My husband of 26 years told me last month that he wanted out of the marriage. Last Thurday, he actually moved out.<P>I have not made contact with him at all and he hasn't called me to let me know what his new phone number is, nor what his address is. Our oldest son does know where he has his apartment.<P>I do know of a woman he has been corresponding with on the internet, but it is nothing of a romantic nature - atleast yet. I think he wishes it were, but she is not interested in meeting him at all. <P>He told our daughter that he just doesn't want to be married anymore. He wants to pay off all his bills and go over seas......to do what I don't know.<P>It has been six days and he seems totally certain he has made the right choice and that this is where he wants to be in his life right now. I can not believe he has just walked out on us and feels fine with breaking up our family. Our children are young adults, S23, d21 and s20. They are as shocked as I am, and hurt that their dad has done this.<P>Does this work for people that are already separated?<P>

Welcome <B>aloneagain</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Does it work?...<BR>...yes...<BR>...just realize up front... no guarantees to "save the marriage".<P>If followed correctly...<BR>...it will save your "sanity"!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

to aloneagain:<P>you must be in deep turmoil - this is a note to console. I could see dropping someone in high school after one date like that and never explain - but to treat a marriage like that ... You said he was on the internet - don't think for a minute that there "wasn't something there". There had to be something there - <P>immediately get Harley's Surviving an Affair, your H. must have some addiction somewhere, would think strongly another person. Listen to the other posts, he needs to be contacted.<P>Our prayers are with you - after shock

I have just about all the books mentioned here. Just received Surviving an Affair a few days ago. <P>I have not made any contact with my husband. He has called me once at work to ask a question and once at home to find out where our kids were. He then went off into a complaining session about how the youngest son let him down because he didn't fill out an application for employment that a friend of H's will hand carry. I asked him to please not yell on the phone. He said he wasn't yelling (of course while he was yelling)and said he had to go. I told him goodbye and remained pleasant the whole time.<P>He sounds very, very stressed out. I do know that he has received a picture of the lady from the internet and he must like her looks because they are still in contact everyday. I think he is trying to get her to leave her husband as she has told him she is not 'happy' in her marriage. He has told her he will give her all the time she needs and what ever comes of it atleast they have a strong friendship for a foundation. <P>YUCK. This stuff makes me sick to my stomach. The more I think about it, the more confused I get. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. The only thing that does make sense is that he has left his family - not caring how much he hurts anyone in his way. <P>Today is actually the first day I have not cried.

Yes, aloneagain, it's all pretty disgusting. Try to keep it in perspective. This is an addiction your H has. You cannot control what he does or says. Right now, neither can he. He's being led around by his "dumb stick", as Ling (from Ali MacBeal) would say. <P>But, all is not lost. What you DO have on your side is time and history. And you have a plan. Plan A. Stick to it. Educate yourself as much as you can. Strive to get some insight into where his head is at. The pathology for most EA's is very similar. Learning about how and why they start and how they progress will leave you better able to deal with it.<P>You shouldn't avoid all contact with him. After all, the only way you can work things out is if you talk about it. But, DO avoid LB-type conversations. Don't let it degenerate into a p*ssing contest. Gently tell him how much you want to save your marriage. Try to find out what it is about you that he finds lacking. Prepare yourself for the answer because it will hurt. The affair being internet-based, a good guess would be that he has an emotional need for conversation. When you know what his needs are, go about the business of learning how to meet them. Then, do your best to show him in words, deeds and actions that you are willing and able to satisfy every need that the OW is now satisfying.<P>Above all, avoid love busters. In his mind, he's been dealing with these from you for years. He has to know that he is safe from that kind of behavior. It's very difficult because the pain and anger is so strong. Anti-depressants helped me. They're not 'happy pills', as some people think. They just smooth out the emotions and let you think more clearly.<P>Keep posting, aloneagain. Keep Plan A'ing. And pray for strength.<P>TTFN,<P>Kalote

