The flood came last night. I have been pushing it back since I found out. I was so scared that when it came it wouldn't go away. I get so insecure when my H is late or doesn't act just right when we talk. I was feeling pretty low last night and my H fell asleep right after our kids went to bed. To his credit the dr has him on some new muscle relaxers for his back and they knock him out! Well that was all it took. I really felt like I needed to talk with him and have him hold me. I went to the family room and started sobbing uncontrollably. I cried for about 3 hours straight. I would stop for a minute or 2 and then it would just start again. I woke up my H because I truly felt that I was losing it. He tried to wake up, but had a hard time. Finally he held me and calmed me down. I woke up this morning crying again. I cannot even look at him w/out crying. The pain seems unbearable. I feel like I am no good for anyone right now. I prayed for God to just let me die last night. I am certainly not a good mother right now and I am probably just chasing my H away. It seems that I have no purpose. Don't worry, I am not suicidal. I feel very strongly against that. I don't feel like I can go on. I think that my H feels that I am crying to manipulate him and make him feel bad. That is so far from true. I just love him so much and this is so painful. The thoughts of him calling her in the middle of the night, all of the time, bombarde me. How do I ever make those thoughts go away? How does it ever get better? Thanks in advance for the replies. Window

Reading your thread made me cry. It brought back the memories of similar feelings that I have had. <P>I can't remember how long after D day it is for you. I'm 3 mths now and have been upbeat for about 1 week now. I'm not naive I'm still expecting bad times to come. One thing that I found helped is looking after myself. Pamper yourself when you can. If that means a nice quiet bath, going shopping, meeting with friends, whatever it takes. Start feeling good about yourself. You have not done anything wrong. I believe that exercise is also important. One day I was feeling so crappy but had to rush 20 min fast walk to c's office. By the time I got there, the exercise had changed my mood.<P>What you are feeling is normal. I went through it. You will make it and be a stronger person as a result.<P>Take care of yourself.

Thank you, True Blue. It is really only about a week and half since the real D-Day. It's hard to do stuff for myself right now. I have 2 small children and babysit 2 more. It is almost nap time for everyone and I plan on taking a bath. I hope that will help. My H hasn't even called me today and he said he would. I am probably being overly paranoid. It's just that he knew how upset I was this morning and I thought he would have called by now. I thought he was trying to be sweet and understanding, but now he seems distant. Thanks for the advice. I try to exercise, but like I said it can be difficult. <P>I need to go get the kids to bed. Thanks again, Window

Earlier on, my H was not supportive really. He would say he was and I think he was trying but he would be mean, especially when I was down, crying or angry. Then once while we were getting along, I explained to him that what I needed from him was support and caring. To love me inspite of my moods, sorrow and anger. Since then he has been more loving. He'll hug me and reassure me of his love when I'm down. He'll tell me that he hurt me last fall (that's when the A was) but that he will never do that again. That really helps me (even though I'm too scared to really believe it yet). My H also did the not calling when he was supposed to thing. I think he liked seeing me all torn apart because it showed that I cared. I really think that my H didn't expect something like this to hurt me THIS much. He kept wanting me to just get over it and get on with our lives. After he saw the extreme anger in me earlier on he realized how much damage he had done.<P>We are now communicating better than we ever have before and I am hopeful that we will be one of those couples that come out of this stronger than ever. It's really strange, for the past few days I have already even had thoughts of the two of them together.<P>One of the things that needs to happen before healing can begin is that the truth, the whole truth needs to come out. It's then that we can start to heal. This doesn't mean having every last bit of information but to really know what it was about.

