Here is a rough day. I had been suspecting my wife was having an affair, but I got constant, very angry denials.(e.g. "you'll kick yourself when we're done and you find there's no one else. This isn't about other people, it's about you and me" etc.) She said she wanted "peace" and no "heavy discussions".I thought, o.k. no problem. She had also complained about me snooping ( see, when you think your wife is having an affair..). So today she left her work laptop logged onto e-mail when she "went to look at apartments". She could have been at o.m. house, apparently that has been the strategy. She told me recently "You should just be happy that I sleep here at night." Can you believe this? So she goes overto his house during the day/evening. <BR>I'm wandering, sorry. I took a look into the e-mail and bang. So she's been sneaking off to see this divorced guy.<BR>She took our kids to play with his a couple of times.AAGHH. <BR>Just to make this complete, she portrays me to her close fiends as a complete @@#$%@. She tells me I'm a fantastic dad, great guy,just doesn't love me. I know, I know. But she provides a description of me to her close friends that is really offensive. I treat this woman as if I love her (very much). So now what? I can't bring myself to go near her, I really mad and hurt. What in the world could you do to somebody to deserve this mess? I think I'll keep the info to myself for the moment. She wants to live apart, sounds like plan B. I cannot believe that months of plan A bring this. So we'll see if moron can provide for all her needs. Here's another kicker; this guy is the BIL of our area vP. W and I work for the same company.We all report to the same office,but I can work VO and often do. W once told me she didn't want me in the office because she had created her own environment and couldn't enjoy it if I was there. So, would you snoop or what? <BR>I cannot believe this.<BR>I had posted on the EN board, I guess I'll post here if I continue to try. Here's my original post<P> <BR>" I have been married for 10 years, have two kids ( 7 yo girl and 2 yo boy).I have a great job and family. My Wife has decided that she would be happier living on her own.I am dying at the thought of my great family seperating.We had sold our house and were under contract for a new one; my wife decided that she didn't want to buy the new house w me <BR>after all. So now our house is sold and we will be moving apart at the end of July. I found this site in Feb. and have tried to do plan A for a couple of months; wife was in deep withdrawal and it didn't seem to help much at all. It is very hard to do an effective plan A when the loss of <BR>everything that makes life worth living is at hand. I need help figuring out how to keep my wife and family. I had a session w Steve Harley yesterday. He was great, but feels the thing to do is not seperate;I would love this but I think my wife is focused on leaving.My wife says I'm a great guy and great dad, but this isn't enough .She refuses to <BR>talk about the relationship ("we've already covered this"). I'm trying to continue to plan A but it's hard ( her taker is in complete control). Help!"<BR>

I'd have to agree with Steve...<BR>...stay together as long as possible.<BR>...it is the best way to make Plan A work!<P>If she leaves... that's up to her!<P>Is custody is an issue...<BR>...with your VO situation you should have a leg up on her...<BR>...but for a man... it is never an easy track.<P>Do document all you can...<BR>...if custody is important...<BR>...once there is "enough"... whatever "enough" is...<BR>...you'll have to go into honesty mode about what you know...<P>It sounds like you know enough...<BR>...but if need be (and if you can handle the hurt... check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000480.html" TARGET=_blank> "Snoop Tricks for Betrayed Spouses"</A>)<P>But as I said...<BR>...in time... express (through honesty) that what she does/continues to do... hurts.<P>Keep focused on Plan A as best you can in the mean time.<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim

NSR - thanks for taking the time to reply. I'd like to hear her side, but she has repeatedly denied an affair.How do you confront? Do you confront? Do you tell family? How do you plan B when there's kids?I think I'd like to try to recover, I don't know, I'm very numb.

You never have to give you "sources"...<BR>...they really aren't the relative issue...<P>What is relevant... is how you honestly feel...<BR>...because it is your feeling that is the reflection of having your needs met...<P>Plan A... is making sure that you meeting her needs...<BR>...are (for the duration of Plan A)... not going to be negatively impacted by her inability to meet your needs.<BR>This is hard... but it is what Plan A is practically asking you to do!<P>Do you tell family?...<BR>...only as a last resort... when separation is inevitable!<BR>Bringing family into your efforts is almost always a LB.<P>Plan B... is a tough one....<BR>Do read my posts <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P>Make decisions... after reflection...<BR>...hopefully... prayerful reflection.<P> <P>Jim<BR>

This was hard for me too. I at first reacted politely, then when numbness wore off the anger came out. Then thank goodness I started counseling and found this site. I started treating her like the wife I love and want to keep. I decided that when I feel like a victim I tend to hurt her back. So it helps me to look at the hurt like a penance to be done for my past hurts to her. I wanted to feel that if things didn't work out it wasn't because of me not trying hard enough.<P>The advice about not discussing affair, etc with family is good. Don't let them turn against her or your marriage. If your together in the future they will have a hard time not seeing her in a different way. Also she may resist the "martyr" taking back this sinning woman. You want her back because you love her, or if you can't accept her actions, let her go, don't be the one to tell this story. It shows your love for her if you think of her needs and not hurting her, even when it hurts you to do so.<P>Pour out you feelings to a couselor, It's the best thing I ever did for me.<P>PS My wife and I were apart 7 1/2 months, We are still working on things, but she is here and definately warming up to being here. Still very much a rollercoaster but she's here. She is talking about US and things in the future for us. Two months together is starting to eraise the months apart. I can't ever "get back at her for doing this to me". She wasn't trying to hurt me, she was trying to feel better herself. This thought helps put it into perspective.<P>Good luck and have Faith. .D.

Daniel( also my name) and NSR, thank you for your posts; I really appreciate the feedback. She says she doesn't want lawyers involved; I'm not sure where this leaves custody. I think I'll check w one just because. Daniel, it's good to know some WS return. She keeps asking what else is wrong; I tell her "nothing". I see no point at this point of bringing it up for discussion. If I remember right, Dr. Harley says that love units cannot be deposited while WS is still in the affair; is this correct? The OM is such a loser...

Daniel( also my name) and NSR, thank you for your posts; I really appreciate the feedback. She says she doesn't want lawyers involved; I'm not sure where this leaves custody. I think I'll check w one just because. Daniel, it's good to know some WS return. She keeps asking what else is wrong; I tell her "nothing". I see no point at this point of bringing it up for discussion. If I remember right, Dr. Harley says that love units cannot be deposited while WS is still in the affair; is this correct? The OM is such a loser...

I'd like some help figuring this one out... My wife called me on the cell this a.m. and said that she had found a house for her to move into and wanted me to look at it, if I wanted. We talked about it,I asked what the rent was.She said no rent, she'd PURCHASE it. Long pause. She says in no way does this imply anything ( like divorce, permanent <BR>separation). She then says that rather than have me stress about finding a place to live in this tight market I can stay there until I find something.. I didn't say much,I'm not sure what this means.One thing I've learned is not to push sometimes ( most times?). Also, she may not be ready to "officially" recommit.She had said she was done, the marriage was over?! She's been showing some slight affection, I'm not sure if this "means " anything or not.So of course I'm thinking,move in w you and the kids,this is great! But is it? Any ideas?<BR>