I am in a quandry. Well that doesn't explain it. I will try to be brief. Professorg please listen.<P>I was raised in a very bizarre and abusive and neglect full home. I came out of it very well considering. I essentially have never had a father because he was emotionally absent except for anger and exploitation. He was the most clever psychologically maniplutive person I have ever known. He died in 1990. My mom has had a few nervous breakdowns and she has never been stable, she has never recovered. It is my FIRM belief that she has struggled with mental illness her whole life. She has been very manipulative my whole life and sometimes abusive verbally physically and a little sexually. I am well educated and very psychologically aware. I love God. I survived and rose above it.<P>My wife was sexually abused since the age of ??? When her Father was caught and briefly jailed, no one really cared about more than thier own embarrasment. My wife was treated like meat. This young girl was forced to be around him after. She got maybe 4 counseling sessions. She began to involve other little kids and eventually became very promiscuous. She has never stopped for long.<P>I met a young girl (17) when I too was young (22) and SHE decided WE would have a baby. She was emotionally injured and hurting I learned. We lived together 4 years raising our son. It wasn't peachy, but I loved her and we were a decent family. My sister was killed and my niece needed a home. I insisted that she come live with us. There was nowhere else. My niece has been very difficult, but she too is doing OK after 5 years. My wife had problems all along. She alone bore them and hid them from me. Most of her prob was fooling around on me. I was very foolish, but she would not tolerate anything less than total trust and freedom. I complied for years. My wife blew money. Over the last 9+ years the figure approaches $70-100,000. I have been semi successful in work. We now owe about $50,000 w/ cars. We have paid off almost all debt twice. It just built up again. This has been a stone between us. We have moved 4 times since early 1998. Jobs and foolishness were the reasons. I could never figure out why I always wanted to run, but run I did. The moving has made my family suffer. My wife holds this against me at times. After we made a lot of money by selling our first house my wife promised to stop spending and going out to the bar with the girls so much. She did not. I decided not to consider her feelings any more. May 98' Things got worse than ever. She began to stay out later and later. She went out on weekends and weekdays. She ...began to stay out all night and sometimes not come home. It hurts my heart to write that, because I knew right then... She is a very beautiful woman. Like a Super Model no lie. She is high maintenance. She needs others to support her ego. It was hard. I even fantasized about her cheating so that I could take the kids and leave. I begged her to stay home, my son's got old enough to beg too. When she wasn't at the bar, she had other excuses to be gone. She would take the kids with her and at times I was alone. I was alone. Since 98' we have moved 3 more times. I feel we were running from our problems. The children are good. I have tried very hard to be there for them. My wife is a confused person. I always felt the day would come when she "found herself" and left me. Probably w/ the bills and no kids. I was in hell. My niece felt the pressure and so did I, kids too I guess. I got abusive and controlling sometimes. That has stopped. It took the form of too much discipline and being angry. My wife and i have verbally abused each other for years. She has always made Selfish Demands, I Disrespectful Judgements, and both Angry Outburst's. My wife has been convicted of shoplifting and numerous speeding tickets. These from the pressure of two lives. She is strong as a selfish individual. I am purposefully weak. I make myself weak to control my temper and submit to being a servant of others as God intended. I've gotten that wrong I think. <-------HELP HELP HELP HELP My wife has walked on me. She had good money(not enough) Freedom her friends were jealous of(she would brag) An affectionate Husband(I love hugs) Good kids. Nice House(Early 98) <P>Heres the truth:<BR>She had many boyfriends when we met. I thought stupidly that she gave them all up for me. (Insert pastoral theme music and tweeting birdies and floating butterflies) What a bunch of ****!!!!!! I am a romantic fool, so duped. She never quit. She got knocked up right away. My fault, she lied, no pill. I became responsible. She cheated for a few years. When we started talking marriage or when I popped the question she got a conscience and stopped fooling around.<P>Marriage was bliss for little while.<P>When she got sick of me, she cheated again. When the "honeymoon" period was over she started again. She got serious this time with an old man. He is late 40's. She had feelings for him. This is probably because he was a father figure. I feel he was and is a pedofile. He smooth talked her in her time of vulnerability. He gave her money and motorcycle rides and candlelit dinners. If he were young she would still be with him. She had other younger and older men. In our house, hotels, apartments. She really began to go overboard. All her "friends" knew. Some may have cheated too. Last summer she finally hated me enough or felt guilty enough to really think about leaving. This is too bizarre to think about. I was not caring for her. She has not cared for me. Sex subsided, but not enough to alarm me except for a short while. Sex actually improved. I got better at sex. I tried to love her still, but I went through prolonged periods of resentment. She tied me down with kid duty. She got really really bad. So did I. My niece acted out like Tammy last Fall with some high school kid. No sex we think. Things got tenser with my niece. I got out of control. I could no longer control my