My husband is going to think I started this post. Your story is so similar to mine. I too think of dying. I'm not suicidal either. It's just that I would do anything for a little peace. Boy did I take that for granted. i am crying in my office as I type this because I know exactly hoe you feel. The pain is so unbearable at tmes, I want to curl up into a ball and just go away. <P>In my lucid moments I try to take care of myself and my children and him. I do a good job faking it most of the time. When I can't I just find a place to cry at homeor in the bathroom here at the office. Reading is helpful but the tears always seem to get in the way. I've been reading After the Affair for 8 weeks (dday)I ususally finish the books I read in a matter of days. I started His Needs, Her Needs this week. I had to put it down when it got to the part of how the A happened. They were just good friends at first...gag!!!!!<P>Hang in there window. I'll pray for you. Be strong this weekend!<P>

"Does it ever stop hurting?"<P>I guess so, but I'm still waiting... <P>It's been 8 months since D-day and I'm still on somewhat of a day to day basis. I guess it's all my fault though... I started this whole thing with an A back in...1994?...short-lived and stupid. Worst mistake I ever made. After about 5 years of putting up with H's verbal abuse and hell, things finally started looking up. Two years later, he's the one having the A and I'm the one forgiving...karma, I guess. Problem is, I was much better at "being forgiveable", if that makes any sense.<P>Am trying to make it work (we have 15 years of marriage and 4 children together), but it is still an almost daily struggle for me. We have been to counseling (initally), but only for 2 sessions and then H decided it was enough. (after all, he's admitted it, he's sorry and he won't do it again...) He doesn't want me to go on my own either because of the expense. I was on prozac for about 2 months but went off because of side effects. I would like to go back on the meds now but H doesn't want me to. He thinks I shouldn't have to be on medication to be able to live with him--doesn't want to be married to a prozac junkie) Talking to him about my feelings just makes him defensive and mad. Talking to family/friends about it is no good either. Basically I'm feeling very lost with no where to turn. A couple of you have talked about feeling (or not feeling) suicidal. I've been there too. I still have "suicidal fantasies" but I don't think I could ever follow through because of all the pain it would cause my children.<P>I think I do love my H still, but I just keep wondering if it is enough--there are so many other issues involved.<P>After 8 months, I WILL say that it has gotten easier. The thoughts of the A my H had come much less frequently. Usually there is some external trigger, but not always--sometimes it's just all in my head. I am finally able to work through my feelings without needing to vent or talk them through with him. Progress, I guess... <P>I must say that he IS trying (in as much as he is able to--he's still quite defensive and never has been the "sharing" type--at least not with me)...I just wonder if it is too late for me. I feel like I have nothing left to give. I still perservere and will continue to. <P>I probably should post more...give more details, but I'm not ready. I just hope that somehow someone can help me, and maybe I can help someone else as well.<P>I've never posted to a message board before. I could use all the help/support I can get.<P>--sadmonkey <P>

What you are going through sounds so similar to the things that I felt. I also thought that the pain was almost unbearable. I remember praying that I could die also. Those who had been through this before told me that things would get better in time, and they were right. I know that is hard for you to believe now, as it was for me. I can remember feeling like, as you say, I was about to lose it. I don't know if the hurt ever goes away. It hasn't yet. (It's been about five months). But I don't pray to die anymore. I do pray more often in a positive way, and that helps. I don't have any answers, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone and give whatever encouragement I could.

