I found out 5 weeks ago that my W has been having an affir with a coworker. i have moved out to give her space. she has told me that she is distacing from him but found out today that she is still seing him. i still want to stay with her and work things out but dont now what else i can do. i have wrote her love letters, gave her roses, and told her that i believe in her and that i want to stay togerther what else can i do.

six shooter -- You know who this is. . .Relax a little bit.<P>Take time to think and pray.<P>As you and I talked tonight, you need to start looking out for yourself and your children.<P>I won't take the time here, to restate what we have already talked about, just know that you are not alone.<P>God Bless<P><BR>

I'm sorry for your pain...infidelity is a horrible crisis in a marriage, but it is a survivable one. Don't make any hasty decisions right now and don't make any decisions out of anger.<P>I suggest you do some reading. The Harley's books are listed here. I also highly recommend Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and After the Affair by janis Spring. Both have excellent information that can help you even with the state of limbo you find yourself in.<P>I also high recommend counseling. It can give you a safe zone to deal with your anger and begin working to process what is going on right now.<P>There are many more success stories here....My marriage is just one. Take each day as it comes and don't worry about tomorrow. If you have a personal relationships with Jesus Christ, I encourage you to lean fully on Him right now. If not, I encourage you to consider seeking Him out. He is the One who brought me and my marriage through the valley and back to wholeness. My husband and I had to take the tools He offered us and do the work, but He led us each step of the way.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Six shooter,<P>I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. My H is the WS and has moved out.<P>HGBrawner gave you great advice, follow what was suggested. Surving An Affair was a very good book for me. I would suggest that you read all you can and relax. Read the general welcome to new builder by NSR. It has a LOT of great information and links.<P>Please know that you are not alone. Empty Shell did a very good thing to bring you here. You've come to the right place. Please read, post, vent, cry here with us. We will be here for you during this very difficult time.<P>Relax and breathe. It will get better with time.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<P>K

HGBrawner & Knewjie -- I want to thank you both for taking the time to reply to six shooter. <P>six shooter does not have ready access to a computer, so he may only be able to access this forum from my house for a while, but he will read your replies tomorrow.<P>He has read the General Welcome. I had printed out all the concepts for his W a long time ago, before she started her A, so he has a hard copy of all the concepts. He also read a lot of different posts while he was here earlier this evening. . . <P>Finances are obviously an issue for him right now, but between my W and I and six shooters parents we will provide whatever help we can. We have copies of Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs which we can lend to him if he is interested.<P>He has talk with his pastor, and I encouraged him tonight to talk more with him. He has been going to counselling. In fact he was told tonight by his father to continue going to counselling on a weekly basis, and that he would pay if six shooter could not afford it.<P>Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for replying to him.<P>God Bless

Hello, Six Shooter.<P>I am so sorry that you are in this position. Have you read all the links from One Going on this board? You may find them helpful. HGBrawner mentioned several good books and she is a very wise, wonderful lady. <P>This site is a great support, please keep in touch to let us know how you are doing. Counseling, lots of reading and making permanent changes will help you in reparing you and your relationship. <P>May the Lord comfort you in this time of need.

Hi sixshooter, I was in the position of your wife once, and I have some suggestions for you, based on my experience.<P>First, I am so sorry for your pain! I was also in your position, 5 times to be exact (that I know of) when my ex-H had several affairs.<P>Wisdom borne of pain... and I'd like to share it with you...<P>First, can you move back home? You need to NOT give her space. I know she *thinks* that's what she needs, but it isn't. It only gives her more free time to pursue the OM.<P>Next, stop sending flowers and gifts right now. Yes, tell her you love her, and you can *occasionally* send gifts and cards and stuff, but she will feel smothered. Yes, you want to be a presence, no, you don't want to overdo it.<P>Then, make your presense known to the OM. It can be as simple as showing up at her job to actually facing him -- maybe in the parking lot. Tell him you'll turn him into the management... yeah, it will tick her off...but it might speed the process that NEEDS TO HAPPEN, which is to put the affair out into the open and take away the secretiveness/specialness of the relationship.<P>I can tell you that the love she feels for the OM is real. I know that hurts, and for that I'm sorry. Treat her with care as much as possible because she's gonna need a shoulder.<P>Finally, you can't do anything about this part now, but she needs to QUIT her job. I know, I used all the excuses and so did my ex-H: we needed money, the job was good... but now that I'm divorced I know that I *should* have quit. Every day when I went to work I rubbed salt in the already very open wound in my then-H's heart.<P>You're in a good place here on MB. I don't usually hang out on this forum but your friend Empty Shell is a friend of mine... and he mentioned you were coming by...<P>Best wishes...keep posting and asking questions.. .and read, read, read... also, could you get your W to post here too???<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Raskal -- Thank You for replying to six shooter.<P>new_beginning -- Sheryl, Thank You so much. I too told six shooter that he needs to back off of his W for now. Work on himself, take steps necessary to protect and support his chidlren if necessary, but to let her come to him for a change.<P>He has asked to come back home. It was definitely not his idea to move out, and she has refused to let him come back.<P>As far as her quitting her job . . . Would probably be a good idea, but she makes close to 3 times what six shooter makes, and is the primary provider for the family. I work with her, and we work for a large enough company that avoiding any contact with her OM would be easy to do if she wanted. I have even considered filing a complaint with management (the company does not look to kindly on infidelity) but don't know if this is the right course of action. I have been praying about this a lot, but still don't know what, if anything, I should do at work.<P>six shooter has talked with the OM. In fact the OM just flat doesn't care that six shooter's W is married. She continues to lie to him as well, so a confrontation would do nothing but lead to a physical confrontation, which would not be a good thing.<P>Also, I have been trying to get his W to come to MB for over a year now. . .She is VERY involved in her A, and knows from reading here in the past, that she will be told that what she is doing is wrong. . . Not what she wants to hear, so getting her to post here would be difficult at best.<P>Thank You again Sheryl.<P>God Bless

