W has not stopped contacting a friend who was heavily involved in helping and promoting the A's. W's friend has introduced her to at least one of the OM's. W's friend<BR>has given w's cell phone number so OM could call her. W's friend is a bi-sexual female,<BR>who HAS propositioned my W. W's friend is a drug addict. W's friend hangs with Hell's<BR>Angels. W's friend has been a prostitute. W's friend is at least a petty criminal on a<BR>regular basis. I have asked my W to not see her mainly because of the sexual<BR>proposition, but also because of the other immoral and illegal activities. I don't feel<BR>comfortable. I do not approve of homosexuals, drug addicts, felons, thieves etc. W<BR>has insisted on being able to contact her friend. We have put this issue aside in the<BR>past because I felt she would not comply if I persisted. <P>My wife says she has never had sex with her friend, and she has come clean with me.<BR>I feel this is like an EA, but it is all twisted up because of the friendship with a<BR>homosexual. W insists that the relationship is plutonic. I feel any time the line is<BR>crossed, the relationship must end. W does not agree with that. W does not fully<BR>agree that it was a sexual propositon. <P> **********<BR> Here's what was said between W and friend (paraphrase): "I think you are so beautiful,<BR> and out of any of the women in this world I would want to be with, you top the list."<BR> Of course friend said this statement was not a proposition.<BR> ***********<P> We are progressing nicely, other than this. One issue my W does not want to face is<BR> guilt. She will get angry when I get sad or mad or suspicious.<P> We have been in counseling for almost 2 mos.<P> Last Wednesday and Thursday my W had 2 full days of doing whatever she wanted w/<BR> minimal checking up. Until this time she has felt like a prisoner. This was mostly self<BR> imposed, but she blamed me for it. I immediately told her she could take a couple of<BR> hours for herself, no problem. Then the question of "The bar" came up. She wants to<BR> go dancing with her girl friends like she has for the last 6 years. She went weekends<BR> and during the week. She neglected her kids and me. She stayed out all night 2-3<BR> times a week. "The bar" led to at least one A (one night stand). I began to find clues<BR> about Thursday. When I questioned W about days activities (like a cop) she relented<BR> to meeting her bi-sexual friend for lunch and shopping. I found a poloroid picture of<BR> friend in her purse. I believe my W about 80%. Sounds weird, but there is a chance<BR> she met someone else or had sex with friend at a downtown hotel. I know I am acting<BR> crazy, but I don't plan to take your advice fully, just looking for the truth. She<BR> relented a story that lacks details like names and exact location of the store they<BR> shopped. It took four hours to go to lunch, shop one consignment shop and go to the<BR> bank.<P> Does her story sound plausible? Is it time for some hard [censored], but kind and loving, Plan<BR> A?<BR>

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Invictus, I think Plan B! I am still reading SAA and your W is breaking all of the rules. Maybe if she gets a rude awakening to no more financial support from you, etc., it will make her see the light. It has been when she wasn't accountable for her time that she did so many things to you. <P>I love to shop, but I cannot imagine a 4 hour lunch and shopping at 1 store. I am sorry to say it, but I would be really suspicious of those unaccounted for times. <P>I used to lead quite a different life in my early 20's. I had many homosexual friends (mostly men) and it sure sounds like a proposition to me. I would go to gay bars w/my guy friends because I thought it was fun to not be hit on by men all of the time. One of the guys was a really good dancer and he and I would go dance all night long! I had plenty of lesbians hit on me, but they were usually quite gracious when I told them I was straight. No disrespect to homosexuals, but I have to say that many times they are not known for their morals. Infidelity is of no consequence. The bi-sexual friend wants your W. <P>YOU ARE NOT ACTING CRAZY!!!! You have every right to be suspicious. Take care!<P>God bless,<BR>Window<BR>

I hear and it hurts. All day I have been leaning towards thinking they are involved. We have a counseling session today, soon. I am going to bring it up and maybe show your anonymous opinion. I am not alone. How do I protect my kids??? She seems to want to make it work with me, but still retain the former life somewhat. She has fought to go to the bar and see her friend. I haven't told my family at all to protect her. They have never liked her. They are not a normal bunch. They are very judgemental. I am thinking of telling my Mom. God help me! I don't want to tell her, but there is no one else. My Mom will help me if we split up, but she hasn't exactly been nice to my wife too much. Who will get the kids? They will want their Mom, especially since they have had her back for the last 2+ months after years of neglect. If you ask my boys who stays at home with them my 8 year old still says it's me. They both ask if Mommy is staying home tonight on a regular basis. I am very confused because I don't know the truth. Her words and some of here actions are encouraging, but meeting a person like that, and not wanting to talk about the books and the methods of help we could use, and wanting to go back to the bar all point in one direction.