Thank you all for your replies, support, and prayers. I am having a good weekend. My H came home early on Friday because he knew how upset I was. We left the kids w/my mom yesterday and ran errands and hit some golf balls together. We had friends over for dinner last night and we went and bought flowers for the garden this morning. He went golfing this afternoon with a couple of guy friends. He said he wasn't going to go, he didn't want to leave me. I knew he really wanted to go, though, so I told him to go ahead. One stipulation-be prepared to spend quality time with me tonight for a couple of hours before the week starts. It's when he is at work that I get really upset. The OW works where he works. They don't run across each other very much, but I cannot stand him being there. <P>I haven't posted all weekend because I have busy and I also didn't want him to get upset that I was on here. I don't hide it from him, but he feels a little that it brings up the memories more. <P>When he leaves the house, I start to feel so insecure. He has sworn to me that he will never call her again or do anything like this again, but I cannot help being completely paranoid. I know that it is normal, but I hate it, nonetheless.<P>I can relate that our H's do not expect it to hurt us so much. I was right, he admitted that he thought I was trying to manipulate him Thursday night when I was crying uncontrollably. He said that I wouldn't tell him what was wrong so he could help me. I told him that I just wanted him to hold me. He said that he didn't know that because I couldn't tell him. We took the EN test. I read him the explanation of Affection. I told him how important it is to me. He is doing so good at it now. I hope that it continues. <P>I know that there are still rough days ahead. I am back on my Celexa. Anyone who didn't like the side effects of Prozac, ask your dr about Celexa. It is mild and doesn't have side effects (none that I have experienced). I was really worried about feeling numb, but that doesn't happen. I kind of feel like it helps me take a deep breath and relax better. I don't think that your H has a right to tell you not to take meds. My H reminds me to take it now. I told him that the more depressed I got the more I forgot to take it. He asks me before I get into to bed if I have taken my Celexa.<P>It's good to know that I am not alone in wishing for death. I guess we're just asking for a reprieve in the massive pain that our spouses caused us. I asked God to forgive me for wishing death upon myself. I know it is wrong, but the pain gets so intense. I said once before about suicide, that it's not an option for me because my brother committed suicide when I was 4. My family has never been the same. I don't tell my family about this. They would hate my H. His family would probably blame me. <P>I have been praying for all of us in this situation. I ask God to give us peace and a forgiving heart. God bless all of you. <P>Love,<BR>Window<P>

Window, you sound very similar to me. It has been 3 months for us and I still can't stand it when he goes to work. I'm doing ok when he is home (most of the time) but the minute he leaves, I start imagining stuff. <P>What helps me with this is that he calls me at least once every day from work and also calls me when he is leaving work. I know how long it takes to get home, so he can't really go anywhere else without getting the 3rd degree when he get home! If he forgets to call me, then I call him.<P>He doesn't have the right to tell you not to take medication. You are hurting. I have never, ever felt this kind of pain before in my life. Without medication, I would die from it, I'm sure. (or at least go insane) I wanted to die at first, thats for sure.<P>I think my husband didn't think this would hurt me as much as it did. Sound familiar? What gave them that idea, I wonder? I've sure never felt that way about him -- that I could screw around and it wouldn't hurt him. <P>As far as your original question, Does it ever stop hurting?? I don't know. I sure hope so. It certainly is less now than it was at the beginning. At the beginning it was really a physical pain, that doubled me over and made me vomit. I cried constantly. Now, I feel sad a lot of times, but a lot of times I am happy as well. There are time when I have triggers and cry and need reassurance and so on but they are much less than at the beginning. <P>Oh yes, one more thing. The OW in my situation is also a co-worker. My H was able to transfer to another site so that they would not see each other. Is that an option for your H? It has really helped me. <P>I'm sorry this happened to you. I am praying for you.<P>

You know it is very concerning to read letters from people who are still in pain eight months later. Yuch! I know this takes time, it's been only 10 weeks for me now. We do not live in the same household and I am wondering if things will ever really return to normal.<P>I get so irritated with the little things he does. He likes to tease other women, just a joking kind of kidding around. Right now, I have no tolerance of this. I look at other women and think, "Well, does he want her". <P>He did tell me that after getting away from her and thinking about the whole situation he realizes it was "Just Sex" Now I am not stupid, after many years of marriage ours is not new and exciting. Is this going to happen again? Now that he's experienced the "rush" is he going to go there again? He says he will do what he can to ever keep it from happening again. How in the world can you believe in them again? <P>I am a yo yo. One day, it looks like its good. The next, I am thinking about how I am going to make it on my own. What is wrong? I've heard people say that "When the time to end is right you will know it? I've also read that there is a window of time and leaving needs to be done during this time. I definitely know two things right now. Number one, I don't want my marriage to end and Number two I don't know if I can live with what he's done. <P>Sounds like a mess. I certainly am. Oh, by the way I had to get off the prozac. Made me nauseated in the mornings and I felt worse than before. Window I'll ask the doctor about your Meds.

