This is my first post so bear with me.<P>I just found out about yet another affair that my husband has had and I'm really tired of living like this. Let me give you some history.<P>When we were married he had the first "one-night stand" about a month later, maybe two. He never told me. His friend did. He came home after being out all night drunk and smelling like sex and then the friend told me what had happened, that they had picked up some women at the bar and gon to there house to "do it" I kicked him out but he talked me into believing that he didn't do anything and I let him come home. Stupid me.<P>The next one was a year later with my hair stylist. The next one was with a girl we knew who used to baby sit for us. The next one was a bimbo at work. Let's see, that's 4? Ok, the next one was another bar slut he picked up. The next was a "friend" of mine from church. The next one was another bimbo from another job and was the first long-term affair. The next one, the one that's still going on and I think has been going on since last June and she's another bimbo he works with on this job.<P>He has denied all but the one that was long-term. Even though I had so much evidence and people telling me, etc. He's said they're all lying. The only reason he admitted the long-term one was the cell phone bill - he's an idiot! If I had concrete evidence for the rest and not just people or the other woman telling me about it maybe he'd tell but I doubt it.<P>So am I just supposed to keep on? We have three kids. I don't have any skills to work and support me and them and he knows it. He said that he wants to stay together and he's acting all sweet now, but I "know" he is still screwing this latest whore. I can tell.<P>We did the love busters thing and the emotional needs thing and it really hurt me cuz he said that my attractiveness was in the negative zone. He's a total jerk! I am a little overweight, not much, and men look at me all the time. Makes me want to go find a younger more muscular man with all his hair and have an affair of my own, but I'm not trash like my husband is. I have better morals than that.<P>Any advice?

Well, my first suggestion would be to get into counseling and get some help...whether he will go with you or not. His behavior is not only damaging your self-respect, it is extremely dangerous to your health. The danger of AIDS is very real today. And the anger that his behavior is feeding in you is not only bad for you, it is bad for your children as well.<P>You and only you can decide whether you continue to accept this kind of disrespectful behavior or not. No one here is walking in your shoes and even though I'm sure we all have pretty clear personal opinions, you have to make the choice to stay or go. No matter what you choose, you have to live with the choice you make and must therefore move carefully.<P>The only person you can change in your marriage is you. And you can't make those changes with the idea of changing your husband as a result. All you can do is do some serious self-examination and be the best "you" you can be. As you are doing that, you begin to weigh the past, the present and the future you hope to have. I believe your husband can change his ways, but I imagine he is going to have to "get so low he has to look up to see dirt", as we say here in the south, for that to happen. <P>You mention a church. I encourage you to really seek God and ask His guidance on this. He isn't going to wave some magic wand and fix everything overnight, but I believe He will show you the way to go and provide what you need to get there. <P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Step number one, go back to school, do whatever it takes to help yourself. Get a skill, anything. That is first and foremost. Once you are able and capable of taking care of yourself then you can make a decision based on what you want. <P>Have you read the Monogamy Myth? It is excellent.

To Almost Me:<P>You must be in alot of pain. I believe what the other posters advise - you must go back to school. You need to say that you will not accept his behavior towards you. They are right - you must get some counseling. It is your decision to be the kind of person you want to be. There are cases where the OS is out of control, and the marriage is pulled back together. Reading marriage related books is also very helpful. And, you have found this site (much earlier than I did). Hopefully your H. will begin to read either Dr. Harley's books, or another one. He needs to admit where he is.<P>This is extremely damaging to your health, and to your future health. Not only with the physical facts of AIDS, and other STDs. If your H. cannot come to the realization that AIDS is very real - he is a fool. The other part of health, is how damaging long term this destructive behavior is to your length of life. Recommend you read After the Affair. Reading will help you sort your feelings out. If you can get enough facts together about healthy marriages, and present them to your H., we pray he will decide to do the correct thing.<P>Remember, the person has to change for him or herself. You can change your behavior to change his behavior.<P>God bless you and keep you and your children safe. we will pray for your family. Let us know.<P>After shock

I'm new to this (having just found out about his first affair), but I do have one thing to say. You said you have no skills, but you did that on a website. You have computer/internet skills. Can you teach others to use computers? Lots of senior centers have backlogs of people wanting to learn, but not enough teachers to go around. The insurance company I work for is always looking for part-timers who want to learn and work into full time positions and the company will pay much more for ones with computer skills. Don't sell yourself short.

Thanks for all the replies. Don't know what I'm gonna do but I know that God is in control of whatever it is. <P>Dazed: thanks for the suggestions. The problem is that with 3 kids I don't know if I can make enough money to pay for daycare, especially in the summer where it would be full time. I really don't think a receptionist job or anything I can do would be paying the kind of money I need to make,even considering whatever child support I might get. It's hard for me to know what to do . . .<P>The weekend was better, but I'm still confused.

Here are some threads I think you will be able to identify with. Stay strong, read these and please let us know how you are doing.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008160.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008160.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008601.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008601.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000556.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000556.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.sexhelp.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexhelp.com</A> <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com</A> <BR>

First, go to skill and get a skill, and at the same time have a job. Second, go to counseling WITH him. Last, if this doesn't work, as soon as your finacally stable LEAVE him. I can tell you now, he is not worth staying around for. Not only are you going to continue to feel angry and hurt, but your kids or kid are going to pickup on his actions as well and act them out when they are older.

