This is my first time posting. My husband had a girlfriend that he was to have married before we met and she backed out. He joined the AF and we met, talked about the girlfriend, were friends did a lot of things together, set him up with friends of mine that thought that he was cute I wasn't interested in him at the time, And then at sometime I am not sure things just feel into place for the two of us, he pursued me. Things happened and we talked aboout a future, he went back to NY to make sure that it was over with her and she was not there, she had moved to FL, he returned and two months later we decided to get married, he was 20 and I 18, we got married within 6 months, and had a baby 9 months later. This was 20 years ago this week. Things were pretty good over the years, he had had contact with her over the years and I tried to understand this as she had come from a large family and he felt a part of that family as he hung out there as a kid asnd was friends with many of her siblings. We had a blow or two in the past as he would hide contact with her so as not to hurt me.<P>In 98 he had to go to Korea for a year and while there the communication between the two started up and he now thinks that it has been love for her all of these years, not that he didn't love me anymore it was just different. A month before he was to come home we had a big blow and I said that he should maybe make the next move by himself, we did a lot of talking over the e mail and was ready to end everything, did discuss the three kids and how this would effect them and how they looked at people leaving or saying good-bye in the future, he had shared with her that we were going to divorce, we didn't! We agreed to stay together and to work on things, if I found MB before I guess I might have known how to work on things, but we just kept going things werenn't great they were good though or so I thought. I had always made jokes about him calling her while he was gone on trips so not to bother me and we would laugh.<P>This Jan. he had a trip to FL for his job and I never even thought about him seeing her as she was on the other side of the state, but I walked into his office a few days before his departure and caught part of an e mail about her insecurities on her weight and he had replied that it didn't matter to him how she looked he loved her, needless to say I was thrown for a loop and was escorted out of the office and to the car in tears of course and was told that he felt the need to see her. I knew that there had been communication over ther years just not that type I guess. (I was trusting)He went and did call me while he was gone like normal. He returned on a Sat and was to leave again that Mon, so finally Sunday night before I left for work I asked if we were going to talk about his vist or what? He said that he wanted a D and that it was her that he loved and needed to be with. I did ask if anything intimate had happened while he was in FL and he assured me that it had not and I do trust him on this matter. I cried alot and got mad, I have tried to be understanding as he turned 40 this year, his military career was coming to an end unless he made the next promotion that was due out in March and we had been married 20 years, I had heard and read that any of these things can cause trouble for a marriage and thought that we had just gotten hit with all of them at once and that wasn't fair. He is very adament in how he feels, and I did get us to counselor and all I could do was cry and was told by the counselor that I need to see her on my own so that I could get on with my life that the marriage was over, this was after an hour with her, needless to say I did not go back to her, did get another counselor to see us, and said that we had things to work on but that she considered herself a good counselor but that my husband need to see someone on his own to understand what he had done and why, he has refused, this is the way he feels and no one is going to change his mind. <P>We had originally agreeed to June so that the kids could finish school but as we went through counselors and things and I have researched on my own I haved decicided that D is not what I want right now and have stated that I believe that we need to work on our marriage and give our three reasons (kids) a chance, but that he needed to stop all communication with her and once he did that the 6 months would start, 2 months have went by and he is still communicating with her, I restated this in a letter I addressed to him tonight, so will see, It's like he is afraid that someone may talke him out of what he wants and he doesn't want that to happen.<P>I have had many bad days but have a good counselor and have arrangements in the works for me and my kids to go on with our lives alone if need be, my parents have been very supportative.<P>We have many financial obligations left from the past so have been working on them the last 2 years, so by the time a D is final those should be taken care of. But have not worked out side of the home in a "career" have had many odd jobs, so hope to find a job that will take life experiences.<P>I still have hope and faith that we will resolve the situation, there is alot of quiteness and coldness in our house, but we were one of those couples that didn't leave the house or end a phone conversation without the "I love you" and a kiss and those are still happening, don't know if that is good or bad. I haven't told my best friend yet and he seems to be pushing for me to do that, her husband is coming to visit next week on business and plan on having lunch with him together.<P>I have worked very hard to keep my cool and not to say anything that I may regret later on, but somedays I think that he is pushing me so that I blow up and the blame wont all be his. I feel very cheated as he chooses to share things and commuincate with her and by doing so is taking away things from me that he should be mine.<P>Believe it or not I have forgiven him, and just believe that he is at a confused point in his life, and that he needs help finding his way back to me and his family, I want to help him but he doesn't want that help yet so will try and wait til he does.<P>We did go out on our Anniversary this past week, never did say happy anniversary through out the day or dinner (I found an e mail tonight, I hadn't checked that account) he said that the 20 years where good and we had accomplished more then most people but still had to go into how he loves her and how he now understands that that is what it has been all of these years, I thought how sad that on our anniversary he was trying to justify what he had done.<P>Wow I didn't cry once while typing this, and that is good for me, not sure why I wrote this book perhaps I need some feed back that is not biased, No matter what I love him and always will and will always have our three children.<P>Please let me know what it is you think, am I handling this in the right way? what should I be trying, I think I am working the plan A, not sure that I want to or can afford to go onto plan B yet. So need suggestions, Help!<P>Thanks for reading! I love the forum, C ya daybreak<BR>

