My husband has just admitted to a very passionate 3-month love affair. He has agreed to end it, and we are using this fabulous site as a guide.<BR>It hasn't even been a week and I'm having problems as he is going through his "withdrawls". I'm trying to not be too overcompensating and trying to give him his space, but I am crawling out of my skin, of course thinking about all those questions that aren't really going to help me but that as a human we can't help thinking about. The thoughts that come to mind are pure torture and I want to try to focus on our future.<BR>I'm full of worry and despair, yet hopeful for our future and family.<BR>He is full of guilt and seems to be more sorry about the pain he has inflicted on her than me. He wants to help her get her marriage back together, as if she is the innocent victim in all this. <BR>I know there are many out there who know exactly how I feel. Please help me get the knowledge I need to get through this.<BR>jer <BR>

Brace yourself jer it's gonna be a bumpy ride. You will get lots of great advice here. My advice 9not so great) is don't be hard on yourself when you have bad days. Also don't feel bad when you don't want great advice and just want to hurt. You are in shock right now and will be for a while. When you have days (or hours) of normalcy, enjoy them but don't expect them to last too long. Reality has a dreadful way of dragging us down. Good luck to you and your family. I will pray to God to ease your pain.

Thank you for your reply. I hadn't looked around the boards too much before I wrote my original, so now I feel a little silly. It scares me to think how long it will take for the both of us to recover, and I fight the feelings that it won't recover.<P>Thank you for your honesty, I'm tired of living with my head in the clouds.<P>

Maybe it is just me but I haven't noticed anyone mentioning the book Dr. Harley has written on the issues posted here. Then again I just start reading this stuff today so what do I know?<P>Jer if you and your H have time and you haven't read "His Needs, Her Needs" I strongly suggest you do. There is a work book that goes with it that has a lot of material for the two of you to get to know each other better. It can help explain many of the feelings that you are experiencing right now and I promise you if you two read it together with an open soul your marriage will become renewed. But it is a book that you have to read together. The time you spend reading together alone will get you on the way to meeting many of your needs such as time together, quality concersations, Honest, and affection. You will learn what he was missing in you that caused him to stray and you will learn what is missing in him that leave you feeling so empty. <P>Please get the book and work book and arrange a time with him to sit and read it together. You read a chapter to him and then you both answer the questions in the work book and follow the instruction for correcting the errors in your marriage. The next time he will read a chapter to you and you do the question together and so on. Make it a standing date every week with a rotation day so that you don't get caught in a rut. (i.e this week you read on Friday night next week he reads on thursday and the following wednesday you read on wednesday night.)<P>If you just so happen to not read the book together then you read it yourself. Sometimes the car will go in the right direction with only one person with sound directions do the driving.

jer<BR>I know you are hurting. My husband confessed to an affair with a coworker. He told me it's over and he wants us to work on our marriage. I was devastated. I actually hit him and screamed at him and told him "How could you do this to us".....the funny part is they don't know why they have the affair. You will be sad....believe me..I haven't slept for four weeks, I've lost weight and I feel that I can't even tell my family. Only a couple of friends know. It hurts like hell. But...here's the great part. He has told you and he wants to move forward. It's been four weeks and my husband and I spent the first two weeks just reading books TOGETHER. Surviving an Affair is a great helper. READ IT TOGETHER....there are lots of rules to follow. Also...we are reading His Needs, Her Needs.....we want our marriage to work but it still hurts. It sounds like your husband is very sorry for what he did. Mine has always apologized...especially for the hurt he's caused me. He told me he didn't realize how much hurt was involved when you confess to an affair. The W he was involved with is at his place of employment.....so he told her he doens't want to communicate with her or see her anymore. She is also married with two kids. But....I did a nasty thing....she did call him and sent him an enote at work...so I called her husband and told him about the affair....HE HAD NO CLUE...but at least now he knows to keep tabs on her!!<BR>Her husband was very hurt too.....I gave her the chance to tell him and she didn't so...I did...KIND OF FELT GOOD TOO!!

