It has been almost 3 weeks since d-day. I have been on the rollercoaster, lost weight , puked, trembled,etc. We are trying to work it out but it seems the better days are less frequent and fighting is more. But to my question, I have been having terrible anxiety (not like me)while he is gone during the day not really related to OW. Could I be in withdrawel from the H I thought I had? I wake up at 3 am every day drenched with sweat, cannot sleep, cannot do my housework,havent been eating, shivering, unfocused,muscle twiching, and teeth grinding. This feels very physical for me. I have seen others that mention same symptoms but no real syndrome or whatever. how long does this last? The only time I feel better is when he is holding me , which he doesnt do well since he is in withdrawel from OW. I think he thinks I am trying to make him feel more guilt.please write back if you have an answer. I dont feel like anything is better between us, but when I look back I can see so much progress. He has been very angry with me but neither he nor I can figure out why.<P>------------------<BR>L.

I would suggest that you see your doctor and tell him/her exactly what is going on in your life. What you describe does sound pretty normal, but when it begins to severely interfere with your normal existence, then some meds may be necessary. Don't depend on them, but let them help you through the worst of the crisis. An affair is a very real physical wound....<P>Are you in counseling? I really believe in the value of it. Yes, it can be expensive, but look at it as an investement. This place is great, but we can't substitute for a good marriage and family therapist. There are many avenues to find help....you local mental health center, your family doctor, your pastor or local church. Many therapists will offer an ability-to-pay fee schedule and many company health plans offer assistance. Counseling is an investment in your future.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

ne. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

HG and Roger,<BR>Thanks for the quick reply. Medication is not an option I would feel comfortable with, I have always been the strong level headed one, so this instability has hit me and my husband as a shocker, I am always the planner/fixer. Anyway I NEED to know how long does this last? I really think it is some kind of mourning for a death of ? my old husband? my trusting life? my feeling special? Im not sure.<BR>We are seeing a pastor once a week with mixed results, I think this site has been more helpful to me than anything else, just seeing the enormity of people and pain, I know Im not alone.<BR>We are going back to the cabin where I found out next week I think I need to face the demons, this may be a big mistake.<BR>I also think since i have 2 young children that are so needy it drains me more. I think if I could stay in bed for a week I would feel better!<BR>thanks for the support.<P>------------------<BR>L.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

It's hard to say how long it lasts....each one of us is different. Meds need to be seen as a temporary assist to get through the worst of the crisis...not anything long term. You really aren't helping anyone by trying to be the strong one. <P>This journey isn't going to be one of a few weeks or months. It takes up to 2 or 3 years to process through and complete the healing process. Granted, it does get much easier over time, but you have to face the facts that your marriage didn't get into trouble over night and you aren't going to heal that way either.<P>Consider the doctor more seriously.....<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

SadPrincess:<P>How long does it take? That's a good question. Let me see, it has been 10 weeks for me now. I too was very much against taking "medicine" to make me feel better. I too was always level headed. <P>My doctor put me on something yesterday, is it getting better, (medicine has not kicked in yet), yes and no. Anger now, hurt for the first six weeks. Now a terrible hatred and anger, bitterness you name it. <P>Thee is no real time frame. But time does heal the initial feeling of your life spinning out of control. The thought that you no longer know someone

