My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have three children, one from a previous marriage of hers and two of our own. A couple of weeks ago I learned that I was in a state of denial for the last several years of our marriage. I thought things were okay. Sure, my wife would have her moments (yelling, crying, getting upset), but they would pass and I would continue thinking everything was okay. We had a huge fight on a Thursday and on Friday she finally came out and finally told me all of what I was doing wrong. I didn’t listen to her; I was not working enough, my attitude, etc. All weekend long I tried to talk to her and let her know that I WAS LISTENING NOW. I was listening and I was paying attention to what she was saying. I sincerely apologized I don’t know how many times. I told her that I was completely unaware of how I had been acting and that it ends now. I even made an appointment with a marriage counselor for the following Wednesday. She wasn’t planning on going to the meeting with me. Long story short, I was spending the night at a friend’s house and came home and caught her in bed with another man. I had told her when we first got together that if she ever wanted to get rid of me that was the way to do it. After I got him out of the house and was yelling and screaming at her a calm came over me like I’ve never experienced before. I asked if she was trying to get rid of me and she said no. She said that she had been feeling “numb inside” and was just trying to “feel something”. I told her that I still loved her very much and that I still wanted to work things out, that I would not hold this against her and that we didn’t need to talk about it again. I regret telling her the last thing, because she is holding me to it. The past couple of weeks have been the best of our whole marriage. We are getting along now better than we ever have. We talk, we take baths together, we have had the best, most fulfilling sex that we’ve ever had, it’s been wonderful. I know for a fact that this was the first time that they had ever “gotten together”, that it was a friendship that went too far, this I know. And, I can get over the fact that it happened. I really can. What I am having a very difficult time dealing with is that is their friendship still going on? Is she calling him while she’s at work? Is he meeting her out when she goes out for a drink after work with a friend of hers from work (which she’s only done once since this has happened)? I am just paranoid as anything. I leave work and drive past my house when she’s off work, I also check nearby parking lots thinking that he wouldn’t dare park in front of the house. I know in my heart that nothing is going on, it’s just my brain that’s having a hard time settling down. The last thing I want to do is push her away by giving her an inquisition every time she leaves the house or by continually bring up the subject. We are both in counseling, however, she has told me that she does not want to discuss that night with the counselor, I wish that she would just discuss it with me, maybe she will after time. I just need to learn to trust her, I just don’t know how. <P>Sorry this was so long. If you were interested to read this far and you have any advice or if you’ve been where I am now, any suggestions would be helpful. I love my wife very very much and I just want to get this all behind us.<P>Thank you,<P>JS

JS,<BR>Yes I have been there and still am. My wife had an emotional affair that I found out about 7 weeks ago. Things were getting real bad up to that point. Since I found out, through some snooping on the computer, we have not uttered one word about it. She told me they were good friends and that she was just confused about us and that he was there for her when I wasn't. <P>Our relationship has gotten much better since then, but she still is not certain if she loves me. I too believe that there was nothing more to their "friendship" but I have a hard time trusting her. We have been married for 10 years and known each other for more than 12. It took a long time to establish the trust that she broke and I assume it will take a long time to repair. I am keeping my guard up while I acknowledge that I must also change the way I behave in my marriage. I think she still calls him, but they don't see each other. I am paranoid also(checking times on receipts when she goes shopping???) and I can't help it. It has gotten less and less over the last couple of weeks and I hope that eventually it will fade away, but for now I am trying to not feel guilty about it and just say that it is a natural response to a bad situation. <P>I am sorry that your life had to take such a terrible twist. I know that when I found out I was devastated. I can't imagine if I found out the way you did. You must have a very strong will-I think I would have killed him. I definitely know that he would not have left my house unharmed. <P>Good luck to you and keep posting<P>

I am sorry for your pain and I agree that you made a big mistake by not talking about everything. You cannot just forget about it. She had sex with another man in your home and in your bed. She greatly disrespected you. She needs to cut off all communications with this man immediately. If you do not discuss this event it will build up within you and will eventually eat you up inside. She needs to to earn your respect after what she has done. I wish you luck.

JS,<BR>As for your question on trust, let me start with something a very wise man once told me. Trust is not something you give. It is something that is earned. Trust will be a product of your W’s actions. At first you will not believe any thing she tells you, you will second-guess her every move, and she will need to be accountable to you for every minute of her time. If she sticks to a no contact rule “which hasn’t been established yet” and you both change your relationship you will begin to believe her most of the time. i.e. you think, yes I guess she is telling me the truth. Eventually “if she changes her ways” your first though will not be that she’s lying but rather that she is actually doing what she says. <P>It’s a long road, take it from someone who has been at it a relatively short time “6 months”, You are in shock right now, Denial even. But the bottom line is that you can get through this and your marriage can be better than you ever thought possible. <P>Have you checked out NSR’s post of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>general welcome?</A> <BR>If not check it out, It is full of valuable information. Start you’re plan A. Get the books SAA and HN/HN.<P>The only other useful information I can give you is this, call the Harley’s and schedule an appointment. It’s money well spent.<P>Welcome to MB, for your sake I wish you were not here. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, keep coming the people here can help. We have all been where you are, and I continue to find it reassuring that there is always someone who has been where I’m going, and willing to help.<P>The recovery group and general questions have many more visitors you may want to check them out and put up a post there.<P>Hang in there and God Bless<P>oswald<P><p>[This message has been edited by oswald (edited April 08, 2001).]

Wow. You are a better man than me. Some guy kissed my wife and she let him. Long story. if interested see is a kiss just a kiss. And seeing that almost through me into a rage. If i came home to find my wife in bed with someone.....i would probably be serving some time behind bars. Atleast the guy would be leaving with a few inches less than what he came in with. Keep strong and forsure talk this out with your wife. I have been able to talk alot about what happened with us; but when i think about it, it still kills me. And this was only a drunken kiss. If your situation happened to me; my wife would be on the street. good luck