OK, I found this web site when my husband and I went through counseling a year ago, and usually post on divorce/divorcing site...... but unfortunatly since my divorce got filed in November there have been a rash of problems in our community...... one of them being my best friend!!<P>She had started an affair about a year ago, emotional at first, but physical for about 9 months. She is separated at the time, but the man she is with is not, his wife found out in November about the phone calls, and to make a long story short..... has been doing a plan a/ planb etc type work, except she is slightly off balanced, as I know her casually. <BR>My friend just recently confided this in me,so I havent had much time to think about it. He is lying to both of them unbeleivably , at one point his wife called her and said" my husband has asked you to leave him alone!" We are working on our marriage!<BR>I could have smacked her for not telling her the truth. That he has never said to leave him alone, in fact, he does the calling, she runs like a child to not miss the calls, and he keeps her happy by small amounts of time he can give to maintain his apperance of behaving! I am so angry at her, and have told her, but I am even more angry at him.... he is abusing both women. I want to know if, as a friend with all this knowledge should I make an anonymus call to the wife? or a letter? I am sure she has no clue what he is doing, calling everyday 3-4 times from his cell phone..... stopping over on his way to work to be intimate.... etc. I wish she hadnt told me because as a newly divorced woman I am furious. I do not want to lose my friend but it is hard to watch her being tagged along.... to be honest In my opinion, the wife and my friend are being manipulated, and he is scot free!!!!!!!! I would love to see him get his, his wife is verbally and at times been physically abusive with him, or so he says (she is bizzare) My friend knows she needs to break it off, but he keeps telling her he is leaving, as soon as he can get money for an apartment. I hate having all this info, and she wont let me tell anyone else, HELP If you were the wife, and were dealing with someone who was doing this, would you want to know? How could I tell her without her spilling that I ratted on my friend? Thanks.... I think I know the answers already , but wanted to hear someone else say mind your own business!!!

nikkilynn2,<P>Just reading this several thoughts come to mind. The first, is that it is not your business to see if this guy "gets his". The second, is that if you are a friend of this OW, you should be focussing on getting her out of this relationship. In fact if you are a true friend, you should go so far as to lose the friendship if she won't drop this man.<P>As for the W, given your position and not really knowing her, my suggestion would by MYOB. Work this problem from the end where you have some influence. You know from experience, that your friend is going to lose, whether the OM goes with her or leaves her. Protect her from him and get her out of this situation if you possibly can.<P>I'm sure you will her from other people on this soon. You may want to post this question in the "General Questions" section.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

For you’re friends sake I would have to say don’t mind your own business. <P>Look at it this way, if she is your friend at all, you want to help her. Let’s say this guy does leave his W and commits to your friend. <P>Do you actually think he is not going to do the same thing to her? <P>Does she actually believe she will be able to trust him if their relationship goes legitimate?<P>Ultimately the call is yours, it’s a tough call. I wouldn’t so much rat on her as I would continue to educate her about what she is doing and how wrong it is. <P>Torn Asunder by Dave Carder might be just the book for you to give her as a gift. It might help support your feelings that this is destructive behavior. <P>Just my thoughts, Oh and would I want to know? Absolutely!<P>oswald<BR>

As far as I know, my H just had an EN. If someone had info to verify that he really had a PA, you bet I would want to know. I don't care who told me. I would just want to know. I know you are in a difficult position, but doing the right thing sometimes loses friends. At least you would have the knowledge that you did the right thing. Maybe this man and his W could get help and make things work. He is being a big jerk, but I cannot believe that people cannot be redeemed. <P>Let us know what happens. I don't envy your position!<P>Good luck!<BR>Window

Should you say something? YES, Why, because the man having this affair is getting away scott free. He is puting others through pure h***. This is a big problem in society today, if you think about it we do protect the ones guilty in an affair. How many secretaries, etc. cover their bosses when they know something is going on. How many friends turn the other cheek so "as not to hurt you" the person having the affair needs to be held accountable for their actions, no if ands or buts. <P> <BR>As the spouse of the cheater we have the right to make a decision to stay or leave, and that right includes knowing the truth so we can make that decision.<P>I too have a friend whose husband runs around on her. Because I know of none of the specifics, other than the fact that he hit on me, and the majority is second party information, I cannot say anything because he is such a good liar and manipulator, she'd never believe me. I did tell her to keep her eyes open though.<P>There is nothing worse than a man who has been caught and who wants to continue to have his cake and eat it too. My husband tried, but the OW and I became acquainted and by virtue of lies he pulled on both sides, took care of that problem.

I am glad to hear from all of you...... sometimes these judgement calls are too much to handle. I do not know how to go ahead and make this right. I want to help my friend, but also hate the fact that I do know this guys wife is a little wacko. He actually is probably a good guy, confused and scared..... but he will not let my friend pull back, and she is losing her mind. He says he is leaving and I hope he does, if the situation is too abusive .......but leave my friend alone and let her work on her marriage or get out. Thanks for the help I will have to decide !!!!!!