Wow! I understand you completely. I questioned him to death on everything and it tore me apart! It has gotten easier after nearly 8 months, but actually 6 because after 2 weeks of breaking it off he ran into her, pretty well planned actually, and then they called each other here and there for another 4 weeks until I caught them. It's been hell and I have very vived pictures in my head and I admit to feeling pure hate for "her". She was a good friend of mine! She, too, is trying to work out her marriage. I prayed that she would move away from our town and thankfully she did. She even lost her job, the one my husband knew all about. That took away all, or at least most, of the temptations for him to help him come back to the real, though broken, shattered world in front of him. Though we're not living together at the moment, we are trying to work things out with the Lord's help. He was so far gone into his world with this girl for 4 months, and that's not to say that we, as a couple, were already good friends with her for the past few years, that he professed love to her and I got the short end of the stick, and still do. He won't say "I love you" to me, ever. It's as if he's either humiliated or because he just doesn't know if he does love me, or a little of both. But, what I have to remind myself of is that he totally put aside everything right and pure and he has to come back from that. Once he has his relationship right again with the Lord, our relationship can become right. I'm in there for the long haul because God has been giving me glimpses of what He has for us. That's not to say that it's been torture for me along the way! We have 3 wonderful children who adore him and who he loves very much. Jesus is the only answer at making it down the long, healing road, but it can happen!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jer:<BR><B>My husband has just admitted to a very passionate 3-month love affair. He has agreed to end it, and we are using this fabulous site as a guide.<BR>It hasn't even been a week and I'm having problems as he is going through his "withdrawls". I'm trying to not be too overcompensating and trying to give him his space, but I am crawling out of my skin, of course thinking about all those questions that aren't really going to help me but that as a human we can't help thinking about. The thoughts that come to mind are pure torture and I want to try to focus on our future.<BR>I'm full of worry and despair, yet hopeful for our future and family.<BR>He is full of guilt and seems to be more sorry about the pain he has inflicted on her than me. He wants to help her get her marriage back together, as if she is the innocent victim in all this. <BR>I know there are many out there who know exactly how I feel. Please help me get the knowledge I need to get through this.<BR>jer </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I did happen to notice that not much had been mentioned about the books and Dr. Harley's advice, and I found that the more I read on the boards, the more depressed and hopeless I felt. So I took a break for a few weeks. <P>Thank you for your heartfelt advice. We are now in the process of reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair"<P>I feel like these books were written about us. It's incredible, and even more so to think how many people are in the same situation.<P>It's been two weeks since he's seen her and thankfully she has been laid off from her temporary position at work. He seems to be commited, but I can't help but feel that he's wondering, "What if...." He knows what they had was not reality, but boy did it feel like heaven. I know he misses her and of course I want so badly to be to him what she was. Isn't it so ironic the way these things work???? I know he was providing her with the things I wanted most (conversation, affection, admiration...) and after 11 years of marriage he couldn't give me that, but he could to a virtual stranger. Of course she was a sex fiend who could have multiple orgasms....so she was making him feel like the "KING"..........it's positively infuriating!!!!! <P>I'm trying with all my might to fight these negative feelings. I know in the books it says to just focus on the future and meeting each others needs, but when you have feelings so strong as these, what are you supposed to do with them????? Doesn't it seem counter-productive to shove them down?<P>On the positive, we are reading these books together and there is a mutual effort involved. I hope for the sake of us and our three daughters that this will once and for all work out.<P>Thank you so much for all your input.

We bought the other woman His needs Her needs, 5 steps Work book and Love Busters and sent them to her. She has a bad marriage and that was the void my hubby filled it made him feel better to know he gave her the tools to move forward.<BR>I am having troubles with the anger. I can empathize with all that went down but I am angry at the lying and the toll it took on our kids they discovered the affair not me. They knew for months.I will admit he had the chance to take it from the internet to physical and didn't I thank god for that everyday. Get him to send her the books if he is concerned about her. If she chooses not to use them not your problem. They have to go through the grief of losing her and you have to let him grieve.<BR>Good luck.<BR>God bless<P>