My husband confessed to me a few weeks ago that he had an affair with someone he worked with. I spent the first few weeks not sleeping at night. I've lost weight and can't help but seeing the two of them in my mind. He told me he ended it because he realized he still loved me. I asked him why he had the affair and he told me at first they would meet to talk and then it became intimate. I can't get the two of them out of my mind. It hurts very bad. I've got two kids and I think they sense there's something wrong between mom and dad. How do you function? I go to work but I feel like my mind isn't there. He swears it will never happen again. How do I learn to trust him again? We've been married for 17 years. He gets upset when I bring up the affair but I can't help it. I've had some good days but I sometimes find myself dwelling on what he did. He said it wasn't that he was attracted to her...it was just that he needed to talk with her. She was also married with two kids

I am sorry! You are in the right place here. Start reading. "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley are the 2 books that my H and I have started reading. They are really helpful. Start your Plan A. Pray! I am sure your kids sense something. My kids are really little and I can tell a difference in them. Take care of yourself! <P>God bless,<BR>Window

Window:<BR>My husband and I read the book surviving an affair and we are currently reading His Needs Her Needs. The first booked helped us quite a bit. He tells me now he knows he has to be totally open and honest. It's very hard when they've confessed everything to you. He has been very honest about the affair. Any questions I ask he tells me what I want to know about it...sometimes it's too much information. My husband and I are trying very hard to work at our marriage. He has told me he doesn't want me to leave him...he cries alot.... Did your husband confess to an affair? This really hurt because the woman he is involved with he works with. So.....how do you trust them again???? March 6th was our "Day of Truth". It is getting a little better. I'm sleeping a little better now. I guess you have to make the decision to move forward. I've got 17 years invested in our marriage. He told me it was stupid what he did..he's very apologetic for all that he did...... But it still HURTS!!!

I think you read my other post "Is he cheating?" So you probably know that my H does not admit to a PA. He agrees that as many phone calls as they had was inappropriate, but has always maintained it did not go any farther. I have asked and asked and that is all I get out of him. So, I have made the decision to move forward. Unless someone comes to me with solid facts of a PA, I have to believe him. That is really hard all of the time, but I am trying. My H also works with the OW. Luckily they do not see each other often at this point and he is forbidden from even speaking to her. She knows that she is on thin ice with me. I will call her H in a heartbeat if I find out that she is talking to my H. I have all of the cell records to prove how many times and what times they talked. <P>Baby is awake. Gotta run. Thanks for the posts. I appreciate the advice. I hope you are doing ok. Take care and God bless,<BR>Window

First, let me tell you that all the things you are experiencing are normal. Lack of appetite, weight loss, inability to sleep, waking up crying, anxiety attacks, mental confusion, irrational fear....you name it, it's normal. The book After the Affair by Janis Spring lists the physiological effects of the revelation on the wounded spouse. I sobbed as I read it and realized I wasn't going crazy after all.<P>I would like to recommend the book I believe is the best one for a couple who is trying to heal after an affair. Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder, is written for both spouses to read and has some great, practical advice. It also has chapters on what each spouse is going through that can help each of you understand yourselves and each other better.<P>My husband had a brief affair over 3 years ago. It was revealed and ended on the same day and we began the journey to healing. It wasn't an overnight journey and it wasn't easy. In fact, there were times when I thought I simply didn't have the strength to make it. But the combination of my husband's remorse and repentance, my determination not to let this destroy our lives, time, love, effort...and most importantly faith and trust in God...helped us make the journey and build a magnificent marriage. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God orchestrated the revelation and end of the affair and gave us a second chance. We could have blown it, but we chose wisely and received a beautiful gift. He didn't wave a magic wand and fix it all while we sat on our hands. He opened the doors, lit the path and gave us the tools we needed to make the journey.<P>I encourage you to continue reading, to get into counseling, and to especially continue building a good honest level of communication in your marriage. I encourage you to talk about the affair, dissect it and bury it. But I also encourage you to spend at least an equal amount of time dreaming and planning for the future. Look into the past and look honestly at your mistakes and learn from them. Don't be afraid to apologize for things you've both done wrong. Understand that you aren't to blame for this affair....no matter what needs were not met, your husband's choice was his alone and it was wrong. But it is important to take an honest look at the vulnerable places in your marriage work to strengthen them and you both have responsibility for that.<P>I found great comfort and peace in journaling my thoughts and emotions. I spent time with God each day in reading my Bible and a devotion book and prayer. I received something of value every day. I highly recommend the devotional Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby.....it still touches my heart after all this time. If you don't have a relationship with Jesus, I encourage you to consider seeking Him out....you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.<P>This is a crisis that you can overcome. My marriage and many others here are living, breathing proof. Take care of yourself...eat small meals and sleep when you can. Get some help with your housework if you can. Consider talking to your children, if only to assure them that no matter what, mom and dad are going to keep the family together. We told our children on the advice of our counselor....if we hadn't someone else would have. They were in middle and high school at the time and dealt quite well with it all. We believe we've given them a gift in watching us face the crisis and grow beyond it. We offered them a living example of grace and forgiveness and hope that it will strengthen them as they face storms in their lives.<P>Take care...move slowly and carefully....one minute, one hour, one day at a time.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

