I have been married 10 years and my 11th anniversary is coming up at the end of this month. I found out a month ago that my wife has been unfaithful to me with three different guys over this period of time. All three people where church people who I had warned her about were bad news. We have been pillars in the church with alot of people looking up to us all this time.<P>In 1994 I had learned that she had gone on a trip with the guy and other friends and that the guy put his hand on her butt. By the time I found out the guy had left the state. He had sex in my own bed. Back then I confronted her and she denied the whole thing. Well, last month she began to tell me one affair at a time to see if I would dump her. When I didn't she told me what happen with the second guy.<P>In 1998 there was an assistant pastor who very soon I found out was the devil incarnate. He began to attack me behind my back and when I went to her for support she made me feel like I was paranoid. Last month she also told me that she had oral sex with this scum while he was here. Oral sex with my enemy. I am so pissed! The guy is out of here as well and I have these angry feelings that won't go away.<BR>Well after that one I had enough and kicked her out of the house to her sisters. But that night I could not sleep and it was the loneliest night of my life. <P>My children girl(10) boy (3) were staying with her. The next morning I picked her up for church and after I tried to get her to come back she confessed to the current affair with a guy in church who I had helped who is renting an apartment above my father in law. This guy is a convicted child molester(molested boy of other women he was with, whom he had cheated on his wife). I guess he had showned her some papers he fabricated indicating that he had been falsely accused. Once he got her confidence he began to call her 3 times a day and meeting her at shopping malls and grocery stores.<P>Since he acted like a gentleman she thought she could control the situation. Well after going to his apartment several times he made his move and the rest is history.<BR>When I found out I took her with me and went to his apartment to kill him. I am a martial arts expert so I know how to do it. Amazingly when I walked in I felt this peace and calmness I had never experience, maybe I was in denial and shock. Once I told this individual that I was going to fight for my marriage he stepped back. My wife told him in front of me that she wanted him and not me. Somehow that did not click on my brain right away. Well in the end all the promises that he had made her about wanting everybody to know about the affair was a lie. Once She saw that she had been played she went balistic saying that she lost it all for him. My kids are safe he only dishonored my bed and bathroom twice and my kid was sleeping. But still, what the hell was she thinking?<P>Over the course of our marriage she has tried suicide several times. We are going for counseling and she was reffered to a psychiatrics for her depression. I am 33 and she is 31. The last two guys she was with were married with children and had sexual deviant behaviors. I taught she would not be stupid but I guess I underestimated the power of a guys speech.<P>I feel like a fool. Everyone taught we had the model marriage. All the opportunities I had to be unfaithful and because of my beliefs I did not do it. While she was searching for her souldmate I taught I was married to mine.<BR>After I found out We went to church and there was a prayer session. We both cried uncontrollaby. Now I decided to give her another chance but do not know if it was the right decision. I still love her very much and am seeing a change in her.<P>To my knowldedge to date she has not been in contact with the other man. She seems sincere but it seems that my marriage was a lie.<BR>Her father does not speak to her though he is grateful I did not dishonor her(though he gave me permission to beat her up something I would never do). Of all of his kids who had broken marriages he was proud of his daughter and never would had thought she was capable of this. My mom does not want to know anything about her and the church is angry that all the work that we did has been affected by this sin.<BR>As for me I never went out with my friends, I took her places, bought her a house, supported her in everyhing she did and gave her freedom. Though she knows I don't lie to her long ago she decided that what others told her was more credible than my word. I am a good preacher though now I can't seem to be able to put two sentences together since my confidence has been shattered.<P>Sex has always been great for us and it seems like it has not been affected by this. She is being tested for STD's. I do see that she is trying hard and since I come from a broken home I want my children to have a united family.<BR>The problem that I am having now is all of these images of these guys having sex with her are in my head and won't stop. I am mad of all the lies she made to accomplish her deception. I want to believe that her efforts are sincere but I am afraid of being hurt again. I never taught that infidelity would be the most painful experience I would have to endure in my life. I would had prefered a divorce or sudden death prior to the affairs-at least I would still have felt like a man or die with some dignity.<P>Like I said before, she is trying but I don't know if I can deal with the pain, the anger and the images. I still have homocidal taughts towards the last two guys. I will try to put the last guy in jail since he had sex in my house in my bed while my son was in the house sleeping.<BR>Sorry for the long post. I hope somebody is out there that can help me.