I am just 2 weeks past D-day - I can't eat, sleep, do laundry or clean my house - I can't take care of my kids (we have 4) and I am totally devastated. I knew about the affair when it happened (6/99) but he just confessed. We are in counseling - but it's not enough. I get those shakes and sobs that make me vomit - and I think about death often. What the real kicker is - I am a minister. I minister to wounded and hurting women - and I can't believe that this has happened to me . . .<P>I know that good will come out of this. H has truly repented and is fervently trying to become the man of God he should have been before. He is trying - but somehow I wonder if his efforts are simply to stave off a divorce. I could rape him financially as he has raped me emotionally if I so desired, and he knows that. I don't want to do that. I love him - despite all that has happened - I love him with all that is in me - which I believe is totally God, because it sure isn't me. I have made every effort to forgive him - but I realise that this is a process . . .<P>The things that get to me are: when he leaves for work - OW is no longer working with him, but there are many OW possiblities, you know. I am so insecure. next thing: the nights. I stay up and think and think and think. Then I "see" them together in my mind. next, and possibly the worst one: I cry everytime we make love - every time - because I look at him and think - she saw this - she had this - he gave her what was supposed to be mine.<P>Do these thoughts ever stop? I realise that I must take every thought captive into Christ Jesus - but try as I may - this seems impossible now. . .<P>Is it ok to fall apart? Even if I'm the one in the counselors seat usually? Is it ok to not get out of bed some days? Is it ok to yell, scream, throw things, lay on the floor and sob gut wrenching sobs? Is it ok to be really angry with H? with the OW?<P>Most humiliating: submitting to STD tests. I cried through the entire visit. They never used protection. This hurt me the most . . . tests came out ok - thank God!<P>A was long term - EA/PA. I say long term - three months - that's long to me. Is that long though? Once is enough. He says that it only happened once. She says he told her he was divorced and that he wanted a relationship with her. She says lasted 3 months and regular sex 3x's per week or more . . .<P>He was working out of town. I knew it then. God woke me up one night and I began to pray and God revealed it to me then. I drove over to where he was (4 hours away) and told him I knew. That was June 99 - in August he came home and I found out - her number on the phone bill and cell phone bill - a co-worker called and told me - then I called OW and we talked for a long time - she was devastated too - thought we were divorced - he promised her all kinds of things . . . the jerk! <P>Don't know whether to believe him or her . . .<P>HELP!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>"For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you - plans for good and not evil to give you a hope and a future" Jer. 29:11

You are absolutely not going crazy; you are reacting normally to the upheaval of your entire life--you are probably going to begin questioning everything you once believed in. When the central core of your existence has been so shaken, the effects will be widespread. I went through the very same things you describe. I would try to distract myself until it was so late, I thought I would drop off to sleep out of exhaustion. Then the minute my head hit the pillow, my mind would start racing and mulling over everything, the details of the affair, the mess that was my life, the limited options for the future. Eating was difficult; I started smoking; grinding teeth, yes, that's familiar. Can you afford to do something positive for yourself to distract/take care of yourself from time to time? Therapeutic massage would help with the muscle tension and possible physical pain that results from being under so much stress. Excercise is good too. Reading something enjoyable or doing some mindless but intricate task to occupy yourself also helps, though at first, it may be hard to think of anything else. I, too, am very uncomfortable with the idea of medication and have made it through things without it, though I am far from having my problems resolved. If you feel you are having anxiety attacks, know that they will lessen and go away eventually. Try to breathe deeply when your heart is racing and your palms are sweating, and try to distract yourself with something. Is there something from your past, pre-husband, that you used to love doing? Take it up again; seek out conversation with good friends you can trust, and/or a therapist...even a free "crisis line" if you just need to vent. As for when it will end...it may take a long time to get completely over it, but it DOES goes better, slowly but surely, even when nothing is resolved. Even the awful, gut-wrenching pain of being betrayed begins to dull with time. For me, the worst was the first few weeks, which you are now in the midst of. After that, I was able to function, but every time new evidence of lies and betrayal came back, I felt the blow to my gut and the whole array of feelings came roaring back. But then, over time, even new instances of betrayal began to lose their edge. There was significant improvement in my state of mind, irrespective of what my wayward spouse is doing, within a few months. It has currently been seven months since D-day (though the whole ugly thing had been developing for a while before that) and we are "trying" but I still can't trust him. However I believe in myself more now, and I know now that I am strong enough to get through anything, because what has happened is the worst thing imaginable and yet I survived. You will survive too. There may be times when you feel completely desperate and like you will explode or want to die...but you will get through that. No matter how it ends, YOU will be a better person for what you will learn about yourself and what loves really means. My heart goes out to you; I hope you find the way ahead not too difficult and that you begin to feel better before too long.