HGBrawner:<P>Thank you so much for your comments and concern. You've given me the ray of light to look forward to at what seems to be a very long tunnel. It's hard to even think about the next few months. I take it one day at a time. This whole thing has just torn me up inside. I think sometimes my husband just wants me not to talk about it anymore as if it never happened, but I need to deal with it.<P>Thanks for the comment on the book...I have been doing lots of reading and it is helping me. I'm finding out IM NORMAL!!! I thought at first I was going off the deep end but all my reactions are normal, not sleeping, not eating, etc. I also have alot of things that trigger me. For example, the other day I was at work and someone mentioned the name of a store and that's where the OW worked at....I just lost it. I felt like an emotional wreck. People that I work with don't know what's going on? How many people do you confide this too? I haven't even told anyone in my immediate family, only two very close friends. My husband doesn't want anyone in the family to know about his affair. I'm so thankful to have this sight that I can talk to people.. ... Thanks for responding to me....<P>Shocker17

Window:<P>Thanks for your thoughts. I wish you lots of luck and just keep your ears and eyes open. My husband told me it was very hard to admit to the affair because they don't want to hurt their wife. Watch all that talking stuff because that's how my husbands affair started. They would just meet to talk and then it became intimate but he told me never sexual? He stopped it before it got to that point?? <BR>He told me he just needed her at first to talk and then it turned into more.....what hurts is I was always here to talk to him!!! It makes you mad....... Take care of your little one....my two are a little older....teenager and first grader!!!!

Shocker17<BR>I think you must be careful who you confide in. My husband and I each chose not to tell our immediate families about the affair. I didn't want my parents and sister to have to deal with it or to risk their good relationship with my husband. And, to be honest, I didn't think my parents could handle it.....I think they would have been so worried about me that I couldn't have handled my emotions and theirs too. For pretty much the same reasons, my husband chose not to tell his family. To his credit, he gave me complete freedom to tell whomever I needed to. That was very hard for him to do.<P>I believe whole-heartedly in counseling. It is very important to have an objective third party to work with you....someone whose goal is the restoration of your marriage.<P>One reason I stay here and keep my experience so fresh is to try to offer some hope for people like you. I remember so well how hopeless everything looks...even when you are committed to the healing of your marriage. Just to know that there are success stories can give you the strength to make it through another day. Just stay focused on your goal of restoration.....it is within your reach.<P>As for your husband's desire for you to not talk about the affair.... This is quite normal. Put yourself in his shoes....a man who has seen the light and ended the affair and wants restoration with you.....you would feel the same way. Neither of you is wrong in your desire to deal with this in the way you see best. The key is to accept each other's position and then to work on a compromise that is helpful to each of you. Agree on some "ground rules" for discussing the affair. Agree that either of you can call a "time out" if things get too intense, with a promise to return to the issue once you've regained your balance. Come up with some "signal" words or phrases that you can use with each other to indicate your mood or need for extra tlc. When you can begin to see yourself as a team fighting this demon together....to see each other as being wounded, even though in different way....you will make some great strides towards recovery.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<p>[This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited April 12, 2001).]