anger. My niece got smart and knew something was wrong. She left for Grandmas. She relented at my wifes influence. Didn't want to leave, but I told my niece it might be better if she moved out for a while. She did, and she is doing OK. She misses our boys who she cared for a lot. We knew we had been too hard on my niece and asked too much of her. She is a wonderful girl. We love her very much. She is a teenager and difficult. My wife had men, but has confessed that it many times has disgusted her during the act. <--- HELP FROM A CHEATING SPOUSE PLEASE. Has a cheater ever felt this way? My wife took on a new lover in the end of last year. She saw him 3 times, but felt she could be close to him in a loving way. We went on our long awaited honeymoon to Jamaica 2/3/01. She saw him almost the day she got back. 2/10/01 i was checking her cell phone bill. She called her boyfriends compulsively. That's how I noticed. I really trusted her, but had this itch in my brain. She called him at 8:38, 8:37, 8:42, 8:43, 8:47... 10-15 calls at a time. And more throughout the day. I called one and got Voice mail of a man. I knew. Why call that much unless you really want someone??? I decided right there to make it work if i could. I surprised myself. I woke her. She slept with my son because she didn't come to my bed to sleep much any more. This sleeping arrangement was another thing I complained about, unheeded. She acted dumb, I pressed, she said he was a close friend, I showed anger, she admitted dating, I told her I knew and she had one shot to save our marriage. I asked, she said yes. I asked details about how it was performed she gave some answers, but wouldn't answer all my Q's. We went through pain. I could not hold myself erect. I felt the Hand of God support me physically. I don't cry. I cried a little when my dad died I cried a little more when my sister died. I cried like an awful wind. I was ripped in two. I was cleved as if a broad sword from hell reached from the grave to split me from my soul. I felt no anger. No shame. Pure intense parsing pain. I brought my boys in and showed my wife. I said: "this is who you have done this too!" She said, in a sarcastic tone: "thanks, thanks for doing that!"<BR>Was I wrong in showing her our boy's??? I ordered her to do what I said for the next few days. She told me there had been a few others, before and after marriage. She would never give me names numbers etc. She gave up her cell phone after calling her boyfriends to cut it off. Her best friend spilled some more beans on her. She said it was never with anyone I knew, lie, she said it was never in the house, lie. She had slept with her boss who was also a friend of sorts. We had hung out. He had helped remodel the house we lived in back in 98. They were probably sleeping together, and he gave me a great deal. I feel like a pimp who didn't know. I called her boss who she had cheated with and told him she was quiting. She fought me and worked for him for a few/days weeks more. She got a new job with her bosses cabinet maker a couple weeks ago. She saw him once while coming into work once since. She claims to dislike him very much I think i believe her.<P>She has a bisexual friend who she ran around with. She claims the her friend was discouraging her cheating & saying how good I was, but she still kept her secrets and one time she even suggested that she might want to be with my wife more than any one she has ever seen. I told my wife I didn't like her friend and I viewed her as a threat. My wife still calls her rarely. She resents me for this, but it was her choice to not hang out with her bi friend of 10 years. I never knew she was bi until recently. My wife even tried to deny it, but her best friend told me the truth. Her best friend does care for my wife.<P>I think she has cut herself off from her former lovers, but she resents me now!!!<P>I think she is done with withdrawal, but she is very angry with me when I continue to check up on her. We have trust issues that go way back. I have been controlling in the past. How do I know if she has cut off her lovers completely? I have to risk it. She will not take what the book says seriously. I think she doesn't trust me enough to ever submit to these kinds of extreme precautions. She does not want me to act like anything is wrong. She cannot accept my feelings of guilt fear paranoia etc.<P>We have had a couple golden weeks about a week ago, but now for the last week we have entered a second low. HELP HELP HELP<P>I am dealing with my resentment even already. It's easier because she is injured emotionally.<P>Love Busters are ever present. I am working on mine. I guess control may be my biggest.<P>I am trying very hard to meet her biggest needs, Affection and freedom. She can't tell me what she needs, because she is confused. She has hated me for a little while at least, but she never told her counselor that and she sure never told me.<P>She used to tell me every where she went, but now she feels it's been long enough and i should just quit checking up on her. <P>I have been checking her calls from home and she found out and now she is mad. I don't know what to do. This whole phone thing just happened now.<P>Yesterday she started a fight about getting a computer and the internet. I objected and she accused me of being dishonest and that she would never have an internet affair.<BR>She has worked it so that we could get a free computer and I told her I didn't want to have internet hookup. She finally relented and said it wouldn't matter anyway.<P>She fights me on everything. I never tell her what to do. It's more like begging her to do the right thing. It's like I'm her conscience and she hates me for it. I am trying very hard to not be judgemental. Somethings I have to be firm on. I don't want her to see some people like he bi friend, I want my kids in church, I don't want my wife to steal. I don't want her to go to the bars any more without me.<P>I guess i wasn't brief. Help

