<BR>I don't know about anyone else on this board, but I was totally flabbergasted by H's affair! I thought we had a wonderful marriage. I thought that we had fun together, shared like interests, enjoyed each other's company, had a great sex life, etc., etc,. etc. . . .<P>So when I found out about it - it totally blew me away! I thought he loved me. I thought he was totally satisfied in my arms. I assumed that he was ok with how I looked because he always told me how very beautiful I was. He never told me the weight bothered him. I was 170 when we met and got up to 270 for a little while - but was maintaining around 220 (except for 3 pregnancies) for most of our marriage. Now I know that's heavy - but it never seemed to bother him. I even asked him - and he said that he simply wanted me to get healthy so I'd be with him to a ripe old age - but that he thought I was sooooooooo beautiful just the way I was. Mind you, I'm not a "frumpy" fat girl either. I always dress in high-fashion clothes, I have long curly red hair that I take time to fix, I wear make-up, I shave my legs, arms, and bathe regularly! I really work hard at looking good for him and because I am on Television frequently and a recognised person in the area.<P>Then - WHAM!!! - he has an A with a girl 12 years younger and 100 pounds lighter! Boy - that hit me right between the eyes. For those of you that have read my earlier posts, you know that the A was in 99 but he just confessed to it 4 weeks ago. I knew it then - but he has spent these last months denying it vehemently!<P>I have been doing wonderfully well at this - but yesterday (4 week anniversary of D-day) it all hit me again. I had lost 30 pounds on the infidelity diet - but now have gained it all back and then some!! (UGH!!) I lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks and gained it all back in one. What is going on with that???<P>Also - the enormity of it all has totally overwhelmed me. I have resigned my position on 2 Boards, dropped my plans to begin a women's ministry at our church, ceased accepting singing and speaking engagements, etc. All to devote time to my marriage and getting it healed. But now, I spend my days with nothing to do but think, and WHAM! it hits me again. <P>People are starting to ask me what's wrong - and I tell them and burst into tears. I thought I was doing so well 3 weeks out - but now I'm right back where I started.<P>And I am ANGRY!!! to put it lightly! I just can't believe he would do this to us! It totally amazes me how selfish he was. Also - there are rumours that he is involved with another woman at this job. I've been hearing them for over a year now - and didn't want to listen, but in all my time to think now, I've realised that he has lots of blocks of unaccounted for time and also he spent a lot of time back last year talking about "her" (the one he's rumoured to be fooling around with). So ---- the questions begin again and the denials as well! What am I to do???<P>Oh that I could simply lay down and die - or wake up from this horrific nightmare!!<P>

I wanted to add this to my post:<P>We are also in financial ruin. I had a Catering Business/Tea Room that I closed after the A in 99 because I just couldn't handle the stress that it put on my family. Because of this, we are in horrible debt. Also my H quit the job where he had the A and came home with no job, which put us futher in the financial hole. He did find a job a month later, but had to begin at the bottom of the corporate ladder. (He was with his previous company 10 years)<P>Now we are facing foreclosure, and possible bankruptcy. All of this adds to my anger with him. I blame him for all of the above.<P>Anyone else in this position make it to the other side???

e.<p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Thanks for responding Rodger. I appreciate your concern. We have been married 14 years and have 4 children. We are very commited to working it out and staying married - me more for the children - him more for himself. I have been his everything. I have taken care of his every need for 14 years. You see, his mother abandoned him and his father died when he was a boy, so he's been on his own til he met me. <P>After we married I began to care for every little detail in his life. I have been his friend, lover, financial advisor, nanny, housekeeper, laundress, bill payer, chef, shopper, and everything else he has ever needed. We have had a wonderful 14 years, even though it's been a very lopsided relationship - me being the giver and him being the taker.<P>So - when he moved away from home for 5 months, he was very needy. It was a temporary move, and we didn't want to sell our home, uproot our children and sell the business either, so he went alone - much to my protests! I begged him not to go - knowing that it would pose a strong temptation for him. (he's always been a flirt, and is easily seduced by women's affections, as his self-esteem is low)<P>I don't think I should take any blame for his A! It wouldn't have mattered if I was 100 pounds lighter. The need was there, and I wasn't - so he filled in the gap with another woman who happened to be younger and thinner - but nowhere near the caliber of woman I am. He quickly realised his error and ended the A. However, he never admitted it. I discovered it via phone records, and a call to the OW (several calls, actually). He denied all - saying he didn't "remember" why he had called her so much, that it must be work related, even though it was many times after 11 pm at night, and right after he had hung up from saying "i love you" to me and the children!! He even called her a liar saying she was just trying to get him fired from his job. When another co-worker chimed in saying the affair happened, he again attributed it to the fact that this man also wanted him fired. I told him if that was the case, she would have simply filed sexual harrassment charges against him and been done with it.<P>Anyway - I am angry - with good reason. But - I am desperately trying to forgive him. Even though I do blame him for all the financial chaos we are currently experiencing and for the pain in my heart - I will forgive him and we will go on and make it work<P>I pray you can do the same. Be blessed and . . .<P>Be God's!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>"For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you - plans for good and not evil to give you a hope and a future" Jer. 29:11

us. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

BeGods and Rodger:<P>Yep, been in the same exact boat as the two of you. Only difference in our situations was my husband did not end it once I found out. No, he wanted to continue burning the candles on both ends. Does this hurt, YOU BET!! <P>As far as anyone taking responsibility for an affair I have the answer. The ONLY person responsible for an A is the person who is in it, plain and simple.<P>One of my H dear friends, I hate her, had the nerve to tell me that I needed to accept part of the blame because as she so eloquently put it, "After 22 years in a marriage your sex life is not as exciting as it could be" Have you ever felt the urge to reach through the phone line and rip someone's head off? Been there, and I want you to know I am a passive person.<P>BeGods, your situation sounds so much like mine, I was totally shocked. I too was everything to him. I was the giver and he was the taker. A darn good one too if I might add. The changes that need to come from this horrible ordeal include a reversal of this way of thinking.<P>I will give, to a point, and I will take to a point. Never again will it be so lopsided. <P>My husband's life sounds similar to your Husband's. Abandoned by a mother, on his own at a young age and a terrible flirt. Yes, you hit the nail on the head when you said it was a matter of self esteem. His was low, I had no idea. <P>I have always been the achiever, the go getter, I know what I want and I know how to make things work for me. He is the opposite, he flies by the seat of his pants. Any thing we have is because I have been the backbone holding it all together.<P>It has been nearly 3 months since I found out. I feel as if I am on a roller coaster. Up one down the other. The anger is really bad at times. It's so hard to love and yet hate someone with all your being. But that's exactly what is happening to me.<P>I am trying to work things out, as long as he knows what I will and will not accept. <P>I have learned one thing from all of this. I am starting to like me now. I never realized how insecure I was. I was trying to be everything to him because I felt if I wasn't he would not love me. I wasd so naive to believe that by giving in to ALL his wants and whims I was creating a strong secure marriage.<P>He too went to someone nowhere near the caliber. In fact, she was older than me by 7 years. As far as body shape and size, we are almost identical.<P>It makes no sense to me whatsoever, we had it all. Homes paid for, vehicles paid for a business that was flourishing. I have my own profession etc. We had intimacy, we enjoyed the same recreational activities, you name it. <P>He did tell me something though that gives me some insight. He said he didn't want to be him anymore. With her he had no stress, responsibilities, etc.<P>Sometimes I wish he and her were stuck with each other, I'd give them 3 weeks of the "Real World". I think that would have been like a slap in the face for the both of them. They deserved it.

I never thought my husband would do it either. He had an internet affair that progressed to real life two years ago this month. In short; after a 24 year marriage and when I found out about the internet affair, we were separated for over a month, he moved back, we sold our home and bought a new one. Things were really working fine for about six months. Then I started getting hung up on him not being sorry enough, not trusting him.....I used to get up for work in the mornings and by the time I got to finishing my make-up, I was crying. Just looking at myself in the mirror made me feel awful about myself. I kept asking myself what kind of woman would put up with what he put me through and still try to go on? You know what? What could have been made better was made worse by me dwelling on what had already happened. Two weeks ago he has told me he can't do it anymore. He realizes I will never trust him again. I went to visit my sister this weekend in the next state and I come home to find out he has gotten himself an apartment, has told our kids and our friends that he wants out of the marriage. I am devasted again. They always say that what you fear most is what you create and it is so true. This time I fear it is for keeps, because he is very calm and worried about how I am and telling me he cares about me very much, that he will always be there for me and we will always be connected through our children and future grandchildren, but he just wants to think about himself now. <P>If there is anything you can do to forgive and just get on with it.....please do. I know how hard it is. If they are there, they want to make a go of it. Believe me, if they want out, they will leave or be gone already. Please try to live in the present and not dwell on the past.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by aloneagain:<P>If there is anything you can do to forgive and just get on with it.....please do. I know how hard it is. If they are there, they want to make a go of it. Believe me, if they want out, they will leave or be gone already. Please try to live in the present and not dwell on the past.[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree that I have to forgive and get on with it! I am trying - I have really good days - then I have days like yesterday - really bad! H doesn't want out - he is really trying very hard to keep us together. He says it's not just for him - but for "us" and that he is really very sorry and just didn't realise how much he loved me until after he'd had the A.<P>I guess if I get on with it - we'll be better than ever. I just never thought this would ever happen to me. It all seems so surreal . . .<P>Anyway - thanks for all the replies! Be blessed, and . . .<P>Be God's!!!<P>------------------<BR>"For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you - plans for good and not evil to give you a hope and a future" Jer. 29:11