the dates that my H saw the OW. It will be interesting to see how I react to those dates in the future. <P>I still have bad days, very bad days, but for the most part (85%) I'm pretty stable now. I think I'm in a mild depression though and making sure I get exercise to keep my spirits up.<P>One word of advice that I would have for you is not to back down on issues you feel are important. What I mean is that if you don't want your H to play the game anymore, then stick to that decision. I don't know if all situations are like mine but as time goes on it seems that my H wants to fall back into same old patterns. I keep enforcing that we don't. He's good about it but I'm scared that I'll lose my strength to enforce what I think is important. I have insisted on getting an internet blocker which will help prevent this in the future and also be good for our son who also wants access to the internet. This might be a good idea for you. If you want to consider it you may want to look up a post that I put in the recovery forum about internet blockers.<P>My H also did very awful things (he actually posted an ad looking for someone!). I could dwell on how terrible each detail was but I lump it all together as one big terrible thing and try not to dwell on all the details. that's on my good days.