I read your post with astonishment and am amazed that you have stayed married to this dysfunctional woman. I would recommend that you get therapy to help you escape from this melodrama.

You are not dealing with a normal affair here, or even a souple of "normal" affairs. You are dealing with someone who has, thru her hellish childhood, developed a sexual addiction. "Normal" methods of workign thru an affair are unlikely to make any long-term difference, at least from what I have read. <P>Pls look into resources and info on sexual addiction..i fact someone posted a link not long ago, I'll pop back in if I find it.<P>Good luck!<P>Kathi

I totally agree with Max. I suppose that you are lucky that you have not caught a sexually transmitted disease yet. I believe that any normal man would have left this marriage a long time ago. I agree that you need therapy very much to understand your lack of self-esteem and your willingness to be humiliated and disrespected by this woman over and over again.

The link was <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com" TARGET=_blank>www.sexaddict.com</A> <P>Also look for books by Patrick Carnes, who is a leader in the field of treating sexual addiction. And, yes, the partner of a sexual addict ususally does have some "issues" that keep him/her in the relationship...I beleive it is common for both partners to participate in therapy.

There is more to life than love<P>and more to love than life<P>life begins with love<P>and love sustains a life.<P>But love exists within it self, the self supporting same.<P>My life is love, as much as love of life, is not.<P>Copyright, 2001<P>I have many issues. That can easily be read in previous post's. One thing I have learned from a long life of tragedy is to pick out the good from all grain. What is left after you are done, is for the burning after harvest.<P>Max and Bryanp, thank you, for your honesty. To set your minds at ease, I am in counseling for myself and my marriage. I am a fool. I know this. My counselors are amazed that I am not a mess. They applaud my acheivements. This is a typical reaction that almost everyone has when they hear my story. Frankly I don't accept this praise with much surprise. I will escape the melodrama with the help of God.<P>Kam,<P>Thank you for your generous charity. I will seek out the website, but true, traditional infidelity fixes haven't worked. This is a custom job. That is the reason I need anectdotal input from people experienced with this sort of thing.<P>God's will be done. Grace of the Lord to all His people.

Hints of my situation jump out in your story. However it seems you wife is out of control. I also wrestle with what to do. Stau leave, get help. From the sound sof ewhat you write for the sake of your own life and your children. I would be looking to get out. If you feel overwelhming needs to be with your wife. You should seek council to help you break what well may be your own addition to her. Her act sound beyond tolereance to me. Certainly Try to protect your self from debt and remove her credit from her. Protect yourself and your kids first. She needs to admitt her problem and needs serious help.<BR>Be strong

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Torpedoed:<BR><B>Hints of my situation jump out in your story. However it seems you wife is out of control. I also wrestle with what to do. Stau leave, get help. From the sound sof ewhat you write for the sake of your own life and your children.<BR>Be strong </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It is very funny, but I feel liberated. Do you ever feel that way? This isn't my primary emotion but more of a long term allegory to emotion and motivation. I decided to stay. My faith allows one shot at leaving. My Lutheran faith based counselors, remind me of that, and I agree. Of course I know that I can leave anytime, and only God will judge me.<P>I am staying unless she decides to go back to the old crutch of infidelity. My greatest fear is not knowing. <P>She says that she feels "clean" now that the truth is out. I believe her. She has other issues to work out now.<P>Your right, she was/is out of control and only time will tell.<P>How are you?<P>Well back to work.<P>God bless!!!