THANKYOU ALL,<BR>Having a better day today, It may seem weird but I got my H a new phone and we can text message throughout the day,several times an hour, mostly kid stuff (cant wait to see you naked...)This has really helped, i know it is not dealing with issues, but I feel its too soon for me, I need some time to see I can trust him, then we can work on other issues.This has been a good distraction for me, and I occasionally even laugh.Pretend nothing is wrong for now, how sad.<BR>Hanora, thanks for making me feel "normal" hehe. I am sorry for your pain.I told my H I cannot be the strong one now , he needs to help me. He said he would, he has been non judgemental about the house,no food,bills late, etc...<BR>I can still function at work ok, in fact its a nice relief not to dwell on A.<BR>Hg - Aww did you have to say 2 or 3 years? In the back of my head I was still thinking I am stronger than others we can get over this in 6 mos. or so. OK I know your right, but the prospect of feeling bad for YEARS is creepy. Thankyou for being a faithful friend, I am also sorry for your pain, but glad to have a mentor to lead me.<BR>K9 We are about the same time out (dday)but you seem to be doing much better (happy for you) I also feel that the hurt is leaving and anger is coming I have said some really hurtful things to H. I am waiting for him to come completely out of "fog" so I can start plan B and kick him in the gut,oh ya thats not plan B sorry. Boy, when you said "spinning out of control" you nailed it! I am a planner, you know I think whats the worst scenario then try to plan for it. I had this scenario all wrong.<BR>BGods - I can relate to the night time mind spiral, try this, get some books on tape from the library, maybe Mary HigginsClark and put the earphones under your pillow and listen to book, Make yourself pay attention to story instead of your mind, in a few days you will be able to fall asleep listening to story. I havent figured out how not to wake up at 3 yet! Will let you know. I also think of what they did, I asked, I know, and now she has no power over me with secrets. I also feel he gave her something that was MINE, now I try to view her as I would an old girlfriend. I also have talked with H re: there are so many others at work, and we are working on plan to keep this from happening again. Ex. dont ever say anything bad about wife in front of any other woman, even if I was awful that day, only complain to male friends etc...<BR>try the phone thing I mentioned above, it has really helped, but just keep it light.<BR>Ocatavia, thankyou so much for restating how I feel, and that its ok, but most of all for a loose time frame, I was hoping the worst lasts a month or so. I am sorry this happened to you, but proud of you for getting through 7 months! I wish I knew how I would be in 6 months. I have never had a doubt I could make it, in fact it would have been easier to just leave(my usual modis op) but I do love him and hope this was just a momentary lapse in judgement. thankyou for your encouragement I feel much better now.<BR>Thankyou all for starting my day off on a positive note.<BR>I AM A MULE!!!! Look at that post if you dont get it.<P>------------------<BR>L.

You know, even though I "knew" - as long as he hadn't confessed I still had the option of believing that "they" were all lying. He told me that "they" were trying to get him fired from his position at work (it's against company policy to have sex with people who work for you), and I believed him. Well - I wanted to believe him - so I pushed aside all the evidence and chose to believe him. But when he confessed just 2 wks ago - it was like all that pain that I had been holding for 2 years came forth! All that anger and rage came out too.<P>I told H the other day that I've been mad at him for 2 years and didn't realise it. I am so thankful for the confession ( i think :S )because all that I thought was true is - and I feel justified for suspecting him in the first place. Does that make sense??<P>Hey - I know we are all going to make it to the other side if we keep trying and giving it to God!<P>My H is such a good man - a good daddy - and a good provider - he just messed up - he just made a mistake - a huge one - but it's a sin problem - which doesn't make him a bad person. I love that man with all that I am! I don't know why sometimes, but I do! <P>We are going to another counseling session tonite and I'm a bit nervous. I pray that God helps me to help him. He is wounded too - I think because he can't stand that he hurt me and the kids so bad. <P>Yes - we told the kids - they are older (15, 13, 10) and knew something was up ( we also have a 2 year old ), so we decided to tell them so they wouldn't formulate their own ideas and be scared. We assured them that we weren't getting divorced but I know that it still haunts them. Our oldest daughter (10) was so crushed, but she is working through forgiveness too. Our youngest son (13) is trying to ignore it - so we are trying to get him in counseling too. Our oldest boy (15) is such and easy going kid - he just takes everything in stride. He said he knows that we aren't getting a divorce, so it doesn't bother him. Although he is taking up for his dad a lot - saying I don't need to keep bringing it up. But he has never been in love yet - so he doesn't know what he's talking about. I just think it's funny that he's pulling that guys stick together mentality already!<P>I'm having a better day today - guess cuz H is off work for the 3 day weekend and he's here with me. But whatever the reason - I am thankful for this good day.<P>Be blessed sisters! and . . .<P>BE GOD'S!!!!!<BR>