Kalote,<P>Thanks so much for your reply. It did put things in perspective. I am trying to keep a positive mental attitude. I did go to the doctor and get antidepressants prescribed. It has been only a week and a half but I am beginning to feel a bit of a difference. <P>Can you suggest any reading on emotionl affairs? I am devouring every book I can get my hands on. I am praying all the time. <P>Well, this morning I sent my H an e-mail. Very short and simple asking him if he was alright. I can see from my e-mail that he hasn't read it yet, so there is no response. I will be surprised if he does. This is so strange. The last day he was here he gave me a hug goodbye and I haven't really heard a word from him since. How weird is that? He is under a tremendous amount of stress right now at work because the area we live in hosts a huge world wide sporting event yearly and he is on the police department here. It is his responsibility to get everyone in and out of the event smoothly, plus make certain he has a full staff and enough volunteers. Unfortunately, he is telling the other woman she is his sunshine in his life right now and it is her getting him through his days. I feel I can only sit by and wait for this whole emotional affair to take it's course. I have prayed for strength and patience. Boy, is this ever hard......<P>I just need some suggestions as to how to meet some of these needs that he's not letting me meet right now. You're right, one of his big needs is the need for conversation. I don't think he cares if I'm dead or alive right now and that hurts.<P>

Well, he still hasn't read my e-mail. That only tells me he has gotten a different e-mail address and doesn't check the one I know of.<P>I did find out that he wasn't able to figure out how to open the pictures she sent him over the internet because they had to be decompressed and he doesn't know how to do that. I do and I have seen her photo. When she asked him for a picture, he said he would rather not exchange pictures yet because he wanted it to be real when they met.<P>The last time I talked to him on the phone was about four days ago. He said he had received the car payment at his address because he put the change of address through and his name was on the car. He said he would be mailing the payment in on Monday. I asked him how he was feeling and he said he was feeling fine....that to be honest he liked this; not feeling stress. I asked if I was the cause of his stress and he said no. I asked what was then and he said he wasn't ready to talk about it yet but he would let me know when he was.<P>Yesterday, our oldest son went back to the Army after his two week leave. He called his dad to say goodbye and they talked for about twenty minutes about just stuff in general. He did ask where I was and my son said I was watching television. He said okay but that was all.....<BR>Maybe I should look upon that as an encouraging sign? So far the kids have been able to tell him what and how I have been doing.<P>I really am praying that he will call sometime today to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.....but I seriously doubt that he will because he knows I will look upon it as encouragement and he just isn't at that point yet.<P>

Well, he has read my short and simple e-mail, but has not made a response. He never called me on Mother's Day either. It would have been nice to hear from him, even if it was just to say, "Thanks for being our kids mom." <P>I ended up calling him on Monday evening and asked how he was doing. He still says he is doing just fine. He sounds angry though, all the time he sounds angry at me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this treatment. I asked him why he didn't call on Sunday and he asked what for? I said it would have been nice if you had called to wish me a Happy Mothers Day. He said, Well, the kids took care of you, didn't they? I told them to.<P>Today I called him to see how he was doing and he said he was fine again. He was on his way to a run. I asked why he hasn't called and he said he'd been really busy. I asked if he was too busy to pick up the phone and call and he said yes, he was busy. He said, Just give me some time, will you? Let me get through this. I'll call you later. I said, yes, you always says you'll call but you never do. I know he doesn't like to talk about our relationship, I know I was pushing him. He said, don't do this now. He said he would call later and we would talk. I know when he says later, he means much later, like at the end of the month. <P>I have a feeling when he does finally want to talk, he will want to say something about getting divorced. I think he would have called me by now if he was at all interested in this separation as being a step toward reconciliation. From everything I can tell, he is just out of the marriage with no desire to contact me ever again.<P>You can probably tell I had one of those down days where you feel all needy and hurt and rejected. Everytime I promise myself I will never call him again, I end up breaking that promise. He doesn't want any reminders of me, he wants to forget me and bury himself in his work. If I don't contact him, I fear he will just go on and never look back.