Quick introduction; I'm new to the MB forums but I'm VERY familiar with the concepts. My wife and I credit the Marriage Builders philosophy (and Steve Harley) as having been instrumental in saving our marriage after my wife's affair back in 1996. Fully 'recovered' around 1998.<P>I'm posting in this particular forum because if you've just found out about an affair, you could probably use a little encouragement.<P>You may feel that there is no hope. You may have even been TOLD so by your WS. My wife, too, said she'd had enough. Had 'ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST' in saving the marriage. Her exact words. Yet, here we are, five years later still married and happier than we ever were. Even more happy than we were in the beginning of our marriage (20 years ago) because now, after MB, we've learned to communicate more effectively. More of our story will probably come out with more postings from me. But, for now, I'd just like you to know that it is NOT hopeless. You just have to have enough hope for both of you right now. What is most important right now is for you to educate yourself. Read everything at MB. Get Dr. Harley's books. I guarantee you'll see parallels to your own situation.<P>It is, of course, a very traumatic and emotional time for you. Unfortunately, heavy emotions are one of the greatest impedences to recovery. You've got to find a way to channel them into a positive direction.<P>Some specific advice that might help you deal with the pain and anger; one thing I did was keep a journal. A diary, if you will. In it, I wrote about everything that happened in my life, every day. I chronicled all of the lies and deceipt and all of my feelings about them. It was very cathartic. It was a safe way for me to release all of my pent-up feelings of pain, anger and frustration. I also used it to detail the changes I was making in myself to be a better husband. I congratulated myself for the positive things I did. So, even though I wasn't getting feedback from my wife as to how I was improving, I was still able to see and feel the encouragement I gave myself. Understand?<P>If you DO decide to keep a journal, though, keep it to yourself. I told my wife I was writing it so that I would never forget what happened. Thereby protecting us from it ever happening again. But, I didn't let her read it while I was still writing in it. I told her all along that I wasn't hiding anything and that I fully intended to let her read it when our situation was resolved. However it turned out. And, I did let her read it about two years after I felt like we were recovered enough to deal with the raw emotions contained therein. We read it together. The whole thing was about six volumes and took a couple nights to read. We talked about the events I'd written about. Many times she would stop reading because she was crying so hard. She found it hard to believe some of the things she did and said. And she expressed sincere remorse for the pain I'd felt. In the end, she told me how grateful she was that I had not lost hope and given up on her. She said she never realized how strong I was. She didn't think she would have been able to do it if the situation were reversed. I reminded her that it was God's strength and will, not mine.<P>Then she asked me to forgive her. But, I told her I already had. Years ago. On d-day. The day I decided to commit my life to saving our family. I was lucky to have found MB early in our recovery. It was here that I realized I held 50% of the responsibility for the troubles in our marriage. So, all things being equal, I was able to immediately start focusing on making the future better instead of regretting and arguing about the past.<P>Anyway, I hope this gives your some encouragement and some incentive to give MB a try. Just remember, it's a long, long journey full of dangers and obstacles. But, the peace and love you'll feel in the end will overshadow the hell you endured getting there.<P>TTFN,<P>Kalote<BR><P>------------------<BR>"And all the Science, I don't understand. It's just my job five days a week." -- Elton John

What a lovely post! Thanks for sharing.<P>Kathi

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I can't tell you how much your post has helped me. It has given me the hope that, with God's help and lots of hard work, we too can make it through this and come out on the other side better than ever!! <P>God bless you! <P>Be God's!!!<P>------------------<BR>"For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you - plans for good and not evil to give you a hope and a future" Jer. 29:11

I've been wanting to post too.<P>I started posting here in February when I found out my husband and best friend were in love with each other. It was the greatest shock ever, I was completely unprepared, didn't see how much was wrong with our marriage. It felt like the end of my life, literally, I had no idea how to get through the hours, let alone the days.<P>I know how some of you are feeling. This wasn't meant to happen to us, we want to wake up and find it's all a horrible nightmare, but that doesn't happen.<P>My husband and the OW moved in together. My life went from complete hell to some sort of hope that I could make a new life, a realisation I could live without him.<P>Then HE realised he couldn't live without me! Everything Dr Harley says about affairs is true - lots of them don't last! He told her, she has gone, and we are back together. I wanted him to stay in the other house for a bit, to give us space, and he was happy with that. It's very early days, but it can happen! At times I gave up totally, believed they were happy. But affairs don't breed happiness for anyone. Nothing based on so much hurt can survive.<P>So I know what you are going through when you post to 'just found out'. But your marriage really can survive. It's such early days, I can't really claim to have survived yet, but I believe we will if we learn the lessons.<P>Big hugs to everyone going through it. You are NOT ALONE.<P>Dido