I don't know if what I am doing is right. My husband and I have been married seven years, we have no kids. We just bought our home 4 months ago, both our jobs are going great and after a lot of hard times in our seven years of marriage things seemed really solid when one day my H told me he was bored at work and registered at Classmates.com. Only one person had registered from his small graduating class and it just happened to be his High School girlfriend he lost his virginity to. This was 6 weeks ago! Shortly after they started communicating he was telling me about her...she lives on the opposite coast from us and is getting a divorce. The next thing he is saying we need to work on our marriage and he tells me that he and this person are communicating regularly. I told him it was dangerous for our marriage and asked him to stop. He told me he did but then I just found out one week ago that he met her for a weekend a couple of weeks ago when I thought he was on a "guys" weekend. I lost it and we had a big fight. I told him he had to quit talking to her and he said he couldn't.<P>Now as of 3 days ago he has moved out of the house and she is still all the way across the country, although they talk everyday. He has moved into a friend's extra bedroom and has plans to visit her next weekend (she is paying for the ticket because he still has to help me with the mortgage).<P>He would have told anyone who would listen that we would never get a divorce two months ago and now he is thinking he wants one to pursue this relationship and divorce me. He says he still cares about me but also cares about her, he doesn't say he loves either of us. He does say he feels he needs more passion and that there has to be more to life than what we have. He didn't even give us a chance by telling me anything was wrong!<P>I have been reading everything I can on this website and still don't know what to do...I am trying to get him to work on our marriage but he says he needs to see where this is going and maybe by going to see her he will realize he is making a mistake. In only 6 weeks of talking she has even talked of plans to relocate with her two children, taking them away from their father, who she cheated on.<P>I am in complete shock that this is happening and don't know what to do. Do I keep in contact with him? Do I just wait for him to get over this? He is completely addicted to this woman, what do I do??? Please help!!!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>LAJ

Welcome <B>LAJ</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do I keep in contact with him?...<BR><B>You bet you should...<BR>...if he can come back home... all the better</B>... that's part of how to do a better Plan A.<P>Do I just wait for him to get over this?...<BR><B>Absolutely NOT</B>... Plan A means keeping up with meeting his Emotional Needs!<P>He is completely addicted to this woman, what do I do???..<BR><B>Plan A</B> to the hilt!...<BR>...and start as much honesty toward him about your feelings as possible (without it becoming an argument/Love Buster).<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 28, 2001).]

Well, first of all you don't panic. I know things seem hopeless right now, but there is always hope.<P>Your husband is acting like a teenager. That is most probably what is going on here. Reconnecting with this woman has taken him back to a time when he was carefree and his only concern was about feeling good. He is living a fantasy and it can't last. Once he sees the realities of life with two children, neither of them his, the bubble should burst.<P>You absolutely stay in touch with him. You make sure he knows that you love him and believe your marriage can be restored and built into something magnificent. You let him know that you are willing to work with him to make whatever changes need to be made to make this marriage something both of you find passion and fulfillment in. Let him know that he is welcome to come home....that you want him at home with you.<P>You've read the materials here. I also suggest Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is primarily for couples who are in the process of restoring their marriage, but there is a section designed especially to get the unfaithful spouse to give the marriage a fighting chance.<P>If you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I encourage you to lean totally on Him right now. He is the reason my marriage survived and was restored after my husband's affair. He orchestrated the revelation and end of the affair and led us each step of the way to healing. Many days he carried one of both of us....sometimes we just didn't have the strength to take another step. We consider ourselves healed now...it has been a little over 3 years since the revelation and end of the affair. <P>If you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, I encourage you to consider seeking Him out. He wants to love you and help you in this crisis. <P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thank you so much for the encouragement, I will have to get that book because he thinks all his feelings are only for her right now. As far as keeping in touch with him shall I call? email? How much, how often?<P>He is coming over for dinner Thursday before he goes to see her, do I try to get him to come over more often or get him to make dates with me? As of right now he will not stop talking to her and won't move back in. If I were to be able to get him to move back (which at this point I don't think I could), am I supposed to sit idly by while he continues this relationship?<P>I am relying heavily on God right now as I am a Christian. Our faith was one of the main reasons we fell in love and got married but it seems we have strayed as of late. I keep telling him I know he will get over this and that he will realize we can make our marriage beautiful again and that we will never again forget about going to church and keep God in our lives but he doesn't seem to care about much but this relationship with this woman right now.<P>When I have asked him what is so special all he will say is that she says all the right things but will give me no details so I don't even know what I am up against.