I understand about the physical pain of this. It makes me nauseous (sp?), have difficulty breathing, etc. <P>Frootloops, my H's A was an EA, that took place mostly on the cell phone. So, I understand counting the minutes that it takes him to get home, but I am constantly thinking, "Is he calling her?" I know that he knows that I check his phone everyday and he knows that I will look at the bill with a fine tooth comb, so I don't think he will use that phone to call her. <P>As for transferring, he cannot. It would be extremely easy for him to get a new job, but right now we're waiting to find out if he needs back surgery. I want him out of that place so badly, but realistically if he needs surgery he needs to stay there for the illness leave benefits. They no longer work on the same floor and he tells me if they so much as pass each other in the hall. She knows that if she contacts him again, I will call her H and tell all. I think that may stop her. I hope.<P>K9, it doesn't seem very sensitive of your H to still be teasing other women when he knows how much this hurts you. My H has always been a flirt, but I think he is really aware of how his actions effect me right now. Of course I am not at work with him, so it could be the same as usual there for all I know. <P>He just left for work. I want today to be a good day. I have so much to do today. I hope that fear, insecurity, pain doesnt' come.<P>K9 you wrote, "He did tell me that after getting away from her and thinking about the whole situation he realizes it was "Just Sex" Now I am not stupid, after many years of marriage ours is not new and exciting. Is this going to happen again? Now that he's experienced the "rush" is he going to go there again? He says he will do what he can to ever keep it from happening again. How in the world can you believe in them again? "<P>I know we have been married much less time, but I worry about him wanting the rush, also. I have been trying to be more daring and spontaneous for him lately just so that is something he doesn't have to get outside of our marriage. I know it is making him happy. I still don't know what need the OW was meeting for him, though, so I don't know how to fix that. I guess it was a combination of admiration and conversation. <P>The baby is awake. Take care all. I hope we all have a good Monday!<P>Window<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by window:<BR><B><P> I still don't know what need the OW was meeting for him, though, so I don't know how to fix that. I guess it was a combination of admiration and conversation. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Could the telephone conversations have been seen by him as Recreation? <P>If so, then she might have been filling another need — that of Recreational Companionship, which could then make it three out of ten i.e. Admiration, Conversation and Recreational Companionship.<P>Clyde<P>

I wonder when I will stop feeling like i just found out. it's been about 2 months and the pain and sickness I feel are the same as that night.<P>I am sitting in my office, looking at this screen. It is so blurry I just want to put my head down and cry. I will not give in to taking medciation although it would probably help. <P>He (WS) is trying to be as supportive of my feelings as possible. It is hard for him because he is going through withdrawal. I want to comfort but he won't let me. So I continue trying to get through every day the best I can. <P>For all of you out there reading and not posting, I feel for you so deeply. I hope it helps to know that you are not going crazy and that there are many people who are experiencing the devastation that you feel.<P>I pray for us all. Especially fo the young family of the OW. they have two small children who need their parents to be together. I feel guilt becaus eof my part in destroying their lives. I know I was not responsible for the decision my husband made to betray me, but I could have met his EN's better. I could have cared when I knew I wasn't making hm happy. I wish he had talked to me then. Maybe that would have helped head off this horrible situation.<P>Sooooooooooo tired of all this right now. I Would give anything for a few hours of peace. I love this man with my heart and soul. I will keep trying to save us and our family.<P>God bless you all.<p>[This message has been edited by breakingslowly (edited April 09, 2001).]

