I've been doing great. Our marriage has been recovering wonderfully! H has been understanding and supportive and working as much as he can on helping improve our relationship, which was pretty great to begin with. AND I'm more in love with him than I was before we married. <P>Problem is, OM has been creeping into my mind. I have seen him in his car around town a bit (I do sales and drive a lot) and for some reason it's been heavily on my mind. Missing him I think. Angry partly, because I told my husband and have suffered tremendously, he the OM didn't tell his wife and has gone on with life. Hasn't tried to contact me, could care less, so it seems. I know it shouldn't matter, but when this whole thing was going on, he thought he would just die if he couldn't love me. It was everything to him. Now it's not even a memory?? I just don't see how that can happen. It still hurts me. It still affects me and my H. I still think about him, though my head is back on straight and my focus is here at home.<P>Any others experience this? Find out why? Solutions? <P>Thanks much<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Tracy,<P>Call it a flashback.<P>Think about it in this manner. Recovering drug addicts loose the obsession to use. Then they loose all desire to use, in order to do this they MUST stay in the solution, recovery. Now just because a drug addict looses the obsession and the desire to use, doesn't mean they won't think about drugs. They do. How to combat the thoughts or the addiction, tell on it. Get honest W/ your H.<P>Dr.H says that that is the quikest way to rebuild trust.<P>Remember we are powerless over thoughts and feelings. We are NOT powerless over our actions.<P>So no matter what don't act on your thoughts, they will pass.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Tracy, it sounds like you have a huge list of positives with your husband, that is such good news!<P>From what I've read in your post, it seems as if it's more the fact that the OM has gone on with his life that's getting to you. If he still were pining away, you may just be able to let go and forget. Try to understand what is really important, and that's your husband. Your husband and your marriage is the priority here, and I realize that's not even what this post is about, but it should be! Refocus, realize how much better you are by rebuilding your marriage and taking a concerted effort to get there, and not worrying about the OM. I know what you're saying, but it really boils down to a self esteem issue. It doesn't matter if the OM is thinking of you or not, you've really got to get your mind completely off of that. You are making the right choice in choosing to work on your marriage, and that's the only important thing here. It sounds as if your husband is willing to work through this with you, and you're more in love with him than you ever were, sounds like me! It only gets better from this point, but try to stop those thoughts of the OM, they are really a bad seed that you don't want to plant. Plan activities with your husband that can create new memories to get your mind off of the OM.

Hi<BR>congratulations on your rebuilding!<P>the Ow in my H's affair contacted him after 6 months out of the blue of no contact from him (supposedly she called about business) but it seemed to me that she was really wanting to know if he missed her, if he was miserable, so she could feel better about herself etc<P>this seems to happen a lot and I read on the net of a lot of Ow wanting to make contact again after about this period<P>how much of this is ego?(which we all have)eg how come he doesnt need me anymore etc) <BR>or jealousy or needing more closure, or just simply stil hoping they love you more than the wife etc ?<P>just as the betrayed must go through the stages of grief (shock/disbelief/bargaining/anger/sadness/acceptance) so too the betrayer so how do you feel your present thoughts fit in with these stages? Im really interested in this cos I believe the OW felt the same and wanted more out of the conversation than she got. I doubt she wanted the relationship back at all, more just wanted to increase her own selfvalue by hoping he still wanted her etc and probably therefore in her own mind feel like she was a "winner" in the situation after all (does that make sense? its natural for all of us to not want to lose/be the one who pays)<BR>Id be interested in your thoughts<P>it sounds like youre doing great,<BR>you dont need him and dont need to worry about his life anymore, forget him, he'll be fine and make his own choices good or bad in life, let him go and good luck!!

Tracy,<BR>If your mind was on your marriage and your emotional needs were being met at home, you would not have your mind on an unrealistic view of your past lover. Remember, your om may not have been addicted to you as you have been with him. Most OP have their own issues which they do not communicate to their OP. Chances are the OP would not be the one you'd ultimately want to be with anyway. You most likely don't know how he reacts in the day to day world. Withdrawal is hard when you keep the fantasy going. Dr. H is correct when he states stop all communication and chance meetings. It will just keep you dreaming about a fantasy. Continue to be brave and true to yourself. Only when we fix ourselves do we truely see reality.

Yes, I understand where you're coming from. I think it has to do with the fact that we feel rejected by the OM. It definately hurts to remember all the things that the OM said that don't seem to matter to them now. And, although we may not want the OM anymore...we still want them to want us. I've spent way too much time wondering how the OM feels about me now.<P>I wish I had an easy solution to put the OM in the past for good...but, I guess the most important thing is to just accept things for the way they are. Take pride and be happy for the progress you are making with your husband and don't dwell on details of the past mistakes.

This is a great line of posts, I am lets see what are the abbreviations.... I give up,<BR>My W had an E.A. with an OM, hows that? I am a H. <BR>Although there are some differences, I think I will show this to her. The OM has told me he is extrem remorseful and will not cont any contact. W also wants no more, the initial 3-4 week withdrawl period was a challenge, but we got thru it w/o any contact. Now we<BR>both see the OM several times a week because of our childs sports team, OM is one of the other dads! <BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc<P>

This line of posts hit home.. <BR>To azure ...similar situation w/ me and the ow. She also contacted my husband after five months under the pretense of getting hang ups and asking him if he was doing it. Your response hit home for me. She also didn't get the response that she wanted. I think you are right in that she wanted to go out a winner. But are any of us winners in this situation.<BR>To jnvc...Your situation seems similar to mine. My h had an affair with my daughter's friend's mother. It would appear that you are lucky that he showed remorse to you. I never got that from her and like you see her all the time. I am wondering if that brought some sort of closure for you. How do you deal with the constant contact? I am looking for the closure that the other three got already(my h, the o/w and her h) and don't know how to get it.<BR>Thanks.

Yup, understand...<P>I like what Bill said, "FLASHBACK"...<P>Not unlike a drug addiction... comes back to bite you in the butt!<P>If it isn't eating, or biting my nails, or smoking cigs... it's the OM addiction. Makes me sick. But I've been there, just like you. <P>Repeat after me:<P><B>IT IS AN ADDICTION</B><P>~Sheryl

To Naive,<BR>jc57_12@yahoo.com<P>Clousure has not completly occured yet. <BR>We are talking about writing the OM a letter.<BR>I suggested it to the OM too, he said he would. We still see each other at least twice a week. For me, I flash to scenes of them at the park they met at....oh joy! plust<BR>the intimate conversations they shared.<P>mor e later. 12.14.99 9:20 PST PM<P>------------------<BR>jnvc<P>