After toying with the idea that H has a sexual addition, it occured to me he felt sex was a legitimate physical need for a man, like food. This seems ludicous to me now looking back over our 30 years of marriage. How dare he say that sex is a physical needs for him but he would agree it was or could be an emotional need for me. I say it is an emotional need for both of us. I would also like to know what happens when that physical need isn't met. Does it force a person to walk around with a hard on. ....as I've been told. <P>I've moved out of the bedroom but it isn't for punishment. I just don't want to sleep with him. He seems to be doing better in the emotion department since sex has been eliminated from the picture. Any opinions?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by artsy:<BR><B>Does it force a person to walk around with a hard on. ....as I've been told.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes.<P>Bama<BR>

Artsy,<BR>My husband and I have the same issue...and I've had a heck of a time trying to understand the male perspective where sex is concerned.<BR>If you have some time, Dogbert and I discussed the subject a fair bit in the 'opinions wanted' post that I did a while back.<BR>It's pretty long, but if you skim through it you'll see a lot of stuff explained in terms of how men see sex.<BR>Dogbert translated the whole male perspective - it helped me to understand my husband much better.<P>For the record...for men it IS a physical need. Sure other things come into play, but it is a HUGE physical need, that if not met can certainly cloud their thinking. My husband posts in this forum under the name 'Wanting it to work' and since this is the topic of conversation for him when he posts, or in therapy sessions, I'm sure he'd be willing to help you see the male point of view if your interested.

I agree that it is a physical need for men, as well as for women sometimes. I also feel that couples who are married should meet that need for each other whenever the other wants. It's not fair to one for the other to withhold something that only they are supposed to provide. Sometimes you may not feel up to it, but when you start you may feel more inclined. I think that it is Dr. James Dobson who encourages spouses to always meet their spouse's physical needs. Just food for thought. I know that sometimes I am so exhausted that I cannot even think about it, but I really try to anyway. I cannot say that that is true 100% of the time, but I try.

Thanks for posting...<BR>Window, <BR>I can't see that I need to meet his physical needs now. I understand the bible...don't defraud one another...But who defrauded who when he had 6 PA's he admitted to. <P>I think physical or emotional he can just sit with his hard on and think whether he is actually going to explode or just walk alittle off balance :]

I certainly didn't mean that after a PA that you should have to meet his physical needs!!! The Bible is pretty clear about adultery. All bets are off if that is what you want where the Bible is concerned. I thought you were asking about physical needs being met in a "normal" marriage situation not one where there was or is a WS. I am sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean any disrespect at all. I am sorry that I misunderstood the question.<P>Window

Window, <BR>No you didn't upset me. It is my tone. It has been a problem for a long time. But I digress. We just got into a long discusssion of why he can sleep with a complete stranger and even when meeting me he didn't even know how many members in my family before we had sex. I came out of a sexually abused situation and so equate sex with a desire to please. He, I feel, is sexually addicted. He says, no way, sex is simply a physical need. Well, I would like to sell tickets to the show when what ever happens, happens!<P>I think that the posts are running more toward his point of view. There was no way to know my underlying problem, I didn't say. I just wanted to know how many out there thought that sex was a physial need, like water or food. <BR>Thanks for the input. <BR>

Artsy, get your hands on the book, "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatments" and you can find out what type affairs that your husband had. If he is infact a sex addict, then that is going to be the toughest to treat and stop. It's not impossible though. But, the man has to have the same strong motivation that a drug addict, an alcoholic, or a gambling addict has to over come the addiction. They are rare, but they are real. My mom was an alcoholic and in one of her treatment centers was a sex addict. Sometimes, if they are truly a sex addict, it takes the kind of treatment programs that all other addicts go to which includes staying at a place for two to four weeks of intensive therapy. But, six affairs doesn't necesarily make a sex addict. But, it's hitting it pretty close. If his therapist says he's one and he denies it, his recovery will be as good as a drug addict or alcoholic that denies their problem. But, I can tell you right now, if he is a sex addict and you are witholding sex from him, then you are really complicating the problem. Unlike drugs, gambling, or alcohol the human species DOES need sex. Look at all the priest that could not really be celebant although they took vows to be so. Even the nuns often have problems too. We have alot of mental and emotional activity with sex that animals do not. But, deprive us of it, then we go on automatic pilot. If all will be honest on this board, although we make love probably 99% of the time...there is 1% that we just go in their and f*** because it relieves pressure and stress in our lives. Men rely on that "safety valve" more so than women. But, we all do it at times in our lives. Some men think of sex as a totally different thing than making love. They separate it out with one being for the person they have emotions for and the other being for any one willing to have sex back with them. This is more true of a younger man than one with some age. The aging process not only slows them down, but it entertwines the mental, emotional, and physical aspects of sex. Yes, your husband truly does have a physical need for sex. I know you are very hurt and angry with him and you have all the rights in the world to feel that way. But, if he went else where to meet his physical needs and they still aren't being met, he will remain "good" for just so long and the call of the sirens will catch him again. We had trouble with the sex at first (visions of OW danced in my head!) I couldn't have an orgasm for a full year...damn frustrating that "I" had the sexual dyfunction!! But, we perservered and now, our sex life is better than when we courted because we worked out so many issues in our marriage and are truly closer and more comfortable with being vulnerable with each other. This translates into an almost spiritual lovemaking now!!!