Clyde, that is a good thought. I will have to think about that. It was a kind of game to him, I know, so it could have been meeting his recreational need in that sense. Thanks for the thought.<P>Breakingslowly, it sounds like you're having a really bad day. I am sorry for your intense pain. I know how it feels. I wish you would allow yourself the medication. Maybe you could ask your dr for a 4 month supply or something that would make you feel like you cannot have it indefinitely. <P>I took my kids to the park this morning. It was wonderful. It is a beautiful day. The sunshine and fresh breeze is exactly what I needed. I know that you're at work, could you take a break outside? Yesterday I planted flowers in my flower bed. It's the first time I have ever planted anything. It felt great. <P>As for withdrawal, my H claims that he has never experienced any withdrawal from the OW. He is being really supportive now that we have taken the EN test and he realizes how important affection is to me. It makes him feel better, I think, to know that I don't want my problem solved, I just want him to hold me sometimes. It is hard for him to see my pain because he cannot stand to know he caused it.<P>Anyway, take care all. I hope that you start feeling a little better. I hope that my good mood last for a while, too.<P>Window<P>

It does get better...I promise. It's been three years now for us and the pain is gone. Now, if I "go back there" and concentrate and dwell on it, I can dig the pain back up, but why would I want to do that? I well remember the feelings of it just being too hard and wanting to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and never come out again. I don't feel that way any more.<P>What I'm saying here is that healing is part time, part effort. At some point....and for most of you this point is still a few months in the future....you have to decide not to hurt any more. You have to face the truth...the affair happened and you can't change that....and face the demon head on and put it out of your life. I know this seems impossible right now....and that's okay. You will be able to do it when the time is right. <P>I suggest that all of you get the book After the Affair by Janis Spring and check out the chapter that lists the physiological effects of an affair on the wounded spouse. You will see that the nausea, lack of appetite, interrupted sleep patterns, inability to concentrate, overwhelming fear and paranoia, and a whole list of other things is normal. I know you don't want to be normal, but you are. I remember crying when I read the list because I finally knew I wasn't going crazy.<P>For those who have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I encourage you to turn fully to Him right now. For those who don't....I encourage you to consider seeking him out. I found trememdous comfort and direction in my faith...God particularly spoke to me through the devotional book Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby.<P>I also found help in writing down my thoughts and making lists of the things I was angry about and the positives in my marriage since the affair was revealed and ended. This helps to process those thoughts that seem to take over your mind and keep you in confusion. <P>Tell your spouses what you need from them in this process. As much as we want them to, they aren't going to "just know" what to do to help you. And for most of us, the new habits we need to learn to heal and strengthen our marriages aren't going to "take" with one try. It is going to take reminders and effort for a while, but you can both make it.<P>Talking about the affair is important....it helps to dissect it and remove its power from your lives. But it is equally important to have some fun and dream of a happy future. You can cling to the dreams when times get tough. <P>This is a crisis that is not only survivable, it is one that you can triumph over. It is within your power to rebuild a marriage that will be magnificent and fulfilling for both spouses. And, no, you don't give credit to the affair for that, you give credit to God and each other for staying the course when it would have been easier to run.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thank you for the encouragement, HG. I am feeling pretty good still. The problem I have now is not wanting to leave my H's side. I had a meeting I should have gone to last night, but I just couldn't make myself go. I wanted to stay home with him. I didn't feel like he would call her, I only wanted to be with him because that is when I feel the best. Is that normal? My meetings are important but not mandatory. The company I work with encourages us to put our family before our career and that is what I feel I am doing. After my H being gone to work all day, I don't want to spend the rest of the evening away from him.<P>I agree about the effort of getting past the A. I am really forcing myself not to think about the phone calls. When I start picturing the bills and how often they talked, I drive myself crazy. I am trying to think of our good times now. I cannot think back to good times of the last 4 months, though. Thanksgiving, Christmas, building a snowman, going 4-wheeling on the ice, are all tainted by the thought of his deception at that time. I have to stop thinking like that. I can feel myself going down. <P>Take care and God bless,<BR>Window