To LAJ:<P>I know you think you are going CRAZY. I know you are experiencing intense pain, trauma, disbelief. I know you feel as though as you are being torn in two, and you hurt beyond hurt. And much, much more.<P>This is normal. We've been there - and you are in the right place for help! Take the previous advice, read all of Dr. Harley's advice, and put it to work - ie. Plan A. Hang in there with your H. Read Dr. Harley's How to Survive an Affair, and other books. After the Affair is a good one too. You will be on an emotional roller coaster. You will survive it. Inspite of all the pain you will be in. Do not throw in the towel yet, emotionally you are beat, and is not the best time to make any decisions. Time will take the healing.<P>I am a jr. member right now, just finding the site because I made some phone calls for some help, and then Dr. Harley contacted me. Even almost 11 months later, Marriage Builders has been good for me.<P>LAJ, you will hurt, and we know it will take some time. He will have to realize that the "no contact" letter will have to be in place. Right now, he is emotionally running, and he will not be able to see straight.<P>Hang in there. After shock<P>

I can't tell you exactly what forumla to follow in contacting him, but would suggest checking in by phone at least daily...if not more often. You might also write him emails and let him know that you are standing firm, that you know he has a foundation of faith and that you are praying for him to make the right decisions. How much is too much and how much is too little? Only you are going to know that one based on your knowledge of him. Don't try to become someone you know you aren't.....as others here will say, just be the best "you" you can be.<P>God hearing you. It doesn't matter how far you've strayed, He is there ready to take you in His arms and comfort you. Do you have a church home? If not, I encourage you to find one asap. Whatever your denomination, begin tonight looking for churches in you area and call them tomorrow asking about their programs. You will probably find at least one that offers counseling services. That would be a good place to begin.<P>Begin right now praying and asking God for guidance. He will show you how much and in what ways to contact your husband. You can also pray for your husband. Pray that God will wake him up in whatever way is necessary to get him back on the right path. Be assured that God is in no way part of his affair. God is on the side of your marriage. Be assured also, though, that as you seek God's guidance He is going to show you some areas where you need work in your marriage. It doesn't mean you are to blame for your husband's actions, but that you have responsibility for the condition of your marriage just as your husband does.<P>I'd like to suggest a devotion book that meant a great deal to me in those early days....it still does in fact. It is Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby. It is so beautiful and God is so present in the devotions. He used that little book to reach out to me all the way through my journey. I also encourage you to read in your Bible and concentrate on the Psalms and Proverbs. God will speak to you there as well.<P>Trust God. He won't let you down. Even if your husband does the unthinkable and leaves the marriage, God will not leave you. He will love you and guide you and lead you to healing. Concentrate on Him and seek His guidance.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LAJ:<BR><B>I have been reading everything I can on this website and still don't know what to do...I am trying to get him to work on our marriage but he says he needs to see where this is going and maybe by going to see her he will realize he is making a mistake. In only 6 weeks of talking she has even talked of plans to relocate with her two children, taking them away from their father, who she cheated on.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not too surprised! My ex-bestfriend moved north with her two children to live with my husband, only 3.5 weeks after their EA became P and I found out about it. Things can move really fast. And less than 2 months later, my H told her that he wanted to come back to me, and she has left with her children. Sounds like your H, like mine, after years of believing in monogamy and fidelity, suddenly rediscovered passion and thought it meant much more than it did. I really hope the fog lifts from your H as soon as it did from mine. We still have to work to repair what was wrong with our marriage before this happened, but I'm fairly confident that the A is completely over.<P><BR>>I am in complete shock that this is happening and don't >know what to do. Do I keep in contact with him? Do I >just wait for him to get over this? He is completely >addicted to this woman, what do I do??? Please help!!!<P>Try following Plan A. I was never quite sure if I was doing it right or not, but it gives you something to do. Because I was just crying, pleading, with no sense of direction until I discovered this site. Being more calm and pleasant certainly helped - the OW was incredibly demanding and unstable, and I showed up well in contrast. But it is very hard when every fibre of your body is telling you to act differently!<P>Read all you can about affairs - the statistics are on your side! Best of luck, I hope it is over soon (as far as these things are ever really over...)<P>Dido<P>

