Whew, what a terrible 9 days (D-Day 9 days ago). When I first started reading posts, I wasn't sure what the "roller coaster" thing was all about, now I do. I go from loving her to death, to intense anger at the drop of a dime! AAAAHHHHH. We are working through this, talking, holding etc. She is being very attentive to me. When I'm having an "episode", she asks whats wrong, kisses me or holds me or simply rubs my hand. <P>OM was persistant in the A, tugging at her heart strings. I learned she refused his advances but he persisted. Shame on her for finally "giving in", but F**K him for continuing even after she told him she couldn't do it! Man that pisses me off, he knew what he wanted and pushed until he got it. <P>I'm not taking from the fact that she did GIVE IN, we have addressed that, but it just sheds a little more light on the subject. <P>W is trying to get over him, she is focusing on us. The pregnancy and choice to end it really messed her up. To make matters even worse, OM can't have kids w/ his W, it's just a big old mess. OM through that in her face when he found out about the pregnancy...sheesh, like I needed that.<P>W has made it clear she doesn't want him, she never did (in a long term way anyways). I think alot of what OM told her was what she needed to hear to make his advances easier. <P>Working on the priciples marriagebuilders suggests (EN), the "reason" for the A makes sense (sorta). I found out OM is the exact opposite of me, working on the theory of unmet/unknown emotional needs. After talking about this, we've identified some needs that weren't being met, more specifically, didn't know were missing. Couple this w/ his persistence, presto, ingredients for an A.<P>We both have issues to wrestle w/, but we are doing it together. We are spending more time together, doing "everyday" things together, quite honestly, we are useing each other to get over this....and I think THAT is the key to our reconciliation. <BR>

Scarlet,<BR>Welcome. I am sorry for your pain. My D-day was Feb. 26 and March 27. I say that I have 2 because I found out about the "friendship" on 2/26, but found out the EA on 3/27. <P>I am sorry about your W terminating her pregnancy. I pray that she can get through that. You will have to be supportive to her in that. It is something that never goes away.<P>I am reading SAA now and trying to implement it. You are right, the roller coaster thing sucks! I will start out a day trying to be positive, but then bam! thoughts bombarde me and I wind up wanting to crawl into bed and cry. I never could have imagined how terrible this can be.<P>I originally thought that an EA could not be as bad as PA, but now realize that it can. Briefly, my H had about a 3-4 month EA with a woman with whom he works. I found 2 messages on his cell from her that didn't sound appropriate. At that time he denied any wrong doing. After I found 74 calls on the Jan. cell phone bill statement, he had to admit that there was more. I ordered the last 6 months of bills and received 4 of them yesterday. He does not work in the same area as her anymore and has told her that they are to have no contact. I am hoping that he will switch jobs very soon. A pending surgery is keeping him there right now. Luckily he is in a profession that will enable him to switch jobs pretty easily.<P>He, too, is being very attentive to my needs right now. We went away last weekend w/out our kids. That was great. I was feeling so good, that I thought I could continue on that high. That roller coaster hit again really hard yesterday. I have been extremely depressed since those phone bills came in yesterday. They talked 4x on Christmas Day. <P>Our biggest thing right now is discovering some of my H's hidden emotional needs. Anyway, welcome and I hope that this forum helps you deal with some of your issues. It is a good place to come and vent. Since we, the betrayed spouses, are not supposed to make withdrawals from the love bank we need a place to discuss our sadness.<P>Take care,<BR>Window

[QUOTE]Originally posted by scarlet pumpernickle:<BR>[b]Whew, what a terrible 9 days (D-Day 9 days ago). When I first started reading posts, I wasn't sure what the "roller coaster" thing was all about, now I do. I go from loving her to death, to intense anger at the drop of a dime! AAAAHHHHH. We are working through this, talking, holding etc. She is being very attentive to me. When I'm having an "episode", she asks whats wrong, kisses me or holds me or simply rubs my hand. <BR>Dear Scarlett,<BR>My DDay was 2 weeks ago today. I am a nurse with 2 small children and decided to work on weekends to keep my children from going to daycare, I thought this was the best decision for my family but turned out to be the worst.I had been asking my H to take me away for a long time, and we had never had a honeymoon so we planned a 4 day "honeymoon" in a cabin in the mountains. After a wonderful and loving first day, we went to bed and he was holding me, and I was thinking "everything is going to be alright, just then he said "I love you so much J" (not my name).<BR>I cannot describe the terror.