I read your post and I really wanted to learn more about your situation. You said something about six months later something went wrong. What happenned? Did you fight with him over it? Did you accuse him of wrongdoing again? I read that you would cry when putting on makeup, was it your depression that did it?<P>I am curious because I too am having great difficulty forgetting and moving on. My H A was discovered by me, and everything that followed was lies on his part. I am having a horrible time, it's as if there were things that could have happened that would make it easier to forgive and go on. As it was this didn't happen. He tried to continue the relationship with her while guestimating what I would do. I was under horrible stress, a major surgery 7 days previous and he was wanting to know (a week later) if we were going to be able to work it out because he had to make some decisions. <P>He did go back to see her and told her that when he got his life straightened out, maybe they could work things out. <P>All of this with even more BS is making it so hard for me. Now that time has passed he says he understands what it was that drew him to her, the sex.<P>Right now his attitude is "drop it, it's over with, we need to go on, or else".<P>I don't like his attitude, I know in one way he is right, we do need to put it behind us if we are going to make it work. But lord knows it is the most difficult thing I've ever done.<P>He says I keep rehashing it, bringing it back to life by going over past phone bills etc. <P>I was doing this because a week after finding out about his A I found out he had a close female friend I knew nothing about. Seems he spent the night with her, on the couch of course when he went out of town to be tested for STD.<P>I have spoke to her, she says there's nothing wrong with married men having female friends, there's nothing going on between them and that I needed to take part of the responsibility for the A, after all after 22 years of marriage, your sex life is not what it used to be. I want to do bodily harm to her. He got angry with me saying she's done nothing to me I have no reason to want to hurt her. All she's ever done is try to be his friend.<P>Now, he gets angry when I bring up the situation with the friend, and of course it finds its way of getting back to the A because it was all the same time frame. He heard from this friend 2 days ago and I am supposed to drop it and go on? He has no intention of ending this friendship, the most he is willing to do is not be the one calling her.<P>Was your situation as bad or worse? Can there be too much to forget and go on? My level of trust is below sea level right now. A pity because the man was able to come and go like a single man. Hence the availability of an A. I was so naive and stupid, I thought I was being the good wife, letting him go, venting his frustrations without me.<P>Any comments?

What happened six months later? Probably a combination of things. I believe it was partly depression, (when he was gone the first time I was on antidepression medication and slowly weaned myself off of it when he came back), a feeling that he didn't understand what I had gone through - I guess I wanted my feeling validated, (it felt like pure hell), the feeling that it would happen again because nothing had really been resolved. I wanted assurance that it wouldn't happen again but I don't think he could assure me of that. Plus, he had an internet affair, purely fantasy until they finally met and then it ended almost immediately after that with only one more e-mail. We canceled the internet service and everything was going real well. Our oldest son was in the Army and got stationed in Egypt. He found his wife left him for another man while he was over there. We hooked the internet service back up so we could talk to him because he was so depressed and 8,000 miles away. I confessed I was nervous about the internet going back in and he told me to relax, he had learned his lesson the last time and let me select the password. But I was so untrusting that I watched everything he did on the internet. He was never into porn, thank God, but he loves conversation - which is one of his greatest emotional needs. Two months after having the internet back up, he was talking to women in the chat rooms again. He was always polite to them and very complimentary.....never nasty, which attracted many lonely females looking for a nice man to talk to. And yes, that's when the accusations started again. That's when my self esteem took another nose dive. That's when, no matter how much I tried to explain that his sharing his time, emotions, thoughts and such with other women was very disrespectful to me and hurtful, he became sneakier and denied any wrong doing. In other words, he wasn't going to quit chatting even though it hurt me.<P>He had found an old friend from high school that he had started talking to - they didn't even remember each other, but the e-mails became quit frequent with each of them telling each other how much the e-mails meant to them and how important the friendship was. At this same time, he started searching for another job out of state - in the state she lived in. He started checking her horoscope every day. It was so bizarre. He is so into his little fantasy world. I saw internet affair number two blooming and had someone send her an anonomous e-mail asking her if she thought it was normal that a married man was e-mailing her everyday. The e-mails stopped from her and he confronted me asking if I had contacted her. I lied and said I had not. I asked him to get counseling. He admitted he was addicted to the internet. He went to counseling alright, but he went once to a counselor who I believe he had told he wanted out of the marriage and she encouraged him that he wasn't crazy and that he was on the right track (atleast that what he has told me).<P>Somehow, I think if I had just let things go we would have been alright. He said he felt like we were one word away from a fight lately. And that I was always getting my little digs in. And yes, I admit, I had alot of bitterness in me.<P>I guess the best advice I can give you is get counseling for yourself to help you over this. I know recovering from an affair can be done....I just didn't go about it the right way. It has been two years and I was just starting to not feel so bad again and Wham - he is at it again......this time it is a local woman - but they haven't met yet. It is still in the fantasy stage. I have confronted him with it and he suddenly doesn't want to be married again - he loves me, doesn't want to hurt me, but doesn't want to be married anymore. <P>I found out today he is moving by Thursday - day after tomorrow. I am hurting so bad again knowing I played such a big part in this. Tonight I came home and broke down and sobbed that I didn't think I could go through this again. I know it was a big no-no, but I'm only human. His reply was that I pull myself together, to get my own life, that he is doing this for him now, that he still cares about me but if he doesn't get out and find out what makes him happy, he won't be any good to anybody. He said he is doing this as painlessly and as completely as possible. He also said that he came back too soon the last time before he resolved what he needed to. He said he will be in the same city, we will still do things with our grown children. He said he is paying the house payment and the car payment and I am to pay the insurance and the utilities. I asked him not to seek a divorce right away. He agreed he would wait for awhile, but I think he has already talked to an attorney.<P>I have a feeling it is very hopeless this time and I am hurting so much. <P>

