I found out my wife of 14 years (we have a 13 yr old boy and 4 yr old girl)was having an affair just after New Years. The affair had lasted about 2 years. They "offically" broke it off at the end of January. It's now the end of April and they have been communicating via phone and e-mail. I didn't like this arrangement so I told her it had to stop or she would risk losing everything. About 3 weeks ago she lost her job. She was till talking with the guy (said they were just friends) BULL S, so I finally put an end to it. <P>I found an e-mail from him asking her to meet him at the airport after he returned from a business trip. I then confronted her and told her not to go, she agreed.I then called his wife to tell her about the potential meeting (he wasen't going to like getting home from the airport).<P>Knowing what he looked like, (i found a picture of him in her checkbook) I went instead, partly to make sure she didn't go. But mostly to suprise him and tell him to get lost. I worked. What a weasel. The fact that he was almost 20 years older than me almost made me feel a sorry for him. Well he immediately called her and told her it was over, no more communicating of any kind. Smart move on his part since I know where he lives and works.<P>Well I get home and she's furious at me (too bad) I feel great, finally have some control over my life again. Now that its over (with my help). She went to her sisters house for a few days to cool off and get her head on right.<P>How do I handle her when she returns? What should I do? I want us to stay together and she does too.

Welcome <B>kicksfan</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Your actions ocassionally do work...<BR>...but in general... confronting the OP... is not the MB normal strategy.<P>Very often the confrontation will bring the WS and OP together... if not immediately... then in a few weeks... or even months.<P>You have now hurt your W... right or wrong... she is hurt!<BR>Your control is still her hurt.<P>Before she returns...<BR>Right now if at all possible...<BR>Call her... and apologize!!! For not making a decision with her on the confrontation with the OM.<P>Let her know you love her... and want to (in a more constructive way) rebuild your marriage!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Think "<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>"... and "<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>"... instead of control!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

I have already apologized to her, more than once. I tell her everyday that I love her and want to make our relationship better than it has ever been, but to be frank, she just wasn't letting go of him and it was destroying whatever chance I had of letting her stay in this relationship. He had to leave, there is no room for the 3 of us.<P>I just don't agree that confronting him was the wrong thing to do, in this case, and the fact that she is hurt, while understandable, does nothing to ease the hurt and pain she has caused me or the children. She needs to take responsibility for what she has done and not having him around will, IMO, give us a much better chance to fix our relationship. If the communicating would have continued, without my involvement (since she had no intention of ending it) she would have lost more than her job. By the way, she had even approached me to include him in our circle of friends. That's just crazy. I appreciate your advice and look forward to hearing from you.

I'm not saying that things won't work out by your confronting the OM...<BR>...it's just for the vast majority of FSs... it has back-fired.<P>Telling her... about your love is good...<BR>Showing her... (with Plan A actions)... is better!<P>Let her know the specific ENs (she needs) you are working on...<BR>You have to put her pain away quickly...<BR>...to start on recovery.<P>How about counseling? (ala MB?)...<P>And yes... give her time... but in time... she needs to write a "no contact" letter to the OM...<BR>This is a closure step... <B>she</B> has to do!<P> <P>Jim

you did the right thing. if you follow a number of post on here you will see that failure to confront and draw the line is perceived as not willing to fight for your wife. many a wife will say that. "I wish that he would have fought for me" your wife is in the wrong here and if you kowtoe to her she will feel that all that has happened is your fault. we are living in a world of excuses and apoligies. soon no one will ever have to face up to themselves. for the sake of your family stay strong. good luck

thanks for the support. i know i did the right thing.<P>my wife returns tomorrow after spending a few days with her sister. we just spoke about the ground rules for her return. basically she wants me to give her some space to help her sort things out, i agreed as long as she promised not to try to contact or communicate with him. i will ask her, per dr. harley's advice, to be honest with me if it does occur. <P>she has also agreed to allow me to support her important emotional needs, a step in the right direction. we will discuss her supporting my needs when she gets home. i know there is much to do and that it will take time, but i'm in this to succed, i love her too much to give up.

kicksfan:<P>It's ironic that different situations call for different solutions. I personally agree with your confrontation. I too confronted the Other woman. My husband had lied to both of us, telling her we were separated. Once she learned the truth she dropped him immediately.<P>The only drawback to this scenario is the fact that the decision to end the relationship should come from the wandering spouse. But at the same time I would not change what I did. If it makes you feel in control again it was your way of dealing with the horror of an affair.<P>Good luck, best wishes!<P>

thanks for your reply. I agree. in this case the "affair" had ended, however the communicating did not. the talked and e-mailed each other and that need to stop. I could not let them be friends and at the same time try to restore our marriage. if he is smart he will stay away, if not i have more tricks up my sleeve, i think my W has realized that it is best this way and withdrawl from a friend status will be easier since withdrawl from the affair status has mostly occured.

You did the right thing by confronting him. I did the same thing and I told the OM that I would fight for my marriage. He then backed off in front of my wife and said that he wasn't willing to fight. My wife then saw that he had used her. I would warn him that you will see his boss next if you catch him one more time.<P>I have read the book by William Harley and do agree with what is said. However, I also disagree that you have to cater to the person who had the affair and apologize for their behavior. The fact that you're giving her a second chance is good enough. In my case I gave the OM a chance and he tried to destroy my marriage by contacting her again. So I put him in jail for the remainder of his probation.<P>My wife and I are doing fine and she is committed to the marriage. Its me that is now on the rollercoaster ride and you will too after the shock wears off. Hang in there. There's hope.<BR>