In case you haven't read my story - A month ago I found out my husband was having an affair. He was out of town on a project and I opened the cell phone bill and saw a number over 100 times in a month. Then, on a credit card bill was an airline ticket flying her up there for a week. I was and am completely devastated. We have been married only 3 years but together for 10. I will admit we were having major intimacy problems and not having sex very often at all and I knew this bothered him as it did me. Other than that things were wonderful so I guess this was just something I kept thinking we would eventually adress. I never dreamed in a million years he would do this. In the past month we have started counseling. He is still on that project and it is suppose to end this week. An 8 week project out of town! He is going to counseling as well. He tells me he wants our marriage to work but doesn't know if it can. He feels like he has ruined any change of recovering from this and damaged it beyond repair. He is also scared that if we do get through the affair that we will go back to the way things were and he says he can't live without the intimacy and felt like he was living with his best friend. I want the intimacy too and will do whatever I need to in order to address the problem. However, I am not getting the re-assurances from him. He just keeps saying that things seem beyond repair and seems to be wallowing in misery. I am going crazy with worry. As of two weeks ago he says he has called it off with this girl. How do I know? How do I trust him? <P>My question - When can I ask him all the questions I have in my head that are driving me crazy and standing in the way of recovery? I do have some questions about the OW. I have alot of questions about lots of charges on our credit card bills. I can trace these charges to nights he was out without me. He gets very defensive and angry when I start asking questions and feels like I am doing "investigative" work. Of course I am!! I didn't before all this happened because I trusted him! I would say who cares if he gets mad but I don't want to push him into running away and giving up. He is in that fragile state right now. I feel like I don't ever think he would leave me really but then again I really don't know what this OW is to him even though he tells me he loves me and wants our marriage to work. Should I wait to ask the questions until we are in our counselor's office together? I am thinking so since it will be a controlled environment and maybe I would get some answers instead of total defensiveness. I don't know how to hold it all in though. Also, we are taking a pre-planned vacation next week starting April 28th. We decided to go through with it and hope for the best possible. I don't want to stir up a bunch of stuff before we leave but I am so miserable. Any Advice????

t. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Thank you Rodger.....I think you are right..I should wait until after the trip and then address these in counseling. Why can't they just be 100% honest now?? Get it all out in the open so we can start healing. It is just so MEAN. He says he hates the person he is and I say THEN CHANGE IT. I am getting so tired of his pity party he is having. He says he is so miserable, so sorry he has hurt me, thinks maybe things can't be fixed, hates the person he has become, etc. I have told him I WANT to forgive him and do my part but I need some things from him too. I hope it works out for us both! Good luck to you.

. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Hi adviceplease,<P>Well, talk about a small world...I'm a <I>former</I> accountant from Houston.<P>I'm about 14 mos. post D-Day, have read several of the Harley books and been on this site for close to a year, so I think I know a little bit.<P>I took the time to scan at least most of your posts. One question: did you read the links that Jim (NSR) gave you <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000738.html" TARGET=_blank>here</A>? I see you've been posting regularly, and that's good, but the foundation of this place is Dr. Harley's principles. If you don't learn <B>and</B> apply them you'll be wasting your time here . I look on the forums as a place to get support and coaching about applying the principles.<P>In particular, I suggest that you start with Dr. Harley's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Q&A Column on How to Survive Infidelity</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR's Plan A 101</A> post.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by adviceplease:<BR><B>I will admit we were having major intimacy problems and not having sex very often at all and I knew this bothered him as it did me. Other than that things were wonderful so I guess this was just something I kept thinking we would eventually adress.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>I believe that it's never the fault of the BS that a WS has an affair. However, usually the marriage was <B>not</B> really so wonderful from the standpoint of the WS. <B>Both</B> spouses usually have some responsibility for that. Don't assume he was mostly happy with things--you need to find out and address things such as lovebusters and ENs (see the Plan A post I referenced above).<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>In the past month we have started counseling. He is still on that project and it is suppose to end this week. An 8 week project out of town! He is going to counseling as well. He tells me he wants our marriage to work but doesn't know if it can.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Pretty good signs, I think. Be sure the counselor is pro-marriage (a lot aren't) and will work with Marriage Builder principles or similar ones.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>He feels like he has ruined any change of recovering from this and damaged it beyond repair. He is also scared that if we do get through the affair that we will go back to the way things were...<BR>...I am not getting the re-assurances from him. He just keeps saying that things seem beyond repair and seems to be wallowing in misery. I am going crazy with worry. As of two weeks ago he says he has called it off with this girl. How do I know? How do I trust him?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>It's usually up to the BS to work on things and have hope for rebuilding the marriage. The WS has already given up and shown it by having an affair. This is <B>not</B> fair or course, but it's reality.<P>His misery may actually be a good sign. If he really has called it off he's in withdrawal from her and the depression is normal. I know I'm harping on this, but you do need to read those links to know what is normal to expect. As for trust, no you can't trust him. WSs are very good liars . However, try not to be overly insecure, it tends to be a lovebuster. However, if he's sincere about working on things and you can calmly explain your concern, it is reasonable for him to be accountable for his time, available by cell phone, etc.<BR> <BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>My question - When can I ask him all the questions I have in my head that are driving me crazy and standing in the way of recovery?<P>...He gets very defensive and angry when I start asking questions and feels like I am doing "investigative" work. <P>...he tells me he loves me and wants our marriage to work. Should I wait to ask the questions until we are in our counselor's office together</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>The things you need to focus on are finding out about lovebusters and ENs, not the OW. You'll probably get answers in time. If he's willing, make an agreement about asking a certain amount of questions maybe once a week, then not again for another week.<P>If he gets defensive and angry you're <B>lovebusting</B>. It may not seem fair, but your spouse is the one who gets to define lovebusting, not you. Most WSs, even in recovery, just want to forget the whole thing. This drives we BSs crazy, but it's the way it is. If you have to ask, agree in advance to limit the times you'll talk about it or you'll damage your chances at recovery. Every time you ask, you're rubbing his nose in the fact that he did a terrible thing and withdrawing <B>love units</B>(another term from those links ).<P>OK, you have your homework, now go to it . Seriously, think about these things, and let me know if this is helpful.<P>Best wishes,<P>Steve<BR><p>[This message has been edited by StillHers (edited April 20, 2001).]

Rodger and StillHers - thank you so much for the responses. They help me more than you can know. I just feel so unhappy that my life has turned into this at this early stage. It makes me so sad. Anyway, it really helps me. I am reading all the books and links and will start to apply. Were you able to get your spouses to read this as well so you could both be working on them? He took the book for a week when he went out of town but I don't think he read much of it. Again, thank you for the wonderful advice. I hope you are both happy after all this!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by adviceplease:<BR><B><BR>Were you able to get your spouses to read this as well so you could both be working on them?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>After a couple of months in recovery, she did read some of the Harley books and concepts with me, and began to work on things more actively.<P>The story is somewhat complicated in that she surreptitiously continued contact with her OM for a couple of months. Also, she later had significant mental health problems and depression shortly after we had started doing a lot better. I posted the story on the "Profiles" post.<P>I think we're starting to recover again, and am somewhat more optimistic than my tone in that post.<P>Steve<BR>