I understand exactly what you are saying. I too feel the same way, my husband's affair turned my world inside out and I too want him to know how horrendous it is for me. <P>Some friends say I wasn't hard enough on him. Others say don't be too hard, you'll push him away. Quite honestly, when push comes to shove my self esteem and self worth will take precedence over his wants.<P>I had mine move out because I wanted him to know that life as usual was not in the plan for us. I could not bear the thought of nothing changing and the same pattern repeating itself. You see, his attitude was "We had the perfect relationship, trusting, etc. there's no reason to change what we had"<P>Bull!! I had him move out so he would know and feel firsthand that things would change. He told me yesterday that he was trying to meet my demands, I really don't think that's a good word for it, I think what I am asking is only normal. I want him to quit acting like a single man, going out of town, partying without me, having female friends, etc.<P>He said he had the choice of being "him" or changing. So in all reality how long is the change going to last, how long before he resents the fact that he feels I am not letting him be "him"? I don't know, I do know I will not stay in the marriage if the pattern of behavior reverts back.<P>The sad thing is he had total trust from me. He would always tell me how important that trust was and how he would never break it. Yeah right, he said this during his Affair.<BR>Gota Go, I'll get back

I'm back<P>It sure sounds like your husband was not willing to do what it was going to take to assure you of his love. Beginning a new chat room friendship was not a good move. I know for a fact I would have reacted the same as you. <P>I can't really see what you did that was so terribly wrong. After an A changes have to be made to assure the spouse that 1) the person is comitted enough to make positive changes, and 2) They do not put themselves in the "position" to have it happen again.<P>To me this is only common sense. But then again, my situation is not much different than yours. Your husband had friends via the computer, my husband's friends are real life. <P>I can't say what is going to happen in my future with my husband and his friends, I do not know of any of them that he did have something physical with. As I said his A was a one night stand that didn't go away. There was not a friendship there first. I don't know that this makes any difference or not.<P>I am sorry for your pain, it is evident that you truly want your marriage to work, if you didn't you would have never tried when you found out about his infidelity. <P>The first time your husband moved out, was it at your request?<P>God bless you over the next coming days, I know they will be hard for you, could it be that he has to loose something before he realizes what he had? I've thought about this myself in my situation. I don't know. Unanswered questions seem to be the norm for me lately.<P>Take care!

Yes, the last time this happened I requested that he leave. I think I made it too easy for him to come home the first time though and nothing was resolved. I think I have lost my chance for making this work.<P>All the situations here sound so similar. It is very scarey. <P>Take care of yourself too. I know from the first time I went through this that it is very stressful on your body.<p>[This message has been edited by aloneagain (edited April 25, 2001).]