<BR> posted March 28, 2001 09:56 AM <P> Saw the OW last night. Very difficult. She is VERY ingrained in our social culture. To leave that culture would be to sacrifice 30 friendships just to distance ourselves from her. Is that how it usually happens? Last night I felt shaky and angry, but today, not too bad. It is easy for me to control who comes into our home, or to plan events that only take in a portion of this circle. But I fear that at the larger events, she will always be present. Should we give up major annual events, which we have greatly enjoyed, because she is there? I would much rather be aware, alert, and learn how to deal with her presence. I know this is exactly the opposite of what Dr. Harley recommends. But why should we be forced to give up key parts of our culture here? I think I've given up enough already. I would welcome reactions to this comment - is there anyone who strongly agrees or disagrees with it? I am anticipating that most people will say: - "What matters to you more, this circle of friends or your relationship? Because you can't have both."<P>JL....you there?<P>Robyn

You have givin up nothing compared to youir spouse you betrayed. Yes if you want to save your nmarriage do what ever it takes to cut the OW out of your life.......<BR>If getting away from her is immpossiable then make it absolutely clear to her that there is nothing to stay away and be open with your spouse.<BR>Be stronger than the horriable urges that forced here in the first place. Your wife suffers I am sure think of only her.

Robyn,<P>Am I missing something here? I thought you suspected him of kissing her before you were engaged and perhaps having some attachment to her. I also thought that since your engagement she has backed off of you BF and he has shown no interest in her at all.<P>If that is the case or even close, I wouldn't worry about her. I am going to say something that will bother you, but I hope as you think about it will also comfort you.<P>You are engaged. You are not married. Why do you get engaged rather than just going and getting married? I will tell why I think an engagement is present. It is a period of commitment, but not a deep commitment. It is a period of learning and yes even testing. How will the prospective spouse handle being exclusive? How will prospective spouse treat me? Will we argue over the wedding arrangements? I have a chance to learn important things about my spouse, so am I?<P>Robyn, the last thing you should do is withdraw from a group of friends that you like. In fact the last thing you want is for your BF to do that. This is when you learn many things about him and yourself. You are not married. There is no OW. You or he could decide to end the engagement and that would be that in the eyes of most churches, most governements and most people. Yes, you or he would be deeply hurt, but the COMMITMENT has not been made yet.<P>Don't worry about OW, she is going to provide you some very valuable information about your BF. She may test him for you and believe me you want to know about these things now rather than later.<P>Robyn, enjoy, live large, smile. You are engaged to a wonderful man. You have a large circle of friends. You should be enjoying both your BF and your friends. When you get married you should enjoy your H and your friends.<P>You are doing just fine. Don't borrow trouble. Your BF asked you to marry him because he wants to be married to you not this other girl who was after him before the engagement. He has given you no reason for you to doubt him, so trust him but more importantly trust yourself. <P>You don't have to spend time and energy worrying about this. Just do your best and life will take care of itself. OK?<BR>Calm down and don't have panic attacks over this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Huge, huge smiles, JL. I suspected that my situation would not require shifting my social culture. SO GLAD you are around this morning. If I can ever offer any opinion or assistance in return, just say the word.<P>Torpedoed: clarification for you - I am not the betraying spouse, it's the other way around - I am the healing spouse. But, as JL points out a) I am not married, I am engaged and b) I have shown tendencies to be paranoid about the incident which occurred with my boyfriend and a female friend prior to my engagement. You can read my 2 other posts for the whole story. Robyn