I am so sorry for your pain! Something I haven't seen anywhere on here, but my firm opinion is that our spouses are not only betraying us, they are betraying our children. They are risking the happiness of their children by doing this selfish deed! <P>I cannot tell you how angry it makes me to hear that your W regularly leaves your children to go out and party! I am a stay at home Mom. I cannot fathom women who don't honor their roles as mothers. It sounds like you are a great Dad!!! At least your children have you. Our children are gifts from God that should be cherished! Of course they want their Mommy. I think that you are doing what you can, though. <P>We have a friend in a similar situation. His little boy is only 2 and his mom would rather go out partying than stay with him. It breaks my heart. It's my H's best friend from years and years. I invite him over with his son as often as I can and love all over that cute little boy. He never asks for his mom. He only asks for Daddy.<P>I don't know what to tell you about telling your Mom. You need support. Your kids need a woman in their life willing to love them. Maybe it would be best to tell her. It's your wife's fault for losing any love that your mom may have had (though it sounds like not much). I have found that our parents are right so much more than we would ever like to admit. Your family probably sees more clearly how your W treats you than you do. I cannot bear the thought of my Mom finding out, but she loves my H! She takes his side over mine just to win his approval - another story!<P>I hope the counseling session helps. I will be praying for you. Take care and God bless!<P>Window

Invictus,<P>I have followed your story with interest, and I am sorry for your pain but it's good to hear when you progress. Here is a comment, and I don't mean it to be hard-nosed, because I want you to be happy. I see one bad cycle here. That is that your w. is using anger as a deterrent to stop you communicating with her. And it's working! She can use her anger to keep your sorrow, pain, questions and vulnerability "in check". Invictus, I encourage you not to be intimidated by her anger. Before my current state (I am engaged, working through a suspected "EA", more good days than bad) I wasted many years with a controlling angry man. Eventually my tap stopped running and just turned off. I shut down. I wish I had stood up to that person years before I did. You don't need to yell, or hurt her. Just have the confidence to look her in the face and express yourself: laughing, crying, blue, sad, whatever. Does she wants you on the condition that you regulate all your emotions to suit her tastes? Please think about this, because no matter what happens, no other person should do that to you. <BR>{{{{{{Hug!}}}}}}}<BR>Robyn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Robyn's Clues:<BR><B>Invictus,<P>I have followed your story with interest, and I am sorry for your pain but it's good to hear when you progress. Here is a comment, and I don't mean it to be hard-nosed, because I want you to be happy. I see one bad cycle here. That is that your w. is using anger as a deterrent to stop you communicating with her. And it's working! She can use her anger to keep your sorrow, pain, questions and vulnerability "in check". Invictus, I encourage you not to be intimidated by her anger. Before my current state (I am engaged, working through a suspected "EA", more good days than bad) I wasted many years with a controlling angry man. Eventually my tap stopped running and just turned off. I shut down. I wish I had stood up to that person years before I did. You don't need to yell, or hurt her. Just have the confidence to look her in the face and express yourself: laughing, crying, blue, sad, whatever. Does she wants you on the condition that you regulate all your emotions to suit her tastes? Please think about this, because no matter what happens, no other person should do that to you. <BR>{{{{{{Hug!}}}}}}}<BR>Robyn</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How true. You are right. I get comments about how I want to control her because she has to deal with my emotions when she gets home. This is much much less than it was before, but that was the excuse for this latest lie. You are wise and perceptive. Thank you.<BR>

We met with a counselor yesterday and I asked her some point blank questions. I have decided to trust her, when she says it is not a sexual relationship. I do feel my wife is foolish enough to play around with this person's emotions to satisfy her ego. That is another pattern she often dispalys, perhaps the primary one. She is not one that can see the risk's. That is her family trait. They all take crazy risk's with an illusion of control. I was listening to Christian radio (new for me) yesterday and I heard about Jesus being Foresaken(betrayed) by his Father(and children) and yet he forgave us all. We all have a time in our lives when we must choose between accepting Gods will over our will. Jesus knew he would be abandoned and die. Yet he went to Gethsemeny. This is my Gethsemeny. It was some guy named Chuck Swindall preaching. I was inspired. I am going to fill my life with God. I thought of the many times I have been tempted to cheat, as I am now greatly. I will not. I know the pain it causes!!!! I feel that many times when I began to know a girl, a thing would happen and it was like the hand of God steering me from the brink. I wonder if any of them were angels or just people close to The Holy Spirit. <P>I no longer worry about my children. They are in God's will. they cannot be protected more. After all didn't Abraham go to sacrifice his son on the Mountain as a sign of God's ability to raise the dead. God told him not to sacrifice his son in the end. My faith is that my boy's will have me to teach them the Word and the Way.<P>P.S. It was a good night. We have a long way to travel.