Since my engagement in January, I have seen signs that the woman who is constantly taking a run at my fiance had backed off somewhat.<BR>Friday night we went to a party. He wore a t-shirt she had given him as a birthday gift. When he greeted her, he pointed out that he was wearing it. She owed him a cheque for our sports league. In the memo section, she wrote "with hugs, XO"<BR>Who needs to write hugs and kisses on a CHEQUE??<P>I proceeded to have a reasonably normal evening, anyway. <P>After 8 months of sensing something and having nothing concrete enough around which to base a discussion, I'm really low today. <P>Anyone know a single guy in Australia I could recommend to this woman? <P>Robyn<P><BR>

Hey Robyn,<P>I am sorry you're having a bad day. ((((((((hug)))))))))<BR>Have you talked to this woman? Just a thought for you. . . if your fiance is doing this now and blowing off your feelings that this is inappropriate, how will he act when you're married? I think that a mistake many women make (myself included) is that they can change their men or it will get better after the wedding. That is really not true. Things are harder when you're married, not easier. IF he is inconsiderate to your feelings before, I don't know that it will change. <P>I am not trying to be mean at all. I just know that if it were me I would really examine this before I walked down that aisle. I was engaged a long time ago and about 2 months before the wedding I figured out that he was just not right for me. I was ready to go through with the wedding to save myself the embarrassment of cancelling. Thank the Lord I didn't do it. I am so thankful. At that time I think I just didn't want to be alone. I wanted a wedding not a husband. He broke up with me, but then he tried to get back with me. I was smart enough to say no way. <P>I hope this is not your situation. I know that I thought that some of the things that I didn't like about my H would get better after we got married. They have not. I learned to live with them. As far as his EA, though, he fully admits that he was 100% wrong talking to the OW so much and said he will never allow that to happen again. That is what most people in our situations really want to hear and see. He is doing the work and paying attention to my feelings. <P>I hope your day gets better. This woman sounds terrible. I would throw that t-shirt away, spill bleach on it, accidentally rip it, etc. Take care.<BR>Window

Hi RC,<P>Just remember she wrote the "cute" ensription on the check not him. You know if this watching and worrying doesn't suit you, then perhaps you should call off the marriage. I am all for marriages. And you and I have communicated before, but it seems to me that whether he has or has not done something inappropriate, your current mental attitude is not conducive to a good marriage.<P>Now please understand what I am saying. I am not saying your nuts or anything of the sort. But it seems to me if you don't feel right about your relationship with your BF, no matter the reason, then don't marry him. It really doesn't matter if it is all in your mind, or he is indeed running around, your suspicions will drive you and he crazy no matter their cause. <P>As Window said, getting married won't make you feel better or your relationship better. No one is perfect, but I can tell you from personal experience,whether the problem is yours or your BF it doesn't matter. If you want to be successfully married, you have to decide if his faults can be tolerated, because most wil not go away. <P>Quite frankly, I was engaged several times, and dated many women, and for me the acid test was very simple. Did these women lead their life in a way that didn't bug me. Not were they perfect, but did they handle money, relationships, our relationship, their lives in a way I could tolerate. If the answer to any of these questions was no, the I viewed it as my problem, not something for them to fix, and I terminated the relationship. <P>This approach requires something that most people don't expect. It requires that you be very honest with yourself, I mean brutally honest about your views, flaws, and how they came to be. You see if you are going to assess whether you can live with someone, you better understand to the best of your ability why they do or don't mess with you.<P>So really all of your incident may be completely innocent on the part of your BF, I have my doubts about the other girl. But it really makes no difference if it bugs you so much let it go. She may well end up with him, but you need to decide if you can live with him as he is. He may become a much better man as he matures, most do, but he has really little chance of making your happy, if how he handles things bugs you to death.<P>Something to think about.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

