We're a young couple, married less than 2 years. She had a fling and an affair that lasted 3 months, but it has been over for months. That's what I found out from a friend, then I confronted her and she came 'clean' almost a month ago.<BR>She says that the sex with the OM wasn't even very good (we have very good sex), and that she did not get any emotional benefit from him. But they're still friends...<BR>I have asked her not to speak to him anymore, and she wrote him a letter. From what I can tell, it was sort of a wet fish version of "the letter" that I feel she should have sent, and he has said that although she should be honest with me, he will continue to engage her socially.<BR>She feels like I have no right to ask her not to speak to him because they haven't been intimate in months and they're past that... blah blah blah. As you might imagine, the pain is nearly unbearable.<BR>Add to this the fact that we're both young (24 and 25), poor graduate students pulling long hours, and the difficulties to rebuilding seem almost insurmountable. It almost seems to me like the temptation for her is too much. I can't entertain the thought of doing this to my wife, I love her desperately and I am (she would say) overly idealistic about marriage. I simply couldn't contemplate the intimacy issues and lies she produced... but for her... I don't know.<P>Now she says she is sorry she betrayed me. We are working hard, in our third week of therapy. (thankfully my school provides free counselling for students) But why does she refuse to let go of him? I think I believe that she doesn't have real feelings for him, but I think she does have a real attachment to what he means in her life. That she could do that sort of thing if she wants to. I love her so much, it's terrible to see her as such a morally bankrupt person...<P>Mostly, I don't have too many people I can really talk to... she is my best friend, I am very private and I know very few people that I feel comfortable with about this. Thank you all in advance for providing this outlet.

. <P>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Welcome <B>hollowman</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Make friends here...<BR>...there are many that will help.<P>Do keep on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Now about her continued contact with this man...<BR>It really has to stop. It is disrespectful to to you... and if it causes you pain... that should in and of itself be enough reason for her to stop.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. (page 55 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How about getting <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>?...<P>How about counseling with an on-campus minister?... If one exists (not sure about the size of your school)... or a local minister/priest?...<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 23, 2001).]

This was a very sad message. You are young and have been married less than two years and she has a sexual affair for three months? I would have yourself checked immediately for STD's. They are very common in a college environment. It seems odd that she would tell you that the sex was not good so why did she continue it if she claims it was just sex?<P>A major problem that I see here is her refusal not to break contact with him since she has not slept with him for the past couple of months. Her comment that you have an overly idealistic view about marriage is unbelivable. I guess she believes that it is idealistic to assume that a wife of less than two years would not be sleeping with someone else for a few months for just sex. I am afraid that I must agree with<BR>Rodger. I know that this is a marriage builders forum but her attitude is way over the line. Did you talk about your views towards marriage before you were married. Her attitude indicates that she is indeed has lost her moral compass. I am afraid that the chances are great that she will continue this behavior than the line. I could never conceive of being in a marriage with a woman that would maintain those views that your wife has. I think that she is sorry that she got caught rather than being sorry she engaged in this behavior. I think you should seriously consider saving yourself and seek legal advise. Your wife clearly is a person who should never have gotten married.<BR>Her refusal not to cut off contact with the OM continues to show her lack of values and her lack of respect for you.<BR>You deserve much better than this and do not let her destroy your self esteem. Why would you wish to stay with such a <BR>morally bankrupt individual?<BR>

Hollowman,<P>I am so sorry for your pain. I know it is dreadful. I have to agree with Rodger and Bryanp, though. I hope you don't have kids yet. That would change my mind if you did. Would you want to have children w/a woman who's moral values are so low? I understand your views on marriage. I feel the same way. I hate divorce. I would just think about her unwillingness to change right now and the aspect of ever having children with that type of person. Wouldn't it be better for things to end now than when a poor little baby gets involved? <P>Don't get me wrong! If your wife agrees to the MB principles then I hope things will work out for you. As soon as I found out about my H's EA he asked what he could do to save us. I said, "Never talk to the OW again!" He said, "No problem." She called him once and he told her to not call again. We're reading SAA and HNHN. They are very helpful. At first he thought that they were a little extreme on some things, but I asked him what could be the worse thing to happen? Our marriage could get better? He admitted the other night that he is happier now that we identified our EN and are working to meet them for each other. <P>I pray that things work out for you. There are great people here with so much advice. Good luck!<P>God bless,<BR>Window <BR>

Thanks for all your input. It was very difficult to digest at first... but it has happened like you thought it would/should.<P>I first realized it after we were in therapy together for about a month. After a session, we went to get something to eat and I said to her that none of this stuff that we were trying was going to help unless we both wanted it to work and we both were willing to try. She said she wasn't sure if she was...<BR>Then, after promising me that she would never speak to the OM again... the all-revealing cell phone bill arrived and... well, what do you know.<P>Four days ago, I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said yes. She packed her bags...<BR>To alleviate anyone's concerns, we have no children, just a goldfish, and, as students, more debt than assets, so the logistics will be much less difficult than they could be.<P>But basically, I have come to terms with the fact that the woman who I spent the last 7 seven years of my life (including the time we were together before we got married) is something like a pathological liar. It is truly bizarre. I think one of the reasons we need to divorce is that there is no way something like MB could help us. As you guys noted early on, she just isn't wife material.<P>Luckily, this experience has shown me that a lot of my friends are true friends who have been spending time with me even though I'm sure it's uncomfortable. Most of the people I know have come out to tell me that they 'll do whatever they can to help. My doctor has had me on Paxil for the past few weeks and that helps, too.<P>In the meantime, I still worry about her. She is going to have a difficult time financially without me and even as she walked out the door she told me I was the love of her life. The next day her (individual) therapist called because she had missed an appointment. Then, yesterday, she cc'd me on emails to her family telling them that it was her fault and she's sorry she screwed up my relationship with them. I hope she doesn't do anything stupid.... well, stupider.<P>So, from the infidelity self-help to the recovering from a divorce self-help... maybe one day I will find a woman who loves.

Hollow...<P>I don't mean this to sound cold and callous, but considering you are so young and *overly idealistic*, consider this a learning experience. I am not making light of divorce, but had I had a sight like this at your age, and found others that respond in kind, and help the way some here do, I would not be divorced,and I would have understood what it was to build a relationship, instead of just *having* one. You have a chance to find that love of your life, and with the help of a sight like this, build a strong foundation that will benefit both of you. <P>On the flip side, I would tell you that if she is sincere, and you two truly love each other, then you need to both commit to *redoing* the relationship, and build it the way you should have in the beginning. She is going to need alot of love and attention. She sounds as though she is searching for something, but outside the marriage is not where you look for it. <P>I don't know if you two have made any final decisions, but I believe YOU are on the right track in either case. Best of luck. <P>True