sadprincess:<P>It's been five weeks since my D-day. I was devastated too. I cried all night...and yes you get that feeling like your heart actually HURTS.....everything you're feeling is normal. I have to say I am feeling a little better. I've started crying alittle less. I went to the doctor at the second week because I had a urinary tract infection??? I explained to the doctor what was going on and told her I was very depressed and couldn't sleep at night. She gave me 2 sleeping pills and wouldn't give me ANY medication and I needed it. I was very disappointed. I used sleepaid for the last four weeks...this past week has been the first week I'm able to sleep a little more at night although I wake up and see the TWO OF THEM TOGETHER...DOES THAT HAPPEN TO YOU!! I GET SO MAD!!!!! My husband knows I'm awake and asks me what's wrong and I TELL HIM THAT I CAN"T SLEEP BECAUSE I SEE THE TWO OF THEM IN MY MIND and it makes me want to throw up!!<P>I don't know how long this will last but just talk to each other as much as you can. I want our marriage to work out but how do you trust again??? How do you know if they're going to CHEAT again....My husband swears he'll never do it again!!! Well, my mother had this saying (even though she doesn't know about this).... we haven't told anyone except for two friends. My mom would say "They jump the fence once....they'll jump it again!!!. What scares me is my mother is usually ALWAYS right!!!! <P>I wish you well...and I have found that walking everyday for a half hour has helped me... I never use to give myself time but I'm finding that ME IS important!!! So take care of yourself... I have two girls to take care of so I'm trying to stay focused...but it hurts like hell. I have lost 11 pounds in four weeks and I can't eat much.... This is a hell of a way to lose weight!! <P>We also read the book SURVIVING AN AFFAIR...have you read that? It helped us tremendously...but the only thing it doesnt' guarantee is WILL THEY DO IT AGAIN!!!!!<P>HAVE A HAPPY EASTER...<P>P>S> I've been married for 17 years and working towards<BR> 18...HOPE WE MAKE IT!!!!<P>SHOCKER17