Shocker17<P> In my eyes you are very lucky. Why, because your husband was the one who ended it, who came to his senses and then was honest enough with you to tell you. Affairs are the most horrific thing anyone can experience, believe me I am not making light of it. <P> My husband did none of these things. I found out about it. He never broke it off, even after I found out. It wasn't until I wanted a confrontation with the OW that the truth came out. At that time he said it was what he wanted, he just did not know how to get out of it. A week later he goes back to her and says maybe we can work it out when I get my life straightened out. He never did tell me the entire truth, most of it I got from her.<P>Not one time did my husband say, I am in love with my wife, she has been my partner for 22 years and I want to be with her. He wanted to keep us both on the line.<P>So I know you are feeling the deepest hurt that you could possibly feel, but if there is a ray of sunshine for you it is in the way your husband handled it. You have to know it was not easy for him to come clean with you. In all reality most men would not have. I know for a fact that mine would have never admitted it, oh of course, later he kept saying, "I wanted to tell you." Yeah right.<P>If your husband is being honest with you now your chances of him being honest with you in the future are very good. You have a lot of positives going for you.<P>The reasons I have listed above are the reasons I am not coming to terms with what my husband did. They are the reasons I am having great doubt in ever trusting him again. Your husband put you first, not during the affair, but once he came to his senses you were the one he loved and wanted. For this you are very lucky. <P>I hope all works well for you. Remember, it is a hard road you are about to embark on, you are hurt, you are going to sufffer emotionally and physically. Know that this is normal, know in your heart that you are very important to your husband.

Shocker17:<P>One more note, you said it was so hard to be at work because you feel you can't say anything. I know exactly how you feel. I did not tell my immediate family. If I had I would not have an inkling of a chance to work things out. I did tell one very close friend. My husband was adamant that "NO ONE" know about it. After all, he went to great lengths to do this out of town, where no one knew us. What a man.<P>As time has passed word has spread and people are now aware of what is going on. I have to say that coming to this forum was my only sanity. I hope you find it to be as comforting and helpful as I have. No, we do not have the answers, but yes, we've been there, and we know how you are feeling. It helps so much to know that you are not out in the middle of the ocean paddling a boat by yourself.

My wife had 2 one night stands and mutiple Emotional Affairs with men she met in chatrooms, and this after we had been married 25 years. So I know how u must feel. <P>Another book that helped us get back on track was "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman. I recommend it highly along with the HN-HNs book by Harley.<P><BR>Good luck.

K9love:<P>Thanks for your positive reply. Wow....22 years together...it's nice to see some other people with longevity in a marriage that it's happening to also. <P>I'm sorry to hear about your situation also. The day my husband confessed March 6th....I thought my world fell apart. I've experienced alot of pain in my life....but never to this extent. WOW...you might as well say he reached in and ripped my heart out. He is very positive everyday and is constantly telling me how much he loves me and wants ONLY me. I guess it's just hard to BELIEVE him!!!<BR>I want to...but I'm so afraid of being hurt...or perhaps he'll rekindle the relationship again. Remember.....she works with him but in a different department. He has vowed to never communicate with her again and if he does see her he swears he will walk away...but how would I know. I guess I'll just have to watch his actions although all of last year during the affair he never changed his actions towards me. How can they come home...kiss their wives...make love with them and BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE...I don't get it. I never picked up any of his signals.... Does that mean he lies well??? That's what I'm afraid of...that when and if it starts again...will I know?? I have told him that I will work this out...because we've been married for 17 years and have two great daughters...one a teenager and the other in first grade. Both kids are very well aware that mom and dad are having problems. We've told them we're having problems but that it doesn't involve them.... We've told them we want to work on our marriage and right now it's a priority and that we don't love them any less. They seem to be OK with that and understand we need alot of time to talk right now. <P>I truly appreciate all that you wrote. It gave me some hope to hang on. I have told my husband that if he resumes the contact I will separate from him because he needs to then make a decision what he wants out of life. The OW was really there to LISTEN to him....she reached out and grabbed onto him and built him up. I asked him many questions and he has been very honest...he did get an EGO boost out of it. What makes me sick is she is married and has two daughters...how sick is that???? I don't know if I told you but I did phone her husband and told him about their affair because I TOLD HER TO TELL HIM OR I WOULD....she elected not to. Her husband was devastated....She then contacted my husband and told him for me not to call her husband anymore because her marriage was falling apart.....BOO HOO....What did she expect.....!!! She was married for 24 years. How long have you been working on this with your marriage?? I'm getting the feeling that this is going to take a long time to overcome...and I think it's great that you reply to keep people like me strong and focused. I want my marriage to work out but it's so hard to deal with what<BR>he's done. He always called me his bestfriend and still does...and my reply was to him...your bestfriend was always waiting for you at home and still is...and why did you go to her??? He really can't tell me why?? I ask him was it her looks?? What was it? He can't tell me what it was that brought them close together...at first he said it was just the TALKING and I see this more and more as I read all of these articles. This is a great site to go to and I'm glad I can talk with you and all the others. I've only told a couple of close friends but they're not much help. You've been more help to me than them because you've been through it.....THANK YOU>>>THANK YOU>>>>THANK YOU... Have a great<BR>Easter!!!<P>SHOCKER17

