okay, it's been a week since I found out. I had an uneasy feeling, but a week ago I received a phone call from the OW's H. He asked me several questions and told me that my H was having an affair with his W. I denied it. couldn't be true!! My H was planning on going away that weekend for a few days. Apparently, so was this man's W. That night I sat my H done when he returned from work and asked him where he was going. He said "do you really want to go there". I knew it was bad. He told me that it was true. I have since found out it has been going on for a couple of months and that he has spent a night with her, his birthday and our anniversary. What a slap! He still managed to spend a lot of time with me and our family. He has assured me it is over. He went to her house the next morning and broke it off. he was not gone long so I believe him. I just keep running everything through my mind. I can't believe that after 22 years of a fairly good marriage he would betray me this way. I'm afraid all the time, depressed, not eating, not concentrating. I haven't been able to work since I found out and I can't quit shaking. We have agreed to counseling and have already started. But the littlest things make me cry. We haven't said anything to our teenage boy. The counselor thinks that my H should tell him. i'm not sure that would do any good. any thoughts. I just can't believe how devestated I am. I want to talk but I'm afraid I'll make him angry. He doesn't understand why I want to know certain things. I also have a desire to confront this OW but I don't feel that it would really solve anything for me. <P>any advice from someone whos been there?<P>sr

I'm 2.5 months after D day. You should get the book After the Affair. It explains what you are going through. I was the exact same way. One piece of advice that I would have is not to tell too many people. I made that mistake. I was level headed enough not to tell everyone but I did tell one friend who told another and so on. Wish I had kept more to myself. It has been tough. We have come so close to separation so many times in the last 2.5 months. Sometimes I wish for it. Still do sometimes. They say it takes 2 years to recover. I believe it. it does get better though. Just hang in, keep reading and posting.<P>

SR:<BR>My heart truly goes out to you. My d-day was 6 weeks ago on Valentines evening. He was not even completely honest then. More and more comes out every week. It seems he cares about me and is in love with her. We have been married almost 18 years and have two teenage children. I still cry all the time, have the shakes, don't eat or sleep. Work is beginning to suffer. I can concentrate for more than a few minutes. Holding meetings is almost impossible. I am tired of him telling me to take care of myself. We are a part of each other. I am reading and going to counselling. I think I could handle it better if he would just tell me what he wants to do. He doesn't know if he wants to remain married to me or not. He shows no remorse for the pain he's caused.<BR>I am currently using Plan A. It is a struggle because now the anger is setting in. I will continue because I love him and I am willing to work to make our marriage the most important thing in my life...again. If there is anyone reading this who is not a victim of an A, please learn from our mistakes. Don't neglect your marriage or take it for granted. I thought it would never happen to me. He was the nicest, most honorable man I ever knew. Now I look at him as liar and a cheat who has broken my heart and tramples on it every day. but I still love him. Will we ever get through this?????????<BR>Exxon

Welcome <B>sr</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Keep this information from your son...<BR>...he only needs to know if your H leaves you!<BR>But talking to him about the importance of improving your marriage (you spending more time with his dad!!)!<P>Do not contact the OW...<BR>...In fact... it is recommended that your H (under your review) still send the OW a <B>final</B> "no contact" letter!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Make sure the counseling is along the lines of MB counseling...<BR>...make sure it is going to be "skill building" specific.<P>You are not alone...<BR>If you're in a true recovery... check ou the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A> forum.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Thank you for the replies. I tell you this is not something I ever dreamed would happen to me. My husband is 10 years older than I am and he has always been an advocate of the truth. I had come across many emails about a year ago that he was doing through chat rooms. Some were very explicit. I was devestated and felt it was totally wrong. he even protrayed himself as being 20 years younger than he is. When I confronted him he said he was "just having fun" and was bored. I guess I didn't get the connection that maybe this was a call for help. <P>I truly believed that it was something he wouldn't repeat. And he didn't. He had an affair instead. He does say that he wants our marriage to continue and be better than it was before. I have an extremely stressful job and as I mentioned haven't been to work since I found out. Of course at the same time I came down with a urinary tract infection and the doctor has me on some pretty strong medicine. I am on tranquilizers and the doctor is suggesting I go on an anti-depressent. He is a very consevative doctor who also happens to know my H and I on a personal level. I have to say this outlet is helpful. I have read through most of the posts and all the other information on this site. I also have two books "After the Affair" and "Infedelity; a survival guide". They have helped me in my lowest. <P>Sometimes I look at him and don't see any pain. He has expressed sorrow and told me that many times. He doesn't want to leave (I guess that is good since I love him) and he is willing to work on improvements. I just need to know how I cope day to day. The only ones that know is my doctor and the Counselor. Oh and several people where he works as her H went to the job and complained and my H was put on Administrative leave while the "investigated". <P>Again, I can't believe how hurt, betrayed and afraid I am at this point.<P>SR

