Dear Readers,<P>This is my first time posting my problems, but I feel I have nowhere else to turn so please help...<P>I have been married for only seven months and already my marriage is in trouble. I met my husband Maxwell over the internet in Oct. 99. At the time he was from Barbados living in Jacksonville and I was from the Bahamas living in the Bahamas. We kept in contact over the internet and eventually fell in love.<P>In January 2000 I took a chance and visited him in Jacsonville. We got engaged (via internet) in Feb 2000 and he said he took the engagement very seriously. Although I expressed to him that I didn't like Long Distance Relationships, he convinced me that ours could work. I had agreed to move to the states to be with him once we were married.<P>In August 2000 Maxwell was coming to the Bahamas to visit me and my family and he decided that we should get married during that time. He left soon after the wedding. This separation would give him time to prepare for my arrival and me time to resign from my job and move my things to Jacksonville. I wasn't too crazy about the idea because who gets married and separated for months after, but he said it was necessary.<P>Here's where all the problems begin....<BR>When he returned home after our wedding, I expected for him to call me everyday. (It was cheaper for him to call me). For the first few weeks he didn't. It was only because I demanded daily calls after being depressed that he did. But why wouldn't a husband, especially a newlywed wouldn't want to hear from his wife everyday?<P>I eventually moved to Jacksonville in Nov 2000 the day before my birthday to be with him. The experience wasn't as grand as I thought it would be. We had to live with his family which made me feel very uncomfortable. None of them did anything to make me feel welcome, none of them came to the wedding, nor did they do anything to acknowledge the wedding. The next day was my birthday and my H only said, "Happy Birthday" and eluded that my present was in the shop when he didn't get me anything at all, no cards, nothing. I'm not superficial, but I remember months earlier he debated for over a week what to get another female friend for her birthday, but you couldn't do anything to make the day special for your wife? If it wasn't for my friends and family who called and mailed gifts, it would have felt like just another day. I was too embarassed to tell everyone that my H didn't do anything.<P>The following week, I found several pictures of a girl in a bathing suit in my H's sock drawer. I also found some letters. When I asked him who she was he said, "A special friend. I'll put the pictures in the living room." That special friend was infact his ex, I'll call her Cindy. It hurt because he didn't offer to get rid of them right away and I had previously asked him to get rid of stuff like that and he assured me that he didn't have anything of that nature. I stormed out and told him to search through the rest of his things in case there were anything else. When I returned, I still found her letters in another drawer. He knew where they were, he just never bothered to do what I requested to search and get rid of them. That hurt even more.<P>I rememberd he told me that Cindy came to Jacksonville to visit in April 2000. However, during that time he told me that she probably came because she heard he was engaged but he never saw her, nor spoke to her. (She had stopped by the house and spoke to his dad because he wasn't home)When I asked him where she stayed, I learned a lot of things. She stayed with his sister (per his request) and he drove her around (airport, mall, dinner etc.) He said he felt sorry for her. I was devastated. He had lied to me. Did I mention the fact that he has asked Cindy to marry him in 1998, but she never gave him an answer? I have doubts that they even broke up at all knowing what I know now. Now I feel he married me because she never gave him an answer and perhaps our engagement was a ploy to get a reaction from her. She came all the way from Barbados to Jacksonville to shop, but I'm sure also to see him. The whole time he made me think he was with his sister and a friend, telling me stories, but the friend was really Cindy. He stayed up late one night talking to his sister and her and said that's why he didn't call. That hurt! How do I know they never had sex. (He says she's a virgin, but that can't be proven and even virgins kiss right?)<P>I also found where he kept his condoms and I remembered there were less there then the number he had on our honeymoon. He told me that he gave some to one of his friends. Why only some and not all? (We don't use condoms). This particular friend has move to another state, so I will never know if that story is the truth.