Never Again<P>Thanks for your response. I'm sure it hurt like hell to find out your wife did that, and even more than once. I am sorry for your pain and remember it is not your fault. She chose to do that. I've told my husband....this was your choice to go into the arms of another woman I didn't make you. It's very hard to go forward but I have two kids and for all of my married life my husband has been a great husband as well as a great father. He admits to his stupidity but it's still hard for me to trust him again. I'm still working on the forgiveness part....and then I have to learn how to trust him again. He reminds me constantly that he loves me and I'm the only one....I keep wondering when he'll stray again?? I guess it's just natural to feel that way because all that I've read here everyone seems to be feeling the same way. I have told my husband if it happens again I will separate for good......and I always told myself that if he had an affair I would leave him and look at me here trying to work it out. This is his first affair and I told him it'll be his last with me...because the next time I will leave...and I pray I can stick to my word on that. I wish you the best at working at your marriage... My husband and I read the books Surviving an Affair together. We took alot of time off of work and just read the book together....We've shared alot of tears...and I am hurting big time..but I'm trying to move forward. <P>Thanks again for responding...<P>SHOCKER17 (HAPPY EASTER!!!)

K9LOVE<P>How are you doing these days? How are things progessing?<BR>My husband went out of town for work and it's hard to <BR>trust him being away? How do you trust??? How do you go forward? I keep beating myself up about the OW. Does it ever stop.....We had a bad day the other day...H got very depressed...talked about suicide. Now he's almost lost his job because he's so depressed over our relationhship. He keeps telling me how disgusted he is with himself...but he wont' get help...He talks suicidal....anyone else have H that do this????<P>SHOCKER17<BR>

HGBrawner:<P>I have a question for you...since you've been through this alot longer than I have. When do you stop beating yourself up over the OW. I keep comparing myself....very hard on myself...no self-esteem....???? What did you do to move forward and doesn't it drive you crazy what you see in your mind....H and OW.<P>Please let me know how you dealt with thoughts of OW>>>><P>Thanks ...<BR>SHOCKER17

