Hi all,<P>Here is my story. I have been married to a wonderful woman for almost 18 years. We have 3 kids and now two grandkids. We have wonderful 12 yr old twins living at home. As with all long term marraiges we have had lots of ups and downs and recently I was changing medication for depression and went through withdrawal and bottomed out. I was not there when my wife needed me and we have gone through this a number of times. She is on medication too and when I was bottoming out she was doing great and looking for lots of love which I couldn't give her. It was during this time that she started chatting with an old boyfriend from 30 years ago from high school, her first sexual experience was with him.<BR>She started an online chatting friendship which then started to get more and more involved, him telling her she was beautiful, smart, exciting all the things I wasn't since I was going through my own pain of withdrawal from one medicine to another. Needless to say, their friendship escalated into a full blown EA including phone calls. I found out about it about 2 weeks ago and my life has been hell ever since.<BR>I love my wife more than anything in my life. I wasn't always able to show it but have gotten my self back to the point were I can. She admits that she never wanted this to happen, she feels it just got out of control. She was thinking of leaving me and the kids. This guy she has been talking with is married with kids of his own, unhappy in his marraige and I feel he took advantage of my wife's unhappiness.<BR>She admits now that is was an EA and on her own wrote him to tell him that it is over. She also admits that she is fighting every day not to contact him and is not sure how strong she can be. We are going to counseling and she says she wants to stay in our marraige and put everything back together.<P>Now my problem is the pain I feel everyday. It is eating me up inside. I feel a hole inside of me all the time and am not sure how to deal with it. I am trying to be strong for my wife, I lay no blame on her, told her that I was at least 50% the cause because I couldn't meet her ENs. We have committed to complete honesty, even though it hurts sometimes. I need some advice how to deal with my pain and anxiety. I am on medication, Celexa and Xanax for the anxiety, but sometimes it still overwhelms me and I find myself crying on my way to work. It is hard for me to concentrate and all I want to do is hold my wife and make all this pain for both of us go away.<BR>She is reading Surviving an Affair and I will read it after her. She really wants to do this but I still find myself wondering if she is still talking to him online. She admits that after she wrote him the first time at my bidding that she chatted with him but now says that since she wrote him for herself that she is going to make every possible effort not to contact him.<BR>I would love to hear any words of encouragement about how to deal with the pain and emptiness. I know we are working on this and it will take lots of time, but how do I deal with this in the meantime.

Hang in there, at least she is willing to work at it. Will take time.

ajb,<BR>My heart goes out to you. It's been 9 weeks for me and I still feel like it was last night. My hubby (WS) refused to stop contacting his ?????. He said that they were mainly friends and she needed him. She told him that hearing his voice made her feeld good. Can you believe he told me this? Unlike your wife, he is not sorry the EA and PA happened and in fact does not know if he wants to remain in our marriage. So I wait, and I Plan A, and I have relapses. Mostly I pray for peace, just a little peace for my sake, his and for our family. I do not know the last time he contacted her but I believe because of something he said yestreday, it was recent. That news caused me to have Plan A relapse last night from which I still have not recovered today.<P>Two weeks for you my friend? Brace yourself. You are in for a very chaotic time. Don't be hard on yourself. Everything you are feeling and will feel is perfectly normal. You are not alone. We all know how it feels to want to curl up in a little ball and just go away from the pain. I pray that I run out of tears but after 9 weeks, they still fall so easily.<P>I wish my hubby had the strength to stop contact. That's the only way he will be able to decide what he wants to do. I want to work on our marriage no matter where that leads. He prefers to be in limbo. I will have to make a decision I know, but for the time being, I guess I'm just glad we are together. <P>No great words of advice from me my friend. But I am here if you need me.<P>Exxon

