It's been a bit less than a week since I found out. This year has been hell so far, with 2 deaths in my immediate family between January 1 and April 2, now I find out my husband of 10 years has been having an affair for 2 months. I'm so sad and upset that I couldn't think straight all week at work. Thank God I have a very understanding and supportive boss and two coworkers who've been through this too.<P>He says he feels a deep need to be a father. When we were discussing marriage, I asked him if not having children would be a problem for him, since I never saw myself in the role of a mother. I said that point of view might change, but I didn't think so. It hasn't, but now he says emphatically that he needs to be a father when he said back then that he didn't have a problem being childless.<P>We went to see a pastor the other day who said he thinks this need for children must be covering some other need, since it seems too strong. <P>There have been some weighty financial problems in our marriage (last 4 years anyway) involving a move from his home state to a city neither of us had ever lived in. The move was for my job, which turned out to have been misrepresented. Now, we're both in jobs we like, but haven't got out from under the financial burden yet and he had an affair with a younger woman who says she wants the same thing as he (she also says she divorced her husband because he hadn't wanted children). <P>He says he's willing to work with a counselor, but doesn't see what anyone can do about his need to have a child. I still don't feel that desire and I'm now over 40, so it would also be a big risk. Can our marriage be saved?<P>We have other conflicts to work out, which I believe can be worked out, but I don't know what to do about the child. I can't see myself having one, since the rebuilding (if we can do it) after the affair will take a while and my biological clock is winding down. He's not in favor of adoption, as he wants a child with his genes, he says. Where do I go from here?

Dear Dazed,<P>The last thing a newborn baby needs is to be born into an insecure, unstable marriage with parents who are not committed to staying together and loving each other. There isn't enough time for you to recover your marriage, trust him, get over the grieving process about his infidelity and deal with all the issues that made him betray his marriage vows, in time for you to "get pregnant." <P>I respect your wisdom and thoughtfulness and your decision that you didn't want to be a mother. <P>I was older when we had our child. We went through all the infertility stuff for a couple of years, and trying to conceive strained our marriage. Even if you conceive and carry to term when you first start "trying" the infidelity issues and the weakness in the foundation are still there. Couples who have endured an affair need time to recover. <P>How thin do you want to spread yourself? Marriage therapy takes a lot of work. A good counselor gives you homework assignments, and a lot of thought goes into repairing a damaged marriage.<P>It also can be expensive. With debts that you already owe, you would have more debts to the counselor. <P>After all this, there is no guarantee that the baby your husbands says he wants will be the glue to hold you together. Truth is, having a baby puts a strain on even the healthiest marriages. <P>Your H has his eye on somebody who says she wants the same thing that he says he wants - to have his own baby. <P>The deck is stacked against you. More importantly, the one to suffer from an unstable marriage would be an innocent helpless baby. <P>Sometimes we can't have what we want. You want your marriage, and for your husband and you to love each other. So did I. <P>There are posters here who repaired marriages damaged by affairs. But not all marriages with an affair can be repaired. Ours couldn't be. <P>Wish I could say something to make you feel better. But from where I sit, it doesn't appear that conceiving and giving birth to a child to keep your marriage alive would be fair or right.<P>Sorry for your pain. <P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Dazed2001,<P>I certainly cannot refute Bellevue's conclusions. However, let me offer somethings to consider. You say the affair is 2 months old. You have suffered the loss of two family members. You say you are over 40, so I am guessing he is is 40+ as well.<P>Now have you ever heard of the mid-life crisis? I am sure you have. It is a period in your life when you question, your goals, your self-worth, your contributions to society, and most of all your legacy. What most people come to realize is that their legacy to the world are their children. Why? Because they come to realize that their career is really a JOB. That they are not find the cure for cancer, become an astronaut, etc.<P>I suspect that your H's affair and very likely your loss of family in this last 6 months has caused much introspection on his part. I will bet that he felt that the marriage wasn't much of a marriage. He feels relatively stiffled in his work, and dislocated from his family. I will also bet that your focus has not been on him, but other things for the past year (a good Plan A will reveal that to you).<P>Now as Bellevue says perhaps this marriage is really dead, or perhaps your H cannot see what the advantages to him are of remaining married to you. I am sure there are many, but in his state he doesn't see them. Perhaps he finally realizes that you will never change your mind, so why should he change his about adoption?<P>Dazed2001, I know you feel it wrong for him to want children now, but recall at 20-30 for many people having a family is not a high priority especially men. However, as life moves on these views do change. His apparently has, but that doesn't mean your marriage cannot be saved. It will require some considerable work on your part and then his as he comes out of withdrawal from the affair.<P>You are only 1 week into this mess. It will get worse and it will get better. Keep posting and asking quesions, but also do some reading. Go to the Just Found Out section of this site and look for either NSR's general greeting or the one from One??? I cannot remember the name this second.<P>Please read about Plan A, also read about His Needs Her Needs. I suspect that some very fundamental needs were not being met in this marriage. This can be done.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thanks for the support. It's been 3 weeks now and he has moved out of the house for the last two. He's pretty firm in his decision to leave, so I've decided to just let go, though I've asked for ideas on trying Plan A until things are legally formalized. <P>Upon doing some research on the web, I found that he really fits the profile of someone with Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder, so this may all turn out to have been a blessing, as an affair is the most acceptable grounds (for me) to end a marriage. I pity any children he's able to father, though... PAPD people apparently make dangerous parents. Maybe God will work it out so he'll be sterile.<P>