six shooter,<BR> <BR>So sorry you have a need to be here but I want to assure you, you are in excellent hands. Between having this forum as a tool and Empty Shell as a friend, you have lots of guidance through a very difficult time. <P>Please be aware that as you read through the many posts here, we have all been or currently are in your place in one way or another. A situation that seems to be hopeless and too painful to bear IS survivable. And, as in my case, sometimes turns out to be even better than you dreamed possible. <P>There IS hope. Don't turn your back,,don't give up. It's a long hard road,,be it can be well worth all the effort. Good luck to you.

Welcome, six shooter. How lucky you are to have ES as a friend.<P>I'm another of I guess what you'd call a success story around here. Take heart, ok? Things are terrible right now and I do know how you are hurting, but there is hope and lots that you can do.<P>A quick history for you, Robert (my H) moved out and left me for the OW and they lived together for about 7 months. They planned a future, opened joint bank accounts, the whole nine yards. This infidelity stuff is intoxicating!<P>He's been home for more than a year and we're doing very well. We love each other very much. So much has happened, so much can change, for you and for her, so just hang on, friend, ok?<P>I know ES is walking you through this site and that's the best thing for you right now. Learning, understanding and knowing that there are so many of us out here who really do know exactly how you feel. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but it will get better. And you are not alone.<P>Hang in there, we're here if you need us.<P>Hi, Es - give hopeful my love, too!<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

hey SixShooter,<P>Just follow what is suggested these people are still getting thru a really rough time, no EA or PA on either side in my marriage. But pray and pray and pray when you think you cannot pray anymore then pray somemore.

Hi sixshooter and ES,<P>Just a quick note:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Empty Shell:<BR><B>As far as her quitting her job . . . Would probably be a good idea, but she makes close to 3 times what six shooter makes, and is the primary provider for the family. I work with her, and we work for a large enough company that avoiding any contact with her OM would be easy to do if she wanted. I have even considered filing a complaint with management (the company does not look to kindly on infidelity) but don't know if this is the right course of action. I have been praying about this a lot, but still don't know what, if anything, I should do at work.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It can be done, of course (Hi Lostva! her H still works with the OW, I believe) but it is the minority that can swing it!<P>The <B>biggest mistake</B> I made (besides the affair, of course) was to <B>keep working with the OM</B>.<P>Listen, David said the same to me: need to work, need the money... but now... he says that we NEVER EVER should have done things that way.<P>Let me tell you what the OM said to me the day I left, which was nearly 18 months after the affair... I was leaving, I was 13 days away from my final divorce, so I thought what the heck, I'll let him say his peace. He told me he always loved me, always would, blah, blah, blah... do you realize how stupid/hurtful/wrong those words were to hear? Here I was, for 18 months, trying to avoid this man who I *couldn't* avoid because we worked together, and my then-H was dealing with my going to work daily with the guy, and this man carried a torch (for gawd knows what reason... not to mention he had this common-law wife he "loved")...<P>...and my point?... I do have one ...<P>Now that we're divorced and living apart, we both have to live without the other's salary. I *have* no salary right now, actually. David is with the children (two adults; one who can't seem to hold a job, and the other who has a part-time job and can't really help Dad too much financially, and our 16 yr. old son) and he says, "God Sher, I am living without your salary. We could have done it." Hindsight, you know?<P>Although, as I said, it *can* be done... it RARELY works... just ask around... at least 40 hours a week of **awake** and **looking good** (you look your best for work!) time is spent with the other person... tons of time to have needs met by them... and you, as the spouse, gets about the same amount of asleep time, if you're lucky (which in six's case he's not, since isn't living at home) and about another 40 hours of sweatpants/jeans/casual-looking time (possibly holding a toilet brush or cleaning the cat box, or assorted other daily ickies)... not really the best light to be remembered in.<P>You know, I think I'll copy this and make it a thread...I think it's very, very important!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

thanks for taking the time to reply to my post everyone. the other problem i am having is that she wont talk to me and when she does she gets upset with me. the OP doesent care if im still in the picture. i can see that he is playing a game with her but she cant see that. we have 4 kids together. she has had her tubes tied but the OP wants kids of his own. i also dont think he can hadel all four kids because of their age. the kids are 7,5,3,1. i have told her that it will be a mader of time before he can't take it any more. plus my 7 yearold is ADHD and needs someone that understands what he is going thruogh.