I'd probably better not weigh in on my opinion on whether or not you should stay with him because it's been said, and I don't think it's my place. I just wanted to ring with another opinion on your feeling stuck. <P>Remember please that there is all kinds of help out there, and people take advantage of it for far less valiant reasons than supporting three kids and getting schooling. Don't forget about the welfare sytems that we all pay tax dollars for, I would far rather see them going to someone like you than to some of the recipients I have known. It's no joy ride, and no long term plan, but it can get you to where you want to go if you want to go to school, which is the best idea in here by far.<P>Also, I highly recommend the book "How To Get What You Want And Want What You Have" by John Gray. Use the techniques, especially the meditation, they all work and help tremendously. The only person holding you back from getting what you want out of life is you, whatever it may be that you decide you want.<P>

AM,<P>I have to second what ScaredNY said. My H. is a multi-cheater like yours, who also refused to admit to any but the ones I had concrete proof of. When my instincts began screaming at me to pay attention and that the end was near, I found lots of work and went to the welfare system to see what options were available to me. <P>I went back to waiting tables (something just about everyone has done to get through college) and did some temp work. Like Dazed pointed out, these computer skills turned into cash and I could pick and choose my assignments for a while. The waitressing job paid better though, with benefits and better hours to boot so it won out. <P>The welfare system in our state led me to free health insurance for my kids (dental, too), a child-care subsidy for all three kids (one still in pre-school full time), and a listing of non-profit agencies that offer lower-income housing to employed families (I'm in a beautiful townhouse in a chi-chi neighborhood near down-town). <P>When it came time to move, I was lucky enough to have one friend who "donated" the small deposit on my place (God answers when you ask!) and another showed up with a small loan, no interest and a years time to pay back, no questions asked. <P>Being apart from him hasn't been easy, but it's given me room to breath, to think, to see how well I can take care of myself and these kids. (He's only giving me $400 a month). There are good months and months when things are tight, but it's never impossible. <P>Someone in another thread pointed out to me that with a serial cheater, the problem usually isn't in the marriage, it's with the individual. I've believed that for a long time. <P>Just the fact that they're saying that everyone else is lying tellsus something. My H made a pass at my neighbor and at a good friends of ours. They both told me, and he says they're both lying -- they're both NUTS, according to him. Yet he's admitted to a few other one-night-stands. I think it's to put an end to my questioning and make me believe that he's being totally honest. He has everything to gain by preserving this marriage. I have to figure out what I have to gain here.<P>Good luck to you AM. <P>Snow<P>

Ok, let me get this straight . . .<P>Marriage Builders is all about keeping marriages together, no matter what, right? And all of you have read all the material here on this sight, right?<P>And some of you are STILL telling me that my best option is to "get out", to get a job and leave him??? This sends an awful confusing message to me. Aren't I supposed to be doing the Plan A thing to the best of my ability? This sounds to me like you want me to skip Plan A totally and go directly to Plan B - do not pass GO - do not collect $200.00!! <P>My only question originally was, do I have to forgive AND forget, and how do I get through this thing. I WANT to make my marriage work. I believe that GOD can and will change my husband. I am standing in faith for this relationship to work out. HOWEVER, I am not stupid, and I do realize that "AIDS" is a very real threat. I also know that I must be prepared with a Plan B waiting in the wings should it all go south for the winter. But I was not expecting so many to encourage me to chunk it all and get out.<P>I realize that my first post was bad, but I was hurt and angry and just "venting". Haven't any of you ever done that?

Hi almostme... <BR> (my former name is IN THE SOUTH) <P>If you are in need of help and understanding, this is the place.<P>First, you must get in control of your situation. This A is a sin that can be forgiven, but you may never forget. I will soon be put in the back of your mind.<P>God allows us to suffer in order to become stronger.<P>This is a test, a test of life. If you want to work on your marriage after all that has been done, good for you. If down the line, you decide that enough is enough, then fine. But you need to work toward a trade and to become independent of yourself. Maybe when your H realize that you don't need him--that you can make it with or without him-----he may straigten us.<P>God bless you and keep you. You are in my prayers.

Yes Marriage builders is about rebuilding a marriage but we must all learn to know the difference between saving something worth saving and being a doormat.<BR>My H had one affair, and three would be the end. I am a Christian too, but I have limits even if God does not. I have too much self respect to stay with someone who is not worthy of me and puts me in danger of diseases.<BR>Bathbun<P>------------------<BR>Bunny

No disrespect intended, AM. Your original post DID sound desperate and like you wondered how you could possibly take care of yourself without "skills". i think some of us were simply pointing out what can be done if need be.<P>Just FYI -- this is all about rebuilding. I think we all do it in our own way. I for one had to get away, had to send him out there to fend for himself for a change and work on myself for a while before I could consider working on the marriage. I know that my Plan A isn't the ideal but it is a Plan A, and NOT a Plan B. (Neither one of us is willing to shut the door on the marriage until we feel like we've turned every stone). <P>I Plan A'd from within the marriage for years and it did no good. I did what I needed to do and I really DON'T believe that we'd still be talking if we had remained under the same roof.<P>Anyhow, you closed your post with, " Any advice?" I Think we all just gave what we had to offer. You certainly aren't obligated to take it. <P>Snow