I know the 2 to 3 year recovery time frame seems daunting, but it is not as bad as it sounds. The anger and pain get much better in the first year....even in the first 6 months....if you are both working together on restoration. It is the rebuilding of trust and learning to deal with the mental images and thoughts that take longer. I don't think this is so bad.....rebuilding trust should take time so you can both be sure that you get it right and build something that is stronger than it was before.<P>As for the mental images while making love.....I know how horrible they are. I have some suggestions for you. First, make love with candles lit or a small lamp on. Look into each other's eyes and say each other's names....concentrate on who you are with. When the images start, say to yourself "I love my husband and he loves me". Talk to him about what you are dealing with. If he is truly repentant and remorseful he is going to want to reclaim this with you and he is devastated by what you are dealing with. Let him help you.<P>Knowing the details is a double-edged sword. My imgaination ran wild when I didn't know them, but the images came into sharper focus when I did. The details were not as bad as I had feared, but they were still hard to deal with. I can tell you from personal experience, though, that they will get better and you will learn to banish them. They rarely come into my mind now and are very easily pushed away if they do. <P>BeGods,<BR>What you describe is pretty much normal. Is it okay? Well, to a point. You need to deal with your anger in healthy and constructive ways. If the anger takes physical form too much, then this is not healthy or constructive. I would especially caution you about letting your children see it. They need to see you rebuilding. I did hit and slap and kick my husband at the revelation of the affair. I'm not proud of that in any way....but it did show him how much I really cared about our marriage.<P>Regarding getting information from the ow..... I wouldn't trust her for the details. She has nothing to lose by lying to you....your husband had much more to lose if he does. Keep in mind that two people in the same room will describe that room so differently after leaving it that you would swear they were never in the same room in the first place. This is especially true between men and women. The only version that matters is your husband's. Make your marriage a safe place for him to be truthful, even when it hurts.<P>It's great that you are in counseling. I would also highly recommend the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is, in my opinion, the best book available for couples who are trying to rebuild. It is scripturally sound and has great information for both of you.<P>Christian, even ministerial, marriages are under attack at an alarming rate. Why are we surprised? We have no special protection from sin....we just have God's grace and forgiveness. It is imperative that we take a different path and work towards restoration. It is possible. My marriage is living proof! My husband's affair lasted about 3 months and was with someone in our former church...someone I actually considered a friend. God orchestrated the revelation and end of that affair though and gave us a second chance. He walked every step towards healing with us and gave us the courage and strength to walk through the valley. We are over 3 years past that awful night now and very happy. What I do here keeps it closer to the surface than if we just healed and walked away from it, but I remember how badly I needed to know that restoration was possible so I keep coming back. God has given me a gift and I believe I have a responsibility to share that gift.<P>Stay the course and don't give up. It is hard...I can't lie....but it is worth it!<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I too have done a lot of reading, searching and praying, I found this passage one day and wrote it down and keep it stuck in the front of my bible. It comes from Proverbs6 verse 32<P>But a man who commits adultery lacks judgement; whoever does so destroys himself.<P>If men would only realize before what it is they are doing and STOP!<P>Not only do they destroy themselves they destroy us the wife, the children, extended family and friends.<P>I wonderwhat price his happiness is costing him and how lonely he will be when he gets to that happiness?<P>I also have an article from the Parade that I have tucked in my bible that I shared with my husband from Michele Weiner-Davis on the subject of Rebuilding, she says couples who successfully repair ther marriages talk about their difficulties and intentions but aalso spend time together without discussing painful topics. They create opportunities to reconnect and nuture their friendship. They take walks, go out to eat and develop new mutual interests.<P>I envy all of you who's spouse are willing to work on repair, mine is not and that hurts.<P>daybreak

I'm really struggling today. We had a very intense counseling session last night. Both the counselors and I believe that there are more affairs both EA and PA that he has not confessed to. He maintains that it is all - but I have too much evidence over the last 14 years - and too many people telling me things. I also "know". I hear from God all the time for other people as I counsel them - I have words of knowledge and prophetic insight for them. My H knows this - but he doesn't seem to realise that I have them for me too. I "know" that there is more. I believe that God has shown me many things as I have been seeking Him for healing. I also believe that there will be a time when he will confess all, because I am praying that all things done in darkness will be brought into God's marvelous light, which is scripture, so I believe that it will happen. It's just the waiting for it to happen that is maddening!!!<P>I told H last night that I don't want to heal, only to have another "revelation" rip the scab off the wound again. Then work at healing again - then have another "revelation" rip the scab again. You know - in the physical realm - if you keep ripping the scab off a wound - it eventually heals but leaves an ugly scar. What I want is total truth right now to get it all over and done with so that we can heal once and for all - not ever having to rip the scab off.<P>anyone else feel this way???<P>Be God's!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>"For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you - plans for good and not evil to give you a hope and a future" Jer. 29:11