Sixshooter:<P>Go back to your home. The courts can perceive this as<BR>abandonment. This is your home. You are not having an affair so why should you leave? Let her leave but you do not leave your home. Your children need you and you should be living in your home now!

I'm in agreement with those who are suggesting you move back home. Especially with children in the picture....they need the stability that you can provide. Your wife is a little crazy right now and she can't provide what they need.<P>I'm so glad that you have ES to support and guide you! He can be for you what so many of us have needed....a solid shoulder to cry on. This is one reason most of us who have restored marriages stay here.....we remember the desperation of needing someone who knew how we felt and what we needed. I had a good friend who loved me through my crisis, even though she had never been there herself. I know that God gave her to me as my friend for this purpose.<P>I'm also glad that you are finding support, both emotional and financial, from your family. I urge you to continue in counseling and to keep your pastor up-to-date on your situation. His prayers are a definite plus. I read something in one of Jim Cymbala's books...you know, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire...that really touched my heart. He said that our prayers don't just rise up into heaven and disintegrate. Our prayers rise into God's presence and collect there. So, please know that our prayers for you and your wife are collecting in heaven even today.<P>I would also like to recommend one more book to you. The devotional Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby, could have been written for a wounded spouse. It wasn't written for that purpose, but God used it in my life and has use it in the lives of others on this board. I received a new word from Him each day....He offered me comfort, direction, and peace through this book.<P>Empty Shell<BR>The idea of filing a complaint has some merit, but I just caution you to continue to pray about it and be careful. Your intentions are good, but my concern would be that they not end up causing a bad situation for six shooter to become worse. However, if the affair is directly affecting you and your work wituation, then you have a little more compelling reason to file a complaint. Just food for thought......<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

{{{sixshooter}}}<P>I am so sorry for your pain.<P>As everyone here will attest, each day is a struggle and a victory. No matter what that day brings, it is a victory because we survive.<P>Your wife is in a fantasy world right now. Things seem pretty good with OM because she has never had to deal with real life issues with him. That will fade.<P>For you today, look in the mirror and know that you are a good person who deserves to be loved. You are. I can see that just by your posts so far.<P>You have received a <B>ton</B> of good advice already. All I would add is that you should do what you think is right. Only you know what is best for you. This site has many good suggestions for implementing any course you want to take.<P>All the best to you.<BR>--HBC

I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain. I believe that there is another man who was asked to leave, as you have been, left, and with the urgence of others on this form, moved back. Was this "Bill Uphill"? or did I read this in one of the MB books? Help guys! My busband and I have been reading "His Neads,Her Needs", It states that one of the Emotional Needs, for a woman, is finanical Security. Read this book and see if any of the suggestions would apply to you. We all will pray for you> <P>------------------<BR>Marry

i finaly got to talk to her today. i said that i needed to move backin and she told me that she couldent let me untill she realy knows how she feells about me. do i move in anyways? she also said that she loves him.<BR> hurtbutcopeing you see it the way i see it. once she has to deal with every day life with him things will be different. i still bolieve that he will not beable to handel the kids after some time has gon by. she left to be with him this weekend and one of the kids got hurt and another got sick so i paged her so i could tell her but she never called me back. i wander i the OP is telling her that it is my problem. i also wander if she even cares. <P>

i have one last thing to say. if i let her have her space and not be so helpfull in watching the kids so she can runaway will it help or will it show her that i dont care. the kids all want me back home. can the kids be a deciding factor in this because of the way they feel and want. <P>the two oldest kids are not mine but think that i am dad because the dads dont want anything to do with them. to me they are my kids. how will this efect them mentaly. as i said the oldest has ADHD. i feel this could be devistateing to him because i have been the only man that he has gotten close to becides her dad. i realy don't know what to do. i just hope that he is not hurt by this. he knoes that something is wrong and it is affecting his school work and his behavior twards others. it is like he is taking his pain out by being violent to kids at school and his sisters and brother.

Have you talked with your counselor or your pastor about whether you should move back home or not? On the surface, it seems to me that your children need a stable adult in the home...your wife is obviously not providing that at this point. But on the other side, you need to be careful about pushing too hard and ending up with a worse situation than you already have.<P>None of us here can absolutely tell you what to do. We all have our own opinions and ideas based on what we know of your story and our own experiences. My instinct tells me that you are enabling her affair by caring for your children for her to be with the om. Personally, I doubt that I could have done that. But you have to weigh it all against what you know and decide what you think is best.<P>What is your instinct? What does your gut tell you to do...move back in or stay away? Have you prayed it through and really gotten quiet before God to hear His answer? Is what you are being told here confirming or contradicting that answer? I encourage you to step back and try to look at it from an objective view. Get with God and ask His guidance. He won't ever steer you wrong.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31