Welcome, and when you get a chance read this thread of welcome by NSR <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>I think you are doing a great Plan A ! Old loves are hard to compete with. Because they tend to become almost dream like. Where everything was perfect and all there was was love . <P>I don't know if your H will leave or not but even if he does he may discover the grass isn't as green as he thinks it will be I Know, been there done that. I have to run but you can read my story here <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003227.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003227.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

I have to agree with Bozos, he's not in true "love" with this woman. He is living in a fairy tale land. What you have together is "Life". People change, when you are together as a coupld you change together. Have you ever heard the song "I thank God for unanswered prayers" it talks about the same type of situation. Your husband is not in love with what is but rather what might have been. <P>I would have a very hard time dealing with what you are going through. Myself, I would probably say, If you think that is what you want, Go. I promise it would be no time at all when he realized what he gave up could in no way ever compare to what he went to. It's a hard call, I feel for you. You are in my prayers.<P>Stay strong for yourself and your children. I know what it's like to invest 20+ years in a marrriage, believe me any decision you make now will be the hardest you'll ever make.

Greetings, Daybreak.<P>I am so sorry to hear of your pain, but I am glad you have found us.<P>I think that you wrote "this book" in part to try and put all the things you have experienced in a logical order and that you are trying to comprehend and accept it all. I think that is great. I think that is a major step in your own recovery.<P>When you look at the other parts of this site outlined in the welcome post that NSR has put together (the one that Deb has already pointed you to), pay particular attention to the parts about "The Fog" that Wayward Spouses (WSs) find themselves in.<P>Right now your Husband (H) is "in love" with an ideal. He has not had to wake up next to this Other Woman (OW) day in and day out. He has not had to deal with her first hand when she has had PMS or any other just plain bad day. He has not had to deal with foot oder, bad breath, or shaving stubble. <P>...It is easy to fool one's self into thinking that one is in love with such a "perfect" person!<P>The thing for you to remember is that he is fooling himself. He acknowledges that his life with you is good. That is a great start.<P>There are a lot of suggestions on this site to help you try to get your marriage back on track. They may not work, but even if you still end up divorced you can do so knowing that you have done all you can.<P>You will be a better person for trying and that's all anyone can ask!<P>Take care of yourself and come back and let us know how you're doing. There are a lot of caring people on this board.<P>All the best.<BR>--HBC

