I think I may have figured something out but need help in going to the next step.<P>1.) Even though I have no contact with the OM - he is still making deposits into my love bank because I am remembering every word that he had said to me, feeling every touch, recalling every look, etc. Deposits are made because I still feel good when I remember these things. Ex: I still get a pound in my heart when I remember how he used to glance at me every morning and smile.<P>2.) My H is doing many nice things for me (and I am for him in return) but we are lacking in the communication/emotional needs department. Therefore I do not feel any love deposits in my love bank.<P>I talk to my H about the love bank thing and he understands but says that I am meeting his needs and doesn't understand how he is not meeting mine. I think that if I am still trying to savour the feelings that I had for the OM - I can't allow my bank to be open for him to deposit. Is this true? What do I do now?<P>We are not fighting or arguing but we don't have long talks about things either. <P>Any thoughts?<BR>Brynn

brynn,<P>You are beginning to get it. It is very difficult to let go of OM. Time helps and keep encouraging you H. He will get very frustrated as you go through withdrawl. <P>At this point it sounds as if you are not letting make deposits. But you nor can anyone else tell when this will change. He needs to keep trying but you will have to help here. <P>He is dealing with a lot and so are you. He with pain and frustration and you with addiction

Brynn,<P>Tell your H exactly what you most important emotional needs are. Don't leave him guessing.<P>How long has it been since you broke contact w/OM?<P>You will have to go through withdrawl before recovery can begin.<P>Acording to SAA, your H needs to make deposits, and no love busters. Dr.H says the feelings will catch up after w/d has passed.<P>I say again TELL your H what your needs are.<P>Relax, give yourself a break, take your time.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

brynn,<P>It just takes time. I had an EA that lasteds less than 3 months. It took another 3 mos. to get over the feelings for the Om. It took yet ANOTHER 3 months to get feelings back for my H. Look at me now - I have ALL this love back for my H and it is sustaining me through this affair he is in that is almost 10 months old!<P>It can happen.....you can get over the OM....<BR>He isn't making any deposits...just your memory playing tricks on you...reminding you of when he DID make deposits. Think of this: you win a contest and win $10,000. My gosh, you are SOOOOO excited and happy!!!!!!! You get your money and later, as you tell others about winning and things come up that remind you of winning, you feel good all over again. You remember those feelings of surprise and excitement and happiness!!! You might even get all breathless and have yur heart racing as you recount the excitement of how you found out. But you know what, You only won the $10,000 ONCE - all the rest is MEMORY of the exciting time. In years to come, you will still remember and will tell others about how exciting it was, but your heart won't race and you won't get breathless again....and you still only won the $10,000 once!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RMA: That was a excellent & perfect example!

Brynn,<P>There's a webside <A HREF="http://www.survivingloss.com." TARGET=_blank>www.survivingloss.com.</A> It really helps in talking about the grieving process and how we move on.<P>I think it can help. Letting go is hard but I think as we begin to experience new memories and new loving experiences with our husbands it will get easier and help in letting go.<P>Below is some helpful ideas to restore your marriage, passed onto me from a very good friend here:<P>To put a little love back into your relationship:<P>Start each day with a big hug. <BR>Send a card or love note to your spouse. <BR>Telephone to say "I love you" during the day. <BR>Give the gift of listening: refrain from judging or giving advice. <BR>Complete daily chores together and let this time become special sharing time. <BR>Put on a slow song and dance before retiring for the evening. <BR>Give your spouse a list of ten terrific memories. <BR>On a clear evening share a brief star-gazing experience. <BR>Assure your spouse often that you care, and show you care by how you act. <BR>Thank your partner for compliments and kind gestures -- and you'll get more of them. <BR>Help without being asked. <BR>Always take each others' feelings into consideration. <BR>Make having fun together a priority. <BR>Look for the good in your partner and praise it. <BR>Admire each other's achievements. <BR>During tough times, think of why you fell in love in the first place and dwell on those things. <BR>Always make your partner feel special. <BR>List all the ways your partner enriches your life and share your list with your spouse. <P>I hope it helps.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited December 11, 1999).]

Hummingbird<P>Thanks For the (Things to do list). If we all would do these things not only could we rebuild our marriages, we could make a good marriage stronger. I just printed these out to keep.