JL has such good points. My x-fiance and I had weird family relationships (no, we were not related) which is much too detailed to get into here; nonetheless, our family majorly wanted us to get back together. I finally realized that he really brought out the worst in me. JL saying that it caused him to examine himself, is such a good point. I realized after I quit crying (when he called off the engagement) that I was so relieved. We lived together (so stupid of me) for a couple of months and I would sometimes come home early from work hoping that I would catch a girl there, so I could break up with him. I think this was all very subconscious, but I realized it after we seperated. I also stayed late at work (I was in college and worked at a restaurant) after my shift and would drink until we closed. It hit me later that I was avoiding him. I was pretty young and hindsight is 20/20, right? <P>When I got engaged to my H we were set to marry in about 8 months. We ended up getting married in 6 weeks. Everyone thought I might be pregnant. I wasn't. We couldn't wait to be married. We decided that all of the little extras didn't really matter. We had a simple, elegant, romantic wedding and loved it.<P>I hope that what I am portraying is along the lines of what JL said. I had no doubts and couldn't wait to be my H's W. When it is truly right for you, I don't think you will have doubts. The things that I mentioned in my first post about wanting to change in my H were things like his golfing too much or his lack of religion. I golf now (though he still golfs mostly with his friends - but nowhere near as often as before), but he still doesn't go to church. He believes in God, he says, but doesn't like organized religion. I am still working on that (after 6 yrs of marriage). The good thing is that he backs up what I tell our children about God. <P>I also think that it was really important to me that as soon as he realized he was out of line with the EA he quit it. He said he honestly didn't realize that there was more than one type of A. He thought that as long as there was no sex he wasn't being unfaithful. He is very open now about how wrong it was. If he didn't validate my feelings at this point, it would be so much harder for me to get through this. It is hard as H***, but for the most part my H is very supportive in helping me cope. I feel that that is so important.<P>I hope that you can see that this is probably not a great foot to start a marriage on. I am glad you come here to MB. It is such a good place to start. <P>Take care!<BR>Love,<BR>Window<P>

Window, JL:<P>I am glad that my wedding is more than a year away. I have alot to think about.<BR>Window, to your point, I have been very unfair to my BF. You have asked me whether he is blowing my feelings about this girl off. He doesn't know I feel this way now because the subject has not come up since last October. I have been working on this alone. I have been hoping that my feelings toward this one circumstance would fade and that any day now, my common sense will kick in. He has demonstrated a willingness to work with me on just about anything I ask him to. The frank truth is, I am afraid to share these feelings.<BR>I am afraid he will apply them generally, and think I am paranoid about every woman we know. The feelings are not general, they were triggered by this one, specific woman. <BR>Despite these misgivings, I know I will have to lay out all of this. There is no other option. I think the ball is very much in my court now. <BR>As far as letting it go if it bugs me as much as it does, I feel as though I can recover from this period of uncertainty. While it is likely that my BF will support me, I haven't shown him any sign of this anxiety in months, so how is he to know I'm troubled? I do feel very loved, and I do feel appreciated. This is one of the warmest, most decent people I have ever met. <BR>This pain makes me feel like I am a burden. I don't want to be a burden. <P>I guess it's pretty clear. If I don't have the courage to reveal my feelings and give this person a chance, then this is a sham, with two people pretending to be other than they are. Even if these feelings have only happened for me one time, they are real and they are mine. <P>I am glad to hear from you Window...it sounds like you are making much progress in your situation. I am happy about that.<P>JL...thanks. . We'll see how BF handles things now that I plan to give him the opportunity.<P>Thanks again<P>Robyn

RC - <P>the H. I am married to now is my 2nd marriage. the first guy I married, I thought was "an a_ _ h _ _ _ e". I was right. The man I am married to now was a "doll", I have always adored him, and felt very secure. Things happen in a marriage sometimes you do not intentionally mean to happen, and partners drift away.<P>You want that guy to think the world of you, and try to give you the world. If you read in MB, "no contact", think beyond that. That BF should not be keeping mementos from OW. I had misgivings about that first husband of mine - I did not listen to myself - I was extremely unhappy on my wedding day. Not so on my second marriage, I was so happy.<P>It is alot easier now, than having children, and no career, etc. Once those children come along, it is a whole different party. Please think about how he treats you, how he accounts for his time, etc. Always remember, to change someone's behavior, you have to change yours. Take your time, and analyze what you want in life. I am sure you are a wonderful person, and deserve all the best. Take care, after shock