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Shocker17:<BR><B>My husband confessed to me a few weeks ago that he had an affair with someone he worked with. I spent the first few weeks not sleeping at night. I've lost weight and can't help but seeing the two of them in my mind. He told me he ended it because he realized he still loved me. I asked him why he had the affair and he told me at first they would meet to talk and then it became intimate. I can't get the two of them out of my mind. It hurts very bad. I've got two kids and I think they sense there's something wrong between mom and dad. How do you function? I go to work but I feel like my mind isn't there. He swears it will never happen again. How do I learn to trust him again? We've been married for 17 years. He gets upset when I bring up the affair but I can't help it. I've had some good days but I sometimes find myself dwelling on what he did. He said it wasn't that he was attracted to her...it was just that he needed to talk with her. She was also married with two kids </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I'd like to get in on this discussion to ...17 years. This is the first time I've ever tried a forum/chat. <P>I found out a year ago - first week of June about my husband and "a family friend" - he'd met her about 5 years ago through her parents - we visited for a week plus vacation & I knew her & her parents. We exchanged Christmas cards & other niceties. She had e-mail, every once in a while some mail would come. Then Feb last year on a business trip, my husband talked to her at a reception. For some reason, things heated up from there. I was very sick with a pending operation in April. In June, she and her daughter came to stay with us for a couple of days for a visit. Last time he talked to her was in early July. He told me if she ever called again he would tell me what was said.<P>I am STILL TORN UP INSIDE. I am very non-productive. Even after almost a year. We are just beginning to start to work things out. I thought & told everyone "my husband would never cheat on me". I told him never to cheat on me. We've been married for 14 years now, two daughters 9 & 7. We have a "just the opposite" problem for our relationship. He is not interested in making love. This just kills me, although he finally said something last week..."coming home to a long face does nothing for his libedo". <P>For 13 1/2 years we never fought about anything until June of last year, and then my daughters saw me cry all the time - just little losses - I couldn't help it - I tried not to cry in front of them. There are several things that really get me - one of them is his lack of remorse. He can't seem to bring himself to comfort me at the times I need him to comfort me. The night I found out - God woke me up out of my sleep and I walked into our "computer room" and jumped in on the screen. He was on Instant Messenger with her & saying my love words I always said to him TO HER. After our 5 hour discussion after I saw this, I said "Come on back to bed". And he's been in our bed ever since.<P>I know I should not feel this way, but I absolutely hate her (family friend?). I know God wants me to forgive her, but right now I won't. I talked to her afterward (didn't go the way I thought it would), but I'd like to tell her off again. I think about this situation all the time. We are moving ahead, but very slowly. We went to a counselor, helped a little, but not where I want to be.<P>He says I want too much affection (I want him to hug me). He says I need counseling for this need. I know I'm just pushing (I try not to). He never had girl friends in high school & really only one few month relationship in college. I had lots of dates & boyfriends in highschool & after. But I had a couple of long relationships where I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. These really surfaced after I found out about my husband.<P>I just wanted to tell you all I went through the same things, like no sleep. I would finally lay down exhausted sleep 1 hour & be up forever. We were getting ready to move, and I could not sleep because of this situation.<P>I can't believe my husband would make long distance calls to her from a pay phone using our calling card, buy her relationship cards, send a rose. Lie to his wife saying "nothing was going on". I knew better. We went on vacation & he sent her a postcard. I found myself searching his briefcase, etc.<P>It has been a horrible road. If we can pull this marriage back together...how long will it be until I trust him. Dr. Harley says "best not to trust". This was a revelation - I can't wait to have my husband read Dr. Harley's writings on his web site.<P>May God help everyone who has any pain from anything like this. I wonder why, oh why, can't married people respect their marriage vow, and love, honor, and obey, and not go out of the marriage to find emotional support. Why can't he be faithful? There were a couple of serious times I almost packed it up & left, but once the parents knew - so many more would be hurt. My husband didn't want me to leave.<P>I pray for you all - the roads are windy - but have faith and we will heal - we will survive these terrible traumas we have been dealt. Thanks for listening. <P>After shock

When you want to read the posts of someone who is aching like you are read mine. Be forewarned, they are not upbeat and hopeful like everyone else's here. I believe that my situation is hopeless. I don't even want to go home to him because I am so tired of performing. <BR>I hope that you do something positive for yourself this weekend. I am gong to buy a birthday gift for a friend of mine who is going through her second divorce. Going through this horrible experience has helped me give her more support than she ever though imaginable...and she doesn't know about me. <BR>I am also going to read my bible. I bought one with inspirational thoughts for women. It helps focus me on what's important.<BR>Please take care of yourself<BR>By the way...I too have been married for 17 years, it's supposed to be 18 in June. What a great anniversary that's going to be.