I just wanted to bring this to the top so others can write down or print the many examples of how one can go about putting a little love back into a marriage (I'm starting the morning hug ritual tomorrow).<P>*** THANK YOU HUMMINGBIRD ***<P>To everyone who posted a reply (to this thread and my other one)- you wouldn't believe the impact that your words have on my thoughts and heart. Today is a good day and I am starting to understand myself and what I feel. There's a long road ahead and I am glad that I have somewhere to EXPRESS how I feel and ask for advice (so I can learn what the heck I am doing and why).<P>Many thanks -<BR>Brynn Smith

brynn,<P>Way to go, girl!!!!! Glad you are feeling stronger and better. <P>Hummingbird,<P>Thanks for taking the time to post the list. I hope I get another chance to use some of these!<P>Roll Me Away<BR> <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Brynn,<P>Hey, girlfriend, I know EXACTLY what you're going thru. Somewhat akin to heroin withdrawls. It wasn't all that long ago that I experienced significant depression and feelings of loss. The saddest part of all is not how badly I was feeling but how pathetic I was to miss the OM who I obviously never meant anything to except an occasional lay. Perhaps you and the OM had a more trusting, close relationship, which I can imagine would be much more difficult to cope with. The point is I know what knowing you can't go back - even though you made the decision to make your marriage work - can do to your heart.<P>I also understand the emptiness of having fallen out of love with your H. It's like, where in the he!! did all my love go?? What's the matter with me?? Why don't I want to have sex with my H even tho I wouldn't touch the OM with a ten foot pole now??? <P>Well, it's my job today ( ) to tell you that those feelings for the OM will fade, slowly, with time. You won't likely wake up tomorrow, no matter HOW much you decide to love your H, and not still miss the OM. Brynn, I can tell you from personal experience that the longer you stay AWAY from the OM the more quickly your feelings for him will fade. But if you somehow manage to orchestrate "bumping into" him or calling him or e-mailing him, you'll be right back at square one whee he is just as fresh and crisp in your mind as the day before you decided to leave him. I say this not 'cause I read it in the books, but because I have lived it.<P>As for your feelings for your H, that's another story. Slowly but surely, I am falling back IN love with mine. And he with me. It's a slow process that does not happen as quickly the second time around as it did the first. We are not as naive this time around. Brynn, it's a two way street, you've got to give a little (a LOT really, as you feel more up to it - as it must be sincere). Really, that spark isn't as far away as you may think it is, even tho you may feel you are losing hope for your heart to ever come back.<P>H and I still have issues. Sex is one. Despite the fact that I no longer have feelings for the OM, my libido is still not what I'd like it to be. I can't find that horny button ad easily anymore. I think that's been the slowest freeze to thaw between us. <P>So, I understand you - at least I think I do. Keep writing, I love to hear from you. Makes me feel like less of a criminal and more of a human. <P>Khyra<BR>

Khyra,<P>Thanks for your reply. Reading some of the similarities and things that you said (because you know from experience) hit home for me. I have fallen out of love with my H and 'in love' with two OM in the past - quite quickly and easily I might add. The first time started and ended almost three years ago and I did fall back in love with my H (after a separation - read my story). The second time is NOW but I am not falling back in love with my H yet. <P>I have different perceptions of my OM though. He was so caring and knew how to have nice, long conversations. Not in an over-powering way though. Just a loving smile made me melt (I can still remember watching for him to come to work at 8:30 every morning just to see that smile). Our affair was more emotional than sexual. We talked about it lots though. I miss the communication the most.<P>The subject of sex does not come up too much in this forum so when I read how you felt - I immediately thought that I was not alone. That was comforting. I don't want to make love to my H. I do and get into it once it starts but I don't feel connected to him in that way. I know it will return once I work thru everything but I just wish I would wake up tomorrow morning and be in love with him again.<P>I am so scared of this happening again. I am mostly here to gain strengh in my marriage so it won't (and get help with the withdrawl from the OM).<P>Thank you so much for your words. I will keep an eye out for your postings and replies because it is nice to know that someone is in my boat. Being guided by the people in this forum really helps - glad I am here.<P>Brynn

Brynn,<P>Smiles and hugs to you. I can tell you still really care for the OM. These feelings can tear you apart, but keep remembering - the longer you stay away, the more the feelings will fade - please, for your sake and H's too, don't contact him on purpose or by accident. It really is the key ...<P>Love, K

brynn...<P>Thanks for starting this post...it has really been helpful to me. <P>Kyhra...<P>Everything you said really hit home for me. I'm in the same situation you are in right now...getting back those "horny" feelings for your husband.<P>If you make any progress or have ideas...I'd like to share them with you.

Brynn,<BR>Got a question, is E.A. Emotional Affair?<P>I think it is, if so.....I am a Betrayed H. my W had a E.A. for only about 30 days, but<BR>two weeks there was some physical. Kissing at a park Horizontal!, lots of intimate conversation about personal sexual stuff, the OM was asking of course, he was filling her love bank and I didn't know she had one to fill. I do now. 5 Languages of Love + Harely's books have been great. Was there physical with yours? we are 90+ days into recovery, She had no contact for 3 weeks, then OM called , short phone call, nothing more, until now. we Are into our sons sports season and OM is another parent same team, see OM now several times a week. Its friendly, Ive talked to him, hes remorseful, will do whatever Isay, OM's W does not know. <BR>He would like me to keep it that way, She was <BR>at game too last wknd, both my W and me talked to her...weird!<P>------------------<BR>jnvc<BR>