Chardondeere,<P>Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am willing to give it all the time that it takes, I love her that much. I know that there will be rocky times ahead, but like you say, at least she is willing to work at it.<P>Exxon,<P>I thank you and feel so much for what you are going through. The tears I think will stop at some time. Isn't it unbelievable what our spouses can rationalize to themselves. My wife at one point said to me, after I told her that I wanted to protect my children from any hurt, that kids get hurt all the time and they would get over it if their mother left. This is not my wife talking, this is some alien creature. She has always said the most important thing was the kids. Our oldest son is from her first marraige and she always said that he never recovered from her first divorce. And then she says this about our kids. That they would be happier if their mother wasn't miserable at home. Of course this too was a rationalization that she had to be miserable at home. <BR>I hope that your husband comes to his senses and realizes just how much pain he is causing and that there is no right, under any circumstances to do that. I hope you find the same sort of peace that I am looking for.<BR>Thanks for the words and I am here also if you need any words of strength.<P>ajb

I need them ajb. He told me last night he wants a divorce.

ajb<BR>First, I would like to address the blame issue. Your wife is 100% responsible for her <B>choice</B> to have this affair. You bear no blame in any way. Yes, you bear part of the responsibility for the condition of your marriage prior to the affair, but there were other avenues for your wife to find help other than an affair. My guess is that part of your pain is coming from your blaming yourself. She and the om are the only ones to blame for the affair.<P>Second, it is good that you are in counseling. I encourage you to use the counselor as an objective third party to help you deal with the affair itself and then to work to identify unhealthy relationship patterns and to develop new, healthy ones. This isn't an overnight "fix", but it is absolutely possible.<P>My husband and a brief affair a little over three years ago. The affair was revealed and ended in February of 1998 and we began the healing process. I'll be honest, it wasn't easy....it was a very hard road....but it was worth it. I cried almost every day for weeks, had no appetite, didn't sleep well, had trouble concentrating at work and was just generally a basket case. My husband was much the same, but his reactions were magnified by his efforts to love me and help me through it all. The book After the Affair by Janis Spring has a list of the physiological effects of an affair on the wounded spouse....I highly recommend it.<P>I also highly recommend the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It has excellent information for both spouses and can help you each understand the process the other is going through.<P>Most important of all, in my opinion, is faith. I know that there is no way my marriage would be where it is today without our total reliance on God. He orchestrated the revelation and end of the affair and offered us a second chance. Without Him I never would have made it to where I am today. If you have a personal relationship with Him I encourage you to lean on Him for support during this journey. If not, I encourage you to consider seeking Him out. He is waiting to help you.<P>Recovery after an affair is a journey. It is one that is full of ups and downs, twists and turns. The end of the journey isn't visible from the valley you are in right now, but it is a wonderful place. Love your wife in spite of her affair, talk to her, spend time with her, dream about the future, address the past but don't live in it. Take everything one day at a time. The journey is worth it all.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Exxon:<BR><B>I need them ajb. He told me last night he wants a divorce.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Exxon,<P>I am very sorry that it has come to this for you. Please remember that this site is here and people are here for you to turn to to help you through this difficult time. I know that with this help you will find the strength to make it through this and hope that your husband finds his way back to you before taking such a drastic step. I keep reading and hearing that these kinds of situations make us stronger and better people. Thats what I hear, although I know that at times the pain from it just seems to overwhelm us. I know it has at times for me, but I do think that I am getting stronger each day. I focus on my kids and the good stuff we have and try to let the pain fade. I hope that you will be able to do this too. Just remember we are all here, keep reading and growing and try to keep calm and relaxed. There is not much you can do to change your husband, only yourself, I highly recommend a book call Everyday Zen, it talks about letting go and relaxing, focusing on the present and how to actually practice these things. It has helped me a great deal and focused my attention on changing myself.<BR>Again, just remember we are all here to lend you support.<P>ajb

