First of all, I never realized just how many people have experienced what I have....I felt so alone and I felt strange.<P>My husband and I have just recently returned to church, it's been about 6 weeks now since our first service at this new church and it's been a life changing experience for us. Our relationship has never been stronger. <P>But last weekend, he felt he had to tell me something. He kept saying that he had been terrible to me and that he wasn't a good husband and that he didn't have a clean heart. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about because he never gave me any indication that he had done anything wrong. In fact, if anyone had done anything wrong, it was me against him because I had not been as giving to him as I should have. But we had been working on that and I was seriously getting a lot better. He had been away last weekend at a convention, and it was the first time since almost our first year of marriage that I truly missed him (we've been married for 6 1/2 years). <P>Well, last Sunday he told me that he had done something and that he knows that God has forgiven him, but he didn't know if I would. And that's when he admitted that he had had an affair about 2 years ago. I was numb, shocked, and broke down. My self esteem, which had just started getting better, was shot down to the ground. I know it was only physical with this woman. I know that he hasn't had contact with her for over a year. And I know because of our renewed faith in God that he won't do it again. <P>But what I don't understand is how I could forgive him so easily. I forgave him that same night. I can't live without him. I love him too much. But I feel strange that I can feel that it is OK between us. Of course it isn't completely ok, but I feel that I'm alright with this. I need some self assurance that I'm not crazy or I'm not in denial because I don't feel that I am. I just know that God is watching over us and He has a plan for us, and unfortunately, this was part of His plan. <P>I know the trust is really not where it used to be, but the thing is I can't be angry at him. I can't because he is not the person who had the affair 2 years ago. He is a completely different person than he used to be. And I'm a completely different person too. Two years ago, I didn't let my husband have any type of sexual relationship with me. I think we went at least 6 months straight without sex. I never thought of sex as a physical need, but I guess it can be for some people. I completely pushed him away, and wouldn't let him touch me. I'm not blaming myself for the affair, but it does give me a reason why he went and did it. I truly do not believe it would have happened otherwise. But then again, we were completely different people back then.<P>The people I have told about this are completely shocked by this. Anyone who knows my husband would never imagine him doing something like this. Then again, I think he and I put on a darn good show for everyone else. But even he had ME fooled. I never thought he was capable of this. <P>It hurts, but then again, I'm angry at someone who no longer exists. I just need a little self assurance here because I don't want to feel like I"m foolish for loving him so much.<P>