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I talked to him today and found that the week that we were supposed to go on vacation (our trip is already paid for) she is planning on visiting him out here and that he is still planning on taking the time. I asked him not to do it. I told him that we were so looking forward to this vacation (he hasn't had a lot of time off) and to not waste it on something that wasn't real or just for my sake. He said he had no control because she was doing all the planning and I said, does she run your life now? He said he would let me know tomorrow but I am completely devastated. I feel like I am not looking strong but for him to take our vacation time to spend with her is killing me. Should I not say anything to him about this or stand firm on him at least not doing this? It will kill me to know he spent his only vacation time with her!<P>------------------<BR>LAJ

LAJ<BR> I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are with friends here who know how you feel. He is not thinking with reason right now. Please print out "how affairs start how they should end and emotional needs questionnaire" one copy for you and one for him. He is in a teenage fantasy and it wont last be strong and work on making yourself happy until he comes back to you. I will pray for a sense of calmness and peace and clarity for you. keep posting.<P>------------------<BR>L.

oh ya, order " Torn Assunder" by Carder. I wish I would have had it in the beginning. I am 1 month out of DDay.<P>------------------<BR>L.

LAJ I can relate to your story. My H of 15 has been having a VERY involved A with a coworker- its been a true addiction for him. I think he needs to be deprogrammed! I am 2 mo past d-day have been thru the works- his going back and forth, moving out for 3 wks, moving back in, then contacting her again, she pressured him to file for divorce on me which he did 2 wks ago then he cancelled the divorce papers and is back home! Is that a rollercoaster or what? Hang in there. Things could get messier before they get cleaner. My favorite book about affairs is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. He goes into great detail about what these husbands are THINKING. ( or not thinking as the case may be). And good strategies. I too thought my marriage was going fine before the A! It was a shock to me that H can emotionally detach from me so quickly and completely. He says hurtful things to me and doesnt care because he is so addicted to OW and needs to find fault with our marriage in order to justify his own actions to himself. My advice to you is read read read and go to counseling by yourself for insight. I talked to 2 pastors in my town. Tell your friends get some support. And do small nice things for yourself. I take a hot bath and also go to Starbucks every day and try different coffee drinks. Do your nails! Shope for clothes-I lost 10 lbs the first month needed clothes that fit. If you dont want a divorce( I dont for spiritual reasons) refuse to discuss it if he brings it up. It will only lead to more fighting believe me. Just tell him you're against divorce and dont let him drag you into a fight about it.( However if he seems serious I would advice getting the name of a good attorney just in case- I asked around at church and found a good one) Keep posting. I know how bad you must be feeling. My dr had to double my antidepressants after my first wk after I found out. lifeismessy

I have been trying to do Plan A but a couple of times I think I came off too needy. Last weekend was our first weekend apart and I was very sad and lonely. Then upon talking to him yesterday he has let me know that he has already filed for divorce. He only moved out of the house 6 days ago and we were intimate 9 days ago. I know it has to be the OW pressuring him because he takes forever to just change a light bulb. Something was said about how long he would be responsible for the house so I guess she doesn't want him spending that money. He has only been talking to her 6-8 weeks and has only spent one weekend with her yet he files for divorce??? I feel crushed and like I am on another planet. He told me the papers should be here tomorrow or Thursday. I do know a lawyer to have him look at them.<P>My question is what do I do in the meantime? I know he is making a big mistake, he doesn't even know her! Do I keep with Plan A? He still is supposed to come over for dinner Thursday. I told him to still come because I wanted to find out what all of you think. I just can't believe this is real...this has to be an addiction because there is no thought going into any of his decisions. It's like he is a completely different person.<P>On an email to me yesterday he wrote: The last thing I wanted to do was leave, but I had to. What is that all about? I guess he feels this love is destined or something, I don't know. I just pray to God to give me strength and to open his eyes. He's throwing away 7 years of marriage!!! Please give me any insights!!!<P>------------------<BR>LAJ

