I saw your post in the divorced/divorcing board, I thought I'd give you my view here. I hope you don't mind.<P><B> At this point in my life I am not contemplating anything except to live through each day. I found out about my Husband's A 9 weeks ago and I usually post on Just found Out. But I am trying to get some feedback from others. Has anyone gone through the he** of an affair with the promise their mate will never do it again only to find out they did?<BR>I am scared to death to invest any more of my life at this point. I am 40 and at this point I feel I would be able to find someone to share my life. I am so afraid of his doing this again maybe later, say when I am 50 and the prospects of finding an available partner are slim. <P>I just know I do not want to spend life alone, and I am scared to trust him. </B><P>Sadly I am a wife who's h had more than 1 A. But please hear I am going to tell you. After the first A (he even left and lived with her for 1 1/2 years) we did nothing to try to insure it wouldn't happen again. No counseling, nothing. She left, I came back , that was it. There was no Marriage Builders forum to help, no support system for me. I was told I just had to get over it and move on. Ha ! <P>12 years later A # 2 happened. He didn't leave and it ended within 12 hours of discovery, BUT this time I made some decisions. We both went to the doctor for STD testing, he had to explain to my doctor why we were there. He had to face everyone we knew this time. We went for counseling with a minister from our church. (I did allow him to pick which one he was most comfortable talking to. ) Aand I told him if he wanted the marriage it would have to be with him knowing and accepting that I didn't trust him and couldn't promuise to ever trust him again.<P>It has been almost 3 years since d-day two, and I can tell<BR>you our marriage is stronger than ever before. <P>I wish I could promise you that your h will never do this again, but I can't. But life has no guarantees. If you leave the marriage, find someone else that person may do the same thing to you. I have learned that sometimes the devil you know is often much better than the one you don't.<P>Hope that was of some help.

Your advice sounds very similar to the advice I've received from others. My physician put me on an antidepressant medication because of anxiety, etc. He told me the same thing. If the marriage was good, 22 years, it's worth trying to save. <P>I have gone to counseling, my husband went twice with me and then stopped. I guess I need to find a counselor he and I both feel comfortable with. The counselor tends to be biased toward me because I had seen him the previous year for other problems we were having.<P>My husband is a man who is a pro at getting others to do what he wishes. He is a fantastic delegator. He bought a business and managed to get me involved in ALL the paperwork and cash aspects of the business. This would be fine in a normal situation, BUT I also had a full time job, I teach school. The resentment had been feeding for a long time, it was at that point I began to see a counselor. Silly me, I went because I THOUGHT he was having an A with one of his employees. That was not the issue, it was not happening, but the resentment toward him, his admiration toward her, she was a team player and would do anything to please him, caused me to feel replaced. <P>This was stupid on my part, I needed someone else to take over some of the responsibilities he had put on me. But, in my feeble mind, I felt the more I gave of myself, the more he had to love me. I was playing a game of Russian Roulette and it finally got me.<P>I let the employee go and our marriage returned to normal. I thought we were doing better than we had in years. Ten months later, wham! I have a hysterectomy and 7 days later find out he has had an affair with a woman out of town for the last 4 months.<P>The hysterectomy, coupled with an A nearly did me in. It's been 10 weeks now. I had him move into a house next door. He's been there about 8 weeks now. The problem now is I am so angry with him. He didn't tell her it was over once I found out, it was almost as if he wanted to keep us both on the line. I hate him for this. <P>He did things for her he would never do for me, I am angry and hate him for this. Last night he asked me if we could not just move back in together, if I was ready, because he didn't want to be out the expense of buying a bed. He'd been sleeping on the floor on a mattress. I told him I was not ready.<P>He spent so much money and time on her, he can darn well afford a bed. I do not have a good attitude, I know. I am so da*** mad at him, I could just shoot him.<P>There were so many lies, so many times he left me to be with her when I was sick. He did stay with me in the hospital but apparantly the two of them had talked about her staying with him in the motel room, as it was out of town, he of course denies this, says it was her idea. I don't believe a word he tells me. He's so full of it.<P>He has said the same thing to me. "Let's forget this and put is behind us and go on". HOW, I am furious, I am absolutely livid with him, how dare he. He used me, he took advantage of me, I gave him all the freedom in the world to do as he pleased. <P>Now he says he doesn't think it's a good idea if either one of us goes out of town with friends for entertainment. Why? Because I did it. I actually went out of town with a friend and went out. He says if we are back together it will be different. Yeah, for him, then he can continue to leave and go without me when I can't get off work. He bought a motorcycle two years ago and is into the Rallies. This is not a place for a married man without his wife. He thinks I need to give him a chance to prove that he will not do anything wrong. How? How do I know what he's doing? I swear sometimes he thinks I am stupid.<P>I am sorry to be ranting and raving, today was not good. He brought up a subject that set me off. He bought a new motorcycle seat in Nov. I have my own bike, but out of the blue he buys a better seat, one with a comfortable passenger seat. I asked if he bought it for her, he said no. I asked her, she said yes. Tonight he had the nerve to say that he'd been looking to buy this seat for me. It made me so mad. Lies again and again. Why can't he tell the truth? He did NOT buy the stupid seat for me he bought it for her comfort. <P>I really wonder if I am ever going to work this out. He is really trying, It is me who is pushing him away, I can't get over this anger.<P>Thank you for your response, It is always good to hear news of it working out for others, I know it had to be so hard for you. You must have great strength. sometimes I feel I have no heart anymore. He destroyed my marriage, I don't feel like I am in a marriage anymore. This is not good, I know. I am so bitter.