I understand your pain and confusion. You are in the midst of a storm that you didn't anticipate and don't know how to handle. First, let me tell you that I have been there and survived. In fact, I am stronger and happier than I was prior to and during the affair. My husband and I passed the 3 year mark in February, so I feel very confident in telling you that this is something you can face and conquer together. I give no credit to the affair for what we have today....I will never be grateful for the sin that came into my life. But I will always be grateful for the way God revealed Himself and worked in my life, my husband's life, and our marriage.<P>You say that your husband is remorseful...that is excellent! That is a big part of putting things back together again. Counseling is also a big part. This is where you can work on some of the tougher issues and have an objective third party to help you. Reading is also good. I highly recommend Torn Asunder by Dave Carder....it is the best of all the books I've read on recovering from an affair.<P>I have to disagree with NSR about telling your son however. I wouldn't advise just blindsiding him with the information, but would ask the counselor how he recommends telling him. If others know, there is a risk your son could find out from someone else and this would be much worse. I also believe that our children know and can handle more than we give them credit for. I imagine your son is aware that something is wrong and may even be fearful, but afraid to say anything. If you tell him in an appropriate way and have help and support available for him to turn to, then you can expect him to do well. You have an opportunity here to teach him some very valuable lessons about forgiveness and grace and how to face a crisis.<P>My husband told our teenage children...one boy and one girl....about his affair at the suggestion of our counselor. They were heartbroken, but both affirmed their love and forgiveness for him. They've watched us each step of the way and I believe we have given them a very valuable gift. They each have an excellent relationship with their dad today.<P>At one week, you are at the beginning of a journey. I won't lie, it isn't going to be a short journey....but it is worth it. There will be ups and downs and there will be times you think you don't have the strength to make it, but if you will just look at it as putting one foot in front of the other, you can make it. Take deep breaths, face things one day at a time, rest when you can, eat small meals until your appetite returns. Take a break from work for a while if you can. If not, confide in someone you know you can trust and ask for some help. The ability to concentrate will return and it will actually help you to have work to distract you. The lack of appetite and feelings of nausea will also get better and your sleep patterns will return to normal.<P>I urge you to cling to your husband and him to you. Turning to each other for love and support in this crisis might seem strange to some, but it is a big part of what helped rebuild my marriage. My husband and I tackled this giant together and we overcame it. We have a happy, normal marriage today. We have excitement, passion, fun, dreams, disagreements, frustrations, joy, sadness....all the things that are part of a normal marriage. What makes it different from before is the new level of openness and honesty that we have along with the realization that together with God we can face anything.<P>You can do this......<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

thank you for the replies. I have really tried to cling to my H and he appears to be doing the same. We had a really nice evening until we were holding each other and then all I could thing of was her and him holding her that way. I feel that she has robbed something special from me and I don't know how to trust that it will come back. I keep wondering if he is thinking of her or if he is just full of guilt. I know it will take time and I think that he is willing to devote the time into this marriage. I really hope so. I still can't believe he did this to me (and us). I still can't believe . I am really having a hard time believing him even though I feel he never lied to me before in our time together. <P>One day (sometimes minute) at a time . . .<BR>sr

I understand what you are describing....I experienced most of that myself. I promise you that it does get better. I can't be inside your husband's head and know his thoughts, but I can tell you that my husband ended the affair at the revelation and never looked back. He assured me over and over again that he never thought of the ow when he was with me....even while the affair was going on. This is hard to believe, but since people involved in an affair compartmentalize their lives, I believe it. As time goes on, you will be able to see that you simply can't make sense of this and that's okay. An affair is a senseless act....it isn't based on reality or logic, it is based on lies and deceit.<P>It is truly a journey of one minute at a time in the beginning. Just concentrate on breathing and getting from minute to minute and you will soon see that becoming hours, then days, then weeks, etc. I tell you from my heart that it is possible to make it through this and find wholeness and happiness with your husband again.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31