Hi Lewi:<P>Congratulations on the strength you have shown in beginning to address your situation. I often wonder how each of us develops his or her own definition of marriage, monogamy, affair, and boundaries. I hope that your husband will come to understand what these things mean to you, and that you will develop an understanding of why he has behaved as he has. Your relationship developed over the internet, and I think more relationships will develop this way as technology affects us all. Every couple that marries quickly will face judgement because they have done so, and people are quick to attribute any problems to the haste of the union. While this may or may not be true, what you need now is constructive support and advice so you can determine what to do with regard to your husband! <BR>Can you share anything further about your relationship with his family? It must be difficult to work through this while you are living with them. Is there any chance of the two of you living on your own?<P>In my posts, I have also acknowledged that I am posting in a forum which I think is meant to help people in more serious situations than mine. (Briefly: I am engaged, not married. Before I became engaged but was living with my BF, I believe that a female friend had some sort of inappropriate relationship with my BF. Although there were no legal or religious committments broken, I have still been in pain and in need of support and common sense.) <P>In fact, this week I have felt myself backsliding and feeling some of the anxiety I've been trying so hard to get rid of. Thanks to everyone esp. Just Learning, who has not judged the smallness of my situation, but realized that it hurt. Any advice on the backsliding? It was triggered by seeing this girl again.<P>Thank you so much!!<P>Robyn

Robyn,<P>You realize that seeing this girl again triggered the backsliding. That is very good. Now what you need to realize that she isn't the problem. She represents the problem to you. You don't trust your BF. But I also suspect you don't trust yourself either. Now you cannot fix your BF. He will have to prove to you that he is the man you want to marry over the length of your engagement.<P>However, you can address yourself. Why don't you think your BF won't and didn't chose you over this girl. It seems to me, he had a choice and he made it. He asked you to marry him after whatever happened with this girl. You have what he is looking for apparently. Yet, it seems you have doubts. Are they doubts about yourself and why your BF would chose you over her. The data indicates that he did just that.<P>So perhaps, you need to look inward a bit. You have started by realizing the trigger for your backsliding. It may be time to do deeper. You might want to consider a counselor. You won't be happy until you can trust and the person you need to trust most is: YOURSELF. <P>Hope this gives you something to think about.<P>God Bless,<P>JL