Need a reality check. My husband is out of state. I am at home taking care of two grandchildren, one is terminally ill. Taking care of their alcoholic mother also. My husband has a woman employee with him who has done the following list of things for him in my absence. I have never met this person, have talked to her on the phone for about 5 minutes. My husband was in emotional crisis when these things happened, very needy, vulnerable, and impulsive. Here is what she did. She provided eccesive admiration, praise, and encouragement, in his business and personal life. Listened to and shared her thoughts and ideas on his most private issues,personal problems, marital problems, and family problems, and business problems. He says he shared this with her so he could understand me better. They also discussed each others sex lives. She shared her spiritual philosophies with him and guided him in his own spiritual growth. She asked him to consider spending MORE time out of state. She listened to and encouraged him in his plans and dreams for the future of his business. She provided him with unlimited resources for facilitating his dreams in business. She spied on all the other employees (at his request), uncovered a serious problem with a key employee, and nearly single-handedly saved the day. She also held my husbands hand when he asked her to, provided frequent hugs, offered ideas for recreational time away from work. They spent 2-4 hours a day on the phone together discussing business matters and an undetermined amount of time on personal matters. She would stay late after work late at night (they were alone),she is married and has kids. I overheard a phone call in which the coversation was obviously personal and the words had hidden meaning, until it turned to business matters, and then it was clear with a completely different tone. There were daily e-mails form both parties , one of the main subjects was something called the "game of life", in which she would let him know how he was doing, and when she thought he was ready to excel to the next level, and they would discuss how fun and exciting these "levels" would be. This game involved spiritual levels and dreams, plans, ideas, and goals involving the business that HE and I own, she is just our employee. My husband has admitted to me that he has developed a "crush" on her. He told her this also and she said she knew that, but none of her behaviors changed. They also spent countless hours working together side by side. I found out about all the above behavior quite by accident. My husband insists on taking full responsibility for this entire situation. He and I both realize that our life circumstances and our marrital difficulties contributed to the development of this situation, so I also take responsibility for my own part. He refuses to see how her excessive involvement in every area of his life has anything to do with the problem. I want her to be held responsible for her half of the the game they played, he did not play this game alone. He says I am over-reacting to the situation, especially her part. I told him if an employer or friend of mine was such an EMOTIONAL MESS, the first thing I would do would be to call his wife for help (even if he said not to). Getting involved this way is very dangerous for married men and women. He is protecting and defending her behaviors and today I told him that she is MY employee also and that this is not what she was hired to do. I told him SHE IS FIRED! I desperatly need as many viewpoints as possible or I may allow myself to be manipulated into minimizing this situation, (that is already happening). HELP, I HAVE BEEN REPLACED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no great wisdom to offer but you are right on.<P>I really hope H will see the light and get out of his involvement. I feel so bad that you are being hurt like this.

The definition of an "affair" is doing something (anything) with someone other than the spouse and hiding it. By that definition ( used in "Psychology Today" ) your husband and the woman are having an affair. Although you do know "about it"...you don't know what all they are doing or saying..thus, it is being hid from you. He is in deep denial if he can't see where that is taking him, if it hasn't already. Check out the book, "H.I.S. Needs H.E.R. Needs by Harley. Ask him if the two of you can read the book together and discuss it. It is a very simplistic statement of what can go wrong in a marriage. To then work through the marital problems, I suggest "Rescuing Relationships" by Dr. Phil McGraw (on Oprah). He tells you "how" to change and make the relationship better. He provides the tools. Your husband is getting a lot of "pay off" from the woman. He is in a fog and it will be hard to break through that.

Replaced,<BR>I'm so sorry to hear what is happening to you - you are going through so much, and the one person who should be there for you to lean on has turned to someone else - believe me, I can relate to how you feel.<BR>My husband also had an emotional affair - his however did turn physical - during a time when life and things between the two of us were very difficult.<BR>It took some time for my husband to acknowledge the emotional side of his affair...he finally did when I printed a copy of this article and asked him to read it... <A HREF="http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=156" TARGET=_blank>http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=156</A> <BR>We are now in the process of trying to sort this whole mess out...not an easy road.<BR>After everything I've read on this site, the first thing that needs to happen between you and your husband is to separate him from this woman he has been turning to...Dr. Harley's plan A is the perfect tool for you to begin this process...check it out as soon as you can - it works!<BR>Stay strong, and post often - everyone on this site is here to help you through this.

replaced,<P>You are worried that you may be talked into minimizing the situation. This is something that has appeared in many other stories here. While it is important to try and set a tone for discussion where both partners feel safe (as possible), you must NOT accept anyone telling you that you are exaggerating or taking this out of proportion! You are feeling what you are feeling. Through the "game" that your H has constructed with this woman, they are sharing thoughts, feelings, dreams and feelings that rightfully belong between the two of you. She is impacting and interfering with your marriage. I get the impression that this woman views herself as a self-styled motivational guru of some type. She sounds magnetic, manipulative, creative and finds words to sugar-coat and validate her actions. My opinion is that New Zealand is not far enough away for this person. <BR>I felt alot of strength in your post. Even though you have come here for some help and opinions, you seem like someone who can use patience and logic to help yourself and your H navigate this. I am sorry for the pain this situation has caused you, and I wish you and your husband success.<P> Robyn<p>[This message has been edited by Robyn's Clues (edited April 04, 2001).]

I am not an expert by any means of sexual harassment, but I would be careful in out right firing her. Maybe you could convince your husband to give her a great recommendation in "New Zealand" (I liked that Robyn). She sounds like the kind of woman just looking for trouble. My H had an EA w/a similar type of predator woman. Shame on them and our H's for being so weak! Good luck and God bless! I am sorry for your pain.<P>Window