It has been five months since my husband admitted a one year affair with his coworker (and seven months since he said he wanted a divorce). We are both very committed to working on our marriage and have been doing so since his disclosure. The one huge obstacle (at least for me) is the fact my husband still works with the ow. When things are going really well I go back to being suspicious, hating her, wanting revenge etc. because they still have to see each other. I am well aware of the "no contact" rule of Dr. Harley but in our case my husband owns the business and cannot leave and he cannot discharge to ow for obvious reasons. He says he has no feelings for her, wants only me etc. (I have so many feelings toward her and none of them are pretty) Its nice to hear his words of reassurance but I still get so scared and feel so threatened by her presence in our lives. I also wonder how he could have thought he was "in love" with her for so long and now say he feels nothing. (It was an emotional affair, no sex he says) I want so much to get through this recovery and we are doing so well except for her refusal to find other employment. If there are any of you out there with success stories in this type of scenario please tell me. I need some hope as it seems we are trying to prove the basic no contact rule doesn't need to apply to us.

hi simone, my h worked with some of the ows. Of course I had no idea at the time....only found out yrs later that some were one night stands, etc. So, in retrospect I imagine he handled things okay, as he did not see them again. A couple ows that he worked with were actually affairs, including the latest one when he was discovered and admitted to all. The affair occurred overseas, and was done when she returned to the states. So, the possibility exists that another assignment will include her again, like in the past. I handled the last trip without too many problems, so I guess I can trust him and can handle again.<BR>The options are pretty slim for me, like you! So, I chose to trust him to do the right thing. I felt that it was the right thing to do given the situations. And I decided that if he could not do the right hting now, what chance is there in the future? I would rather know now than later, after all the work to heal my heart and repair the marriage had gone on for quite some time.<BR>Maybe it is good to trust him to make the right decisions and deal with things appropriately? Not sure since we all have such different experiences and backgrounds (which is great!)

Hi Simone,<BR>As we've seen before, our lives are similar in many ways. My husband works with the OW, and although he says he wants to rebuild with me, it's not working, because he won't let go of his feelings for her, even though he says he has tried (doesn't want to, she was denied to him by her choice) - he quite admires her commitment to her husband I suspect!!! Emotional affair, (but worse than sexual in this case). He has very close contact with OW - they share the same job with 2 other people - he can hardly avoid her in an office of 4 people (big company, small office). Just this morning I told him I needed to talk to him, and told him I felt like he wasn't really committed to all the thing he said, because he wasn't prepared to make any changes - won't even reassure me he'll make the effort not to have lunch with her etc. I have now given him until the end of the weekend to move out or "put his money where his mouth is" - the only way I can see an end to all this. This doesn't help you much Simone, but at least your H sounds like he WANTS this to end - mine knows it has to, but doesn't want it to. Years ago my H had an affair with another coworker at a different workplace, and I believe it would not have ended if he hadn't been transfered. He didn't contact her for 6 mths afterwards, and now occasionally contacts her - has done for years before I found out about the affair (emotional and sexual), on friendly terms at birthdays and christmas etc, and sees no reason to stop now. Too bad what would be right for me!!! A little bit of remorse would be good!!<BR>So, getting back to your problem, last week when you responded to my post, I would have said working with the OW when the commitment to the marriage was there might be able to work. This week, I don't believe this is possible, because all it does is confuse things and make my H swing like a yoyo. I'll keep watching these posts to see what advice others can offer us!! Take heart in the fact that your H seems to have it together enough to know what he wants with you, and he is probably being turned off her for good, as she appears selfish and not considering him in all this - that probably is good for you!!

cl - thanks for your words of wisdom. I have chosen to trust my husband. the big problem for me is the presence of the ow feels like she is continuing to "do something to me" - and it is making healing all that much more difficult. <P>so sad - I am sorry things are not going so well this week for you. I seem to recall your posts from last week sounded more optomistic. It must be so hard to hear your spouse say he still has feelings for the ow. I only had to hear this once about a month after the affair ended. I think it also takes longer where the op, not your husband, ended the affair. In my case my husband says he is the one who initiated the end of it and that the ow eventually agreed. You mentioned how your husband still contacts the women of his prior affairs at Christmas and birthdays and sees no harm. My husband secretly maintained contact with old girlfriends our entire marriage. We covered this in counseling and I believe he now knows this was a breach of trust and boundaries and does nothing to improve our marriage - contacts with old girlfriends should include me. <BR>I really do hope things improve for you. It sounds like to gave your husband an ultimatim<BR>-that took a lot of courage. Please let me know how it turns out. One thing that is good is that it sounds like he is saying a lot of the right things like wanting to work on the marriage - I found my husband was able to get there intellectually way before he got their emotionally. There is hope.

Simone,<P>I wouldn't say we are a success story as my husband just rented an apt and is moving out but he is not moving out for the ow. <P>His affair was 5+ years. They work in the same building but not same dept so they see each other occassionally in the hallways.<P>I truly believe the affair is over. He is moving because he says he doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife. I think he feels very guilty about what he did, I think he is having a mid life crisis and I also think that medication he has to take is affecting his moods. <P>He wants his feelings to return. He even admitted that they are in there he just can't act on them. He doesn't want a divorce and says he loves me very much, he always will as I will always love him. <P>I think we are becoming successful at overcomeing and healing from the affair but are not successful at putting our marriage back together yet. So yes I believe it is possible to work together but your H works in a closer environment. Keep up the faith that it can work.

My wife had an affair with a coworker. It's killing me and it Probably will lead to our divorce. Regardless of what anyone says, Dr Haleys tells the wayward spouse to run, leave town, definately change jobs. The passion was there once. You never know when it will return. If things aren't going well in your life, the OP is too close for comfort. Take it from someboby who will probably loose his happiness over the same situation, tell your husband to find a new job or hit the road. If he doesn't, you're better off without him.