LAJ,<P>Take a deep breath. Stay focused. You already know that your husband is being irrational. Realize that he can't help it right now. It is the addiction fog that is causing it. But, more importantly, realize that you CANNOT control his actions. You can only control how YOU REACT to his actions. You have to remain the rational one. Make sure he knows how his actions are making you feel. But tell him calmly and not with angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements.<P>Accept for yourself that your feelings and emotions are going to get tossed around for a while. Expect it. It will make the individual blows easier to survive. One thing I did was to keep a daily journal of my thoughts, feelings and emotions. It was a great way to unload without sabotaging my Plan A efforts.<P>You should communicate with your husband as often as you want. After all, it's the only way to resolve anything. Some will say that it is dangerous to contact him too often. They say it will only force him further away. And, that is true *IF* your contact consists mainly of love busters like anger, judgements and controlling behavior. If your contact only deposits love units, there is great value in frequent communication. That is the control you have.<P>Be alert to the fact that your husband is withdrawing love units at an alarming pace. Soon your account will be empty. Try to prepare yourself for that day. That is the day when you hear yourself saying (and meaning it) "I give up". Don't give in to the temptation. Make, and stick to, a commitment to yourself to do absolutely everyting in your power to save your marriage. Pray for strength. My guess is that by the time this day comes, the affair will have run its course. Then your husband will be pursuing you because you have filled up his love bank account. Try to be open, then, to having your emotional needs satisfied.<P>In short, LAJ, keep your faith in God and stick to the plan. It works. I'm proof.<P>TTFN,<P>Kalote

I am posting again to update the situation and hopefully get some support and wisdom. I was doing Plan A beautifully last week and he kept emailing and calling me when on Wednesday he wanted to see me and I told him I wouldn't be home, I had a hair appt. after work. He then asked that since I wouldn't be at home if he could come over and do some laundry and I said yes. I arrived a couple of hours later, hoping he was still there and also hoping he wasn't since I was afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to Plan A him.<P>Well, he was here and we talked a little and he said that he wasn't going to take our vacation time with her and that he wasn't going to see her last weekend because she is crazy. He said they had been fighting for days (over the phone) and that she is psycho. He told her it was over. I was elated but didn't jump the gun as he said he still wanted the divorce but as we kept talking I could tell that wasn't true.<P>The next day was our dinner date and my biggest worry was that he would want to come back before I had finished my books! However, he told me that they had made up and that she had said "how can you give up on me after just one temper tantrum?" This all on the same day that the divorce papers arrived! We still have only been separated for a less than 2 weeks today!<P>So....he went all the way across the country for 2 days with her and her kids. He came back last night and now he is starting to have some bills go to the place he is staying, asking me when I will sign the papers and in general driving me crazy. I know I didn't Plan A him very well and the whole weekend was very painful knowing he was in the arms of another.<P>Oh, another thing...I saw a picture of her and she looks a lot like me and he told me on the phone today that we sound alike. I asked him that if he could feel the same way about me as he does about her (the passion, etc.) would he want to stay with me and he said "of course." Yet I can't get him to work on our marriage or come home. He would come home to sleep in the extra bedroom and keep talking to her though...he did say that!<P>Any insights? I still feel crazy and sick to my stomach all the time!<P>------------------<BR>LAJ

LAJ,<P>I'm glad to hear you are still hanging in there. To me, it seems like things are going as expected. In other words, very chaotic and confusing. This is normal just two weeks after D-Day. If you are aware that the roller coaster ride is going to be quite wicked for a while, you can better brace yourself.<P>My wife was back and forth and up and down and all over the place right up until the day she realized she'd fallen in love with me again. It came as a shock to her. She wasn't looking for it. She didn't want it. But, she couldn't deny that the love was there. It was at this point that she was able to start thinking clearly about everything she was risking and what she was doing to me and the kids. This took about 5 months of constant Plan A'ing by me. It was another 7 or 8 months before she was completely over him and about another year after that until I felt safe enough to allow my wife to try to satisfy my emotional needs.<P>My point is, you must have patience. And you must have faith that God is working with you to try to melt the ice around your husband's heart. You must be very careful because a small back-slide off Plan A can have huge effects at this point in recovery.<P>Take encouragement from the fact that OW has already started to show her true colors. She will likely continue to do so. It seems your H reacts quickly to her LB behavior. Also a good sign. But, be aware, she may also know about MB and may be trying to Plan A, herself. You have to be better at it. <P>I worry about that with all the posters here. Is the OM/OW reading what you say? It's a Catch-22 situation. You have to keep posting to get help and encouragement. But, you may be revealing your strategy to the other side. Hmmm. Something to think about.<P>Anyway, LAJ, rest assured you are doing the right thing. If you can get him to move back home, all the better. If nothing else, it will drive OW crazy and may get her to show more LB behavior.:-)<P>Take care. Don't give up. Keep posting.<P>TTFN,<P>Kalote<BR>