Whoa, slow down there hon. Don't be so hard on yourself ! Ten weeks is no time at all when it comes to d-day/recovery. And you just had major surgery, and your hormones have to be all over the place at this point !! Even if you are on replacement therapy it takes the body and the the mind time to adjust.<P>First understand that you don't have to make any promises to h that you will stay right now. I refused to promise that for 3 or 4 months after the last d-day. <P>Belive me I know how cruel their *unthinking* acts and words are. Aand when they do things for *them* that we never got it hurts even worse. But you know they do those things because they are trying to impress ow with how wonderful they are. Believe me it wouldn't last long if the got ow. New romances are wonderful and I believe if more men treated their w's like they did when they were dating (and visa-versa) more marriages would be wonderful. <P>Take care of you, tell h it will take time and work to get over this, if you had done it to him I doubt he would just just get over it that fast. <P>My whole story is posted here <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003227.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003227.html</A> it may help you, it may not. <P>

Thank you for your reply. Yes, you are right, it has been too short a period of time and too much has happened to me. My husband is just going to have to weather this storm with me or find another ocean. I cannot and refuse to make a decision based on what's best for him right now.<P>He says he is not trying to pressure me, that he will give me the time I need. At the same time he is saying "If you push me away I will build walls and they won't come down"<P>My opinion? Build. I am not worried about his inability to withstand the heat. I guess I need to know what strength and character he really has. Get over it and go on is not going to work for me.<P>My intent is not so much to hurt him as to know what it is I really want out of life. If hurting him is the result, I am sorry. Shi* happens. He chose a path that caused me great pain, he chose a path that did not take my feelings into consideration. Now, I will choose a path, my own. I know I want to keep my marriage. But I need to know that it will be the best decision for me. Not one made out of fear of being alone.<P>I cannot explain how this has affected my entire outlook on life. I lead a pretty sheltered easy life. Parents married until death did they part. Myself, 22 years up and downs of course, but nothing major. This has caused me to look at things through different eyes. Makes no sense to me, but in a way I know now there are no guarantees in life. In a way maybe I feel that life is for living, and to make the best of it for yourself. Selfish? Yes, in a way it is, Selfless, yes that was the old me. Lived my life to make everyone around me comfortable and happy. <P>I am not saying I will not give of myself, but I will only give a part now. I will never again give it all. I will keep some of it for myself.<P>Again, thank you for your post. I read your original post and it sounds like you have a lot of experience with the turbulance of life. It has made you a strong person, I guess in some way bad things can be turned around and used as a strengthening tool.<P>I hope all goes well for you, your spirit and determination speak highly of yourself.