ajb & exxon,<P>I'd like to add my support to you both. Many of the things both of you mentioned happened during our recovery, too. My wife said, "The kids will get over it. They'll be better off, etc." She also said she wanted a divorce many times. I found myself anticipating the next bit of rejection and pain. I expected it. Curiously, that made the individual blows easier to handle. It's tough to Plan A under that kind of pressure. But, let me assure you, that's what gets the job done. You have to hang tough and realize that lifting the fog takes time. It's a very powerful force. Your will and determination has to be MORE POWERFUL.<P>I knew from d-day that I wouldn't have the strength to endure it. So, I stopped looking for the strength within myself and gave it all over to God. I knew that if things got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore without going crazy, He would step in and let me know it was ok to let go. So, I prayed everyday. One day rolled into another. And still I found myself able to keep fighting. Take it one day at a time. But, always keep your eye on the goal.<P>Eventually, I DID get to the point where I felt like God was going to allow me to stop fighting. I woke up one morning on a weekend when my wife was out of town with the OM and I realized I couldn't go on. Strangely, I felt at peace. If felt like I had done absolutely everything that was in my power to hold the family together. I had atoned for treating her with neglect prior to the affair. I had proven to my wife that I still loved her, I still wanted her and I was willing and able to satisfy her needs. I knew that I could go on with my life without her and be happy, healthy and emotionally well. I had no guilt. No regrets. <P>So, that's the other benefit of laying everything on the line for the sake of your marriage. If, in the end, you have to split, you'll know you'd done everything you could to keep it from happening.<P>The funny thing is, in our case, when I started to tell her I was giving up, she interrupted me to say that she wanted to come back home and work things out. Of course, that wasn't the end of it. It was still another 7 or 8 months before she was able to completely rid herself of the addiction. So, I was praying for strength again. Only this time it was with a renewed sense of hope.<P>In the end, Plan A worked. Despite herself, my wife fell in love with me again. She wasn't looking for it. She didn't want it. But, the love was there and she couldn't deny it. So, with a level playing field, she was able to think rationally and she could see the foolishness of giving up everything we'd built together for 17 years.<P>Well, I've rambled quite a bit here and I'm sorry. But, I hope it gives you some encouragement to know that the plan works and you CAN withstand the pressure. It's never too late.<P>On the more practical side, one thing I did to help me deal with the pain and frustration as I was going through it, was to keep a journal. I wrote in it every day. I wrote about the lies my wife told. The pain I felt. The anger. It was a great way to unload without sabotaging the plan. I also wrote about the GOOD things *I* was doing to change my attitudes and actions. I congratulated myself in my journal for not resorting to love busters and for showing love when I really didn't feel it. So, even though I wasn't getting any feedback from my wife, I could still read back in my journal and feel good about what I was doing.<P>If you do keep a journal, though, keep it to yourself. I told my wife I was writing in it and I told her I WOULD let her read it eventually, no matter how things turned out. But, I wouldn't let her read it during the recovery because it was too emotionally charged. <P>About two years after our recovery we sat down and read it together. It was about six volumes and took a couple nights to read. We had to stop several times because she cried so much. All during our recovery, I was concerned that I would never be able to express the depth of my suffering. I had to keep it all inside for the sake of Plan A. So, when my wife was able to read all about it, it really helped my recovery. She expressed true remorse and asked for forgiveness. I told her I already had forgiven her. On D-day.<P>D-day plus five years and still going strong.<P>TTFN,<P>Kalote<BR>

My H had what he terms a non sexual affair whilst abroad with his mates, men, I was not told girls were going!! He also disclosed an internet addiction to porn and he had asked for some weird things in the bedroom which I had refused. so I guess he hoped she would do it. Anyway he lied and lied and lied when I found out. Until 3am one day after cutting myself a few weeks before I told him out out out!! He refused until the next day and left for work before I saw him. He asked to come home and talk and he is now in counseling and we have discussed it with our vicar. Last week after the worse year of my whole life including 15 year marriage he proposed to me and asked me to go to a renewal service on our wedding aniversary in September. He ought me a new wedding ring as I told him I felt divorced without the divorce papers and my vows broken. Trust has been a long time coming as he kept getting e mail and phone calls from her. We changed numbers and e mail accounts and recovery continues. For us it was a matter of admitting that under all the pain we love each other and rediscovering what the therapist calls the honeymoon period by concenntrating on what got us together and what we like about one another and not what causes us pain. It is about learning to forgive and in doing so it lessens the pain. whilst trust is not 100% it is growing and like a flower our marriage needed intensive feeding after a period of drought. The bonus is we communicate more and our sex life went from twice amonth to every night or every other on an off day (not many of those) Our kids are still scared it will end but God came to our aid when we both admitted to praying for the same thing even though I was suggesting divorce at the time. Love will win if you want it too. My advice to all is to look beyond the pain of the moment and look for the love you had and find it again. Marriage builders saved us too and talking to others.<P>------------------<BR>Bunny