<P>As time passed, I found some additional numbers and email addresses of different women. (Previously he said he didn't have anything of this nature) When confronted, H would act like he didn't even remember who these women were. I saw a copy of his cell phone records for Sept and Oct 2000 and I saw that there were two women he called often. One was a girl in Alabama. (I had previously found her number by his bed and and he made me think that just because he had the number, it didn't mean he used it.) He also said he didn't remember who the letter K was. So when I saw K's number consistenly on Sept and Oct's phone bill I was hurt. He then confessed that K he met on the internet and he never spoke to her on the phone before. He was calling this woman at late hours like 12am, 1:30am etc. but per the bill, he never spoke to her, just failed attempts. How do I know he never used a calling card? He said he had to answer a question for her. Why couldn't he email her the answer? Why the need to call now that your married? <P>The second woman lived in another part of Florida and he said he called her regarding his taxes. He made it seem like it was a professional relationship, but why call so late at night at her home? I later learned it was a friend of his from college. These phone calls were a big deal to me because he was calling me late at night so that our voices would be the last ones we hear, or so I thought.<P>Hang in there I'm almost finished. I also found a number in his bag from another girl. He told me he met this old lady from Barbados and she offered to transport anything he wanted for him back home. The story kept changing and I later learned he met this girl at the gym. He said he had no intention of using her and nor did he call her. This event happened in May2000 while he was engaged. If you didn't plan on calling why take the number, especially if you had to provide her the paper to write it on? There was a couple of nights he failed to call me because he said he stayed late at the gym. Knowing about this girl and the missing condoms, I'm wondering if was really with her!<P>Finally, there's this girl at the office that people tease him saying she is attracted to him. First he tells me that he doesn't say much to her, only hello and goodbye, but then I learned she actually works with him and she has to consult with him. By coincidence he mantioned her name in a letter to me months before (He wrote her name in reference to a friend of mines, but had forgotten my friend's name.) I aked him about why did he use the wrong name and he said this girl wasn't even working at the job during that time so he wasn't thinkig about her. What's scary, he spends a lot of time at work and part of his job requires he be on the road meeting people, having them call on his cell and paging him. My point is, it would be easy for him to have an affair (if he hasn't already). He comes home from work with shopping bags which show that as "busy" as he is he can shop. That means he can find the time to do lots of other things! Get my drift! The thought terryfies me!<P>My husband is the type of guy that doesn't like to turn down women (hurt their feelings) although he can disregard mines. He's kind of flirty and very encouraging. (I learned after marriage)Even at church a woman placed her hand on his thigh and he didn't find anything wrong with it. I thought it was very inappropriate. He explains things in a way that makes you think its one way when its really something else. I told him that's just another form of lying. Everytime he tells me about these other women they are fat, as if he couldn't be attracted to them, but the pictures of Cindy shows that she was fat. Plus, I know you don't have to have an affair with an attractive woman, just a woman whose fulfilling a need.<P>He says he loves me and he is very affectionate and patient when it comes to sex (because of these discoveries, I'm not very eager to sleep with him or to do anything else.) He seems sincere, but why does he lie so much? It makes me think there's so much more he's covering up. I am now very untrusting and question everything, our past, present and definately our future. I am also very resentful because I gave up everything back home to be with him, so why couldn't he give up these women for me? Before these discoveries, I tried to fulfill all his needs. My fear is he's still lying (none of his stories can be proven), and that if he can seek other women's attention, needs etc, when things were supposedly great between us, what is he doing now, that they are not? He says he didn't marry me for the wrong reasons, but who wouldn't say that. If you can lie about one thing, you can lie about everything!<P>I'm afraid I may have married a man who has the talent to deceive and manipulate. Sometimes I wonder if he has ever been honest with me at all. He has never volunteered info, and whenever I question him, the story would change each time. He can never come clean the first time even if the lie is a small one - if there is such a thing. I feel fooled and like I don't know who I married. I thought I took every precaution by sharing with him myself (my likes and dislikes, jealousies, insecurities, beliefs, etc) to avoid being hurt, but he still managed to hurt me anyway.<P>Finally, we are both members of the Church of Christ. (He is recently baptised). My church has strict rules regarding divorce. There is no advice in the Bible regarding what to do if your husband married you for the wrong reasons or if you have no trust and possibly no love left. How can I love someone who would do things deliberately knowing it would hurt me? I didn't know he was capable of doing that. Do you think this marriage can work? Do I have any reason to believe that he hasn't cheated on me eventhough he has lied to me? There are no concrete evidence to show he committed adultry, but the signs are there.He says he hasn't, but he has lied to me before. What should I do? Am I paranoid, being extreme? Please advise!!<P><p>[This message has been edited by Lewi (edited March 28, 2001).]