Artsy,<BR>Hi, it's me...SoDuped's husband...<BR>We have had quite a few discussions - some heated - about sex, and what motivates me.<BR>It's not so much a touchy subject today that it has been in the past but if I don't approach it right it will turn into an ugly situation. <BR>Since the affair my attitude and motivation has changed dramaticly towards making love. I don't look at it so much as to please me, but to please my wife also. More along the lines of making love with her rather than to her. My wife even gave me a compliment stating that I was actually getting better in bed.<BR>As for the physical need...YES it's there. Walking around with a 'hard-on' causes a man's mind to go places and to fantisize...that can cause the 'need' for physical fulfillment. Even today I feel uncomfortable about snuggling up to my wife in bed with an erection, but through our discussions and her posts with Dogbert she has come to understand that it is a physical reaction that can't be controlled with 'mind over matter'. My suggestion to you is go to the forms and questionairs section in this forum and check out the Emotional needs questionaire...both of you fill one out and see what really are your needs - you might be surprised.<BR>There is no excuse for what your husband has done to you and your marriage - you are obviously wanting to try and make it work, and by denying him sexual fulfillment you could be forcing him to go satisify himself by taking other avenues regardless of what the bible says - he will feel that you are pushing him to it by denying him.<BR>Under the circumstances it is normal for you to have trouble being intimate with him...my wife still has difficulty some days...but if he is understanding of where your head is at, and patient with your feelings...and is serious about restoring your relationship...working your way back towards intimacy is an important step

Dear artsy -<P>Is sex a physical need, in the sense that men will die without it? No. <P>Is it a desire that men have that it is best that they ignore? No. <P>Is it a desire which, when treated properly, can bring a husband and wife closer together? Yes. <P>If I can suggest it without offending, sometimes one contributing factor in adultery is the belief of some men that if they can't get it at home, they are in some sense entitled to seek it elsewhere. This does not excuse adultery, but it sometimes does explain it. <P>What I recommend, as I often do, is the Policy of Joint Agreement. Your husband probably would not agree to a policy that says essentially "You won't die without sex, so you can just do without" any more than you would agree to a policy that said "If you don't come across, I'll find someone who will." <P>If there are issues in your or your husband's past that need to be dealt with, by all means find a good counselor who will help you deal with them, but you and your husband will have to deal with them together. What I suspect you need to work toward is the day when neither your husband or you feel any hesitation in seeking sex, emotional companionship, or any other need - and seeking fulfillment only from each other because you love and care for each other. <P>That is, after all, the idea, both of marriage and of sex. <P>Regards,<BR>rs0522

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by artsy:<BR><B>Thanks for posting...<BR>Window, <BR>I can't see that I need to meet his physical needs now. I understand the bible...don't defraud one another...But who defrauded who when he had 6 PA's he admitted to. <P>I think physical or emotional he can just sit with his hard on and think whether he is actually going to explode or just walk alittle off balance :] </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Artsy: Thank you so much for the genuine laugh. Your comment is truly hysterical and lord knows I needed a good laugh. I like your wit and the way in which you are handling this.

rsof22 and others, <BR>Thanks so much for responding to the burning question of the hour in our challenging situation. <BR>I am in a separate bedroom and we're seeing a counselor once a week. My h's 6 PA's led to this situation. I am just making room for my feelings and I hope one day that our love for one another is renewed. I'm trusting in Christ for that. <BR>My H would like closure of course and ideally this would be me having sex with him. He hasn't had it in the longest period of his short 52 years. Well, there was 0 to 17, I suppose. He equates doing something with me, movies, sitting talking, yard work, etc., with an invitation to lie next to him. I'm not even tempted anymore. I suppose the more time away the easier it is to dismiss (for me) but I feel I would be much angier later if I got with him. So that's where we are. I still feel quilty when I read your posts but I think in reflection that it is misplaced guilt. He messed up and it is not minor.