Chakyl,<BR>First let me start by telling you that I’m sorry for your pain. We know too well that unbearable feeling your having right now. <P>Relax, and try to stay calm. “I know difficult” <P>The most important thing I can tell you at this point is this. Don’t and I mean don’t do anything rash, don’t make any life altering decisions for a while. You are in shock and emotional, decisions made today in haste may not be what you want long term and may affect your recovery and well being. <P>You have told some people already, tell no more, until you have decided what you need and what you want.<P>Start your Plan A, today.<P>Please see NSR’s post of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank> General welcome</A>. NSR has compiled some very good information, it will help you come to terms with what you’re facing. Try to get an understanding of the concepts around here.<P>I strongly recommend a phone session with one of the Harley’s. <P>Also there are several very good books out there. Surviving an Affair, available here, and Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder, available at Amazon or your Christian bookstore. I highly recommend both. They will give you a much deeper understanding of how and why these things can happen. More important, how and why they happen to good people.<P>What ever you do don’t act out any violence towards these people or your wife. No Good can come of it Chakyl.<P>You can get through this, God will see to it.<P>You are no longer alone, this site is full of people who know just what you’re facing, we are there also, so keep coming and asking questions<P>oswald<BR><p>[This message has been edited by oswald (edited April 09, 2001).]

I know what you are going through, My wife and I were considered happily married at our church to until I found out she had an affair with some idiot that We felt sorry for because his wife had left him. Of course he always was telling everybody hoe spirtual he was, What a crock of sh*t. Unless you see a change in her spirtual life you can pretty much be sure that she will do it again. I hope not for your sake because the pain is unbearable. Good luck and remember no matter what God is always faithful<BR>

I've been posting in the emotional category and this one. Someone told me to post here first. <P>First of all I want to thank you all for taking the time to give me advice and the support that I desperately needed. I had to turn to this forum because I sense that every one at church does not know how to deal with this situation and are afraid to call not knowing what to say. I'm glad I stopped by. One couple that went through a similar experience is helping us as best as they can but they are so busy at times that we can't reach them at times. I told my wife to also find support on this website.<P>I have gone over my life and marriage many times over trying to find answers and am still perplexed. I know that I am not perfect and I could had done better at paying attention to details but the problem was that when she said something it was too general and when I tried to probe deeper the information wasn't there. It was as if I had to guess all the time. Everyone else knew how she felt about things but me.<P>I made too many sacrifices in my marriage. I used go places with her and the kids but I also stayed with them so that she could have a little freedom. I thought I was being considerate but she saw it as if I did not want to spend time with her. What saddens me also is that the church is very hurt over this. We were so involved and crucial in the work of God. I had tried to help this last individual and this is how he repaid me. I will call his parole officer tomorrow because he had sex with my wife in my bed while my son was sleeping in his room.<P>If anyone would have asked about my treatment of her they would had said I had her on a pedestal. Unfortunately she twisted every good deed that I would do for her. When I bought the house I could not buy it in both our names because she had bad credit and they advised me not to include her. Instead of being grateful she never let up about the housing saying that it was my house and not hers. This always saddened me and I would tell her. Her motto became, Victor gets what victor wants. When I begged her to get clothes or anything for herself she would buy things for everyone else. She then would say that she did not feel worthy on spending money on herself and that she would feel guilty if she did. I never could win.<P>Finally in 1998 I realized that I was in a dead marriage and all my efforts were in vain. I came to the conclusion that maybe I did not love her. I stuck it out though. At the end of last year though I resorted to waste my time on the net to kill time. Heck, she didn't care about me. All she cared about was that when I was done I would go to bed so that her spider nightmare would not attack her(most nights she would wake up screaming that she was being attacked.) I called it guilt.<P>As I said before, One day I awoke from my slumber and fasted and prayed. I said, I am going to make one last effort to save my marriage. I magnified my romance 20fold from before. However, I noticed that it was backfiring. She began with statements like "I don;t know what love is" or "all men are cheaters and dogs" Before that she would say "Oh I know you would never cheat" I noticed that she was getting intense headaches and she confessed once to taking 10 pills of her seizure medication.<P>She never expected that I would be so positive towards her even though she tried to pull away from me. I even joined her at ther jogging which she had taken up to release some stress. She had mentioned that it was the only thing in her life she felt that she had control. I guess I didn't help by absorbing every free moment she had with me when of course she was not witht the OM. <P>It seems that the OM when he was told of my actions began to compete with me. He defiled my bed my shower and everything he could. I would write a poem to my wife and he would plagiarize a song and read it to my wife. He even told her that he wished he had my house and he was the father of my kids, mind you he has two kids with his current wife and one on the way. Also he has another kid with the woman he left his wife for before who would later put him in jail for molesting her other son.<P>I am so disgusted by these men and for my wife's lack of respect for herself and for everyone else. I know I am probably repeating myself but I feel I need to get it all out.<P>I know that she is trying real hard now. Sometimes I wonders if is because she doesn't want me to take the kids. You are right, I have to let go. Last Saturday I was asked to preach a 10 minute sermon. I preached about the prodigal son and how everyone sometimes cannot see the goodness of the father. Leaves and when they hit rock bottom have no alternative but to look up to that father that we denied. I was so sad preaching I almost cried. The whole congregation was sad. They all want me to become active again but it is hard. I have always preached about what is on my heart and I don't want to bring my personal life into the pulpit. To think that my last three sermons where about overcoming temptation not knowing that the devil was doing just fine destroying me thorough my wife.<P>Since it all began My wife stops by my job 3 times a week and we have lunch together. We talk we kiss and sometimes even make love to an extent. But the current situation sometimes over clouds those good moments. Most moments I am spaced out in la la land and she doesn't understand that my pain will last a long time. I do see a change in her though she has always been a master of deceit. I will definetely try plan A but if she contacts the OM its over. I do not agree with a spouse constant abuse after an affair is discovered. <P>I do believe she liked the thrill of the romance and being courted. Our sex life has always been great and I was always very confident of my manhood. Although she claims (after me asking) that they were very small, I still feel inadequate as a man. There are certain positions that I know she likes that now I seem to loose my erection while performing them.<P>Sorry for the sex comments. I just wanted to point out that this is affecting me psychologically. As a child she was abused sexually by other family members. She always told me that she always felt that to get love she had to give sex but I never thought she would get her love elsewhere.<P>I am going to ride this one out and see how far it takes me. If she falls again, then like Dr. Harley says, I would loose so many love units that I would be able to proceed with the next step knowing that I least I tried and gave it my all. Please keep me in your prayers. I never thought I could bear this if It happened to me, but God is giving me strenght to withstand it. I hope I do not loose heart and I hope that she overcomes.

