My husband won't admit to affair I suspect, I know I'm right but I know he loves me and definitly wants our marriage . How can I forget it and realize he will never admit (been 5 mos) I need to go on and drop it and thats what he keeps telling me that I have no real proof and he has never had or never would hav an affair. I need to put this on shelf and work on marriage which could be great if I could just let go. how do i do that?

I KNEW it too! It took my H 2 years (well - actually 20 months) to confess finally. I spent that 20 months seeking - and finding - more and more evidence and it nearly made me crazy!!! Honesty is the only way you'll ever get over it - but there's no guarantee that once you get it you won't fall apart too. When H told me finally 5 weeks ago - I fell apart totally. I'm still in the hole - but slowly - very slowly - with the help of God - I'm getting out.<P>I would pray and search - but stop asking him - he'll never tell you until you find "concrete" evidence - and maybe not even then. It wasn't until I began suspecting another A that I really pressed and pressed until we got into counseling - where he finally confessed. <P>Be blessed, and . . .<P>Be God's!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>"For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you - plans for good and not evil to give you a hope and a future" Jer. 29:11

If he has one, get copies of his cell phone bill, from when you suspected right up til today. In my time here it's usually one of the main sources of contact. It was in my W case.<P>Good Luck, I hope you're wrong.<P>oswald

I agree with Oswald. Cell phone bills are how I found out! Almost 300 calls in 4 months. If you know all of his info you can look up credit card statements online, you can order old copies of cell records, etc. They never admit (well almost never) until you have the proof!<P>Good luck,<BR>Window

Hi Char:<P>My situation is slightly different from other posters in that I am not married. I am engaged, living with BF. Nonetheless, I also have been working with feeling of suspicion for 8 months. I approached my BF on 3 occasions, each time in a calm and constructive manner and, like you, I was told there was no affair. My strongest "evidence" if you will, consists of overheard conversations when the other woman had a little too much to drink. <BR>I agree with others who have responded - the need for the truth can dominate you, and be the only thing you can think about. In some ways, honesty is the only thing that will truly allow you to grow into a new phase of your marriage. Having said that, getting the honesty you need is easier said than done. It takes patience, care, and you will be forced to weigh your need to find out what is going on with the natural respect you have probably had for your H's privacy.<BR>If you read some of my earlier posts, you will see that I did snoop, and that I'm not proud of it. However, I would probably do it again because it was the only thing that made me feel like I was accomplishing something, getting closer to the truth. I felt like I had been (very kindly) stonewalled by my fiance.<P>Have you had any reason, other than the presence and vanishing of the gift, that your H may be having an A? Gifts in the office are often from or for supplier and customers, too. For you to be as worried as you are, I suspect there may be more?<P>In 8 months, I have looked through all my BF's possessions, analyzed the cellphone bill (we actually share a cel), unsuccessfully attempted to obtain a record of my home phonecalls. I have confided in 2 close friends, and (as per another post of mine), made it known to well-wishers that, as we approach marriage, their love and respect is most appreciated. I actually have found nothing to substantiate an ongoing affair. I am quite certain that at least one incident occurred, but I have no evidence that it continued.<P>I, like you, want to "get over" this and move ahead. I also want the "concrete" evidence that people are describing, so that we can put this behind us. Sometimes you have to be very, very patient. <P>My advice would be this: <BR>Understand that you are not crazy. You may feel like doubting yourself, like you are being paranoid, irrational or obsessive. My time here has shown me that this is probably not the case .<P>Read the articles by Dr. Harley. Think about what they contain. Work on your marriage and give it your best each day. Do not give up, be strong and be patient.<P>As you are being positive within your marriage, if you truly continue to feel that something is wrong, you may have to begin investigating. This is a personal decision. You will then be acting (as I did) in an deceptive manner yourself. You need to weigh that vs. the very real pain you are feeling. I will share with you that I would do the "snooping" again. Despite it being wrong.<P>This board has been invaluable to me - the people here are resourceful, empathetic and encouraging. I hope that you are wrong about your H. But if you are right, know that you can move through it, you won't perish, and you can have a strong, deeply knit marriage at the end (so they tell me!!!! <P>Take care and good luck<BR>Robyn