Listen, babe, if you're so entrenched in "what if's" and "could be's", then I think you are missing the point that you got engaged on the internet. I mean, for all he knows, you could kill him in his sleep. <P>Yeah, he's probably an incredible flake. What do you expect, though? You knew nothing about him when you got "engaged" over Email. <P>By the way, I've got some property I'd like to sell you for cheap. Send me a check and 'll send you the deed.

Ouch! That hurt! <P>FYI We spent months chatting via email and phone (DAILY!)and I felt we got to know each other very well. We really learned a lot based on conversating ALL THE TIME! I am glad of the fact that premarital sex, looks or anything else superficial was wasn't a factor in our decision to marry, just our thoughts, feelings and beliefs. I also mentioned that I visited him to spend more time with him to get to know him better. <P>By-the-way, there are people who have known each other (in person) their entire lives and aren't as close as my H and I were when we met. You can know someone really well (like a lot of the people in the forum, I'm sure) and still experience problems. The fact that we met on the internet is irrevalant! I am far from being a flake and I took a lot into consideration before I decided to marry him. <P>I appreciate you reply, but I would love to hear from someone, minus the bitter scarcasm thanks....<P>Ps: I don't simply buy anything without looking into it first, nor did I marry for the heck of it. I am a christian and I take my vows very seriously!!!!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lewi:<BR>[B]<BR>>>>FYI We spent months chatting via email and phone (DAILY!)and I felt we got to know each other very well. We really learned a lot based on conversating ALL THE TIME! I am glad of the fact that premarital sex, looks or anything else superficial was wasn't a factor in our decision to marry, just our thoughts, feelings and beliefs. >>><P>Oh, my goodness, Lewi!<BR>You sure do have a problem on your hands! I read your entire letter because I just couldn't believe how many 'mistakes' your H made and 'covered' for them time after time, and you are questioning the sincerity on his part. I thought I had it bad when my H began showing signs of infidelity after 12 years of marriage but I wanted to cry when I got done reading your letter. Sweetie, you had better think long and hard and perhaps go to a couselor, if at all possible. While it's true that conversing on a daily basis can lead to an EA (emotional affair), that because people tend to build up trust in each other, based on what they say. ACTIONS speak far louder than words, however, and this is what you are witnessing now.<P>Perhaps you got married too soon and did not give yourselves a chance to really watch each other 'in action.' Sure, people can say anything--promise anything--over the phone or on the Internet. But...'IRL', meaning 'in real life', it's how we treat each other that counts. Unfortunately for you, you found this out after you took such a big step. Or at least, that's how your letter sounds to me. You can call it superficial, but there is NO substitute for 'the real thing.' I am so sorry you are going through such pain, but if you are not happy NOW, can you imagine 2 years from now? 5 years? 20? What if children come along? You have a lot of thinking and praying to do and I really do wish you the best. Yes..I know, I've been married for 12 years and am now going through a very rough spot--but, no one is immune to problems like this. Anyone who thinks he is immune is sady mistaken!<P>Good luck to you and I hope you keep us posted.<P>Winny

Lewi,<P>Where do I begin? It sounds like to me your H is addicted to relationships. This has nothing to do with you. He has a deep need to have women show him attention. Why did he marry you? I don't know, maybe he doesn't know. The fact is that he did marry you though. What can you do about it...<BR>pray! You cannot change your H. Never never never. You can ask God to help you and you can pray he heals your h. It is the only way. You need to relax and stop looking for things.