After Shock:<P>Thanks for your reply. Isn't it amazing the things they can for the OW and cover them up so nicely. The OW my husband was involved with would come to our parties at our house with her husband.....so I never thought anything of it until you hear them mention a name a few times and then I also found mine emailing "nasty" things to her (jokes) but I felt was inappropriate. The day I finally figured out something was up we had been out shopping just the two of us. Our kids were in school that day and we had the whole house to ourselves. I guess I thought we'd come back and get intimate but he jumped on the internet and sent her e-mail. I confronted him and he said nothing was going on. Well, I eventually started going through his things and found an e-note she sent him at work letting him know her husband would be out of town and for him to call. He left it where I could find it....according to him. I asked him and asked him and he denied it from December until March 9th when I picked up the phone and said I was calling the bi"ch!! He got scared and then confessed. I felt like someone put a knife in me and twisted it.. This person was a friend of ours too, isn't amazing how we can trust our husbands so much. She even came to a barbeque we had without her husband and I still hadn't picked up on it. I have told him how disgusted I was that he invited her to our home. At one point she did come in my home and went through my house.....guess she was seeing what she could have if she won my husband...but she's not having what I have cause I plan on fighting hard for our marriage to make it. This really makes you angry. I still have alot of anger. He works with her but they are in different departments...THANK GOD. My husband has been very remorseful and apologetic. He says he was stupid and an idiot for doing what he did....and I have to agree. I've had temptations over the years (haven't you) but my marriage vows were always being repeated in my head. We'll be married 18 years in August....hopefully. He's so afraid these days I'm going to leave.....but all I tell him is I'm taking it one day at a time. My kids are feeling the impact of this because alot of the attention that they should get is being given to our relationship right now. I have to talk to him alot and ask alot of questions. Do you find yourself comparing yourself to your husbands OW???? I do constantly....actually I tell my husband I think she's quite ugly but perhaps she had bigger t.ts!!! I dont' know what makes them tick.... I hope you take care of yourself. I've starte d to get a selfish attitude...My house is messy and I use to be a neat nick...I DONT CARE ANYMORE...and also I do laundry but I CANNOT PUT MY HUSBANDS CLOTHES AWAY... Imake him do it. I ironed his shirts one day and told him I'm ironing these shirts and you went to her...and here I was making you look so damn good!!! SO I DON"T IRON HIS SHIRTS EITHER>... I can'tl... not yet... hopefully it'll change as the hurt softens. Sorry about the babbling but it feels real good to talk and get it out. I've only disclosed this to two good friends...our families do not know about his affair...he is so ashamed and doesn't want anyone to know. Did you tell many people??? My kids don't know although my teenage daughter overheard us a little and I think she knows...they're real smart at that age. <P>We're suppose to go away in two weeks without the kids....I'm actually looking forward to it but also apprehensive because sometimes I get in a real rut with the thoughts....know what I mean.!!! I get bad days to where I dwell on the TWO OF THEM IN MY MIND.....it just makes me sick. Remember....we did not make them do this they did it on their own and with people we knew!!!! HOW DISGUSTING!!!<BR>I get very blue days and my husband can read my mind but he also comes up to me and hugs me and tells me that he's in this for the long haul.... The books I've read says it takes 2-3 years to deal with an affair...I was devastated when I heard it was that long. My husband says he feels my hurt when he sees it all over my face.....sometimes I just flashback to what's all been said....Where they would meet??? Who would call who???? See at work they have that little email thing so communication was easy for them. I'm not sure how much he did from home...he probably erased it everytime he communicate dwith her. See from our house he would send email to her at work.....see her husband wouldn't see it....Don't know if I mentioned to you I called her husband...they were married for I believe 23-24 years....He was shocked.....Keep me posted on how you're doing.. I know in my heart this will take a long time and I still can't trust him and I still haven't been able to forgive him. Just take it one day at a time......<P>God Bless You and your kids.....STAY STRONG....hopefully<BR>he'll come around....<P>Shocker17