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by daybreak:<BR><B>This is my first time posting. My husband had a girlfriend that he was to have married before we met and she backed out. He joined the AF and we met, talked about the girlfriend, were friends did a lot of things together, set him up with friends of mine that thought that he was cute I wasn't interested in him at the time, And then at sometime I am not sure things just feel into place for the two of us, he pursued me. Things happened and we talked aboout a future, he went back to NY to make sure that it was over with her and she was not there, she had moved to FL, he returned and two months later we decided to get married, he was 20 and I 18, we got married within 6 months, and had a baby 9 months later. This was 20 years ago this week. Things were pretty good over the years, he had had contact with her over the years and I tried to understand this as she had come from a large family and he felt a part of that family as he hung out there as a kid asnd was friends with many of her siblings. We had a blow or two in the past as he would hide contact with her so as not to hurt me.<P>In 98 he had to go to Korea for a year and while there the communication between the two started up and he now thinks that it has been love for her all of these years, not that he didn't love me anymore it was just different. A month before he was to come home we had a big blow and I said that he should maybe make the next move by himself, we did a lot of talking over the e mail and was ready to end everything, did discuss the three kids and how this would effect them and how they looked at people leaving or saying good-bye in the future, he had shared with her that we were going to divorce, we didn't! We agreed to stay together and to work on things, if I found MB before I guess I might have known how to work on things, but we just kept going things werenn't great they were good though or so I thought. I had always made jokes about him calling her while he was gone on trips so not to bother me and we would laugh.<P>This Jan. he had a trip to FL for his job and I never even thought about him seeing her as she was on the other side of the state, but I walked into his office a few days before his departure and caught part of an e mail about her insecurities on her weight and he had replied that it didn't matter to him how she looked he loved her, needless to say I was thrown for a loop and was escorted out of the office and to the car in tears of course and was told that he felt the need to see her. I knew that there had been communication over ther years just not that type I guess. (I was trusting)He went and did call me while he was gone like normal. He returned on a Sat and was to leave again that Mon, so finally Sunday night before I left for work I asked if we were going to talk about his vist or what? He said that he wanted a D and that it was her that he loved and needed to be with. I did ask if anything intimate had happened while he was in FL and he assured me that it had not and I do trust him on this matter. I cried alot and got mad, I have tried to be understanding as he turned 40 this year, his military career was coming to an end unless he made the next promotion that was due out in March and we had been married 20 years, I had heard and read that any of these things can cause trouble for a marriage and thought that we had just gotten hit with all of them at once and that wasn't fair. He is very adament in how he feels, and I did get us to counselor and all I could do was cry and was told by the counselor that I need to see her on my own so that I could get on with my life that the marriage was over, this was after an hour with her, needless to say I did not go back to her, did get another counselor to see us, and said that we had things to work on but that she considered herself a good counselor but that my husband need to see someone on his own to understand what he had done and why, he has refused, this is the way he feels and no one is going to change his mind. <P>We had originally agreeed to June so that the kids could finish school but as we went through counselors and things and I have researched on my own I haved decicided that D is not what I want right now and have stated that I believe that we need to work on our marriage and give our three reasons (kids) a chance, but that he needed to stop all communication with her and once he did that the 6 months would start, 2 months have went by and he is still communicating with her, I restated this in a letter I addressed to him tonight, so will see, It's like he is afraid that someone may talke him out of what he wants and he doesn't want that to happen.<P>I have had many bad days but have a good counselor and have arrangements in the works for me and my kids to go on with our lives alone if need be, my parents have been very supportative.<P>We have many financial obligations left from the past so have been working on them the last 2 years, so by the time a D is final those should be taken care of. But have not worked out side of the home in a "career" have had many odd jobs, so hope to find a job that will take life experiences.<P>I still have hope and faith that we will resolve the situation, there is alot of quiteness and coldness in our house, but we were one of those couples that didn't leave the house or end a phone conversation without the "I love you" and a kiss and those are still happening, don't know if that is good or bad. I haven't told my best friend yet and he seems to be pushing for me to do that, her husband is coming to visit next week on business and plan on having lunch with him together.<P>I have worked very hard to keep my cool and not to say anything that I may regret later on, but somedays I think that he is pushing me so that I blow up and the blame wont all be his. I feel very cheated as he chooses to share things and commuincate with her and by doing so is taking away things from me that he should be mine.<P>Believe it or not I have forgiven him, and just believe that he is at a confused point in his life, and that he needs help finding his way back to me and his family, I want to help him but he doesn't want that help yet so will try and wait til he does.<P>We did go out on our Anniversary this past week, never did say happy anniversary through out the day or dinner (I found an e mail tonight, I hadn't checked that account) he said that the 20 years where good and we had accomplished more then most people but still had to go into how he loves her and how he now understands that that is what it has been all of these years, I thought how sad that on our anniversary he was trying to justify what he had done.<P>Wow I didn't cry once while typing this, and that is good for me, not sure why I wrote this book perhaps I need some feed back that is not biased, No matter what I love him and always will and will always have our three children.<P>Please let me know what it is you think, am I handling this in the right way? what should I be trying, I think I am working the plan A, not sure that I want to or can afford to go onto plan B yet. So need suggestions, Help!<P>Thanks for reading! I love the forum, C ya daybreak</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi ya daybreak,<BR>I think you must be a very strong women to go through this, I hope your husband sees what he has with you,before its to late, alot of women wouldnt do like you or couldnt take it.I know you are in pain, but trust in God and hang on,I think there is going to be a great reward in the end for you.I just wanted you to know that I think you are a great Lady.:-)<BR>Harmony4u <BR>

I see now how I suppose to post the reply,sorry about the repeat of the message,sometimes I cant see for looking:-)<P>Harmony4u