<BR>I have been shaking and having nervous twiches for 2 weeks, and the roller coaster is out of control.<BR>This site was a life saver.<BR>I told him to leave and he did but called me every night wanting to come back. I printed the EN questions and the why affair and how to end affair stuff, he read it and said it made a difference. He confessed that he had planned on continuing the A until he read these.<BR>He told her it was over and she agreed.<BR>I called her and told her I had no reason to ruin her life and not to worry. I feel like she did not make me a promise - he did! She promised it wouldnt happen again and and said sorry. I told her now she had made me a promise and I would feel no regret ruining her life if it happened again.<BR>I tried giving my husband all EN, and much affection, but this has worn thin. It is so painful top see him moping around missing someone else. THESE FEELINGS SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOR ME ALONE.He also was sad that she hasnt tried to contact him- he thought she was so in love with him she couldnt live without him. He said " Im glad I didnt leave now" when I asked why (thinking he would say he didnt want to lose me) he said "cuz then I would have been alone".<BR>I started crying and he said " you want me to be honest but cry when I tell you".<BR>yesterday my anger came through I said some hurtful thing to him just to hurt him.<BR>He would like to ignore everything and never speak of it again, but I want it fixed.<BR>He sold his truck to decrease our monthly bills so I can be home on some weekends, he feels that if we spend time together everything will be better. I dont know. He also sold some one of his collectables to pay for the trip he ruined, this did make me feel a little better.<BR>I am rambling but need incouragement - I cant stop the ugliness in myself from coming out.<BR>please pray for me that I will find dependable child care a day or so a week and that I will live through this without killing him.<BR>thank you in advance for your support.<P>L.<BR>it is obvious to me I dont know how to type this right sorry.<p>[This message has been edited by sadprincess (edited April 04, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by scarlet pumpernickle:<BR>[B]Whew, what a terrible 9 days (D-Day 9 days ago). When I first started reading posts, I wasn't sure what the "roller coaster" thing was all about, now I do<P>Dear Scarlett,<BR>My DDay was 2 weeks ago today. I am a nurse with 2 small children and decided to work on weekends to keep my children from going to daycare, I thought this was the best decision for my family but turned out to be the worst.I had been asking my H to take me away for a long time, and we had never had a honeymoon so we planned a 4 day "honeymoon" in a cabin in the mountains. After a wonderful and loving first day, we went to bed and he was holding me, and I was thinking "everything is going to be alright, just then he said "I love you so much J" (not my name).<BR>I cannot describe the terror.<BR>I have been shaking and having nervous twiches for 2 weeks, and the roller coaster is out of control.<BR>This site was a life saver.<BR>I told him to leave and he did but called me every night wanting to come back. I printed the EN questions and the why affair and how to end affair stuff, he read it and said it made a difference. He confessed that he had planned on continuing the A until he read these.<BR>He told her it was over and she agreed.<BR>I called her and told her I had no reason to ruin her life and not to worry. I feel like she did not make me a promise - he did! She promised it wouldnt happen again and and said sorry. I told her now she had made me a promise and I would feel no regret ruining her life if it happened again.<BR>I tried giving my husband all EN, and much affection, but this has worn thin. It is so painful top see him moping around missing someone else. THESE FEELINGS SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOR ME ALONE.He also was sad that she hasnt tried to contact him- he thought she was so in love with him she couldnt live without him. He said " Im glad I didnt leave now" when I asked why (thinking he would say he didnt want to lose me) he said "cuz then I would have been alone".<BR>I started crying and he said " you want me to be honest but cry when I tell you".<BR>yesterday my anger came through I said some hurtful thing to him just to hurt him.<BR>He would like to ignore everything and never speak of it again, but I want it fixed.<BR>He sold his truck to decrease our monthly bills so I can be home on some weekends, he feels that if we spend time together everything will be better. I dont know. He also sold some one of his collectables to pay for the trip he ruined, this did make me feel a little better.<BR>I am rambling but need incouragement - I cant stop the ugliness in myself from coming out.<BR>please pray for me that I will find dependable child care a day or so a week and that I will live through this without killing him.<BR>thank you in advance for your support.<P><BR>. <P><P>------------------<BR>L.