Yes, I believe not wanting to be apart from your husband is normal. My husband and I didn't spend one night apart for over a year after the revelation and end of his affair. He was scheduled to attend a men's weekend conference at our church about 8 or 10 weeks after the revelation. I was in support of the idea until the actual week it was to take place. I got more and more anxious and finally told him I just couldn't bear for him to go. It wasn't because I didn't trust him....he was going to work on his relationship with God there....it was because I just couldn't bear to sleep alone and be apart from him. Being separated by work every day was hard enough.<P>There will come a time when you will be able to view the time of the affair and not measure it by what you didn't know. You will be able to look back and not experience the pain. It is going to take time, effort and love to reach that point, though. Stay focused on the positive and concentrate on getting through each day right now. Trying to see too far into the future is frustrating because it is such a small speck on the horizon. By concentrating on the day before you, you will be surprised at how quickly the future comes into view.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I am really glad to know that I am not abnormal by not wanting to be away from him. Tonight he had 2 softball games and I had an appointment. He isn't even home yet. I know he is where he said he was, though. I really miss him, though. Normally, I would be asleep by now, but I can't go to sleep until he is here.<P>I am having a hard time knowing what to tell people. One of the leaders of the group meeting I was supposed to go to last night was asking me what happened. I told her after this all started that I was going through something and was having a tough time dealing with it. Today she asked if I wanted to talk about it and I told her I really couldn't. She is a friend, but I don't want to tell her. I've told a couple of people and I feel like that is enough. I just don't know what to say when people can see a change in me. I definitely have days when it is really obvious.<P>This is how bad I have gotten. My little boy's 4th b-day is on Easter this year. We are having a party the day before. I made really cute invitations and never sent them out. I have been trying to call people this week and tell them about the party and what a ditz I am for forgetting to send the invitations. So now all of these perfect Moms are thinking that I don't care about my kids b-day. Blah! I have always been somewhat forgetful, but I am really bad now.<P>I understand about the church trip. My H has a golf tournament coming up in June that is 3 days. I am already dreading it. I want him to be able to do stuff that he wants, but you're right, I cannot handle him being gone. Is it fair to ask him not to go to something that would be so much fun for him? <P>I appreciate your advice, HG. Have you read Psalm 31? It is not completely relevent to us, but it basically asks God for strength. I have been reading every morning during my prayers. I think it is a good way to start the day.<P>God bless,<BR>Window

I never thought I would be posting a message, usually just like to read. I can relate to almost every message posted in this topic and would like to tell my story in order to possibly help someone else heal a little faster. It's been 3 months since my D-Day and I remember the physical pain like it was yesterday. It was a heck of a diet plan, too. I was suddenly forced to fight for what was suppose to already be mine. It was almost instinctive. I could not let her win. That focus helped for a couple weeks. It MADE me take care of myself. I wanted to look and act the best I could so he would choose me. The suicidal thoughts were there as well, but quickly vanished when I looked at my daughter. There was no way I would do that to her. About 3 weeks in to it, the anger set in. It was so intense. I wanted to "punish" the OW and it was going to involve lots of pain and blood! This lasted a long time and still sneaks up on me now and then. It's been a long road of ups and downs but I think I have grown so much and have learned to have more compassion for others as a result. What has helped me is trying to put myself in their place. I think about the OW and I know she is living her life with more stress and guilt than I could ever cause her through any retaliation. She knows I know and could drop the dime to her husband at anytime. Plus, she has to live with the guilt of betraying her own husband and the guilt of causing her friend (my husband) so much trouble. If she is a descent person, which I believe she is, these things are likely to be the case. As for my husband, I believe he was at an all-time low in his life and just wasn't strong enough to resist. He doesn't like his job, was not close to his family, our debt was getting way out of hand and I was not there for him emotionally. Since my daughter was born 2 years ago I have given her 100 percent of my attention. I thought that was what a good mother was supposed to do. I was too tired to do anything for him. I am in NO WAY blaming myself for his affair, just saying that I understand where his mind was and my role in that. I believe my husband is a good person who did a stupid thing and I don't necessarily want to trade him in for what's behind door number 2, cause who knows what that might bring. I have CHOSEN to keep him in my life and to help him overcome this low period of his. If things don't work out, at least I know I did my best. Thanks for listening!

Brawner,<P>I just want to comment that your post "It does get better..." was one of the kindest, most practical and uplifting things I have read here. Thank you for making the day, I'm sure, of anyone who reads it.<P><BR>Robyn