Well I’m seeing some similarity, I too had my W on a pedestal, It became very difficult for her to live up too. As far as her twisting every good thing you’ve done into a bad thing and taking the attitude that all men are dog’s etc. don’t take it to heart. It is/was truly the fog talking. It somehow becomes a defense mechanism to make what they are doing more bearable to themselves. <P>I’m starting to see some advancement/acceptance in your post. That is what helped me so much in the beginning. Accepting that while I did not make that awful decision to stray, my lack of awareness and some of my actions certainly helped to feed into it. Don’t misunderstand me the BS is not responsible, for the ultimate decision, that falls solely on the WS, but accepting a part in what led to it does help and it is only right. <P>I know that you are concerned with the church and the affects that this is having on the people around you. But try to distance yourself from that, the only really important thing right now is your marriage. Everything else will work out.<P>Believe me I completely understand what you’re saying about any continued contact will make you toss in the towel, but remember this important fact. As hard as it is for you to fathom, you are the sane one in the relationship right now. Your wife is and has been in a fantasyland. Any normal person would see this character for what he is. She is caught up in a web that she has no control over at this point. Don’t give up on her just yet, she needs you. This early in the game she has absolutely no concept for what she has done, thus she doesn’t understand your pain. God willing she will get there, but she has reprogrammed her whole mindset, she probably spent months telling herself you were doing it also and may still believe that somewhere down deep. My wife, who I consider a good Christian to this day, got so fogged in that she thought everyone did it, she was confused and mistaken, but at the time that is how she justified it. <P>Don’t worry about the sex comments, it’s a valid part of what we have to deal with. I’ve been in the same situation. Men tend to dwell on the sexual side of an affair, woman dwell on the love. Just try not to let it become such a problem that sex becomes an issue. If you have to stop, stop. If you want to wait, wait. I know this may sound a bit seedy but I was once told to treat her like a sex toy in the beginning to get through. Don’t worry about her satisfaction just worry about yours. Again, yes that sounds seedy but I’ve done it and it’s worked some of the time. <P>As far as the emotional group? I’ve never been there. I typically hang out in the recovery group because there is more activity, but stop by here once in a while since it is where I started.<P>As for calling the parole officer, I certainly won’t tell you what to do. But have you considered this? Knowing that breaking contact is a difficult thing to do in the early stages you may want to use this as motivation. Threaten the OM that if he contacts your W again you will do it. It may help to keep him away in the beginning. You can always turn him in later. Again just a thought, the decision is yours.<P>Again get he book(s), Educating yourself is absolutely the best thing you can do at this point. Don’t be to hard on yourself, you are going to be in la, la land for a while. This will consume your every waking moment for a while. But believe me, it does get better. I’m still a work in process, but I’ve come a long way in just 6 months. You will too.<P>oswald<P>