<BR>God doesn't want you to check up on your husband like this. You are just getting yourself upset. Remember ONLY God can convict him of his sins. It is not your job.Get out of Gods way. Work on your relationship with the Lord. We all need to do this everyday. We NEVER get good enough to stop seeking Gods will for us. <P>By no means do I want to affend anyone but, just to tell you about my experiences growing up in the Church of Christ. The church failed to teach me that being a Christian was about having a personal relationship with God. I was taught that God was a bunch of rules and if we messed up we were thrown out of church. This messed me up until last year when I was 40 years old. Praise God I found a church that was about a relationship with Christ. God cannot be contained to a building, He is so much more than that. God is the only one you can trust with all this stuff. I had no ideal how to do all of this until God led me to <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org." TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org.</A> There will not be a quick fix. God is going to have to work in you and your H. God will do it in His time.You have issues that God needs to deal with also.We are all sinners and we cannot measure someones elses sin against our. God is the only true judge.<P>Please understand that it is not about what church we go to.<BR>It is about our relationship with God. Christ's body is the church and we as believes are His body. It doesn't matter how we worship. I now have a new love for all God's people and I do not care were they worship. I was just giving my testimony. I will pray for you to go to the above site to seek Gods word and will for you and your marriage.<BR>gentle<P><p>[This message has been edited by gentle (edited March 29, 2001).]

Lewi,<P>I am a little taken back by the first reply you received from EazyE. I have had only positive and helpful responses to my posts. There are alot of people here who give excellent advice and won't belittle your situation. I hope there will be some sound advice forthcoming, preferably advice which does not focus on the strengths or pitfalls of a particular religion. <BR>So I just want to send you a hug and say welcome, we would like to get to know you.<P>Robyn

First let me say thanks to everyone thus far who has replied. I truly am grateful for everyone's responses.<P>Windancer, the points you brought up are some of the things I constantly think about. I will not raise any kids in an unstable relationship / environment and my husband agrees with me. I do fear about the future, but I am trying to leave it in God's hands. This is really hard because I like to be in control and usually don't like depending on others because I have been constantly been let down in the past. Please let me know what you plan to do with your H / Marriage. My thoughts are with you.<P>Gentle, what an adequate name. I acknowlege that the most important thing is developing a relationship with God. I'm working on it, but your prayers will help. God bless you for sharing your experiences.<P>Robyn's Clues - Because of the sensitive, yet frank responses that I have been reading from others problems,is why I decided to seek advice. Had it not been for you, Gentle and Windancer, I would have given up completely. Thanks for your compassion.<P>So far I have firmly asked my husband to explain his actions using the truth. I realise that because he has lied, its hard for me to believe anything he says. I read the book, "When you lover is a liar" and it helped. I also read the book, "Why forgive." and its insightful, but I guess for me its easier said than done. I'm trying to be like Jesus and forgive and give unconditional love. I don't want to search through his things anymore, so I will try to stop. I will just ask when I have questions and/or suspicions.<P>He is in the process of writing me explanations for the above and he's being very affectionate lately. Its good, but now I am very cynnical. I think is he so nice, to throw me off? Or is he really trying to mend things? He says he loves only me and he wants to make this marriage work. But I too believe in actions speaks louder than words and I do fear that he thrives on other womens attention. He denies this. He has sworn that he has never cheated on me - sexually saying he couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I also fear the Emotional Adultry and I think it hurts just as much if not more. He is supposed to give me his explanations tonight.<P>From reading other people's experiences..there are some people who have been through a whole lot worse! I would really like to know how they got beyond it and continued in the relationship. <P>Please pray that God reveals an answer for me regarding my husband telling the truth and whether this marriage can be saved.<P>Thanks again - I'll keep you all posted.