Well, We have decided to table the issue of selling the land - he said he was having second thoughts and so was I so told the realtor to hold off. I asked him to please refrain from telling me periodically that he was leaving. I said he already told me and it really hurts to hear it again and again and he said okay I won't say it anymore. He said he won't continue to bring up finances, that we will just keep doing what we are doing until we get caught up and can start to pay things off. I'm hoping these are good signs, even though he continues to see her. He said he wants to keep her out of our conversations and that she does not want to talk to him about his married life - as in what should I do about this or what do you think about that. What does anyone think about this. My sister said it sounds like he is just a boy toy for her, doesn't want commitment, seeing a married man is a "safe" relationship and eventually she will probably tire of him and find someone else. Any opinions are welcome. He saw me on this website a couple days ago asked if he could read some of it. I thought that might be a positive sign. We did talk about our communication skills (finishing each others sentences, etc) and both agreed to make a conscious effort to do better. Something else positive? Grasping?? I sound pathetic don't I???<P>As for the subject - last night and today I am plagued with thoughts and images of them together and I can't seem to push them aside. It really hurts and almost started to cry in bed last night. I didn't want him to know I was crying so I went down stairs. He sensed something was wrong and asked what was on my mind or if I wanted to talk about something. I told him he didn't want to know what was on my mind and didn't want to talk about it yet. Should I have told him?? Would that be a LB at this point because he is still in the affair and in the fog?<P>Responses please!!!!<P>Darlene

Darlene:<P> Why in God's name are you allowing him to do this to you? You have EVERY right to cry, scream throw things get angry. YOU are hurt, yes tell him what's wrong. Are you willing to settle for what is going on now for the rest of your life? I am sorry if I sound so negative but if he is continuing to see this other woman you will never heal.

K9love,<P>No I am not willing to settle for this the rest of my life. I am hoping that the affair will die a natural death and I can try to get my marriage back again. e said if I force him to make a decision now he will decide to leave and I don't want that - can't work on things if he is gone. I figured this was all part of the plan A thing and the no LB stuff. I am trying to be the best wife I know how to be so that this home will be a "safe place" to come to. Am i doing something wrong? We are only 4-5 weeks into this and am told it's early yet - plan A for approx. 6 months. He called from work today during his lunch break "just to see how things were going". I thought that was positive. What else should I be doing?<P>Confused!<P>Darlene<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by k9love:<P><B>Darlene:<P> Why in God's name are you allowing him to do this to you? You have EVERY right to cry, scream throw things get angry. YOU are hurt, yes tell him what's wrong. Are you willing to settle for what is going on now for the rest of your life? I am sorry if I sound so negative but if he is continuing to see this other woman you will never heal.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Darlene:<BR> I apologize, you are not doing anything wrong. I guess my own frustration and anger towards my own husband is setting my tone. Personally, I myself would not sit idly by and let an affair die a natural death. But that is me. Not you, you know what you stand to gain or loose by being the best wife you can be. Myself, my husband does not meed six of my own emotional needs so I stand to lose very little as far as I'm concerned. He does not provide me with financial security, I provide my own. He does not provide me with domestic help, never has but keeps saying he will. And above all, my husband does not know the meaning of being honest with me. So, my opinion is based on, not only did my husband have an A (I am only 8 weeks into knowing about it) the marriage before the affair left a lot to be desired.I had read the book His Needs, her Needs, how to affair proof your marriage six months before he decided he didn't want to be himself anymore. I was meeting his needs, I was doing everything I could at the cost of putting his needs and wants before my own. So to clarify my response to you, I myself am very angry and bitter. If your marriage was a good strong marriage where your needs were being met previous to the affair you are perfectly right in wanting to preserve it. I will tell you from this short experience, I think we all wonder if what we are doing is the right thing. We've been hurt, we don't want to hurt any longer and we need to hear from others who are in the same situation. You sound as if you have made your decision as to what you want. Do what it takes to get it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck <BR>

K9love,<P> We have been married 12+ yrs and up until about 6 mos ago I was happy for the most part - not blissful but you know. We have experienced a lot of stress in the last 6 mos - a major move, job change for both of us (he hates his) loss of friends for us and the kids (cause of the move). These were certainly some factors contributing to our situation but all of it. I was not meeting his needs for affection and sex. Part of that is my incredible fear of rejection. If he gave me the slightest hint that he might be rejecting me, I added a brick to my ever growing wall and then I started to find fault in alot of what he did and said - more bricks in the wall. He also failed to be open and honest with me about a brief affair 8 yrs ago that we never completely recovered from. He didn't tell me the whole and buried it - past is past right.<BR> He still fulfils his duties as a father (providing transportation for the kids to school, etc) and provider - works 2 jobs and brings all his money home. The kids would be emotionally hurt by him leaving also. Our financial situation is not good and him leaving would make it that much worse for both of us. The OW has had 3 failed relationships in the past (all 3 she was engaged to) and I wonder who was the dumper and the dumpee. He does provide domestic help - cooks alot of meals, laundry, etc., and is fairly honest with me - as much as he is capable of being at this time. I am convinced that he bounces back and forth between her and me and the kids. He knows what the right thing to do is but each time he talks to/sees her the fog rolls in again. My goal is to spend as much time with him as I can or he will allow and that over time he will spend less and less time in the fog.<BR> Thanks for your thought and prayers. I am sorry about your situation. Does he still live at home? Do you plan to send him packing? It is a hard decision and the thought that I may have to cross that bridge at some point really scares me. But I also think that if H and OW have to get down to business of real life as apposed to their bubble, they may find that it isn't all wine and roses. I stand to lose too much to throw a fit and kick him out at this point, even though at times that is exactly what I want to do, and hurling certain expletives (and his clothes) at him as he exits. But, I still very much love him.<P> This got longer than I wanted it to, Sorry. Just wanted to explain my thought patterns. I truly hope everythings works out the way you want it to. Good luck to you also and thanks for conversing with me.<P>Darlene

Darlene:<BR> I did make my husband move out. Unfortunately he lives next door so it's not a complete separation. In some ways it is good, in others it is not. Like you, I too, still love him. I hate that fact because it makes everything so difficult. In my situation I helped extinguish the flame of love he had with her. At this point there is no fear of him going back to her. But it was really ironic, she was everything I am not. She could not hold down a job, she had no education, she had no ambition in life. Totally the opposite of me. In all reality if they had continued their little game she never would have been what he wanted for a life partner. His relationship with her was based on the excitement of a new partner, not having to share her with anyone else. In all reality he spent more one on one quality time (for exra curricular activities) with her than he did with me because of the demands of life. Life is real, it's not a roller coaster of excitement, it's the boring business of jobs, domestic duties, raising children Etc. I wish I could turn back time and know what I know now. Life is so hard. In your case you have two young children and that in itself is a big factor. My own are nearly raised. It makes a difference. Take care. God bless.

I have a suggestion for both of you. You may succeed as you both are going, but I think you are avoiding your situation. Please read "Surviving An Affair." It's on this website. In that book it states a drastic measure of total separation. This forces your spouse to relate to the OW totally. He loses all support you give him. Domestic help, sex, affection etc. etc. He then looks to OW for these needs. She can't or won't help and the bubble breaks naturally. YOU are the pressure valve. My wife relied on my economic security and domestic support so she could leave us all at home. I held down the fort. Don't do it any more. Make them face reality. TOTAL SEPARATION. Contact only through friends. Even when you drop off the kids for visits, TOTAL SEPARATION. The looming presence of abandonment is quite a motivator. He will decide. Trust that his decision will be the right one.<P>In the end, even if it doesn't work, you must know that you did all you could.<P>God Bless