BeGods:<P>I too wonder about the past. My counselor also said that with the type of personality my husband has that this is probably not the first affair. I begged him to tell me everything that has gone on during the past 22 years of our marriage. He too swears this is the first and only time. <P>On the other side of this coin is the knowledge that my husband believes very srongly in "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I look at it in a different way than he does. I am not wanting to know so I can inflict more pain. I am wanting to know that I can trust him in the future because I know he was honest about the past. <P>I am taking a very different approach to dealing with my pain. I no longer consider myself "married". He didn't honor the vows, now to me it is only a piece of paper. Marriage was a commitment to me, a joining of two hearts and souls in God's eyes. <P>The promises made on that day are as worthless as the piece of paper they are written on. I am sorry I sound so negative, but it is my way of coping. Now, I am not his "wife" I am not in this marriage because "I have to be, ie-you stay with your spouse because of the marriage license". Now I will be with him and see him as "the other woman". I make no promises, I expect none from you. You will be with me and treat me right because you want to, not because you have to. <P>I am sure this stage will pass for me and I will once again honor what I had, but for now it is my way of saving my self esteem and dignity. He actually told the OW that he knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would never run around on him. I do not ever want him to be so secure in that belief again. Why, because I want him to know he has to work each and every day like I "just might" and love me with everything he has.<P>Everything posted in the above statements is so very true. I have felt everything each of you has. <P>There are times when I get angry over something I see or hear that reminds me of them together.

Sorry, I had company come in. As I was saying I will get mad and my husband will say "what have I done now?" It's nothing he is doing "NOW" it's what is going on in my head. He keeps saying that he has put it behind him, he doesn't want to think about it or her anymore. To him it's a bad dream and we need to put it in the past and go on.<P>So if I show anger or pain he is thinking in terms of Now, I am thinking in terms of everything together. We are currently not living in the same home but we do see more of each other than before the A. In reality I like the arrangement, I feel safe and I can still have the needs I have met at the same time. Selfish? Yes, very much so but his acts of selfishness nearly destroyed me. He too did not use protection, yes I know how this hurts. How dare they! If they want to die because of STD's great! I had no say in the matter, he was sleeping with both of us, plus she had slept with another in the beginning of their A. A mess, a total mess! <P>So, each day does get better, I am getting stronger, I had a hysterectomy 7 days before finding out about the A. The combination of both nearly did me in. Anger, yes I am furious with him. Coping, that I am doing in the best way for me. <P>I am a good person, I was a good wife, I met his needs. I cannot do anything to make what we had better. I cannot do anything to Affai Proof my marriage. 8 months before his A I read the book His needs her Needs, I was following it. <P>If there was anyone in the relationship who had reason to stray it should have been me. He was not meeting half of the needs outlined in that book. But I put my needs aside. No more, I am worthy of the best. If he can't provide that for me, I tried.

Ladies, <BR>Pray for me. Tomorrow we are going back to the "romantic" cabin where I found out about the A. I felt like I need to go back and face evil demons, and I also hope we have fun. I bought a venus razor just in case we have a lot of fun. I am eating now,still wake up at 3 am, able to care for my children appropriatly and focus now. Still have anxiety feeling while he is gone during the day but not as bad. He sent no contact letter last week and as far as I know he has followed through. He still doesnt like to talk about it as much as me (24 hours/day)hehe. I hope Im not being a fool.<BR>Thanks so much for all the support and prayers from people I dont even know.<BR>I am a mule!!!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>L.

Hope you have a good time. It's a good idea to face the demons head on. After all, what have you got to loose? You are the strong one, right. Well, just tell yourself yes and you will be. Hopefully the worst is over for you now.

Im back!<BR>We had a really nice time. I thought going back to the place where I found out would bring back bad thoughts, but I realized, it wasnt the place it is me who thinks them. I asked him to write me a letter discussing the last 4 weeks (since D-day) he wrote a really lovely letter full of hope for the future. He is much more optomistic than me at this point. The triggers are hurting less or am I just numb? <BR>I am a mule!<P>------------------<BR>L.