Shocker 17 - Thanks for the reply. Will answer some of your thoughts. First about taking care of his clothes - I don't remember what you said about how he treats you now - is he remorseful? We all need that someone special to take care of us, and did he provide for you (at first we must quantify). Our H. must be taken care of also. We must feed our families (H. included), take care of the house - you get my drift. I know you made him look good if you ironed for him. Back to it - men need to be taken care of also. We need to nurture, it is our place to cook, sew, iron, etc. I am also a today's woman with work on my plate too - I'm not a full feminist, just kind of an old fashioned girl w/ today's punch. What I am trying to tell you here, is he wants you (hopefully) to take care of him. Because if you don't - she will be there to step into you shoes. And believe me !!!!! She probably wants to. If you don't want to - there is always someone else out there that "wants to".<P>I really loved my H. completely (actually this is my second marriage - my first no children, ended in a bitter d. - that was okay). I told God if he ever gave me the chance with someone else, I did not care what he looked like - as long as he was nice. God gave me my H., and I loved him exclusively - I cherished him - but I did not nuture him correctly, and emotionally. I too want my H. around all the time now after the computer A, like others ask is this normal - I think entirely. I also have to have a relationship discussion about once a week - they are getting better (no sobbing during, and I take things alot better - I would have taken things a whole lot better if he would be there emotionally for me also - its his detachment that hurts. He loves me, but he is not in love with me anymore (yet). I don't know if this is part of Dr. Harley's evaluation of my H. withdrawal - having to give up his e-lover.<P>My kids still ask "Mommy are you crying" - they hated to see me cry & everytime they think I am they come to my rescue. I sniffled tonight (slight sore throat, cough, sneeze), they thought I was crying - and made sure I was not. Their dad was sure mean to them in the beginning phase of this breakdown - oh my - he took his frustrations out on them - I did too. They never deserved any of it - but we are making up for it now. I love my little girls. I would never trade my family - even for millions.<P>About the comparing me to her. I am not bad to look at now, in HS I was considered a 10 - but what does all that really matter? My husband was "geeky" in HS - but now he is a wonderful / nice looking man. To me he is extremely sexy. I got overweight. The "friend" - don't even go there but we WILL - I can't stand her - I'll tell you - when I first met her I thought she was very nice looking. I am short, she is a slender, 5'9", long brown hair, and knock 'em dead dark tan. Oh, my, you should see her with her bikini thong on. She gyms it, works it, kids it totally with her 3 kids - the liability she had was her husband (a jerk? - I don't know). But what stands is that she married her HS sweetheart, and had her kids - and that for her is her life. My life was meeting my H., getting married, having our 2 kids, and having our life as it was and is - and I loved him and our family. We had our marriage, our relationship, our marriage vow. As far as physical appearance - she now looks pretty perfect. They had choice of music in common, she has a great personality and outlook on life. She (the devil) attacked my marriage - it was open to be attacked - she gave him the emotional needs he needed met, somehow after all those years I did not, and he fell for her. It still remains - I am his wife - I am the one he asked to marry him - I am his better half. I cannot compare myself to "the witch", because I am me I am "the wife". Any woman out there should respect this - I do - there is no way I would go after someone else's husband. I wanted a relationship for me - I thought I had it - Oops - was I wrong. The mistakes will be corrected. If she is unhappy in her marriage and wants out (like she told my H.), then she needs to do that, bear the consequences. Now their "friendship" is no more.<P>ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE - I want that family - OUT of our life!!!! I can't believe how much anger I have for this woman. She needs to deal with her husband and her life and get out of mine. I could see the devil in my living room, my kitchen. Here is a good laugh for you (ha), we had steak/baked potatoes for dinner - she asked if they could feed the bones to our dogs - they did - my one dog had since 1990 got the bone lodged in his intestine - DO you KNOW what it COST to get our dog well - $600. Boy was it a mistake to have her in our home.<P>I can only pray that the devil is gone - I hope I hope. <P>So, my heart goes out to you all. I was reading the postings in 2 places, and I almost started crying - but it was fleeting. Every story sounds the same - the same pain - the same deceit - lies - the same. Only the persons, time, places are different. I feel the same - how could your H. do this to you - he didn't think about the pain it would inflict on you. Why can't we all talk and work things out, before the A. happens? Now we deal with the verge of crying, and wondering if our husbands are going to stay and love us.<P>Take care all - thanks for letting me pour all of my feelings out (not all), but the venting helps. I really need to go to bed. I just long for the moments my husband can scoop me up in his arms and say "I love you", or send a card, etc. We too are planning a 3 day weekend away from the kids. We need to sit down and read all the letters we wrote to each other back at the beginning of our relationship. We need to spend some "we time" together.<P>Oh, one last thing - I've been reading lots of books. Another good one is The Five Passages of Marriage, also Dobson's What Women Wish Their Husbands Knew about Women, also In Defense of Marriage. I am currently working on "After the Affair", and have Torn Asunder. Will be picking up Dr. Harley's books too.<P>Please, please dear God, please allow our spouses to be the wonderful mates they should be in our lives. Why, oh, why, is this pain brought down inside of us? Why am I breaking apart every day? Even after 10 months? Please teach us to see the error of our ways, and help us to mend our lives - for us, our children, and our spouses.<P>Take care everyone - writing in this section - we are praying for everyone,<BR> After shock