Thanks for the advice Oswald. I just finished calling his parole officer and he is going to ask my wife to testify against him in court. She wanted to do this anonymously but I don't think they are going to let her. I told her that if she does testify it would mean a lot to me and it would show good faith towards restoring the marriage. It was her after all that said that she does not love him at all and that now she sees how he lied to her and used her for sex.<P><BR>I have tried to forget this OM but after I learned of how he had this planned from the beginning when he was on parole it made me sick to the stomach. I also considered that he did not learned his lesson the first time and it was time to go back to the slammer again. <P>The bible verse at the end of this post has stuck on my mind for a long time and it is so true. Forgiveness is something that is given to someone who doesn't deserve it but who is repentant. He doesn't know what that is. At least my wife does. <P>A man is not supposed to take revenge for wrongs done to him since the Lord says "vengeance is mine" but we are also called to protect our families and this is a hard step but a necessary one. I believe that infidelity along with sexual abuse are the worst evils that can be committed. I try to avoid movies, songs, shows-anything that promote promiscuity. Soap operas which woman and some men love are loaded with this type of behavior. It seems that anyone who watches these things will eventually believe them to be normal behavior no matter how religious they are.<P>I don't want to sound like I am mad at the world but now I see more clearly how everything we see or hear can become a part of who we are. <P>Please pray for me not to lower myself to cheat on my wife for revenge. I want to pick up my shattered belief system again. That fidelity is not just something we choose, it's something that defines who we are. Take care.<P>Proverbs 6:32-35 But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away;for jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe, however great it is.

I am so sorry for your pain.<P>My story is incredibly similar to yours. <P>I just wish I were a karate expert sometimes. I will not be violent at all, but I can understand the fantasy of vengeance. What a prison it can become.<P>You can look for my post's in "Just Found Out." <P>I too felt my wife needed freedom, and I gave it.<BR>I too was too good of a husband, so to speak.<BR>My W was sexually abused.<BR>I am a deeply faithful man.<BR>My wife closed herself to me, and opened to others and helped others.<BR>My wife also brought men into my house, one of them did work on my house and he was an friend who baby sat my kids once.<BR>I too wonder if my kids were abused by him.<BR>I too gave up on my marriage in 1998.<BR>My wife thought she was in control of the situations.<P>I too want to control things, but cannot.<P>I am no preacher, but here goes.<P>Proverbs 6:32-35 But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away;for jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe, however great it is.<P>This speaks of the foolishness that adultery is. As a husband it is our NATURAL inclination to destroy the usurper. An unfaithful woman takes a $h!# in her own bed. I have seen dogs that do this. It is stupid, selfish and damning. <P>Now think of Jesus. He was left to die on the cross by his own Father and Children. He loved us enough to forgive that. We should try to forgive those who hurt us.<P>Pray alot, God bless you.

Invictus, I went back and read your post and I do agree with the other writers that your wife could be a sex addict. I also believe that she needs to see a psychiatrist. The fact that she spends a lot of money is not necessarily high maintenance but Manic Depression which is what my wife was diagnosed yesterday of having. I am no doctor but I am sure that her childhood abuse has a lot to do with her behavior.<P>I am also glad to find out that I am not the only one that has it real bad. I guess the only difference is that my Wife has not gone back to the other men. Doesn't mean she will, but I am hoping that she follows her theraphy and I am sure she'll be alright.<P>As for staying or leaving, I too struggle with that one. I don't think we are co-dependent like others may suggest. Had I found out last year about this I would had dumped her like yesterday's trash. But in January I analyzed my life and asked myself if I loved this woman. Once I knew I did it seemed like the more I showed it the worst it got. And then she confessed and all hell broke loose.<P>What is helping me stay aside from the kids is that she has not contacted the other men. She is also going to counseling and getting the psychiatric help she needs. Had she not made this commitment I would had said srew plan A through Z I'm leaving.<P>In a way, this might be your greatest testament in life, to save your wife from herself. Just make sure first that she cooperates, otherwise she might drag you down to the point that you loose your sanity and your life in the process.

chakyl,<BR>I thought you might find this<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002762.html" TARGET=_blank>Encouraging</A> <P>oswald<p>[This message has been edited by oswald (edited April 11, 2001).]